January 6th, 2021

Dear Dallas:

Congratulations! The admissions selection committee in the SC Johnson College of Business has accepted your early action application to Cornell University for the fall of 2021. On behalf of the admissions committee, I am delighted to welcome you to the Cornell community.

I sighed and placed the paper back on the counter. My mother had already made me a coffee before leaving for her usual Saturday morning pilates class, but she never put enough creamer in it. People who drank coffee black - like my father, for example - were probably sociopaths in a past life.

"Must feel good to actually see it in writing," my father said from behind his issue of The Economist, obviously referring to my admissions letter. "Not that I had any doubt."

I groaned as I took my place next to him at our kitchen table. The morning sunlight was warm, but frost still clung to the outside of the windows that looked out into our backyard. "Please tell me you didn't pull any strings with the admissions committee."

"I did not," he replied, as even-toned as ever as he flipped through another page of his magazine. "Didn't think I would need to."

A little grin tugged at my lips, and I let out a relieved sigh.

"When we go to the Cornell Club in Manhattan in a few weeks, you'll realize that not every future alumni can say that," he shot me a faint smirk. "Even without football as an advantage, you've earned it."

My stomach flipped over at the very mention of the Cornell Club, like I'd just been dropped down the world's largest roller coaster. It was just an excuse for the alumni to humble-brag about their children and parade them around like toy monkeys, and I'd be expected to play nice with my supposed future classmates. But it was just one more nail in the coffin for me, and at this rate, I'd be six feet under before I could even realize it.

I scraped at the eggs on my plate, trying to make it look like I'd at least eaten some of it. My appetite had been less than significant lately, but the last thing I needed was for it to set off more alarms in my house. The fact that I'd been sleeping until noon (or later) every day of winter break already had my mother hovering like I'd break with one sudden move in the wrong direction, but I also figured they chalked most of it up to my breakup with Jordyn. I'd overheard my mother on the phone with one of her friends, going on about how distraught I'd been the last few weeks about the breakup, and I'd let them believe that.

The fact that I could talk to my dad about girls and relationships with such ease, but not where I wanted to go to college, reminded me that I was nowhere near as strong-willed as I sometimes believed.

I glanced over at the paper on the counter again, then I swallowed hard before speaking up. "Just out of curiosity, if I hadn't gotten into Cornell, where would you have wanted me to go?"

I baited him, in hopes the answer was something akin to wherever you wanted to go.

"Well, that's a silly question," he scoffed. "There's no doubt you would have gotten in."

"Okay but if I hadn't," I bit back a little too hard, and it garnered a sideways glance from him.

"Well, your mother and I were always very fond of Vanderbilt. I used to do a lot of business in Nashville when I worked for Bloomberg, and I actually almost got my MBA there."

"But you went back to Cornell." It wasn't a question - both of my father's Cornell degrees were hung in deep mahogany frames in his office above his desk.

He put his magazine down and let his fingers graze over the stubble on his chin. When he looked over at me, there was an earnestness to his eyes that I wasn't expecting. "When you become a more well-traveled adult, you'll realize that there are certain places you just feel like you belong, like another home. Sometimes even more so than your own home. Cornell was always that place for me."

"Oh," was all I could muster as I felt my resolve slipping back down my throat and dropping like an anchor in my stomach.

A silence settled between us, and I tried to eat, but I felt my father's eyes still on me. "What?" I asked with a bemused smirk.

He kept his tone casual as he picked up his magazine again. "The Wagners are back from Aspen."

I let out a heavy sigh. "Okay, and?"

My father shot me a look over the top of his magazine. With a gaze that pointed, words weren't needed.

"Look, I know I did the wrong thing." I ran a hand through my hair. "And I know she hates me, so why bother?"

"Because you're self aware enough to know you've done the wrong thing," he replied plainly. "You'll just have to swallow your pride on this one, because whether or not she's still angry with you is out of your control, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to make amends."

I groaned. "It's gonna be so awkward."

"Dallas, it's always awkward," he chuckled. "But you might feel better afterwards. You won't know unless you try."

Despite the fact that she lived next door, it had been easy to avoid Jordyn for the rest of winter break, partially thanks to the ski trip to Aspen her family took for New Years. But school was starting this coming Monday, and the last thing I wanted was for whatever had happened between us to materialize in the hallway for everyone to point and stare at.

"Fine, fine," I sighed out. I looked down at my half-eaten eggs. "What do I even say to her? Besides the obvious I'm a douchebag."

"Start with I'm sorry. Maybe leave out the douchebag bit."

"Got it," I nodded.

Before I could begin to talk myself out of it, I stood up from the table and dumped my eggs in the trash.

"Hey," he called after me as I turned to leave the kitchen. "Proud of you."

I forced a smile, and maybe one day I'd convince myself that I deserved that.

✗✗✗

Frostbitten grass crunched underneath my sneakers as I walked across our front yard and along the side of the Wagner's house to the backyard. Jordyn's window sat below a convenient trellis that I'd climbed on more than one occasion over the summer, normally dotted with white and purple flowers among the ivy. Everything had died off in the cold, and the splintered wood scratched at my palms as I climbed up to her window.

Suitcases laid open on her bed, with clothes strewn around like confetti. I knocked on the window the moment she came into view. She didn't even bother looking up from folding clothes and just sent a middle finger my way. I groaned and knocked again.

"Please," I mouthed when she finally looked over at me.

She slid the window open, and a rush of warmth from inside washed over me. "I should push you over."

"Yeah," I sighed out. "I know. Just give me like, two minutes and I swear you never have to talk to me again."

Jordyn surrendered with an eye roll as she stepped aside to let me climb in through the window. "Two minutes," she said sternly as she folded her arms over her chest.

"Okay," I nodded and jammed my hands into the pocket of my hoodie, hoping to will some feeling and warmth back into them. "Well, I'm sorry."

Jordyn let out an exasperated sigh. "Yeah, yeah, sure."

"No, but I mean it," I shook my head. "Like, I'm actually sorry for what I did, not just because I hadn't told you sooner."

Jordyn strode across her plush carpeted floor to her dresser. She yanked the top drawer open and pulled out a neatly folded black sweatshirt. I instantly recognized it as mine from the faded bits of paint splattered on the chest from when we were helping the cheerleaders paint their megaphones at the beginning of the season. Jordyn dropped it into my hands, but let her touch linger.

"You know, if the roles were reversed, I would have told you how I felt...or didn't feel." She kept her voice low as her fingers gently grazed the backs of my hands. "You really cared so much about what people thought of us that you'd risk my feelings just to keep up some ruse. I mean yeah, I cared too, but I cared more about you, and being with you...but you never felt the same, did you?"

"Maybe at one point," I gave her a passive shrug. There was no use lying, the damage had already been done. I could only hope being truthful moving forward would absolve some of it. "But in the end? No. Not the way you did."

She sighed again and rubbed at the corner of her eye. "I know it would have sucked, and I would have been hurt, but I wish you'd just told me the truth. Even if the truth hurts, being lied to hurts more."

"You're right," I said softly. "And I'm really sorry, J. Even if you don't believe me, and even if you hate me-"

"God damn it Dallas, I don't hate you." A pinched amusement threaded her words. "If I did, all this would be a lot easier."

She reached up and brushed a lock of hair off my forehead, like she'd done so many times before, and for as many times as we'd been this close, it felt different. There was resignation to our movements, like we'd accepted this would be the last time we were this close, and that was okay. She finally stepped away with a sigh.

"Anyway, your two minutes is up." There was the tiniest crack in her voice when she spoke, and she looked away as she tucked her hair behind her ears.

I nodded. "Thanks for hearing me out. Friends? Maybe?"

Jordyn shook her head. "Not now. I need some time. But...maybe eventually."

"Okay, fair enough."

A little smirk tugged at her lips. "You can use the front door, you know."

"And risk your mom whacking me with a wooden spoon? No thanks."

I tucked the sweatshirt under my arm and shimmied out the window feet first. I got my footing easily on the trellis and started to climb down, but stopped when I saw Jordyn lean out of the window. Her blonde hair fluttered gently in the wind, and when she spoke her breath materialized in a cloud of smoke.

"You should really stop caring so much about what people think of you. You're better than that, Dallas."

"Thanks," I nodded with an amused chuckle. "I'll keep that in mind."

But I wasn't, and I knew that.

but i'm learning to lie here in the quiet light
while i watch the sky go from black to grey

quiet light / the national

✗✗✗

my baby girl j deserves the world and she's grown so much. i'm proud of her. (a spinoff at syracuse for j? who's to say)

this one was a little short compared to recent chapters (and upcoming chapters), but i felt these conversations needed their own place.

BONUS GIF; can I get a 'yeah boi' for Dad Patrick? this is so canon, can't change my mind.

✗✗✗