Day-5: Leh.

I woke up with a jerk to the sound of loud thud. My eyes shot open. I threw the blanket away from my face and tried to get my senses back. Blinking my eyes a few times, I stretch my arm to get my phone. Quarter to six. Fluff. I need to get ready in 30 minutes.

Leh. Fight. Crying.

I turned my head to the bed. It was empty. I removed the blanket...? I didn't go to sleep with this. I remember putting it over him. Did he... did he put this on me? Maybe he went to get some fresh air something and banged the door a little too loud. Yeah. That's what must have happened.

Gently, I stand from my spot and head to the washroom. The washroom looked like someone had showered already. Finishing my morning routine, I get ready for the day. It was exploring day. I don't know what the others were exploring, but Ahaana Mehrotra needed some self-exploring. I also needed to explore Mumbai to get a place of my own. But we'll put that aside for now.

The day was already planned, we had one day in hand and hell lot of places to visit, so we decided on four must visit places. Starting the day with watching sunrise at Shanti stupa. Then, Leh Palace, Hall of fame and lastly Leh Local Market.

I make the bed and adjust my things that were scattered. His phone was nowhere to be found and his bag was zipped up. He's all ready to leave and we are making him late. I hope everyone else is late too, I do not want to piss him more than he already is at me.

Is it weird that I feel like we broke up last night even when we weren't in any relationship to begin with? Its' a weird feeling.

"Pyaar karne se ab hum toh darr jaayenge, aansuon ki kahani mein beh jaayenge... humne socha na tha.." My body stopped. Where did this come from? I haven't listened to this song in more than a year and half. How did this come to my head? Am I going back there? I shook my head vigorously, as if trying to get those lines out of my head. No. Nope. As if the room would hide me, or hurt me in some way, I quickened my pace. In the next minute, I was out of the bedroom. Shit. I am scared to be alone. Again.

"There's my favorite gurrrrl." I heard Yug screech. The moment I saw his familiar face, my heart calmed down. I brushed my sweaty palms on the sides of my thigh and walked to where Yug was standing with Suhana. I straight away walked to her and hugged her. "What's wrong?" She whispered to me; I shook my head. Yug stood behind with his lips pressed in thin line. He wanted to hug me, but I hugged Suhana instead.

"We are no longer best friends. Don't talk to me for the next 10 minutes, then we can be best friends again." I laughed watching him walk away. Suhana broke the hug and rolled her eyes.

"Why am I so madly in love with that man? Is something wrong with me? My choice?" She questioned more to herself than me. I chuckled. "Poor guy pursued you for six whole years before you finally gave in." I shake my head thinking back to the days Yug was in his lovesick puppy phase. He still is in the same phase when it comes to Suh.

"Poor guy? He called me vixen, minutes ago." She rolled eyes and I broke into fits of laughter.

"You still on the 'after marriage' thing?" I ask, as we wait for the elevator. "It was his idea. I am just going with it." She shrugged.

"Yeah, and you are NOT doing anything to give him blue balls?" I smirk, her face flushes.

"Nope." I narrow my eyes at her.

"He deserves a show here and there. Especially after the bike stunt he pulled with you." I roll my eyes. She was referring to when Yug and I drove fast yesterday.

"Poor Yug." I murmur shaking my head. The elevator door opens on the ground floor and we walk to where Yug stood with Advik and the tour guide. "You okay, Ahaa? Really?" Suhana asked but we stop beside the clan, so I ignored her question.

"Ahaa. Where's Sahil?" Falak questioned. "His phone is off." My heart dropped. Did he leave? Is he okay?

"I-I don't know, Falak. He wasn't there when I woke up." I tell her, Advik's eyes lock with me. I look away. He knows. He knows us both too well. Oh God.

"Wo raha." Yug called out, we all see him on his bike--his head down on the tank, Advik takes long strides towards his best friend. We all follow the boys. I stand keeping my distance from him.

"Kaha tha tu?" Advik asked as soon as he stop in front of him, he didn't look at him. Advik snatches the little brown bag from where it was tucked in between the bike wires. My brother pulls out some tablet strips and starts reading the name. He snatches the tablets and push them back in the bag.

"Bhai? You, okay?" Suhana walks to him, he doesn't reply but finally removes his palms from his face and gets down the bike. Suhana takes his hand in hers. "Bhai! Bolo na." She whispers.

"I had headache and I felt like I could get down with cold or something. It's just precautions." He replied and kissed her head.

"My brother-in-law feeling sick? Come here you little one. Let me kiss you better." Yug starts walking towards him, his eyes snaps at Yug. Advik shakes head at the two.

"Tu na.. isko door rakh mere se. Main murder wurder kar doonga phir tu royegi." He threatened his sister, Suhana made a sad face before putting her head on his chest.

"Huh! Mere pass Ahaana hai." Yug pulled me towards himself. I didn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me now. "Tu hi rakh le. Chahiye bhi nahi mujhe." I smiled in Yug's chest, then moved my face in such a way that no one could see my face, and then I bit down on my lower lip. Hard. To keep my tears in.

"One day, Sahil. One day you'll regret ever saying these words, Sahdev." I never heard Yug being serious, at least around me. This was a first. And I didn't want this. I didn't want Yug to be angry at him. "We are taking the bike." Yug held my wrist and pulled me away. I didn't turn back to look at my friends, his words still ringing in my ears.

Chahiye bhi nahi mujhe...

"Drive carefully, Yug!" Suhana shouted behind us, he didn't reply to her. He put the helmet over my head and sat on the bike. I took the back seat.

"Drame huye na kal tum dono ke?" Yug said once we were out and away from the hotel grounds.

"Nah—"

"Migraine medicines hai wo uski. Roya wo?" He asked and my heart sank. He has migraine?

"K-kab se hai migraine?" I asked.

"Four years." He replied. "Kya hua raat ko, Ahaana? You wanna talk about it?"

"We—it was just us... talking about everything and..."

"He started shouting?" He looked sideways, trying to look at me. I nodded my head.

We stayed in silence after that. The ride from our hotel to Shanti Stupa was of at most 15 minutes, as it was still early in the morning, we reached there quickly. Yug and I stopped beside the bike, he removed my helmet and then cupped my cheeks.

"If he hurts you in any fucking way, you come to me. Don't let him walk all over you just because you think he has right to, alright?" He said as if making a little kid understand, my lips broke in a small smile at his care. But before I could answer, the car stopped beside us. Why is he here if he has headache? Kya hai yaar inke!?

I started walking away. If I stand there with them all and saw him in any pain, I'd say something and then another fight. Stubborn man! Steps followed behind me in silence. I stopped at the dead-end and then slowly turned around. Yug's smirking face being the first face I see. He still stood leaning against the Car, the tour guide standing leaned on the other side of car, smiling. Nothing biggie, just made a fool outta myself!

"Chalein? Sabka timepass ho gya ho toh?" Sahil called out. Falak laughed pulling me to her and we started walking to them, before we reached him, he started walking towards the opposite direction with the tour guide.

"Why is this so empty? Are we the only people here?" Suhana asked our guide.

"Ma'am, we are really early. And also, mostly everyone decides to visit during the sunset." He replied. While they were talking, I tried to see him. He was now behind us all, walking leisurely. His eyes roaming around the place. I stilled, checking if anyone was looking at me. When no one checked on me, I turned around waiting for him. He noticed me but didn't stop and started walking past. I held his wrist.

"Kya hai yaar? Itna gussa? Ek baar ache se puri baat toh sunlo. Even I should get a chance to speak na." I whispered softly; his eyes turned down at me.

"Mujhe sunana tha na, wo sab sun lia. Bas ho gya apna ab. I better focus on getting engaged or something." He murmured, his voice groggy. He jerked his wrist, making my hand slid away.

"Sahil!" I called out but he was already walking to where everyone else was.

I want to go back home. I can't stay around him and be this way. Waheguru mainu chakk lo, or Mumbai patak do!

"Ahaana!" Falak yelled from the top of the stairs, I pouted but started dragging myself to them.

•

We decided to be here for some more hours. The sun was out and shining. After experiencing such serene sunrise, clicking pictures and just being in that moment, we finally sat down. Tourists had started coming in but no one stayed. They came, looked around, clicked pictures and left. Our tour guide was also back in the car, leaving the six of alone.

"How about we talk about you now?" Suhana stands in front of her brother with her arms crossed on her chest.

"How about you stay in your fucking limits and out of my personal matters?" He murmured, never even looking at her, his fingers still working on the phone. He's so so so bad! Rude!

But it's Suhana Sahdev. She doesn't take crap for anyone. Including her elder brother. So, she did what no one can do. Snatched the phone and pushed it in her jacket pocket. You go, bestie! His jaw ticked, he closed his eyes and breathed in and out before flicking his eyes up at her.

"Dekh Suhana. Mujhe na ye sab chize bahot irritate karti hai, and you fucking know it. But I'll still repeat in the tender-est manner, I can possibly manage, 'stay out of my life' I don't interfere in yours; I accept the same in return. Stop being nosy." It was mission abort for me the moment he started with 'dekh Suhana' and not 'Zia'. Me in my head, 'don't go bestie. It's a dead end!'

"Sure." Yeah. I know that tone all too well. You know how Advik and I are kinda same? Like we are the happy kids? Cute Cute. The same way, these two Sahdev siblings are same. The same type of rudeness, anger issues and grumpiness. They are done talking for the day, or until one of them—Sahil Sahdev—begs for forgiveness.

Suhana pulls out his phone back from her pocket, then jerked apart his interlocked fingers and slapped—like slapped really hard— the phone on his palm. It must have stinged...like a biatch!

Suhana walked away. I was done socializing for the day so even I searched for a quiet corner. While Falak decided to be 'khatron ke khiladi' and sat down beside him, keeping her head on his shoulder. Even Yug and Advik left, leaving the two nemesis together. Waheguru, keep us the same count we came.

I sat down on the floor leaning against the wall, looking at the birds flying in the sky. The warm rays of sun falling on my face. I heaved a deep breath. My head was a mess. I felt like it had stopped working, I couldn't think of anything, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to sit and just do nothing, and right now was that moment. I started humming the song that has been stuck in my head since the moment I woke up this morning.

"Whatcha doing sitting here alone?" Did I say I wanted to be alone? How could this stupidito, let me have that peace. I turned to face Yug.

"Whatcha doing here? Bothering me? Find your woman!" I turned to look back at the sky, he didn't go. Just copied my posture and looked at the sky. "I let Advik deal with her."

"Sing that song. The one you were just humming." He added, I shook my head.

"Nothing. It was just a melody stuck in my dum-dum." I tried to brush it. He knocked on my forehead with his index finger.

"It's there on the tip of your tongue yet? Ahaana! Please na.. it was such nice tune you were humming." He whined. Two minutes and you'll find this man throwing his legs around whining. "You leave me the fluff alone then?" He bobbed his head.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

"Ek din aap yun hum se chin jayenge
dil ki duniya me hum yunhi gir jayenge..." I started singing the first line of the song that I heard, without missing even a day, for three and half years. The song that connected with me, with its each and every word stinging me in the worst way possible.

The moment Falak sat down beside me and all other left, my mood worsened. She's a pain in the ass. Huge one when it comes to the topic of her. Falak has been an internal part of us, almost all our lives, but I hate her. The woman stole my best friend. I hated her 5'3 being. Because of her, I had to lie so many times to our parents.

Basically, what a best friend does! But she also started coming in between our basketball time. He'd tell his parents that we are going out to play, and then he'd leave me at the court and forget to pick me up. I don't even remember the amount of time he left me stranded. His excuse, 'usse milne ke baad kho sa jata hoon yaar main.'

"Not a word!" I warned her beforehand, she shrugged keeping her head on my shoulder. I let her, if she speaks, I can just shove her down.

"You know--"

"No. I don't, and I don't want to know." I cut her off. How hard is it to comprehend the meaning of 'not a word'? I see Yug go and sit beside her; she was sitting at some distance from me. She started walking clockwise and covered 3/4th of the circular monument before finding a spot, without noticing that anti-clockwise she was closer to my side. I quickly spotted Advik and Suhana, sitting on the stairs.

Ek se raat ko ladai ho gai, ek se ab and ab ye last aai hai... ye bhi sunke jayegi! Phir ye teeno milke Dad ke pass jayengi. Way to go, Sahdev.

"You want to end this?" Falak mumbled, I looked back to where she was sitting, making tired faces at Yug.

"This what?"

"Whatever it is between her and you?" She whispered following my eyes.

"You're delusional if you think there's something between her and me." I replied, my gaze still intact on her. Who really is delusional here, Sahil? You, who can't see anything else other than her when she's around or them?

"I have seen you breaking down for her, Sahil. I am not the one delusional. It's you honey." She ruffled my hairs; I removed her hand and moved my fingers in my hairs to set them back. I hate when she does this. And this woman makes sure to always, always do this as if I am a baby.

"Not really in the mood to talk about my past where I was a lovesick fool who was well played by your sister-in-law." I stand up from my spot, she stays seated. I started walking away but then I heard something, that stopped me.

When I heard the same sound again, I took a step to where she sat with Yug. I stand some steps away, making sure to keep myself hidden. I felt Falak's hand lace with mine. I leaned my body against the wall and closed my eyes, I heard her voice and each and every word wounded my heart. Leaving me in pieces. In the midst of my feeling's turmoil.

Ek din aap yun hum se chin jayenge
dil ki duniya me hum yunhi gir jayenge..
hum ne socha na tha...

As much as the original song is beautiful, this version of it was heart breaking. And the fact that she had this version etched into her head, made it worst for me. I should not feel bad for her, I should not. She hurt me. She gave up on me. She didn't trust me, not one bit. She abandoned me. Without any care of the world, she turned her back at me. But... I could not deny the crushed feeling evoking in my chest, burning like a fire. How many times did she cry herself to sleep listening to this? How many times did she hurt herself, hearing these lines over and over again?

pyar karne se ab hum toh darr jayenge
aansuon ki kahani me beh jayenge
hum ne socha na tha...

fasle hum me itne yun badh jayenge
jab nigahaon se hum teri gir jayenge
mar ke bhi hum na tumko milenge kabhi
khwahishein sab adhoori rahengi wahin
hum ne socha na tha...

What about her, Sahil? You had your family to brush away your tears. Who did she have? Who stopped her when she cried? Who told her it's going to get better? You were three when you saw her and made her yours. But about her? She gave you her whole life. From playing with you to stopping you from getting in any fights. From tugging your hairs when frustrated to kissing your injuries after the basketball matches. From complaining to then saving you from punishment. She did it all.

Ek din aap yun hum se chin jayenge
dil ki duniya me hum yunhi gir jayenge
hum ne socha na tha..

pyar karne se ab hum toh dar jayenge
aansuon ki kahaani me beh jayenge
hum ne socha na tha...

A tear trailed down my eye as she started sobbing in her hands, I hated her tears and now... I am the one giving her most of them. Falak cupped my face in her palms and brushed my tears away, I averted my eyes. "You're hurting, Sahil?" She whispered and I nodded as more tears followed. her other palm rubbed my chest. "Have it ever occurred to you, that she is...hurting as well?" We both turn our eyes to where she was now crying hard in Yug's chest, he removed his own tear, before going back to rub her back to soothe her. I wanted to be there, I wanted to brush away her tears, and calm her. But... I was hurting too much already. My heart burned with the pain. I had my own pain tormenting me.

"I know you are not ready to forgive her just yet and I understand, Sahil. Par rishta khatam karna toh option nahi hona chahiye na? Pyaar kia hai na?" She asked, I looked away.

"Usko kabhi nahi bola... but at least confess it to yourself... Kia hai na pyaar Sahil?" She asked again. I barely nodded. She took a sidestep and stands in front of me again.

"Toh ye mat bol usse ki wo tujhe chahiye nahi... wo already itni hurt hai... don't break her more. Please. You don't know what she has been through there. And she doesn't know what you have been through. But what matters is... she is trying to fight for you... with you. Do the same Sahil. Fight yourself because then you also need to tend her wounds, believe me, they are so much deeper than the Ahaana who teases and laughs and smiles around." Falak and I have been whispering to keep our voices away from reaching her but saying that last sentence she broke down and put her head on my chest.

"She has only this much strength in her, if she loses this fight with you...she'll lose herself as well, Sahil. Don't push her to the edge, Sahil, she won't be able to handle the pressure... she'll... she'll jump off the cliff." I had goosebumps. Goosebumps all over me, my insides twisted as my mind played its trick by playing the words Falak whispered, in a video. Me pushing her to the edge with my harsh words and her... taking the fall. My feet curled in my shoes. I turned around to see her now calming down in Yug's arms.

I took a back step, Falak looked at me in question. "You guys... carry on with planned day. I... I... I am going back to the hotel." I said and without waiting for her answers, I ran down the stairs to where the bike was, taking the keys from our tour guide...I left as soon I could.

"Bas? Ho gya? Ro lia jahaan bhar ka?" Yug asked once I was completely calm, I nodded sniffing and removing tears with the back of my hand. He gave me his handkerchief; I dabbed it on my face to remove signs of crying like a baby.

"Want me to kick his arse?" He asked, I shook my head, pouting. He rolled eyes.

"Want to cry in his arms instead?" I bobbed in positive; he chuckled flicking my nose.

"Aaja. Let's take a walk." He stood up and helped me stand on my feet.

"Tu itni sweet si... or tujhe pasand itna rude sa banda kyu aa rakha hai?" He asked walking side by side with me, I had his two fingers in my fist. I could just manage to hold two of his fingers in my whole hand.

"You're such a sweet guy... how did you end up falling in love with her?" I motion my head towards my bestie. Yug chuckled beside me.

"Guess we both have weird choices." We chuckle together.

"Ek baat bolu?"

"Hm?"

"Before asking for his forgiveness, forgive yourself. You did what you did but you also had your share of issues. Being in a new place, between new people. Surviving and thriving even when your heart was in pieces. You should be proud of yourself, that you have made such a great growth. You have worked on yourself, Ahaa. I don't know about him, but I see the changes in you. You are not the same, but you are the same. You just need to move forward from that phase of your life. Until and unless you start loving yourself, you can't love him? How could you make him feel the love when you don't feel it in yourself? You're hating yourself at this moment and that is not going to get you love in return, bache." I tightened my hold on his hand. I hear him, and I think... I even get him. He's right... I guess. I haven't forgiven myself; I hate on myself every single time... how could I make him forgive me when I can't forgive myself?

"If you don't allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your present and future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. Realize this! What you do now matters more than what happened yesterday. And if he waits for you to come around, if he's still there when you're done fighting through your inner battles... he's the one. And if he's not... he was never yours to begin with." He brushed his lips on my forehead and left me alone in my thoughts.

(Above lines were taken from Pinterest.)

I stand there as I let his words run through my head. I acted in the best way; I was capable of at that moment. Those were wrong, but accepting them and then trying to rectify those... is growth, no? It's the growth I have made over the years that matters? I should be able to forgive myself for when I didn't know better at that time. Making mistakes and learning from them, makes me a better person, hating the mistakes does not.

"Forgive yourself for the bad decisions, for the times you lacked understanding,
for the choices that hurt others and yourself.
Forgive yourself,
for being young and reckless.
These experiences are vital lessons.
And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them."
- marcandangel