I groaned pushing my face into the pil—wall? Floor? What did I do last night? Did I--sleep with someone? Please no!  Slowly, like the sneaky person I am, I peeled right eye open and looked around—ohhh. Srinagar. Hotel. Fever. The man of my stupid heart, I wanna throw across the room, tie to a chair with a duct tape slapped on his mouth, so he'll fluffing listen to me. I looked down, when I felt myself rising and going down. Nothing biggie, just laying down on mah man chillin'. He'll kill me! Yeah. Nothing biggie my shoe.

I tried to slide down his body--oh oh--someone has their hands on my waist. No biggie. HE HAS HIS HAND ON MY BARE WAIST! BARE. UNDER MY NIGHT SHIRT. How does that even happen in sleep? I am not letting him kill me-- it's his fault he couldn't keep his hand to himself. Not like I climbed the mountain without some help from the mountain. 'We are adults and are fully capable to share a bed, or you're not?' Guess who's not 'capable' of sharing the bed without his hands all over me?

The door knocked pulling me out of my 'let's call someone names' phase. The knocking continued harshly, I had tried to get out of his hold, it's not happening. So I'll let him open the door. I am good person. If he wants to get out of this warm, cozy bed and walk the length of room to open the door-- I'll let him. Be my guest. Please.

He started moving, I put my head softly back on his chest, closing my eyes-- once a good sleeping actor, always a good sleeping actor. I had calmed down my breath to make it seem more believable that I am sleeping but-- his hand started moving around. The one under my hoodie. I bit down on my lower lip to not make a sound. He was still kind of half asleep, I don't know if he had his eyes closed or what. His other hand came to brush away hair strands from my forehead, my heart stopped working. God. Why he had to be so soft when he's faking being so rude? The only reason I am letting him do whatever he's doing is only because I know, I've seen, known-- what real Sahil under this hurt and mean Sahil is. I know all the little things he used to do for me every single day. I know how he used to look at me-- how he still looks at me. I have caught him twice with those eyes. Maybe he didn't realize how he's looking at me or maybe he thought no one's looking. But those two times were enough for me. The fact that this man had all the girls around him, drooling over him like he's piece of steak, and yet, he never went on any dates. He never looked at any girl the way he looked--looks at me.

My best friend may be loyal to her brother, and she doesn't tell me much about him or the time we've been apart. But she did say things that'd mean something to me. She told me, after him and I had our first ever conversation or we could say argument, that he has been as single as a pringle all these years. She also gave me two names who tried to ask him on dates-- guess who wants to die from my clawy hands once I have my arm candy with me?

My bubble of thoughts burst when I felt his hand, that was under my hoodie, come to the back of my head, my heart fluttered when I felt his lips brush my forehead and then gently, he turned us around. I made sure to keep my best sleeping face on. He slowly untangled our bodies and left the bed. He pulled the duvet over me, for extra measures, I moaned lightly and snuggled more into the duvet, once I was settled down-- and the knocking still didn't stop-- his looming shadow walked away.

"I have been knocking since ages." My brother yelled. Please restart this morning where my brother and him aren't going to fight. "It's 7:30 in the morning, Mehrotra. You have lost your fucking mind." His gravelly voice said, they must be busy glaring each other to death as we speak.

"Did you share the bed?" Wrong move, bhai. You know he hates this stuff. "That is none of your business. I told you that day and I'll repeat it again, do not meddle in my business." I could almost imagine his jaw ticking as he speaks.

"I don't want you to hurt my sister, Sahdev. You have done enough already." My brother. I wanna run to him real quick and whine in his chest for being the absolute best ever.

"Why are you here? You want to see her? She's sleeping. You wanna know about her fever? Yeah, it's gone. You wanna ask about what she'll have for breakfast? She'll be in your room in 20." Sahil Sahdev finished his rant, I breathed deeply. I don't want them to fight like this over me, they are best friends. They have been each other's backbone all their life and now seeing them going at each other's throat like enemies--makes me sad.

"O..Okay. I also wanted to know what you'll have for breakfast. Suhana and Falak don't want to go downstairs, so I am ordering in for everyone." Yeah, give each other that bro hug. Alas, I know this is it. This is their love language. I am not getting any bro hug today. "Your phones were switched off."

"Yeah. She didn't turn it on after the flight and I-- I forgot to plug it in the charger. Just order whatever you all are having. She'll probably want some toast and coffee. Also order her some seasonal fruit platter, her body needs all the fuel." Sahil replied back in a low human like voice. He sounds so normal. Why does he have to behave like angry young man all the time? It's not sexy. I mean it is, most of the time, but sometimes it just makes me want to tug on his hairs harshly and rotate his head 360°.

"Alright. Be there soon." My brother said and the other person just hummed in reply, the door closed. I waited for him to come wake me but all I hard was some shuffling and then a zipper opening or closing. Is he getting naked? Should I like--peek or something? The zipper is long--wait--- that must be the trolley bag zipper. Oooh. Dumb me!

The bathroom door opened and slammed shut. I waited for a beat or two before peeking out, later the shower turned on too. I slapped my head back on the pillow, a smile softly stretching over my lips. He kissed me. Isssh! *Blushes and then cringes at herself*

Breathing a sigh of... relief? Happiness? Contentment? Solace? whatever it was, it put my heart into fluttering mode. Little steps, Ahaa. Little Shea steps. Looking at the bathroom door for some more moments, I finally pushed myself out of the bed-- I have joint pains of a sixty years old. I stretched --to which no one said bigggg stretch-- then headed to where my luggage was.

I got my outfit for the day out and then realized my phone was nowhere to be found. I sauntered to the closet where I put my handbag last night. While I was busy rummaging through the bag to look for the charger, the bathroom door opened. I peeked from the cupboard door to see him coming out in the bathrobe with a towel in his hand working to dry his hairlocks. My eyes moved down his body--which was covered in the bathrobe, irritating me-- what the fluff is wrong in just being in a towel? I mean let people appreciate all the hard work you have done to build this masterpiece.

"Ahaana!" Him howling my name out in that voice snapped me out of my head. The moment I saw his face paling and him walking to the bed and throwing the duvet down the bed, had me to my knees.

He was looking for me. He thought I left.

"Sahil!" I walked the length of the room, but he was still in daze, the pillows, covers everything was tossed down on the floor. I tugged on his arm harshly, making him face me. The look in his eyes at that moment will maybe haunt me for the rest of my life. I cupped his cheeks, while he gasped some heavy breaths, his eyes taking me in. Taking my presence in, but the eyes never got their softness back.

"I- I thought... I thought..." He whispered, breathlessly.

"I know. I know." I rubbed his shoulders, he breathed in and out, his eyes still dead. No emotions... nothing. It was as if being locked in a dark haunted house in the middle of nowhere. The eyes that used to shine the brightest, now looking as dead as being in a morgue.

He gulped down, his cold fingers coming to my face and trailing down my arms, his knees buckled, and he let himself down on the edge of bed. Wrapping my arms around the back of his head, I pulled his head to my chest-- to let him hear my heartbeat-- thinking maybe that'd give him some type of assurance. I don't know why I did that, but I remembered Ellie doing this with Killian whenever he had a nightmare and I just knew, this was Sahil's nightmare. His worst nightmare and I was in it, and I was the reason of this.

I almost hissed when I felt his finger digging into the sides of my thighs. I moved my fingers in his hairs, his warm breath hitting my chest with every exhale and inhale. We stayed in that position for I-don't-know-how-long.

"I am sorry, you had to see that. You go carry on with whatever you--"

"I am so, so scared of what it must be to live inside your head." I cut him off. He was pushing me away, again, but I wanted to be here. With him, in this, where I belong-- beside him. He didn't say anything more-- I thought this conversation was done for.

"It's like living in an empty strange cold place, without any source to carry on life. It's like trying your level best to get this thing-- we call brain started but getting nothing but silence... deadly... soul sucking silence in return." My knees could not handle those words. I was going down one second and then I was on his lap. I breathed in harshly. I hated myself more with each passing second.

He pulled his head away from my body, our eyes met, his lips part to leave a breath before he started, "I read a quote somewhere and I don't think I have resonated to anything this deeply ever. It said— there was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought—"

"—there would be an after you. But there was, and I was in it." I whispered cutting his words off. Our foreheads now joined together.

"And a part of me will always be in it even if everything settles down." He completed. I know this wasn't the line in the book, it was his own words. I let our eyes meet, his still looked haunted and that broke another piece of me.

"I am here Shai. I am here and I am not going anywhere, and I'll keep proving this to you every day for the rest of our lives." I brushed my lips on his nose, he let out a long breath, maybe he didn't realize he has stopped breathing there for a minute.

"Go shower. Your brother will have my ba-- just go." He removed his hands from my body, this was his way of locking himself back again, his way to get himself under some control. I let him. One step at a time. One moment at a time.

I let myself kiss his forehead before getting off his legs. My eyes roamed on his face one more time and his did the same. I took a step back but then-- I stopped. I didn't want this to end. Didn't want this moment to pass. I needed something and I'd have that at any fluffing cost. So, I did what any 'sane woman out to win her man back' would do. I took that one step back closer to him, his eyebrow raised in question but I didn't give him much time to think over it, heck, I think I didn't give myself time to think over what I was going to do-- I leaned down, my hand went straight to the back of his neck and wrapping his hairs in my fist-- I made his face come closer to mine and kissed the corner of his lips. Not his lips... the corner. You know just giving him a taste of what he is missing. Before he could do anything, understand something, I was already walking to the washroom and the door closed behind me with a thud.

Oooh. That was intense.

I looked around the space I was in.. hmm... Can I spend an entire day hiding in here? Pwease?

Sulking and blushing, I went to finish off my business.

By the time, I came out of the washroom, the room was clean and empty. I was hoping for another moment but as he always says, 'you don't always get what you want.'

Putting on my puffy jacket, favorite beanie cap and admiring myself-- gotta do what a girl gotta do when her man is being a meanie-- I headed out of the room, making sure to take the keycard with me. Quickly walking the short distance to my brother's room, I pushed the door open with a hard shove. Gotta make an awesome entry. If you guys don't already know, I am childish like that-- get used to it. Everyone turned to look at me, of course their face brightened up, I am their little ball of sunshine.

"Finalllyyyy. I thought I'll die of--"

"Not being able to see the beautiful me?" I cut Yug off strolling to where everyone was seated. I did hear some snorting in Sahdev's voice.

"Hunger but okay." I halted and gave Yug a look, he gave me I-don't-care look. Falak patted the seat beside her, and I squished myself in between her and Yug on the two-seater couch. Bhai and Suhana sitting on the chairs opposite to us.

The one who shall not be named so frequently sitting on the edge of bed with phone in one hand and the other stuffing breakfast down his gorgeous throat. He started eating before I came. No manners!

Yug pushed my plate to my side, but I kept my eyes on him. We were twinning. It was unintentional... of course. He had the same jacket from the same brand, in the same color. The butterflies in my stomach awoke again and I looked down as soon as my head started thinking about that almost kiss.

All the chirpiness, confidence left my soul in a mini-second and my face flushed, I looked down making sure to hide my face from the other eyes, but mostly his.

"I am bored. Why can't we go outside?" Satan's heir whines from the bed, I didn't even look up like all the other four times.

"Because you need proper rest to overcome the weakness yesterday's fever has gifted you." Falak replied sweetly. Why do these people baby her so much?

"I wanna go out." This time I looked up. She already had her eyes on me. She made a face as if saying 'take me out'. I slightly shook my head in negative before looking down to my phone.

After some 2-3 minutes of dead silence-- everyone was busy lazy-ing and scrolling through their phones-- I heard some rustling before a shadow loomed over me. "What are you doing?" I breathed out harshly, prayed to God to not let me loose my patience, before looking up at her. "Going through news." I replied when she didn't leave even after the annoyed look on my face.

"Can I read too?"

"Sure." I replied looking back into my phone. Why would I say no if she wants to go through the news in her phone?  I mean who in their right mind would say no to some much-needed peaceful silence.

"Thanks." And she sat down on my lap. My lap. In a room full of our friends/siblings. My lap. Like on top of my thighs. Like-- you get my point right?

I didn't turn to look at her, my eyes went straight to the bed where Advik was laid down on, between Falak and Yug. He had his eyes on his phone, but I could definitely see that little smirk-smile sorta playing on his lips. Bastard!

"Sh—" I caught myself on the right time. "Ahaana. Don't make a scene, we are not alone." I met her eyes, knowing too well of the attention on us. They may not look at me, but I knew where their priorities or ears lay at the moment.

"You would let me do this if we were? Alone, I mean." She had the audacity to wrap her arms around my neck. Someone get her attitude checked. She doesn't know what she's playing with. I'll feed her to Coco and Oreo.

"Get off or I'll shove you down." I narrowed eyes, she bit down on her lower lip, teasingly smiling. Here I was seconds away from loosing my shit and isse majak lag raha hai.

"Take me to Gulmarg." She whispered leaning in closer to my face. This woman has lost her freaking head. Like completely. She knows I hate any sort of PDA and she's still doing this.

PDA? Really Sahil? Huh.

Shut up!

"If you don't know, we are in Srinagar. Gulmarg is another place. It's maybe 60 or so kms away from where we are." I moved my eyes to the other people in the room—who looked so deep in whatever they were doing as if they were the most focused people in the world— as I said, I know them fuckers better then their parents. I turned my eyes back to the walking talking hydro-bomb in my arms.

"Fifty-six kilometers to be exact. We will reach there in not more than two hours. If Yug or Bhai is driving, even less. It's just 9AM, we'll come back here by six in the evening, tops." I wanted to deny her, but I have had enough of her whining for a day, and I have 12 more days left to bear her tantrums, so I did what any sane human would do-- I agreed.

"Never and I mean, never, ever do this again." I shoved her down making her shriek-gasp. Obviously making sure that it wasn't a hard fall. I mean how much would it hurt to fall down from this height? Like come on. Don't be a baby.

"Bhaaaaiiii!" She cried, I stood up, sidestepped from where she was on the floor and walked to where Mehrotra was sprawled out like some freaking boondi raita.

"Instead of ruining our vacation for this little spoiled sister of yours, why don't we go to Gulmarg? It's just fifty kms. We can be back here later in the evening and have a good night sleep before starting our bike ride. I don't have it in me to stay here and lose my damn head hearing her crib." I pushed my phone in my jeans pocket, making sure to not meet his eyes. Arsehole knows me a little too much.

"Sure. Why not? We can leave the girls here, what say?" I clenched my jaw. These Mehrotra siblings are working my blood pressure up to the sky. I know what he is trying to do here.

"Hey! Don't make me start ranting on feminism and constitutional rights." Falak slapped Advik's chest with the back of her hand, and I mentally murmured a thankyou prayer to Waheguru.

"But—"

"Cut the crap, Adv." Suhana stood up from her chair in the other corner of the room, now that I noticed her, she looked like she has been grinning for a while now. Great. Exactly what I needed. Another sibling gene who thinks this situation I am in, is hysterical funny.

"You guys are no fun!" Advik whined. The fucker actually whined. Wtf is wrong with these siblings? And why did I have to be the one to deal with them?

"Watching you fight yourself is the hottest thing ever, you pathetic loser." Yug said from beside Falak. I was regretting the past 20 minutes. Like a lot.

"Sometimes I seriously think about reconsidering my life choices." My sister murmured to her fiancé before shaking her body in disgust, as if she wanted to shake off the 'hottest' comment. Here, I wanted to shake myself out of this idiot family.

"Ayy! Stop this. You guys coming or I go alone?" Everyone turned to look at the woman who pushed me down this mess. She was standing with the door wide open and the beanie back on her head-- she's obsessed with that thing. I rolled eyes. "I'll make the arrangements." I murmured to the rest of the clan and walked to where she was standing. She looked ready to walk with me. "No!"

"But--"

"I said no. Or I'll cancel this whole thing." She sulked and walked back to the bed; I left the room. Footsteps thudded behind me, I didn't turn back, already knowing who was coming.

"I am sorry, for this morning." I turned my head sideways to throw a glare at my best friend.

"Shut up." He chuckled.

"Thank you for not trying to push her away." He said smiling gently, I quickened my steps to put some distance between us. It didn't work. Obviously.

I don't know what exactly is going on in everyone's head right now about the situation I am in with her, but mine is befuddled, rattled and everything mixed up chaos. I don't hate her, but I am not also at a stage where I love her. We have five long years of difference between us. Miscommunication, misread and misjudged. I am not only confused but also so tired. I just want some peace-- I don't get that silence in my head even when I am alone. I know I am trying to run away from issues, from her but I just wish that someone had told me about her arrival-- maybe that would have helped me into sorting myself out and preparing for all things that'd come with her. But no-- one day she was dumped on me the same way her leaving was thrusted upon me. Like, for god's sake give me a break.

I want to hear her side of the story. So bad. I want to question her, talk to her about why she did what she did. I want to blame her for letting Dadu go in pain but a part of me also knows there was some reason behind it. She is not someone who ignores hundreds of calls from her family. I want to give her the freedom to grieve him because she didn't get the chance to. I have come to accept bits and pieces of her reasons of leaving but-- I just am not ready to move past it. I know we will marry-- I have accepted this fact after my father hurled abuses at me in the wake of the incident of me telling her, I'll marry someone else-- but I don't-- I am just so confused and unsure about so many things in my head. And my heart. I think I need to have one proper conversation with her to put things in place and for that I need to ready myself. I don't want to hurt her, because whenever I say something hurtful to her, it wrecks me. It creates chaos in me and that's not healthy for any of us.

There's just so much to talk about but so little. I don't know how to start a conversation with her. I don't know how to behave around her. Sometimes I see tiny pieces of the silent but sassy and loud Shea, I have known for 18 years and then the rest of the time there's Ahaana Mehrotra, the stranger. I don't know what to make out of things. I have tried to talk about this with my shrink as well last week, but the arsehole was of no use, he just told me to have a conversation with her because more than me, my head needs that explanation-- Yeah, that helped a lot, as if I didn't know that already. I gotta dump his ass. No use paying shitloads of money to him when he's of no use. But it was his idea of us sharing a room saying that'd help me start to open up little by little. I wouldn't say it was a great start after this morning's panic attack. I make the strategic but easy plan to try and not repeat this morning...ever again.

"Back to earth, Sahdev." Advik snapped his finger in front of my face, I came out of my daze. We both fought our way out of the elevator as people who were waiting for the elevator started entering before letting us out.

"Where are we going exactly?" Advik questions and we both stop walking some steps away from the reception. Yeah, we didn't ask the little troublemaker where she wants to go and knowing her, she'll maybe need a day to make a decision.

"Let's just go for skiing. I mean Gulmarg is famous mostly for that." Advik nods in agreement, we both walk to the receptionist and make all the needed arrangements. Half an hour later, we all jammed in the car with the driver and were off to our first adventure of the vacation.

•

Gulmarg, defines its name in every sense. Meadow of flower. We came here at the perfect time of the year. It was filled into its peak with people...but it was worth it. The view was worth it, the people I was with were worth it. We were waiting for our turn to ski after the gondola ride to phase-II-- girls were too overconfident of themselves and said no to phase-I, ski was our ride back to the base. There were some people ahead of us, so the girls decided to take pictures before we started our ski session. That was my moment to not shine. No pictures please!

Until a certain someone decided against it, I was happy being away from camera spotlight until she came towards me. I looked behind her to see Advik clicking with Falak and Yug busy with Suhana. Yeah, it hurts na, Shea? She straight away walked in my arms, like no fear... at all. Straight away her head to my chest. "Kya hai?" I whispered, making sure to keep my arms away from her. Can't have her thinking I am okay with this sudden close proximity.

"I am tired." Sure, she is. She had 103 fever last night but no, she had to come here. Stubborn!

"Wanna skip this thing?" I asked, again making sure my hand didn't move to remove that hair strand falling on her nose.

"Nah." As I said, stubborn.

"Ski with me." She whispered meekly but it was enough to reach my ears with the way I had tilted my head to be near her. I gulped down the lump forming in my throat.

"Take Adv--"

"Nahh. It's okay, I'll go alone. I don't want to disturb their time; they already get so little time." I wouldn't be put it past my best friend to have knocked Falak up in these coming 12 days. The idiot was never good at keeping his hands off her, imagine them together... sharing the same bed. One way ride to utter mayhem. My eyes met our Ski instructor, I motioned at the woman in my arms and then at my own self and then the ski board in his hand, he moved his head following my finger until he understood what I wanted to say. He gave me a thumbs up; I tilted my head back to her.

"You guys are such a beautiful couple." A voice said from beside us, Ahaana pulled her head away from my chest to look at the girls beside us. I didn't say anything, Ahaana thanked the girls, engaged in some small talk where they told us they were on girls' trip and asked us if we were married, to which Ahaana said no. The girls left bidding us bye.

"Why didn't you say no to us being a couple?" She pushed that hair strand under her beanie, now standing away from me, I instantly missed her warmth.

"As much as I'd like to ignore or run away from this, I can't." I replied back, our gazes met. "We have a long way to go Ahaana. My silence does not mean I am okay with whatever that is happening. We are not moving forward. I am just biding my time."

"I know, but Shai, please, I will go down on my knees to beg if you want, but please hear me out once. Just once listen to me and then you can take any decision you want. I will make our parents leave this alliance thing, if you don't see my reasons." She threaded our finger together. I looked down at our joined hands. We were both wearing hand warm gloves, but it was as if our hearts have started beating in sync and we could feel the blood moving in each other's body, spreading that warmth all over.

I noticed Advik and other three walking towards us, I looked down to her. "We are riding together from tomorrow, but I don't want to have this conversation when we have all the vacation in front of us. I want to get some peace these few days, so we'll have a proper conversation when we reach Pangong, we'll spend our last two nights there in camp before boarding our flight. We'll talk then and I'll only give one night to you, Ahaana. Just one chance. You ruin it... I'll move out of the building, and you'll change your job." I completed and at the same time all four of them reached us, Suhana wrapped arms around her waist and put her chin on Ahaana's shoulders. I moved my hands away from hers, she gave me a light pout. I swear to God, her pouts are very frequent but this one was different. I wanted to kiss it. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to taste those lips. I wanted to take her fucking breath away and have her clinging to me like a second skin.

Yeah. That's what happens when you have been celibate all your life and suddenly the reason of your celibacy comes back dressed in outfits specifically designed to kill you! She went a girl and come back a woman, not my fault. Or is it?

She was wearing white over oversized pjs and hoodie last night, and it took everything in me to not pin her to the wall and have my way. I don't know what's happening with me. I have never thought of her like this ever. This was first. Even when her father thought I'd try to do some naughty stuff with her, these thoughts never crossed my head. I was happy with just being in her company and talking to her. But now-- everything was getting out of hand. Or it wasn't long before it was in my hand. Pun intended!

Her father would kill me if he ever heard of these thoughts running in my head.

Our ski instructor came to tell us we were next, and we all headed for some fun. Luckily, on this vacation, I wasn't alone. I had someone who was stealing glances at me every few seconds and it made my heart flutter a bit. I guess, we'll be okay after all.