Yayyy for long chapters!! Sorry for the delay.

~

"Everybody makes mistakes." Audrey pauses her frantic scurrying around the kitchen to flash be a sympathetic smile before continuing to make breakfast for everyone. If I wasn't in such a mood, I'd find amusement in the sight.

Yet, eyes narrow at Harry as he walks into the kitchen, gliding past Audrey and grabbing a ripe banana. The way he acts comfortable makes me irritated. It's like he's made himself at home, while I'm struggling to do the same, even though I have the right to.

No, Ellie. You like it.

Okay, maybe I do like the fact that Harry's found a home away from home. Maybe I like that it's with the people I trust the most. 

Whatever.

"You more than others," she adds as an afterthought. My expression flattens. She gives Harry a disapproving look. "Will you chill? I'm almost done cooking," she scolds. He then proceeds to promise that a banana won't fill him up and his stomach will have plenty of space for her lovely breakfast.

Kissass.

Waking up this morning was a messy affair. Unfortunately, I remembered everything from the night before. I was hoping it was a nightmare, but that wasn't the case. Even more surprisingly, Harry didn't crawl into my bed. Now that, I'm grateful for.

It definitely threw me off when I woke up to see 3/5ths of One Direction sleeping on the couch. Audrey claimed she felt bad and they had nowhere to go. Yet, we both know they're rich enough to settle up in a hotel room.

I told her about last night. I had to. She'd already figured it out by the time I confirmed the news. Apparently, me yelling at Drew and looking like a defiled virgin had told the entire story. Plus, she was my best friend. If I hadn't told her, then who would I talk to?

You'd expect her to scold me, especially because we both know this isn't the first time I've acted so toxic. Instead, she keeps brushing it off, calling it a simple mistake. It's annoying if I'm being honest. Why can't she just call me out on my shit? It would probably snap be back on track.

Niall bounces into the kitchen, flashing me a bright smile as he passes. I return his look with a blank face. His smile drops and he sits next to me. "You know Ellie, I've noticed you've cut off a lot of relationships. I mean there's us five, lord knows who else. I'm starting to notice a common factor, it's your stupidity."

"Listen, I came here to see the two people I didn't cut off, okay? Not my fault others like to show up uninvited," I say irritably. Seeing his bright puppy dog face is just a physical reminder of all I lost. It doesn't help that Laine's about to be added to that list as well.

Niall playfully puts his hand over his heart. "Ouch! Audrey, are we really not welcome?"

She shoots me a look and gives Niall a kind smile, something a mother would do. "No, you're always welcome," she says sweetly, focusing back on her eggs. I mentally brood at her behavior. Whatever happened to girl code?

"See El, you're the only one who doesn't want us," Niall teases.

"Fine," I dramatically push back my chair and stand up. "Have your little party, I'm leaving." Protests are called behind me but I go to my room like an angsty teenager and slam the door shut, locking it behind me. It's probably for the best. I'm known for my vicious moods and it's better to be out of the splash zone when they occur.

My phone rings but I don't bother checking it. Odds are, it's probably Drew telling me to quit throwing a tantrum and go back outside. As much as I want to, I just can't. So instead, I pull out my laptop and settle on my bed. Maybe there's some work I can catch up on. 

My phone rings again, and I let it vibrate against the mattress.

It's the third time that gets to me. I get ready to tell off the caller, whoever that may be, when I realize it's an unknown number. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. Telemarketing callers are just as irritating as pushy friends who just don't understand.

"What?" I snap into the phone, more than frustrated. Three calls is a little excessive.

"Hello to you too," a man chuckles on the other side. I furrow my brows in confusion, unsure who's speaking. A telemarketer would never answer with such familiarity and the voice belongs to none of my friends. He takes my pause to answer my mental question, "It's Adam, your dad."

My jaw drops wide open and I stare at my phone in shock. Fuck. Fuck! Never in a million years did I think we'd talk, especially not after that night at Noah's house.

I bring my phone back to my ear, pointedly ignoring the way my hand is shaking. "How'd you get my number?"

"It doesn't matter," he brushes off. It makes me humorlessly laugh. Of course, he'd dismiss the topic, just like he dismissed his own family. "I was thinking about you recently. I'm not sure whether you're free during your break, but if you are, I'd love to meet."

I blankly stare at the white walls in front of me as a sense of panic seizes my throat. How does he know I'm going to college? How does he know I'm in town this week?

He blabbers on, oblivious to my swirling mix of anxiety and frustration. "I know your sister-"

The pieces snap into place and I absolutely lose it.

"Listen, I don't know what lies you've been telling Lily, but you better stop," I hiss into the phone.
"She's a vulnerable kid. Don't call either of us again."

"Now, El-"

I hang up. He deserves so much more than a measly few words but I can't today. It has not been by day and I know that if I scold him, he won't understand. He'll never understand. And I'll end up crying which is mortifying because he was never good at emotions. 

It's not like I'm sad. I'd be crying because I'm frustrated but he'd take it the wrong way and make it all about him. He doesn't deserve that power.

Lily. How could she? I specifically told her not to go after our dad. After I saw him at Noah's, he showed no regard for me. For us. He didn't bat an eyelash toward me. You'd think that being his kid would spark some type of emotion, but nooo. It was obvious he was living his rich life to the fullest with his wife. He didn't need two kids to burden him.

But Lily is a child. She thinks everyone in the world is good and pure. She was young when the divorce happened so she doesn't understand.

I frustratedly groan as I think about what to do next. I know what I want to do, but is it right?

You know? Fuck it.

I grab my keys and storm out of the bedroom. At the kitchen, I vaguely tell Audrey and Drew I'll be back soon, ignoring the curious gazes coming my way.

"Do you need a ride?" Zayn chimes in. I dangle my keys in front of him and angrily walk out of the apartment, blinded by red.

My small car comes into view and I get behind the wheel. My anger shows in my driving as I go past the speed limit. I'm just lucky no cops around.

I pull into my house's driveway and stare at the garage. The odds of her being home are slim. It's a school day and mom doesn't let us take many sick days.

My insistent pounding proves no one's home. I frustratedly groan and sit on the porch steps. My chin buries itself on my kneecaps. It takes everything to stop myself from pulling my hair out.

See how one little move sends me into a domino effect? I'm sucked right back into my past life and every moment is exhausting.

I'm a mess.

In a surprising turn of events, I end up calling Macy. I facetime her and as soon as I pick up, I tell her how much I hate it here. She reminds me I can always go back to campus, and I know she's right, but even that doesn't sound comforting.

We talk for a little, especially about her new soulmate. Apparently the guy she slept with at the party was hers, which is why she was so excited. I don't know him but I'm happy for her. Sonia doesn't know yet because she doesn't have cell reception on her cruise, but I know she'll be a little bitter.

I end the call feeling a little better. It's nice to talk to a friend and the distraction was more than welcome.

Everyone here is so overwhelming. Audrey has changed in the blink of an eye, acting more adult-ish. It's not a bad thing, but very weird for a nineteen-year-old girl. Even Drew is different. I can feel the disappointment rolling off of him 24/7 and I'm so sick of it.

Everyone else here seems to hate me and I'm starting to think that my best friends are joining them.

And after today, I might not even have Lily's good side.

Sonia and Macy, ironically, the only people I feel comfortable around right now. Maybe it's because they don't know about my past, which seems to be the burden of my life. They don't know how stupid, indecisive, and selfish I've been. How freaking moody I always seem to be. They don't know many relationships I've ruined.

That's precisely why I keep myself as secretive as possible. I'm sure when they learn about me, the true me, they'll see what a horrible person I am. I've been trying so hard to fix myself. I've stopped my addictions, I've given up half my pride, and been as selfless as possible, but I know that would be overshadowed the moment they learn about me.

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to ever get it right. My friends are sick of me, and honestly, I'm sick of myself too.

And as much as I want to barge in and yell at Lily for keeping contact with dad after I specifically asked her not to, I don't. I can't afford to lose another relationship, especially not today.

So I don't. I don't wait for her to get home, and instead, I get back into my car and take a deep breath.

Ironically, I have nowhere to go. I'm in my hometown and I have no freaking place to go. I've corrupted all my safe spaces.

God, I'm so miserable.

Something washes over me. I'd like to believe Audrey's newfound maturity has rubbed off on me, but I can't be sure it'll last. Maybe I'm attempting to repent my sins. Whatever it is, it forces me to swallow my pride and go see the one person I've had virtually no contact with since summer.

Parking in the small plaza seems foreign considering I've always come on foot. I deeply inhale before stepping out of my car. I lock the door three times, an anxious habit I've picked up. The cafe seems pretty empty, minus a few professionals catching up on emails.

I open the door and hold my breath as the bell signifies my entry. I release when I realize Noah isn't here.

Oh gosh, I'm so relieved.

What's even better is that the barista who makes the amazing iced coffee is working. I smile at her as I walk in, unsure if she even remembers me.

"Oh my gosh! It's been so long!" she exclaims. "What can I get you?"

"Iced coffee with cream and vanilla, please," I smile back, secretly pleased that she knows me.

She awkwardly waits after punching in my order. "Uh, I don't know-"

"No, it's okay," I hand her my debit card and she gratefully takes it from me. I don't blame her, the situation is super awkward. "Uh, is Noah here?"

She shakes her head. "He stepped out to do some shopping. I'm honestly not sure when he'll be back. Should I let him know you stopped by?"

I vigorously shake my head as she hands me my card back. "I'd rather you not," I say. She nods in understanding and makes my drink quickly. I thank her and grab a seat at one of the tables in the corner instead of my usual spot at the counter.

Maybe I'm glad Noah isn't here. Maybe I'm not ready to face him. What if things aren't the same? What if we can never truly recover? What if he'll always be on the long list of people that hate me?

Sometimes, it's better to get no closure rather than be hurt.

I breathe in the scents of imported coffee. Mentally, I feel at peace. The screams of the espresso machine are enough to relax me, sending me back to a time in life where everything was different.

But even the calming aura isn't enough to stop my heart from beating every time the door opens. Every second, I think Noah's going to walk in.

My coffee runs empty but I'm not ready to leave just yet. I don't know why I torture myself, staying longer and risk being seen. Maybe I want to be noticed. Maybe I'm not ready to say goodbye to this place.

I walk up to the barista and order the same thing again. Her eyes widen as she gestures to the backroom. I give her a puzzled look until Noah walks out, carrying several cartons of milk.

Of course he would come in from the backroom. I've been monitoring the front door like an idiot.

I stand paralyzed. I'm seconds away from being spotted and I don't know what to do. Either I can make a break for it or be a man and let fate decide.

It doesn't matter, because he sees me first. Everything happens in slow motion. His jaw hangs open and the cartons slip from his hand. I cautiously watch his every move as if he's an animal about to pounce.

What he does next surprises the hell out of me.

He walks around the corner and I flinch, waiting for him to yell. Instead he hugs me. At first, I tense. When I realize his intention, I relax and hug him back. I'm sure the relief is clear on my face.

"Y-you're not mad?" I softly ask when he lets go.

He looks at me like I belong in a mental asylum. "El, we had one fight. It was months ago and I forgot about it a week later."

"But you never called," I point out.

He scoffs. "Yeah, because you changed your number and I literally had no way to reach you. By the time I had the idea of visiting you at your apartment, Audrey told me you moved out."

Oh wow.

I grin and pull him into a hug again. "I really needed this, thank you." The tension that was weighing down my chest eases up just a bit. Enough to make me realize that this mattered more than I let on.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you, El. Like so much that I kept Harry around just so I could talk to someone about you," Noah tells me as he pulls away.

I give him a puzzled look, to which he gestures to my usual seat. I grin as I take a seat, the other barista sliding me my drink. It feels warm. Comforting.

"The day it happened, Harry somehow magically wandered in here. He was stressed and I forced him to tell me his problems, blah blah blah. Well, afterward, we kinda bonded in our mutual love for you. That's weird, I know. Anyway, he came around more often. He's the usual ball of sunshine, ya know? But I put up with it because I think he needs this just as much as I do," he explains.

So he was here that day!

"I'm sorry, I'm rambling about him. I-uh- how are you?" His voice is heavily laced with concern.

I let out a small laugh. "Honestly? I'm awful. Like, probably the worst I've ever felt, but right now I'm okay. I'm more relieved we're okay."

He gives me a sympathetic smile. "Me too. Are you here on break?" I nod in response and listen attentively listen as he catches me up on his life. Apparently, his family was super annoyed when he told them he "dumped" me. Not because they liked me, but because it doesn't look good to others.

"Your family sucks," I snort. He mumbles his agreement, but then goes on to claim that they're all he has and he should be grateful for them. Sounds a lot like brainwashing to me, but I don't tell him that.

I slowly sip my coffee and debate what I should tell him about. There's a lot of stuff happening, and too much to explain now. I don't want to mention anything controversial that might jeopardize our renewed friendship.

Instead, I stay quiet. I do the listening, for once, instead of ranting his ear off.

Noah is the one person's life that didn't change much. Overall he seems the same. Sure, he has a slight shadow on his face, but that's the only indication I can get of his life. He looks the same, acts the same. He's still running the quaint coffee shop, content with his life.

The bell by the door chimes and he glances over my shoulder. His fallen face along with the racing of my heart are all the hints I need to know who came in.

"Uh..." Noah awkwardly starts.

I smile reassuringly. "It's fine, I think I'm gonna head out anyway." I don't miss Noah's look of disappointment or the fact that he glares at Harry from behind me.

I'm too slow to get up though, and Harry joins at the seat next to me. "Didn't expect to see you here," he says calmly.

"Same goes for you," I chime. If Noah didn't just tell me that he's a regular here, I'd think he came for the sole purpose of finding me. It's still an odd thought, Harry and Noah hanging together. It's the least likely couple I'd expect.

An awkward silence sets in and Noah's eyes go back and forth between us. I don't know whether I should leave now or stay.

"You know, I should go. Don't want to interrupt your boy time," I decide, getting up and grabbing the remainder of my second coffee.

"No!" They both chorus at the same time.

"It's okay, I can leave," Harry offers.

"No, you just got here. Besides, we talked plenty," I smile at Noah.

"No, I talked plenty. I still have to hear about you," he points out. I give him an exasperated look. Even if I was to catch up with him, I can't do it with Harry around.

"We need to talk too," Harry adds, looking at me.

"We," I send Harry a pointed look, "don't have anything to talk about. And you," I point at Noah, "I'll be back soon, hopefully."

"Wait, at least give me your number!" Noah pleads.

How can I give you my number when Harry's right here?

"Later?" I squeak, glancing at Harry.

He reluctantly nods, nothing more he can do.

"I'll see you guys later," I smile and walk out. I'm about halfway to my car when someone calls out my name.

"Wait," Harry calls out behind me. He catches up and walks alongside me. "You have a car?"

"Yeah, figured I should stop relying on rides."

He nods and puts his hands in his pockets as he stares at my car. It isn't new but isn't that old either. It's a 2011 Toyota Corolla, the cheapest car I could find with the least miles.

"It's nice," he says awkwardly. I know he's lying. He's way too used to his new fancy cars to appreciate the beauty that's my car. She has character!

"It's cheap and it drives, what more could I ask for?" I laugh.

He grins and nods, his curls flopping in his eyes. "I, uh, like your hair."

"Thanks," I instinctively run a hard through my short strands. "Needed a change. Yours grew a lot though."

"Yeah, I kinda like it this way."

Well, this is weird. I can't remember the last time we made small-talk. His lack of smugness has me teetering on the edge of nervousness. He hasn't acknowledged last night yet. Normally, he'd be shoving up in my face right about now.

"I, uh, have to go. Do you know if the boys are still home?" I awkwardly linger around my car.

"Where'd you go?" he asks seriously, ignoring my question.

"I was right here?" I lie.

He shakes his head. "I thought you'd be here, so I came earlier. I went to every place I thought of, but couldn't find you. You seemed angry when you left."

I give him a sheepish look, ignoring the way my heart was fluttering at the idea that he came to look for me. "My dad called me when I was in my room. He basically told me he's been talking with Lily and wants to meet. I went to my mom's house to yell at her." When he gives me a disapproving look, I add, "But, I didn't. I just sat there and left after a while."

I'm not sure why I'm telling him all this. It's none of his business. Probably because of the whole soulmate thing, I don't know.

"Of course I didn't check your house," he smacks himself on the head.

"I'm glad you didn't." His look of hurt makes me explain myself. "I did a lot of thinking there. It was nice, to be alone."

"And what did you think about?"

I furrow my brows in thought. "Well, not good things, but things. I realized I can't have Lily on the list of people who hate me. I still live here and summer would be so awkward if the whole town hates me," I tease, but get no amusement from him. Tough crowd, I guess. "So then, I came here. I figured I'd at least apologize to Noah. He didn't show for a while, which was good, then he saw me. Everything's good now."

"So you can forgive Noah, but not me?"

Ugh. I hoped the conversation wouldn't go here.

But why wouldn't it? He feels wronged and he was wronged. I at least owe him a little bit of compassion.

"Let's go for a drive," I say, unlocking my car. Harry skeptically looks at the vehicle, then back at me. "She runs well, Harry."

"It's not the car I'm unsure about..." he trails.

"Take it or leave it," I call out before settling into the driver's seat. I avoid looking at him as I turn on the car and plug my phone into the aux, playing my indie playlist. My hands are shaking with nerves but I will myself to calm down.

A minute later, the passenger side opens and he ducks in. I hide my smug – yet relieved – smile as he closes the door and buckles in. 

I drive to a secluded area and park on the side of the road. Harry knows exactly where we are. It's a small creek close to my old job. I used to come here a long time ago. He visited me here once too. 

We walk to the clearing and I take a seat on the ground, drawing my knees to my chest. He follows, sitting crosslegged. We both stare at the small waterfall. The fresh air fills my lungs and I greedily inhale, trying to suck every last bit in before I do this. Because quite frankly, it feels like I'm short on oxygen right now.

"I know it seems like it, but I'm not mad at you," I speak, breaking the silence between us. "Well, I am, but for different reasons."

"Why, then?"

I keep my gaze forward, but I feel his eyes on me. "It's a lot of things, truly. Your timing is awful, you're so crazy stubborn, and sometimes you use people around you like they don't have feelings."

"That's not new though," he points out instead of defending himself. Normally it would make me laugh. Today it makes me hate myself.

I numbly nod. "I'm mad because your judgment's clouded around me. You shouldn't forgive me so easily. I'm so damn toxic to you and you always let it slide." 

"That's not true," he furrows his brows.

"It is though. I said some hurtful things, purposefully to make you leave, and you're still here," I admit. "You shouldn't do that."

He scoots closer to me and grabs one of my hands. "Baby, I know you didn't mean that stuff." When I give him a flat look, he adds, "You don't remember this, but the night before when you were high, you told me you loved me."

My heart rapidly beats as I try to remember that night. I was so upset about my dad, I asked Drew to bring me some weed and we smoked in his car. I remember being caught by Harry, but he wasn't mad. Then, I remember saying I loved him and got no response back.

"You didn't say it back," I recall.

He shakes his head with a smile on his face. "I couldn't believe my ears, honestly. I wanted to tell you, but when you were sober, so you'd remember. I had it all planned out, but then Tom called and told me about the contract issue and Trina."

I nod slowly, following along. "So, you knew I was lying?" I'm not sure if I sound feel giddy about that or even more discouraged.

"I know that you gave me up so I wouldn't have to make that decision. I know you stopped talking to our friends so they wouldn't choose sides. I know you stopped talking to Noah because he couldn't see your viewpoint. I know everything, El."

I redirect my gaze to the water. He's more observant than he leads on. Then again, can I really say that? Since when has he not noticed me?

"That's why I'm forgiving you. I know what you did was selfless. You didn't want to ruin my life, so you ruined yours instead. I promise everyone can see that," he continues, squeezing my hand.

I stay speechless.

"But, it's your decision on what to do next. I've been too damn selfish, so it's your turn. I'll be waiting here, always. No matter what," he adds softly.

I'm starstruck, yet in denial as well. I don't deserve someone like Harry. He's always one step ahead in Ellie-world. He deserves someone much better. Someone who has a grip on her emotions and can handle the world of stardom, because I sure as hell can't.

I lean my head on his shoulder and breathe in his intoxicating scent. All my muscles relax in response. "I'm gonna need some time," I confess.

"I know, baby. All the time you need, okay?"

"I didn't sleep with him," I blurt out. I'm not sure why. Maybe because of the way he's being way too understanding. It's throwing me off. "Laine, I mean. We haven't done anything." I look up to see his reaction. His face is contorted with surprise, along with a small amount of guilt.

"It doesn't matter if you did or not. We weren't together and it was unfair of me to even ask, considering I was the one doing it." His voice sounds controlled.

"I understand," I mumble. "I knew you and Trina would have to do it eventually."

He avoids my gaze, looking at the far distance. He obviously feels guilty about it, but it's not his fault. Plus, he did nothing wrong. We weren't even in a relationship. I may be moody but I'm not a clingy ex, even if the thought of Trina touching his skin makes me want to go on a murdering spree.

"Just 'cause I'm letting you decide doesn't mean I'm not gonna fight for you," he teases, breaking the tense mood. My face breaks into a knowing smile. He's trying to make things normal between us. I need this.

"There's the Harry I missed so much," I laugh, leaning more into him.

"You missed me?" He sounds genuinely surprised by the confession.

"Of course," I scoff. "Like a lot, to point where..." 

Am I about to risk my pride and tell him about the visions?

"What?" he asks amusedly. He obviously knows my hesitation is because of something embarrassing.

Guess I am. "Okay, uh, weirdly enough, I would have these random flashbacks of us. Like, I'd do something and then get a super intense deja-vu."

His amusement doesn't fade and his lips twist into a smirk. "What kind of flashbacks?"

"Oh, you know," I start awkwardly. "Times like when we made the bed, kissed," I then lower my voice like I'm sharing a secret, "showered together."

His brows quirk up. "Really? Well, you must have missed me too much," he teases. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid, but at the same time, I've missed his arrogance.

My smile drops and I look at him seriously. It's time to address the elephant in the room... or the creek, I guess. "Harry, I don't know what I'm going to do when I leave. I... I have a different life and so do you."

"El, we've been through this before."

I avert my eyes back to the water and deeply sigh. Suddenly, I feel more vulnerable. "I know. But after all the Trina things, I realized how vicious celebrity life is. One little screwup and you're done. I'm not cut out for that and it's not fair to you to be holding back because of me."

"You're scared."

I nod. "I am. But, that's not the point. I just... I don't know if I'm ready for all of this... and you. Nothing's changed, Harry. I don't think we should get back together."

He wistfully smiles but I see the offense in his eyes. "We'll make it work."

I'm not too sure about that.

~

I originally wanted to rewrite this chapter as well but it felt too time consuming so here it is. I'm actually not having the best day (or week) so I'm going to try and upload soon but it might be after Monday.