𝐒𝐈𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍. 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐃
I Need to Hate You

EVERY ATHLETE HAS A MOMENT when things suddenly fall into place, a lapse of time when you're shaken with the actualization and memory for why you do what you do. Even beyond sports, there's this awakening for everyone and everything. Whether it's an artist discovering their muse or this earth-shattering realization for someone who discovers that what they're doing is something they wanna continue for as long as they could. The trigger could be the most random of things; the surge of desperation in your veins makes you remember how badly you want it, how you're willing to fight for it no matter the consequences that await you. Every moment you took for granted is now moments you regret, ones you wish you could burn out of existence because to have something question your dedication is a shame no one wants to live with.

      Watching Asahi play with the Neighborhood Association team was a moment of desperation, a cry to erase the shame that once took place. His scream seemed to shake the gym, rattling the bones and the hearts of everyone there. For Minako, who never really spoke to Asahi out of all the third years on the team, it made her understand the wing spiker a little more. It made her understand the pain of all the weight he's carried in his heart, the burden deep within him, and the shame he huddled in the shadows.

      But something within him awakened, a desire, maybe desperation, to see something from his team in this club come to life.

      "Good job!" Kyoga, who stood next to Minako, cheered. Minako followed in his lead and clapped as the plays from both sides successfully followed through. Although she still didn't care much for volleyball, seeing the team slowly get into a groove was rewarding.

      Watching Nishinoya and Asahi join felt like old times when Minako wasn't a manager and was dragged to their practices just so Kyoga can keep an eye on her. The unspoken trust and bond between the teammates, the effortless plays set into motion, all of it was rewarding and fascinating to watch. The smallest gesture and look can signal anything.

      Knowing that they were going to have a practice match with Nekoma was nerve-wracking and exciting for everyone. Given the history with Nekoma's coach and Coach Ukai — not the blond store manager that always gave the last red bun to Minako — everyone was on the edge, desperate to make something out of it.

      There was something about the team now that made them raw. The air shifted and the atmosphere itself was tenser but in the best way possible. It left everyone on edge, hungry to do their absolute best as if every match was going to be their last. All Minako knew was that ever since the new first-years joined things have changed as the possibility of winning became more apparent.

      Just as they shifted to yet another set, Minako's phone buzzed alerting her to leave for her ice time. She pulled it off and cursed, not realizing how much later she was going to leave and how little time she'll have now. She has half an hour to get to the rink and even then she'll only have two hours to practice, a quarter of it being spent helping Seina and her program.

      "Everything good?" Kyoga asked as Minako shoved her phone into her pocket.

      "I need to head out for my ice time," Minako muttered under her breath as she began to close her notebook with all her notes and observations from the practice match. "I'm late and I promised Seina that I'd help her with her program and shit."

      "But we're not even done with the game yet," Kyoga protested, his voice catching the attention of the other players on the bench. He awkwardly gave them a wave and shooed for them to look away before he continued. "You can't just leave, you're a manager!"

      "Daichi-san already knows that I'm leaving early for today," Minako argued in a small voice, her eyes glancing at the captain who was yelling out commands and guiding the other players. "I'm sure you'll manage without me."

      "But after that, you're going home alone," Kyoga stated in a matter-of-fact way that made Minako sigh. He crossed his arms across his chest and gave her a pointed stare like a father would. The only thing is that their father wouldn't be as protective over Minako as Kyoga is. "What if you get lost?"

      Minako gave him a funny stare. "You do realize that I was only gone for a few years and that I used to live here, right?"

      "Hey, you're directionally challenged, I'm doing this for your sake."

      "You're hilarious, but I'm going to go now and you're going to tell me how the rest of this match goes later," Minako waved off and placed her notebook in Kyoga's arms. "Remember, you kept a big secret from me, you owe me!"

      "You mess up one time and suddenly you're the bad guy," Kyoga muttered as he shooed Minako away. 

      And despite his words saying otherwise, Minako knew that he was happy for her, that she was creating some kind of normal for herself here. Although it was nothing compared to the strenuous and intense schedule she had in France, it was something to her. This was a reminder that she hadn't completely given up on her dreams, that there were chances for her to fix this and make something out of his situation.

      After managing to slip away without making too much of a scene, Minako began to make her way to the bus stop. Unlike the usual stomach of butterflies and anxiousness that she'd feel before heading to the rink, she surprisingly felt light, almost excited to get on the ice and spend hours there.

      Bringing Daichi to the rink could be considered detrimental to her jam-packed schedule, but she couldn't help herself. For the first time in months, she had fun at the rink and it wasn't because of a new program or acing a jump or sequence. Seeing Daichi do his best to keep balance and take the tiniest steps to get to one side was hilarious. For a brief moment, she wasn't Manon Clavette or this new skater version of herself, she was just a girl skating with a boy.

      If anyone were to see Minako right now they'd probably stare and whisper behind her back. She wouldn't blame them. As she walked down the hill she twirled and hummed her program song to herself, mimicking the jumps and sequences as best as she can on the bumpy sidewalk. As she jumped her backpack would hit her back, the feeling of her books hitting her softly. On top of her big movements, it didn't help that she just looked like your average student — then again she isn't sure that wearing a dress would make much of a difference anyway.

      By the time she reached the bus stop, she was giddy, her excitement so palpable that the tips of her fingers buzzed. She had a long way to go before her program was even closed to being finished must less perfect, but she's always been one to handle any challenges coming her way.

      Maybe I can show the team my program when it's done, Minako thought to herself excitedly. Show them what I can do and what I'm good at!

      The thought of having the team support her — she's seen Tanaka at his peak when he and the other second-years showered her with applause and endless amounts of praise when she started walking without crutches — was something she couldn't wait to have. Now knowing that they see her as part of the team, even if she is just Kyoga's annoying little sister, is exciting.

      "Ma fifille!" French. "Manon!"

      Whipping her head to the side she was met with the sight of an unfamiliar car stopping not too far from where she stood. Exiting from the passenger side and the back were her grandparents, her grandmother Eloise waving to her happily with a silk handkerchief, and her grandfather giving her a warm smile as he smoothed out his dress shirt. They stood out with their fancy, expensive clothing, but it wasn't that that made Minako froze.

      What were they doing in Miyagi of all places? For as long as Minako could remember, her grandparents rarely made the effort to travel to Japan, always fighting with Basile to have the family fly over rather than vice versa. Minako attributed it to their grandparents being city folks and not having the stomach to eat any of the Japanese comfort foods she grew to love. Because God forbid they don't eat anything expensive or from a luxury restaurant. The last time they came to Japan was when they picked Minako up to whisk her away to Lyons to train with a new partner.

      Minako could barely comprehend her grandmother's kiss against her cheek and the feeling of Eloise holding onto her shoulders. Finding the right words to start were proving to be difficult.

      She loves her grandparents, but the sight of them was a bucket of cold water washing over her happiness. Their last encounter wasn't entirely pleasant with Minako fighting Eloise on staying in Miyagi to support Kyoga and her lack of a plan for the next season. Granted they made up — well it was more like her grandmother brushed over the fight as if it never happened — but other than that she rarely spoke to them other than the occasional emails with her updates. Her grandfather Hugo on the other hand was someone she didn't often speak with. Although he always showered her with love and devotion like Eloise, he respected her space and never fought against her decisions — again, a pushover.

      "You've gained some weight," Eloise noted, a tinge of disappointment in her voice as one of her hands smoothed over the top of Minako's stomach. She felt her skin crawl. "Are you eating more carbs again? I told you that only makes you fat! What about your workout regiment? Are we still following that or have you given up on it?"

      Hugo sighed at his wife's nagging, "Eloise, leave her be. She looks fine."

      "Well excuse me for worrying about her figure!" Eloise shot back as she pulled Minako into another suffocating hug. She pulled away just to gesture to Minako's body once more. "Look at her Hugo! She looks heavier than she did when she left!"

      Her grandfather simply shook his head before he turned and gave Minako a warm small smile. "Ignore her Manon, you look fine."

      Perhaps she's been out of France for too long. Hell, the competition world in general, because she knows she's lost her edge. If it were anyone else at school who made those comments Minako would have no troubleshooting back a snarky remark and not carrying about the repercussions. In her head, she knows she's better with the secret of her double life practically dangling over them. But the fact that these were her grandparents, the people who saw her at her best and see her now is terrifying.

      Comments about her weight no longer upset Minako as much as they used to. She was used to it. But hearing it only made her stomach drop. Was she no longer skating material that even her own grandmother noticed? She knows she hasn't been keeping up with her routine, she knows that she's not working as hard as she used to, but wasn't it enough?

      "What are you doing here?" is the first thing that came out of Minako's mouth.

      "Dear, you haven't seen us since last year," Eloise frowned, almost disappointed with Minako's words as if she hadn't just insulted her.

      "I'm just confused," Minako said in a meek voice. Her knees were about to give up any second now. "Why are you here? I thought we'd see you during — "

      "Manon." No.

      Turning her head seemed impossible. Every fiber in her being screamed at her not to ignore the voice and just stare at her grandparents. But Minako couldn't ignore the way her body reacted to the mere sound. Her body froze, her hands went cold, and her feet going static. She wondered what would it be like if she just turned and looked.

      Flashes came and go, memories she wanted to forget suddenly reappearing like a terrible montage to pique her natural curiosity and want. Sneaking fast food before going to the rink, watching the sunrises before morning practice, traveling for competitions, squeezing hands for good luck like some stupid superstition will make everything okay, and living for the first time in your life. Every emotion known to man seemed to wash over Minako and she doesn't know what the fuck to do.

      But she looks up anyways.

      Mathis.

      Minako drinks the sight of him. It had been months since she's physically seen him and the pictures from the newspaper didn't do any justice for him. If anything, he looks the same, perhaps even better than the last time she's seen him at the hospital. He stood out easily even in simple black jeans and a fitted olive green long sleeve. His light brown hair shone in the sunset and his skin just as heavenly and tan as she last remembered. Her memory betrays her when her eyes give him a look over. Memories of how he towered over her to the point where he could easily rest his chin on top of her head and the way his arms would wrap around her as a blanket would serve as a painful reminder of how secure he made her feel. Nothing changes the fact that he's still one of the most handsome men she's ever seen.

      Suddenly feeling insecure, Minako placed her hands in front of her trying to cover up the 'pudge' her grandmother mentioned. It was ridiculous to feel self-conscious and insecure in front of a boy who had done her wrong, but the need to feel perfect and enough for Mathis still stood. 

      And she hated that.

      Without speaking he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. The smell of his cologne was intoxicating, but never did Minako think she'd miss how warm and comforting it is. Minako doesn't move to hug him back, she's incapable of doing so. Warmth seeped through the fabric of his shirt and somehow transferred through her thick club jacket.

      Mathis rose his head and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Salut, ça va?"

      "Good," Minako replied in a whisper once he pulled away. He still held her close as his eyes drink in the sight of her. She knew she looked different. Her cheeks filled out and she was no longer as pale as she was in France. She wonders if he still finds her attractive and if part of him still sees her as extraordinary despite the dullness that had settled."I'm . . . I'm good."

      "You look good, Manon. Really."

      Minako pulled away from his grasp and ignored the curious glances she received from her grandmother that practically asked her what she was doing. She cleared her throat and flattened the ends of her jacket. Fully aware that she was still in her gym clothes and no makeup, she avoided Mathis' gaze and turned to her grandparents. But nothing changed the fact that she could feel Mathis' eyes burn into the side of her head, almost forcing her to keep in mind that he's still there.

      "I should go, I'm heading to the rink for my ice time and I'm already running late," Minako commented weakly. Her knees were going to give out any second now if she doesn't get away. "But I can direct you to where my house is and — "

      "Oh, nonsense! We're here to pick you up for dinner," Eloise waved off. Her grandmother didn't notice the tight panicked look on Minako's face. "Why don't we all go to a place you like Manon? You can choose!"

      "I really shouldn't, I'm late and — " Feeling Mathis' arm slither around her waist made her shut up immediately. Minako snapped her head to the side and tried her best to glare at him, but anyone with two eyes could detect the panic written all over her face. Mathis wasn't deterred by the murderous glint in her eyes, but instead, he held onto her tighter.

      Mathis was an idiot, he could sense the wave of nerves emitting from Minako. This isn't the first time he's saved her from an unpleasant argument with her grandparents, but she never thought he'd do it once again.

      "I saw a restaurant not too far from the hotel we're staying at," Mathis mentioned as he flashed Eloise and Hugo a smile. Minako wished she had told them everything, that they didn't hold him to a pedestal. But the last thing she wanted was for them to cause a commotion. "I think it's the perfect place for us to catch up with Manon and how she's doing."

      Eloise clapped her hands together. "Perfect! We'll give you two a moment and wait in the car, but don't take too long now!"

      Minako opened her mouth, ready to protest, but her words fell short as her grandparents quickly headed towards the car. It didn't help that Mathis squeezed her hip, the action making her falter and hesitate. Just as her grandparents disappeared into the car Minako was quick to try to remove his hands off of her. Mathis spun around and pulled away before Eloise or Hugo could see Minako try to push him away.

      "Easy now," Mathis murmured, "We don't want your grandparents to worry."

      "I hate you," was all Minako could get out. 

      She stared at him in disbelief, almost unsure as to why he was here and how natural he was acting. She hated how unremorseful he looked, how he looked fine when she struggled and felt the pain for months.

      Minako couldn't trust herself. She wanted to leave, to run back up that hill and go in the safety of that stupid smelly gym. They were far from strangers, but they were individuals who reminded her of her downfall and how far she's strayed from the perfection she once was.

      "Manon, just listen — " His hand briefly skimmed her shoulder before she smacked his arm away.

      "You listen," she hissed as she stepped closer. Minako pointed her finger into his chest, "I need to hate you so stay away from me, okay? We have this dinner and then you and I move on. You go back to Lyons and you stay with Lisette and I stay here and do what I need to do."

      "I just want to talk, that's it."

      "I don't need to hear what you have to say!" Minako seethed. She blinked away her tears as she tried to steady her uneven breathing, "I'm not going to give you the chance to ruin things even more. I can do this without you."

      Mathis shook his head, a frustrated expression on his face that was far from the calm and collected look he had when her grandparents were around.

      "You've always been a good skater, Manon," Mathis finalized as a sad smile hung on his face, almost as if he knew pushing her would leave to an escalation. "I know you can do it, that's never a question and I hope you know that."

      "And I hope you realize that there's nothing I have to say to you, not anymore." Minako forced herself to turn around and walk towards the car, her expression neutral to ward off any suspicions from her grandparents, and her head held high.

      You're going to be fine, you can do this, she tried to tell herself. And as she settled into the middle seat next to her grandmother and waited for Mathis to follow, all she can do is think about anything else to get her through this horrible situation.

      But all she could think about were Mathis' words that repeated like a broken record:

      She's an amazing skater. But why wasn't that enough for him?

AS MUCH AS SHE LOVES HER GRANDPARENTS, she's quickly reminded of how suffocating they are. Especially her grandmother Eloise. Minako was always taught to love her family no matter what and even though everyone was well aware of how estranged her father is to her grandparents, she has always been encouraged to build some form of relationship with them. Hugo doted on her like any grandfather would by buying her whatever she laid her eyes on and never failed to offer pocket money whenever he saw her. On the other hand, Eloise took a different approach by becoming more involved in the things Minako loved. Her grandmother always boasted about her feats as if they were her own and every victory Minako had would've been heard by all of Eloise's friends. As much as she's appreciative of Eloise's involvement in her career — the woman did pay for her private lessons and just about everything — Minako only wished that she didn't stick her nose into everything. Undoubtedly her grandmother grew impatient with Minako's extended stay in Japan and her lack of presence in the skating world. After all, that has to be the only explanation as to why Minako was sat in a private room of a luxury restaurant with her grandparents, Mathis, and her former coach Anya.

      "Manon, you've hardly ever eaten," Eloise noticed as she pushed the plate of greens closer to Minako's plate. Her brows drew into a tight furrow as she dabbed the corner of her mouth with a napkin. "You're not going to be able to practice if you're not energized for it — "

      Minako picked up the blanched spinach with her chopsticks and placed them on her plate to shut her up. She wasn't sure if she wanted to eat just to please her grandmother or to eat as little as possible to avoid another comment about her weight gain. But then again Minako isn't sure she has an appetite to start with.

      "Manon's always been well energized for practice," Anya Nikolaev commented as she placed her chopsticks down before giving Minako a warm smile. "Ever the spitfire and energizer during ice time, even in the early mornings. How are you now? Are practices going okay?"

      Anya Nikolaev was her former coach, but more importantly, she was — is, Mathis' coach. Ever since Mathis began competing, his family hired Anya, a former Olympian that represented Russia. To this day she's still the best coach Minako has ever had and despite how much of a hardass Anya can be, she was dedicated and loyal to Minako to a fault. Anya believed in her skating in a way that no one ever has, not Mathis, and not even her own father. Leaving Anya was harder than leaving France because Minako couldn't see herself under any other coach. To think that Lisette Boucher took her place and got to train under one of the very best. Even her jabs about Lisette were something she couldn't dare touch upon because if Lisette was going to be trained under Anya there was no doubt that even she could rank up easily.

      Swallowing the lump in her throat, Minako averted her gaze to her plate to avoid looking at any of them. "No," she answered finally before she looked up with a tired smile. "I recently just started practicing again and I've taken the last few months off for a break."

      "An unnecessary one if you were to ask me," Eloise muttered before she took a sip from her champagne flute.

      "Well, I think it is necessary," Minako shot back. She arched her eyebrow, testing her grandmother to argue back but was pleased when Eloise didn't say anything. "I've decided I'm going to quit pair skating and compete in the singles division."

      Silence seemed to fill the private room to the point where if she were to drop her chopsticks on the tatami mat it would've been heard. Minako took in the looks of everyone's faces, part of her feeling incredibly satisfied that she finally had their attention and the other feeling as though she wanted to throw up. Her grandmother looked like she was gonna throw up her fish, her grandfather simply looked surprised like she told him she was going to change hair color, and Anya looked taken aback as her brows furrowed in confusion and a frown settled on her face. Mathis's reaction satisfied the vengeance she craved after months of pain. His smile dropped and the look of disbelief and confusion was enough to make her get a brief taste of victory. For the first time in their relationship — no, partnership, she's finally had the upper hand. He finally understood what it meant to lose someone, to feel the world slip under your feet.

      Surprisingly it was Anya who spoke first.

      "So you're going back to singles then?" Anya asked softly, her face showing no signs of judgment, but rather of intrigue. She folded her hands together and leaned forward. "It's been a few years for you, no? Everything's going to be different."

      "You're damn right everything's going to be different!" Eloise shrieked as she threw the napkin on her lap onto the table. Her face looked like seven different shades of red and if her anger wasn't directed towards Minako then perhaps she would've laughed. "Singles? Are you kidding me? You're a pair skater, Manon!"

      "What I'm trying to say is that you've progressed in a different direction when it comes to your skating," Anya clarified after shooting Eloise a dirty look. "The skills you've practiced, everything you've trained for was for pair. To quit and to move onto singles isn't impossible, but it's time wasted."

      Minako shrugged, "Not entirely. I plan on competing this season. It's not impossible, because let's be honest, it's me here. I can handle my program easily."

      "We're just surprised Manon," Hugo tried to explain. "You were interested in pair skating at such a young age. I know these last few months couldn't have been easy, but you still love it, don't you?"

      "I don't see the point in having to trust yet another skater when I have myself," Minako finalized, not missing the opportunity to glance at Mathis. His face hardened at her words and his jaw clenched as if bit back his words. "Finding another partner is going to be difficult. Many of the skaters in France require me to leave Lyons to train in a different city and it's another process of getting to know someone and building chemistry. It's easier if it's just me."

      "We could've found you another partner!" Eloise stated frustratingly.

      "And I appreciate that," Minako said calmly as she reached forward and placed her hand on top of Eloise's. "I really do. I appreciate everything you've done for me and I couldn't have gotten as far as I did without you or grand-père's help. I don't know if I'm going to compete nationally for Japan or France, but I'll figure it out. But Mathis has a new partner and I'm going to stay in Japan to train for as long as I can."

      Anya sighed before she wrapped her coat even tighter against her body. "That's actually what we wanted to talk to you about," she brought up quietly. The coach briefly glanced at Mathis whose gaze was averted to the table. After realizing Mathis wasn't going to say anything, Anya continued, "The partnership with Lisette has been confirmed for one season. It wasn't announced, but our agreement with Lisette is that she and Mathis compete together in one season to see how it works out. But there is no doubt in our mind that we would love to have you back."

      Minako tightened her jaw. "I wasn't aware seeing as how no one mentioned to me that Mathis was even getting a new partner. I had to find out through a newspaper."

      "The timing wasn't right." Minako glared at Mathis, not sure if she's angry that he finally spoke up or that he even did. "We — I was going to tell you, but I . . . I didn't want to set you off. But she's right, you and I are amazing together. There's no recreating what we can do together. No partner can change that."

      "You're going to make me look like an idiot if you think that I'll just join again after you compete with Lisette fucking Boucher," Minako seethed forgetting that they weren't alone. She let a dry laugh, "What, one second you and Lisette compete after we both humiliated and defeated her in previous seasons and then you and I go back to skating? Who do you think will look like the idiot, you or me?"

      "Manon!" Eloise gasped, horrified by her granddaughter's lack of manners.

      Minako and Mathis never spoke up about what happened between them. From what everyone else knows — except for Kyoga and the few boys on the team — they simply had a terrible breakup that left their partnership on the edge. As much as Minako would love to expose and humiliate him she knows that she'll be on the receiving end of the backlash. And quite honestly she'd rather not be known as the girl who got cheated on by her partner slash boyfriend.

      "We haven't skated in months!" Minako tried to defend herself even if she knew that excuse was terrible. She leaned back into her seat and crossed her arms across her chest. "You expect me to just wait around for Mathis to pass his senior test and come back for me? I refuse to train for a test that doesn't guarantee I have a partner or that we can do what we used to!"

      "And that's what I'm here for," Anya reminded her gently. "We'll get you back into it, we build what we left off with and we start again. There isn't going to be any waiting. We get you someone else to help you with your test, we get you passed, and then we wait for the next season."

      "So I just put my career on pause?" Minako questioned furiously as she stood up abruptly. She threw her hands up in the air and let out a frustrated groan. "I just wait until Mathis finishes his perfect season with Lisette and then I step in? That isn't fair!"

      "Manon this is something," Eloise emphasized strongly. "This — It's better than your dream of doing singles! Do you know how competitive that field is? How much more you have to do?"

      "I'd rather do that than just sit here and do what everyone expects me to do!" Minako exclaimed loudly, not even caring that the people outside could've easily heard her. "I wanna skate again, but I wanna do it on my terms! I want to start fresh and just have fun for once! Not crazy diets, not wondering if I'm the reason why someone else lost, and not wondering if I'm even good enough!"

      "You're throwing something special away, Manon," Eloise condemned lowly. Her eyes suddenly softened at the sight of Minako, almost as if she suddenly remembered that this is her granddaughter standing in front of her. "You have something special in France just waiting for you, a chance that others would love to have."

      Minako smiled sadly, "I have something special here too. I know it's not the perfect situation right now, but it's working for me. I have this cool support system backing me up! I'm going to school and — and making friends and joining clubs!"

      "You're an athlete, you know you have to make some sacrifices!"

      There was no fighting her grandmother on this, but she couldn't back down. Minako shook her head as she began to collect her backpack and get ready to escape. She knew that she'd have to deal with all of this later — most likely tomorrow once her grandparents call her dad and complain about what she had done — but she couldn't bring herself to care. All she wanted was to go home or anywhere that didn't have her grandparents or Anya or Mathis.

      "I don't want to make any more sacrifices," Minako told them as she blinked away her teary eyes. "I don't care if none of you think I can do it, but I think so and that's all I care about. And who's to say that Mathis and I can go back to skating like we used to? There isn't any chemistry. So before any of us say anything we regret I'm going to leave. Enjoy your dinner."

      Ignoring her grandparents Minako quickly got out of the room and slung her backpack over her shoulder. She lowered her head to avoid catching the stares of the people whispering about her, undoubtedly because they heard the noise. It didn't necessarily help that the hotel was utterly small. Hell, Minako would be curious too if she heard shouting in a foreign language come from another room. But all Minako felt was embarrassment and raw frustration.

      Seeing Mathis didn't flare up any bitterness or anger that made her want to lash out. Surprisingly she was able to ignore him the entire dinner and pretended that she didn't notice the way he looked at her, desperately trying to catch her gaze or attention by involving her in new conversations.

      To hear her former coach and her grandmother say that going into Singles was an option too late to consider was perhaps even more devastating. In some ways, Minako has finally accepted that she'll never skate with Mathis again and despite him being a cheating bastard he was an awfully good partner. Deciding to skate again, to compete in a new field, and to start anew wasn't an easy feat, but she believed she could do it.

      "Manon, wait up!" Mathis called out as he followed her out of the hotel. He jogged to catch up to her and didn't miss the scowl on her face the minute she spotted him. "Just hear me out — "

      Minako jabbed her finger into his chest. "You of all people should know that I'm not going to sit around as your fucking doormat. I'm not going to wait until you and Lisette finish playing house for you to collect me."

      Mathis pushed her finger aside and held onto her wrist. Even under the dim streetlights, she could make out how light and pretty his eyes are. Or maybe it was simply her memory reminding her how utterly perfect he is like a bitter reminder that somehow she screwed it up with someone this beautiful.

      "I would never do that to you — "

      "No, but you'd cheat on me instead, right?"

      He could only stare at her in response. There was nothing Mathis could say to defend himself nor was there anything he could do to convince her that he'd choose her over Lisette any other day. And it was moments like these when Mathis was so self-aware that Minako hated the fact that she was still able to place him on this invisible pedestal that should've been demolished long ago. She knew that him knowing her limits was the bare minimum, but she also knew how deep his love ran that even just a sliver of a taste was enough to satisfy her.

      "I need to hate you," Minako whispered, not bothering to fight back against his hold on her. "Not because you cheated, but because I became a version of myself that I don't like anymore."

      Mathis shook his head as he stepped forward, drawing her closer. "You don't need to be someone else. You never needed to — "

      "I do if I want to survive. Because after what you put me through, I don't know if I can."

      "Manon . . ."

      "You don't get it. You . . . you made me feel so beautiful, so perfect like I could do anything I want in this world. You were the first person to make me feel like when I'm on the ice there's nothing that can stop me."

      "That's still true even to this day," Mathis insisted. His eyes watered at her vulnerability but he quickly blinked it away. "You are still beautiful."

      "You took that away from me. I don't feel beautiful anymore," Minako trembled as she pulled away from his grasp. She clutched the wrist he held like he had scalded her skin. "I kept on skating in that rink, pushing myself, just trying anything to get it through my head on why you did what you did. And I don't wanna know now. I don't want to hear you justify doing what you did. But I know that you're not good for me anymore."

      "I'm sorry."

      Minako felt herself physically shudder at his words. Even if he was sincere, even if his brief apology was genuine, it did nothing to heal the scabbed wounds layered on her withered heart.

      "I'm not going to do this anymore. I'd rather feel like the stupidest and ugliest person in this world than to push myself down this spiral with you any longer."

      Her heavy footsteps forced her to turn around and walk the other way. She didn't know the direction to her house nor how far it was. All Minako knew was that walking away from Mathis seemed like the right decision to make even if it was also the hardest thing she's ever done. Leaving France was easier because she didn't have to see him, she didn't have to hear his voice call out her name or convince her that she's still one of the best. But somehow even though it's been months the sweet lull of his words still haunted the abandoned hollows in her chest.

      "You were never ugly," Mathis said loudly followed by a sigh. "And . . . and I hope you know that."

A/N;

I TOLD YOU GUYS I'D UPDATE FAST FOR YOU! It's officially summer and my only plans are to finish my study abroad application (to be clear, start it because it's due September and I haven't even touched it yet), go to work (I work four full shifts and one-half shift a week), and actually redecorate and clean my room like I planned! In between all those, I do hope to read a lot more!

This reunion has been something that's been long coming! When I first created the plot I really imagined this scene and to be honest, Mathis and Minako's reunion was a lot more dramatic in my head. It involved Team Karasuno walking down the hill after practice, Mathis meeting her at the bottom, kissing her cheek in front of everyone, and having her and Kyoga whisked away by their grandparents for a talk. But I wanted it to be more personal, rawer I guess. Because in many ways, while we still hate Mathis and want Daichi or one of the boys to defend her honor, Mathis is still very much just Minako's block in the road, not theirs.

I hope you guys enjoyed this hunk of a chapter!

Much Love Guys.

( written: june 29, 2021 )
( published: june 29, 2021 )