I'M JUST staring at a blank, white screen. Blinking. Breathing. Nothing runs through my mind, my eyes tired and withering to a black silent sleep. My hands shake as I look at the small text at the bottom of the screen; it showed you were typing. You're at least alive on the other end. I can't say you're living, though. I wish I could.

MY ARMS are red, a pretty, pretty red, if only it was from a gunshot from my head. My brain hurts and my body feels weak, and a rush of dizziness flashes my vision. You think I'm okay, and the sad thing is that you're right. Delusional insanity leads to denial, I suppose.

I DON'T HAVE enough strength for the both of us, and I refuse to waste it, so I hand it over to you. I don't want to get better. I just want you in my arms. Arms covered in hoodie sleeves and eyes covered with a veil of lies. You tell me I have a pretty smile; I say it's pretty fake.

I WAIT for the day when you wake up and leave me. I wait for the day you look at me and realize that this all is in vain. I wait, but don't hope. I blink. I breathe. I would just stare at this same blank white screen until you come back. I would wait to feel alive again. But it's gainless. It's pointless. Because you'll never come back for me. Nobody has and I'm not worth your sight.

WHY DO I ever lie? Why do I speak? Listen? Reply? Why do I wake up just to make you frown? Everything seems to bare now. It's all blank. You don't love me anymore. And the thing that hurts the most is that I had you in my arms.

I HELD YOU but I grasped on too tight. I held on but it strangled you, it choked you, It stifled you and even when you told me to stop, I still clanged. I was a snake, wrapping myself around you with panic and terror that was irrational. Or was it? Were you lying all this time or am I really that crazy? What happens when you log off? When I'm left with this blank white screen? What do you do in the log off hours, when the chat room is vacant?

I LOVE you. I HATE you. I FEAR you. I NEED you. AND ALL I want is for you to leave so you can free, free from me. Leave it be; leave me here with this BLANK WHITE SCREEN