It was day-four of our trip. We started our journey from Kargil to Leh at 7AM today. It's half past six now and we checked in our hotel an hour ago. The journey from Kargil to Leh was supposed to be of 5-6 hours, but we stopped on some of the must viewpoints on our way here. India really is home to some amazing places. I am so glad, we decided to come here instead of some international trip.

To make the most out of our trip; we decided to take turns riding with the boys or sharing rooms with each other. When we came back from our Sona Marg sightseeing, Advik asked me to spend the night with him. First siblings' night in five years? I couldn't say no. A part of me wanted to—the selfish part, which wanted to talk to him after that conversation—but the other huge chunk took it as an opportunity to hang out with my brother.

We both had amazing time. We had conversations, he talked about my time there, I told him about my accident that nigh-- after which Advik instantly shot out of the bed to go tell Sahil right away, but I stopped him. This was my story to tell. And I'd tell him when he will be ready to know, I didn't want his sympathy on this matter. I wanted us to connect more before we talked about the deeper things.

My brother and I even traveled together the next day (Day-3) --others called us koalas but eff them. We spent the whole day with each other until we had an argument, he wanted to try thukpa-- a dish of Kargil; I was scared of its freakin' name, leave seeing or eating it--and also, I wanted Momo's. And he wouldn't let me have it, because he wanted us to share a plate— as it increases the love. Yeah, we broke up then. Bloody Raccoon!

I spent that night with Falak and Suhana, mostly to keep Falak away from Advik—suck it up, brother. You mess with the cat; you get the whiskers— and then also to spend some quality time with my best friends. The boys did not like having to spend the night in one room, so around midnight, after having enough of Yug and Advik bothering and constantly taunting him, Sahil booked a separate room.

I got to know about that 'intense' conversation though. Yug just being the usual Yug and asking Suhana to tell her brother to behave nicely with me or else he'll hook me up with some guy he knows. He went ahead and even told her about 'the guy'.

Basically, he was mentally planning 'Ahaana ka svayamvara'. Don't let the Satan's errand boy know about that, Yug— he'll kill you and leave you as snacks for Coco and Oreo.

Next day (Day-4), Sahil Sahdev decided to be a princess —I miss Hood—when I went to sit on his bike; he looked right in my eyes and asked Suhana to come with him saying he missed her— the night before he was banging the door of our room to give her reasons on 'why she should break up with Yug and plan his murder with her brother.' Suhana told him to 'fluff himself.'

I traveled with Yug, from Kargil to Sona Marg. We both made sure to drive the fastest, just to increase the heartrates of two Sahdev's. Yug and I are in the 'you can't sit with us' friendship now. All through my khatron ke khiladi' moment my brother was MIA, maybe kissing his way down Falak's throat as he says. Yikes, for the instant image my head served me.

Coming back to now, we are sitting in the hotel diner, the guys wanted to have the dinner here and we, the girls, lost in stone, paper and scissors. I feel they wanted to be in their space too but three of them chose to be here only to piss us off. Who needs a villain when I have them?

"Mehrotra, you are going to make me barf." Sahil commented, as we all watched my brother hog down the sizzling brownie like he had been starved and kept in a dungeon for months.

Yug was no less! This was his second plate of jalebi-Rabri. Suhana and Falak were mentally doing all the calculations of making their respective partners Devdas. And mine? I wanted him to eat dessert. I wanted him to eat anything sweet but--nope. He hates the sugar as much as we love it.

"Can we please go? I am so tired and my butt hurts." I wailed; my friends laugh at my statement. I pushed my bowl of rasmalai towards Sahil--after being deprived of Indian food for almost six years, each of my meal is Indian these days. "It's just one bite. Have it." He slid the bowl back to me.

"Arey. I don't want to, and I hate wasting food, it's just one bite. Have it." I slid it back to him, he stopped it midway and pushed it back to me, I let my eyes do the talking. It didn't work. I pushed the bowl with my wrist, he put his on the other side. The bowl caged between our forearms.

"Eat it!" I glared.

"I don't want to." He narrowed his eyes, our faces leaned in closer to scare each other.

"Fine! Stop fighting, I'll have it." The bowl was pulled away from between our arms, I turned my head to see Yug taking the last bite. Why did it made me pout internally? I mean, the whole thing was because I didn't want to waste that. Right?

"YUG!" Suhana yelped, letting her palms hit the table to show her irritation.

"Why would you do that?" Falak threw her napkin at him, Yug used it to clean his lips. Oh God!

"Let's just go. We still have 6-7 days to spend together, and I am already done with you guys. I'd like us to go back the same count we came." Sahil mumbled, he pushed his chair back and stood up. We all continued looking at him and once he was out of our sight, I--we heaved a sigh.

"It feels like we are on a trip with our school principal." Falak murmured, I bobbed my head in agreement.

"So, is there any chance I can help him tone down the arrogance or I'll have to live the rest of my life with his grumpy attitude?" I asked the clan, Yug chuckled. "If you can't change the man... change--"

"Shut up!" Suhana stood up and pulled Yug's hand, he kissed her head. She tried to brush off his hands, but Yug beat her to it and gathered her in his arms bridal style making her squeal. I chuckled at the two. Advik and Falak stood up too. My brother put his hand on Falak's shoulder, and they walked together, following Suh and Yug.

Falak abruptly stopped and turned around, "Come on!" She called out.

"You go on. I'll be there in a minute." I said, she looked at me with eyes that were trying to search for answers on my face, when I blinked assuring-ly; she smiled and walked away-- hand in hand with my brother.

After some moments, I stood up too...but instead of going for my room, I headed out. The snow period starts from November here, but the nights freezing cold with enormous fog around. I happened to be standing out here in just one overcoat and my winter nightwear. My hands turned frosty in moments of stepping out in the open air.

I walked towards the fireplace. The place was empty. Instead of taking the chair, I stood beside the flaring waves of heat, in this cold weather, the heat felt merely warm against the skin of my palms. I watched the fire burn-- the flames moved with the wind. Sometimes they heaved up to their highest and sometimes, they would go down...almost extinguishing. And then they flamed again, moving with the wind. I rubbed my hands and took a step closer, coming on the lasts of the grass. The warmness hitting the bare skin of my body almost made me moan.

"Kar lia 'Main character' feel? Chalein ab?" And... there goes the silence. I side eyed the person standing next to me, a sexy smirk slapped on his face. I breathed out. "Kya hai? Acha lag rha tha mujhe." I whined. He shook his head at me.

"Haan abhi acha lag rha hai and what about when you get cold? Andar chalo!" He wrapped his fingers around my wrist and started yanking me with him.

"Dheere! I got little legs and my—"

"Your butt hurts. I know. All of us know." He slowed down a bit, I bridged the gap between us.

"Be a sweetheart and carry me." I removed his fingers from my wrist and opened my arms.

I wanted him to carry me like Yug carried Suh. But nope, this unromantic hardheaded man, put my arms around his neck and made me hop on his back.

"I'll take what I can get." I murmured in his back.

"What were you thinking? Coming here in this outfit?" He asked, I ignored him making sure to keep my face hidden from other gazes. I didn't want to be known as the adult woman, getting a piggyback ride. He removed his left hand from under my butt and pressed the button for elevator, I took that as a chance to jump down.

"Thankyou!" I stood close with my head on his biceps as we waited for the elevator. It dinged open in seconds. The three men walked out, and we both moved in.

•

By the time I came back in the room from the washroom, he was already sprawled out on the bed with his eyes roaming on the device in his hand. I flicked the room lights off and walked towards the empty side of the bed. His eyes turned to me, I snapped my fingers telling him to move his leg away that was in my border. He moved it to his other leg and crossed the ankles together--I could see it all happening under the covers. Girl got x-ray eyes. He put his phone away, I slid under the covers. I turned sideways, making him do the same. We slept facing each other.

"Ignore kar rahi hai mujhe? After I opened up to you?" He murmured softly, his eyes roaming on my face. His warm breath softly brushed against my face.

"Nahi! Bhaiyu bola toh main kaise mana karti?" I slid closer to him, my nose coming to his chin.

"How about we switch to the truth?" I lowered my eyes. Did I mention he's great at catching lies? Especially mine.

"I was scared."

"Of?"

"Of you going back to being silent and... rude." I looked up, his finger came to my cheeks, he rubbed his thumb in circular motion over my skin.

"Ek baar bhi yaad nahi aai meri?" He breathed. I gulped the lump forming in my throat.

"Har roj. Har second." My fingers moved to his face, then to the back of his head. I moved his hairlocks between my fingers.

"How was it? The experience? Did you enjoy being there?" His thumb continued roaming my cheeks.

"Can I be honest?" I asked, his thumb halted.

"I would want that, yes. No lies, please. The real... unfiltered... honest... Shea." I stopped breathing. The moment he whispered that name, I stopped breathing, everything in me stilled.

"Again? Please." I begged, moving more closer, our chest now touching together, his hand that was on my cheek came to my waist and pulled me more into himself. There wasn't even a breath of gap between us.

"Talk to me." He said.

"A-A part of me did enjoy being there. For the first three years at least. I was...I was thankful to be away...thinking I didn't want to be around...when you get...engaged or... marry her." I stopped and breathed out the air stuck in my throat; my eyes weren't on him. It wasn't in me to look at him, his hand...body had stopped every movement.

"Phir?" His voice broke the silence, heavy voice. As if he was controlling his emotions.

"He used to tell me you know. Whenever we'd talk, he would just say one line before cutting the call, 'kabhi kabhi aap wo dekhte hai jo aap dekhna chahte ho'." I looked up, his eyes were closed, and I knew, he knew who I was talking about. I continued; I didn't want him to close off. Not without hearing some more parts.

"I didn't understand what he meant by that. I just thought that he was taking your side, but I didn't ponder over it much." I took a breath in and then exhaled it, sighing loudly. "Then... then came Suhana and Falak."

His fingers digged in and I knew it was taking his all being here with me at this moment because the girls visited me after Dadu passed away. It was the worst time of his life. And for Sahil, Dadu passed away in tears, even after having all his loved ones with him because he couldn't talk to me. Dadu loved us more then he loved his own kid, not being able to see me in his last moments, made him cry.

"They told me about him and... all about you." His eyes opened up. He moved back, his fingers left my body. I let him create distance between us. I didn't want to bombard him with everything all at once. He looked up at the ceiling, breathing in and out heavily. I stayed mum. After some moments, his heart rate slowed down, but he kept his eyes away from mine.

"Then? Why didn't you come then? Tere jaane se main jitna toota nahi tha, usse jayada mujhe uss baat ne takleef di. Tujhe sab pata chal gya and you still didn't come. Why?" He put his arms over his eyes, I tried to touch him but. I was so scared he'd snap.

"I was... I was embarrassed...ashamed. I was ashamed of my actions, and everything scared me. I didn't... I didn't know how to... start. Where to start from. How to..."

"By flying home. Where people needed you. Where your presence would have been enough. What do you think we were going to do, huh? Kill you? Humiliate you? Huh? Your parents were fucking proud, Ahaana. My parents were fucking proud of what were you doing there. You were in your dream college. Everyone was proud of you. And you, you didn't inform them about convocation. Yet, they had their flights booked, they were packing for a month, getting you gifts, preparing to see you after three years and what did you do? As soon as you got to know about their plan, you told them to not come. You said it wasn't that important. It was. It was important to them." He was shouting by now, he stood up from the bed. His nostrils flaring in anger. A tear trailed down my eye. I looked away from him as more rolled down my cheeks, making me break into sobs.

"You could have come a month later, two months, three months later. It took you two years to decide? And what now? It's not embarrassing now? Looking into the eyes of so many people you have let down, haan? Time does not always makes it better. You made us all feel like shit. What now, Ahaana? What's the plan? Get married to me, forget this ever happened? Gift our parents a kid? Maybe they'll forget this. But what about me? Where do I stand in this? Meri kya galti thi? Kya galat kia maine? Ek anjaan ladki ko bachaya? Uske saath galat hone se roka? Ye galti thi meri? Yaa phir ye ki jab main sirf ek bacha tha tab maine khud ko puri tarah tujhe de dia? Kya mila mujhe uss devotion ke badle?" I cried more. I didn't have the answers to his question, and he is right. What was I thinking coming here after doing them so wrong?

"I was wrong. I don't think we can ever get past this thing. I can never. I'll let my parents push me into marrying you. Because that's what I do Ahaana. I do everything they ask me to, even when I want different things. So yeah. I'll get married to you. But I will never forgive you. Never. All bets are off. No 30 days. No talking. Nothing!" He walked out of the room. He walked out. Leaving me sitting there in the bed. I cried more. The moment I stopped controlling my sound, the moment I let myself cry as much as I wanted, everything in me broke free.

My heart started hurting. Everything pained. I pushed my face in the pillow and let my tears out. His words ringing in my head. Hurting me. Making me realize, he's so so so right. How could I ever think we'll get past those five years? After giving him and the families so much pain? When did I became so selfish? Such monster? That I only thought about myself? My tears dried but the pain in my heart increased with every passing second. I hated myself more and more.

•

I pulled myself out of the bed and looked for my phone, his was still sitting on his side of bedside table. The clock said half past eleven. Quickly spotting his hoodie, I pulled his bag open. Finding another overcoat, I took it out. Wrapping the shawl around me. I took both the hoodie and overcoat before walking out to look for him.

I was walking towards the elevator and noticed something in the mirror window. I halted. Then took a step back. I looked out of the window to see him sitting there. By the fireplace. In just his t-shirt and joggers. I quickened my pace and pressed the button for elevator, when it didn't open immediately, I started pushing the button over and over again, while my eyes searched for the stairs. The elevator dinged open, and I slid inside. Why is he so stubborn? Throw me out of the room na? It's -3 degrees outside.

The moment the elevator opened; I started running. The guard at the door looked at me scared but I mumbled something to him, I don't know what. The moment I stepped foot on the grass, I realised, I was bare feet. I continued on my path and as soon as the gap between us lessened, my heart rate increased. Please push me away but at least take the clothes. Please. Don't fall sick. Please Waheguru.

I draped the overcoat over his shoulders, his eyes shot up to look at me. I started sobbing the moment his eyes met mine.

"P-Plea..se. We—wear this." I pushed the hoodie in his arms, he looked away but took it and pulled it down his head. I helped his arms into the overcoat. His feet were bare too. And they were freezing cold. More tears wailed up in my eyes, he kept his on the fire burning in front of him.

"Mat kar. Mujhe pata hai kya ahmiyat hai meri, teri zindagi mein... mat kar... ye sab." He stopped my hand midway. My hand dropped down. I just wanted to check if he had fever or not. His eyes were as cold as the weather around us. I looked away, not having it in me to look at those eyes.

We stayed in the same place for some time. I tried gathering some courage to ask him to go to the room, while he found the fire flames fascinating. Exhaling a breath, I leaned down and threaded our fingers together. His eyes snapped at me, my face a beat away from his, maybe it was the tears in my eyes or something on my face that made him shut his mouth. He looked away. I pulled on his hand, he stood up and let me pull him inside.

He jerked my hand away as soon as the elevator door closed in front of us. I didn't look at him. The elevator opened on our floor, he waited for me to open the door. Once inside, I pushed the door close behind us.

He took off the hoodie and overcoat before going under the blanket. I turned the room heater to its fullest. Taking out two pairs of socks, I put them aside. Pulling out the extra blanket from the closet, I put it on him. With slow and steady steps, I walked to him. He had his arm over his forehead, eyes closed, but I knew he was awake. Mustering up some strength, I sat down beside him. He breathes stilled. I waited for him to say something...he didn't. I moved my fingers in his hairs. When he still didn't push me away, I took it as a chance to speak.

"I am not going to say that what I did was right. I am not here to defend my actions, Sahil. I just want to say that I'll never push you into this. Into m... marrying me. Starting a life with me. I didn't know that you started hating me in all this, and I would never want you to be unhappy. If I am giving you pain and my presence hurts you, I'll keep myself out of your way. You...you don't have to do this. You don't owe me anything. I..." I took a deep breath and noticed him. He was awake and he was still listening to me after all this... I'll forever be grateful to him for that.

"I never knew that you all were... my parents were happy for me. My father had always been so controlling about my whereabouts and I know it was because of my bad health. He wants me around. He had always been so overprotective." I silenced for a second too long, before continuing...

"His overprotective-ness was the reason, I asked him to not come. I got to know about... you and Dadu two months after my convocation. When Dad said, he'll be there for the convocation, I thought he's coming to get me. And... I wasn't ready. I wanted to come home but the guilt in me was too much. I couldn't look into my own eyes; how could I face you all? I wanted to gather that streght, or mujhe time laga wo laane mein khud mein." I sniffed, brushing my tears on the shawl.

"Sahil...aap toh phir bhi teen saal ke the, maine apni pehli saans se leke uss raat tak khud ko aapka maana. That...that one moment broke me to my core, Sahil. I felt that...that pain for the first time in 18 years of my life and it wrecked me. For three years, I believed you were cheating on me, I thought maybe you were planning to get married to--." He jerked my hand away. The moment I mentioned the cheating thing, he pushed my hand away from his body.

"I need to sleep." He muttered. His voice heavy and rough. I stood up from beside him and walked to the couch. I sat there, watching him from far. This is what I deserve...watch him from distance. I made the bed... now I have to lay in it.