••••••

He created a villain for me to believe in.

A villain to give purpose in my life and distract the truth hidden in lies so that my world remains unacquainted for, and so I don't begin asking the wrong questions for the right reasons. General Wang? Xu Donghai? Although they shared a motive to eliminate me, the block in Xu Donghai's goal, the lurking whore with red hands in General Wang's eyes, they were framed villains in my story. Controlled by my husband who devised my plot and details to his liking.

My doubts came crashing in.

Analyzing each word he has spoken to me, skeptical of his intentions. Questioning the sincerity behind his compliments, his confession of his love for me, his devotion to protect me and to give me what I need. Did he come back for me out of pity? Did he come back out of love? Did he come back because of guilt? Did he come back because the plan wasn't working in his favor? Did he leave me there at the House of MeiHua once he realized his mistake?

Does he still think I'm pretty?

Does he love me truly?

Does he still want a future with me?

Or does he view me as a weight dragging him down?

I must be losing my mind. I find that my husband has been using me and created this notion of love, yet here I am pondering if he ever loved me.

"You don't have to keep watch, I won't hurt myself. I feel better now." Turning over in the small bed of a hotel we crashed at within the city, I found Mo Lian Tan leaning against the wall watching over me like a hawk stalking its prey. Which I know he's been doing the whole night rather than getting some rest by the tiresome yawn he lets out.

"Okay."

Still, he doesn't tear away his gaze. I decided to not fight it.

Pushing my knotted hair off my shoulders with a long stretch of my sore muscles tensing upon action, I noticed no blood of Geifei's has stained my skin. Beside the bed, I discovered a dark mixture of water and scattered droplets trailing from the bowl to a rag hung up near Mo Lian Tan's figure. I stood to my feet. But because I've been lying in bed with barely any food in my belly, my weight felt unusual so I swayed, falling against Mo Lian Tan who appeared at my aid in seconds.

"I'm fine," The annoyance in my tone targeted him when it was at myself. "Just lightheaded."

He doesn't mind my tone and pushed forward his agenda, "You should eat something. You haven't eaten for hours, I'm worried."

"I just need to stand for a bit."

His pleading eyes were begging me to do nothing else but obey his command for once. Pushing past his tall figure while nudging his shoulder in the process, I ignored his satisfied expression as I went over to the table near the wall and sat with my legs crossed. Steam hits my skin when I began digging into my meal first after Mo Lian Tan waited for my movement. He sat across from me. And though I was putting on a good face, swallowing down that churn fighting up my throat as I ate to not worry him, on the inside, I was gradually peeling apart. Pinching my middle finger into my thumb under the table far from his worrisome gaze.

While chewing slowly, I couldn't help but capture the way Mo Lian Tan was looking at me. With care and patience and sympathy, wanting to make sure I ate first and all that I wanted before him; that I was comfortable and not on the edge of breaking tears when a few drops saturates my next bite, but it was his anxiousness spilling to say something which bothered me. Only I was surprised by how long he's been holding it in.

"What is it?" Sighing calmly, I placed down my bowl of rice still finishing my last bite filling my cheeks. "Either you're staring at me because you don't trust me with utensils or you must have something to say. If you're worried, I'm fine. I will..." my gaze narrowed, pinching myself harder. "I will be fine."

He chewed at his bottom lip before giving up his wait. "I don't wish to burden you too much, but because it's another thought that can't seem to leave my mind, I would like to revisit the conversation while your mind is with clear thought than before." He waited for my approval to give, which I gave having no idea what he was going to bring up. "As happy as I am, I-I don't want you to come to me because you feel it's your only choice — that I am your only choice. I want you to come to me because you want to. Because you want to be with me, willingly."

This was about last night.

When I said I would leave with him. As his wife.

He's distracted when his resting hand on the table was invaded by the coolness of my hand on his. "I want to be with you because I'm choosing you for myself, not because I feel pressured to do so. I didn't have much of a choice with Zian. With you, I know that your feelings are genuine and I can be happy. But,"

"You still love your husband, I know."

"And I'm ashamed, but... I love you too and I'm in love with you. Of course, I've known it some time ago, but I can no longer wait for a perfect chance that will not come. I do love you."

His lifted gaze at my confession formed a blushing smile on his face and tightened my hold in his. A moment he's been waiting for forever. "I love you too. More than anything in the world, my heart is yours and will forever be yours to break. Though I wish you would love me more because I will never win against him." He pouted.

I smiled. A real one that didn't seem forced this time. His selfishness was refreshing.

In truth, I still love Zian so much that hating him made me feel guilty. As though hating him was a crime. Then my stupid brain reminds me of our history together and the day when I first loved him. Then my heart is filled with the content of memories but I become so confused and leveled with my hatred I get stuck — I am stuck.

Still smiling despite my aching muscles, "Be patient with my heart. Though I still love him, I can't bear being with him in the same room anymore. And it's painful to think of him as a man I love while painting him as the enemy of my story."

He nodded. "What do you plan to do next?"

"I plan to return."

He gave a look that disapproved of my decision almost immediately but I assured him that the only reason I wish to go back is so that I can get my family away from his claws. But I failed to mention I crave to hear Zian's confession. To watch him crumble down to the real face he's been hiding from me all this time. That final piece which will set me free. Mo Lian Tan was filled with many thoughts he refused to share. What more can he do to a woman who's figured out her whole life has been a lie if not follow her lead?

After replenishing my health and preparing for the cold weather, I found my way back to my palace facing the fearful and relieved faces of Wanue and Yan Ran. Wanue rushed in for a hug almost knocking me off my feet and Yan Ran was so glad to see me, mentioning how she was about to call the army in search of me but it was Zhao Ji's idea to not cause a scene. She knew I would be back.

I only know what I'm told, which isn't as much as you know.

Zhao Ji felt my intensive glare that never left as everyone continued filling my ears with their delight for my safe return and wondering where I ran off to this time. Though she doesn't shy away from my stare having no clue what was going through my mind, she's clearly uncomfortable judging her thumb scratching the back of her hand, narrowing her gaze as a dry swallow spaced her lungs, then chewing the inside of her cheeks suddenly guilty for a reason not revealed.

While Laoliu sent for my brother as asked, I ripped my gaze from Zhao Ji exchanging no words with her and left to change into more suitable clothing than what Mo Lian Tan found earlier. Li Wei must've been nearby or he rushed over as soon as he was called for because he was waiting in the sitting area the moment I finished changing and stepped outside my room to find his arms pulling me into a tight hug.

Yan Ran took her leave respectfully.

There were no words that needed to be said as this hug conveyed more than enough. Tears brimming my eyes to fall were wiped by my brother's as he pulled away with a soft but sad smile. "I'm glad showing up every day to visit has annoyed you to the point you had to let me in." He chuckled teasingly.

Through my tears, a laughter filled the air. I motioned for everyone but Mo Lian Tan to leave us be. Zhao Ji cocked her head staring as if I had lost my mind then glared at Mo Lian Tan. She knew something went down while I was gone with him and wondered why him over her. However, she took her leave after everyone else.

Li Wei continued. "I'm tormented to hear of your suffering, not being by your side as I should, as your brother."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"Never be. You do what is best for you to heal. How have you been? Have you called me because you miss your brother or is there something bothering you this time? You know, you can tell me anything no matter how grave it may be."

Assured I'll always have my brother's support, I ready myself to spill the truth that his eyes have never seen. "I need you to listen," Taking his hand, I dragged Li Wei to the big couch so there would be no space between us and so that my words won't invade the wrong ears. "I lied to you about Zian. The truth is, he's not a good man or a husband and I am not happy in my marriage with him."

The smile he wore faltered a deep crease between his brows. "Why would you not tell me this before, Peizhi I — " He took a moment to adjust his blaring tone elevating with each word and released a heavy sigh. He wasn't angry with me but with himself for not recognizing it sooner and disgusted with his support that he gave. "I spoke highly of his man to your face all while you were hurting inside, and you didn't stop me? I've shared drinks with him multiple times and laughed over stories I shared with him of our childhood. I came to him once hoping you went to him when you weren't accepting visitors and gave him my ear to listen to his bullshit of love. I thought we sent you to a good man for a good life you could experience, and I saw through none of it. I'm ashamed."

I lowered my head as tears burned my cheeks. "I should've said something sooner but I was forcefully putting away the bad to see the good. But then you and the family thought so highly of him and I didn't want you to assume the marriage failed because of me. That I was a bad wife and I should do better."

Instead of wiping my tears, Li Wei pulled my body into his chest so that I may cry under his shield. His lips kissed my forehead and his hand gently rubs along my back. The area was sore but the pain was comforting too. "You're my sister, Peizhi. How much longer should I remind you that you will forever have my support in your choices and I will always stand by your side and believe your word first? There is nothing you could do in this lifetime that would make me see you any differently than as my sister." He reassured. "And I'm sorry that because of my actions, you were too afraid to come to me with this. I should've gone with my gut when I thought he was a strange man but because you seemed happy, I placed aside my views to see him as you did."

I like to imagine that if my mother was still here today, she would say the same as Li Wei because they were almost like one person. I knew better than to lie but around the time, I was happy in a way. I had more than any woman could say they had so I wasn't in my right to complain...but then I had to start fighting for his attention. His time. His compassion. His love. It grew tiring but still, I had to do what I could to survive because where else could I have gone? My world is so small, the city next over felt like the entire world. That I've seen all it has to offer which made appreciating even the slightest difference unknown to me easy. And because I love him, I wanted to force myself into his world so that we could feel equal again. Husband and wife again. In love again.

But we kept growing further and further apart.

"It's not your fault."

"And it's not yours either, Peizhi."

Maybe, but in truth, I played a part in my path too. There's no denying it. I hate myself for it too.

Standing to my feet, I beckoned Mo Lian Tan who peeled himself from off the wall and was standing before us. Of course, he overheard their conversation and visibly yearned to comfort me as my brother did but happy he was there.

Li Wei, being the brother he was, sized the man who he's recognized before. "This is a...friend of mine and he knows the city better than anyone here. He will be able to get you, Gho, Jiang Xue, and Wanue out the city tonight before anyone will notice you're gone."

He took a second to gather the change of plans which has limited time to prepare, yet none of them involved me. "You're speaking as if you're not coming along?" My silence answered his question, followed by a disappointing sigh. "Peizhi, you better not. Come with me and stay on land I plan on buying far from here. I want to build our family together again — take Jiei from home for good. I have been saving quite a lot and it's enough to be comfortable with for a long while. I just need you, my dear beautiful sister, to join me."

"Someone needs to stay behind and buy time."

He stepped forward. "Then let me — "

"No," I shot down immediately. "It has to be me. No one else but me."

Li Wei knew this wasn't a battle he could fight and understood why I was the best option to stay behind and distract Zian. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into an unbreakable hug. "Promise me you will run at the very chance you get. Don't be a hero as Niáng always said. It's okay to run, and this time, I need you to." Holding me tighter, "Promise me."

"I promise. I will be right behind you." I promised.

"I know you will because if you don't, I will come back for you."

There was much to think about. Much to prepare for. By now, Li Wei and his family should be packing their things for tonight's long and brutal trip as the night grew colder than day, but it's their only chance. And I will make sure they take it.

As soon as Li Wei left, I went to help Wanue pack her things. Though she wasn't too young to understand the world and often caught on faster than I did, I was hesitant to share the full story and told her a simple version of the truth. I promised to meet her wherever my brother will settle at once they're far from here and hugged her as tight as I could, making my own list of promises to her starting by being a better sister and teaching her ways my mother taught me before. I will make sure she lives a good life despite her differences and will be raised in a house of calm and peace.

"Are you going somewhere?" With a soft gasp, I pulled away from Wanue's warmth and the voice which startled me to Zian standing at the doorway of Wanue's room. His eyes instantly found her folded dresses and how clean and empty her room appeared.

I stood to my feet not expecting his presence so soon, filled with wrath at his face yet reminded of his comfort, yet my heart pounded with fear I couldn't shake.

As Zian further into the room, I calm myself to not make my emotions obvious noting how observant he can be at even the slightest adjustment. "Wanue wants to play outside in the snow one last time before we move back to Fortune of Youth Palace tomorrow."

Zian tilted his head with surprise. "You want to move back?" Stepping closer and not minding Wanue, I felt him grab my hand and pull me closer to him. "Is this a start with us moving forward?" He asked.

I could roll my eyes at how ridiculous he sounded to believe I would want to move forward from the pain I've experienced because of him, that which he caused, but it doesn't matter now. I need to buy my family time and with Zian here, I can make sure his mind is distracted while they're long gone.

Sticking to my character or rather more myself, I slipped away my hand and peered out the open door blowing its cool breeze against my flushed cheeks. "It's a start for me to move forward." I told him.

"I will take that."

Sending my last goodbyes to Wanue with only a comforting smile, I left her in her room to head back to my quarters because I knew Zian would follow me. And time was ticking so Mo Lian Tan would need to take her soon — the heat from his glare would be able to keep me warm through winter when I walked out with Zian at my side.

Yan Ran poured us a warm cup of tea which I held to thaw out my fingers. The burning sensation kept me grounded to earth and here with Zian who sat across from me.

"You must have heard what happened?" Zian began.

I had no idea what he was talking about since there were many thoughts on my mind and his words could be interpreted differently.

Smiling upon my confusion, "About Shūfēi Yiyi." There goes that look again; that scrutinizing look hidden behind his care for a casual conversation when he was truly interrogating me. Seeking out what knowledge he's suspecting out of me. "She hung herself. Her attendant discovered her this morning alongside a note apologizing for ripping our child from us. Her funeral was held today and though I should be in grieving, I wanted to be here with you." Which explains the white clothing. He came straight from her funeral ceremony here.

"That's unfortunate," I said, sipping my tea as usual.

"Yes," His eyes were at my neck then my hands when I lifted my gaze — the scratches. My neck was hidden well with fur but because I went to place down my cup, the fur exposed my neck. He knew. "Very. But enough about her, I want to catch up with you." Just like that, he changed the subject.

Now with a hunch of the truth, he decided to drop the conversation and carry on as if nothing happened. I can't tell by his concealed expression whether he's impressed by my actions not expecting me to act out of my usual character which only he knows of, or disappointed I've caused further problems for him. But I don't care. His problems were no longer a weight for me to carry.

But I do wonder...

How can a man born with a deceitful heart and soul craved for power close his eyes peacefully and appear as a man with so much love to give and content with his current time with me at the same time? There was once a time when I felt safe and secure. I'd listen to his words of wisdom, holding his every word dearly to my heart like a stung from a bee and admired his beautiful voice filling my stomach with instant butterflies. I'd wait for him to sleep and adore his angelic features and the calming sound of his breathing which now annoys me. So lonely I'd wait for his safe return to refill what I couldn't fill myself.

Does he not have any shame? To shower me with his affections and offer to stay the night. To lie next to me and sleep with much confidence, involved in his own world where I live by his grace but suffer the repercussion. I used to think Zian was different, that he was the only man in the world who understood me, and perhaps he did to an extent, but he's just like every man out there. The same. But nothing more or less but a human who can bleed and die as one too.

Sitting up from my restless position, the golden hairpin with two blue-eyed grass flowers tighten itself in the palm of my hand. The first wedding gift he bought me. A time where I was happy in the world he created, a time where my love for him began to blossom and nothing but simple thoughts and the role of being a good wife clouded my brain. It began with this gift and I wish it to end with it too.

Zian lay next to me on his back. His head faced from me with his long hair warming his exposed neck and his bare chest under the blanket we shared, no idea of the pointed side of my hairpin has risen above my head and aimed at his exposed skin. Trembling with fear, I closed my eyes and let my hand fall — I stopped just seconds from puncturing his skin. The wind could've woken him up, but he's still peacefully asleep.

I try again — I stopped.

I try again — I can't.

I try again — I can't do it!

I'm scared.

Because I can't see him as my enemy in his most peaceful and vulnerable state, I can't bring myself to hurt him no matter what he's done. I feel so pathetic. To be attached to a man I can't free myself from is the most pathetic feeling ever. While with reason, my brain kept manipulating my thoughts as though I wasn't in my right mind and should take a moment to rethink my actions, but I knew what I was doing. I want to kill him, and I should...but why can't I do it?

WHY CAN'T I KILL YOU?

Who are you to stop me from removing your claws deep within the wounds of my back you skinned yourself?

I WANT YOU DEAD!

But why are you using my love to paint the devil as a victim and I as the devil, deceitful of love you provided me?

I dropped the hairpin from my shaky fingers and rushed outside the second my tears blinded my vision. Unbothered by the whistling wind numbing my exposed skin on impact, the tight construction in my chest finally released, but even then, I still felt foolish. And a fool shouldn't gain the luxury of tears I brought onto myself. Crying silently in my hand when I wished to scream instead. Pulling at my tangled curls when I wished to break at something or harm myself to relieve the pain gnawing at my heart.

I am a coward.

A warm blanket was thrown over my shoulders which I hugged immediately to warm myself not caring who it was offering me the blanket and continued my tears until I recognized her boots.

Then her teasing voice broke to lighten the mood despite the cause of my breakdown. "I hope you're not planning to run away again. It took a lot to keep that mouth of Yan Ran's quiet for as long as I did. Please make my job easier." Zhao Ji chuckled lightly, though her eyes were filled with much concern.

My tears slowed already dry from the wind and swallowed down my dry, burning throat. I would smile if I wasn't hung on the fact that my closest friend and my mentor have been lying to me yet again. "Does Lienna know you're alright? Do you speak with her often?" I asked.

The question was unexpected since I have never brought Lienna's name up in a while, but Zhao Ji had no reason to feel liverish about the turn of conversation though it was not expected. "Yes, I send her a letter whenever I can. She knows that I'm fine." She replied.

"Do you love her?"

"I...do...yes."

"And you gave your life to protect me than to be at her side?"

She eyed me curiously before facing the snowy night. "Our path has led us to a different future which we both prepared for. But I know a day will come when I can be at her side again."

"You mean I got in the way of your happiness with Lienna?"

Zhao Ji furrowed her brows and chuckled breathlessly at my assumption. "No. I — "

"Had the original plan fell through and you left me to die at General Wang's hand in the place of my husband's who stole what got him here today, you would have been with her right now, would you? Holding her in this cold weather, safe and secure and reminded of the love which bonded you together." Zhao Ji staggered when facing her quiet expression unraveled with guilt, not even hiding the truth anymore as it was written on her face. "Answer me." I gritted.

"Peizhi, I — " She breathed. And for the first time in my entire time being with her, tears have coated her widen eyes. Still yet, she was handsome as ever. " — I am so sorry."

Bothered by her tears, I glanced away. "So I'm right?"

"You are."

"And you lied to me."

"I know."

My head snapped in her direction baffled at her response when she should be begging on her knees for her life. "Is that all you have to say?" I spat. "I'm sorry? You are? I know? That's it? You don't wish to beg for my forgiveness? You're not worried how this information came to me? Where is the fight?" When I pushed her she refused to push me back and stood in her silent tears. It angered me even more. "Why aren't you fighting me?" I shouted.

"There is none." She replied in almost a whisper. "Because I am guilty, I have no reason or right to fight my case. I know what I did and I won't deny my part or run from my faith anymore. I assumed I was protecting you from the truth, saving what image of the man you love...that I feared. Because are you my friend I thought — but I was wrong no matter the intentions. I hoped you would never found out so I may never face this very altercation and would've allowed you to live as you did. In the dark. I am sorry and if I can make up for my sins, thank you. If you have other plans with my life, I understand."

I wish she lied to me. I wish she said I was out of my mind to misjudge my husband's intentions and he has always been faithful to true to me. Something so that I wouldn't have to hate him as much, but she confirmed Geifei's stories — she confirmed everything. Zian married me to kill me off and they all knew about it. And while I was hurting before, it hurts again.

"I guess I should thank you for rightfully hating me in the beginning — for being an inconvenience in your life when everyone treated me as though I hadn't taken away from their happiness — your happiness." I laughed through my painful tears. "I tried to forgive you, to understand that maybe you had no clue. Just following his orders, but even then, I gave you an opportunity to come clean about everything so that we could create a clean slate and you chose to not do so. Had you come clean when I asked, I would've forgiven you. Offered you a chance to prove yourself. Yet, your silence has been my downfall of pain I could've resisted long before. It's true, that you are loyal and I admire that. But your loyalties will always lie with my husband. And while I enjoyed our friendship, I think your faith should be answered."

I'm not sure what happened afterward. Blinded by my anger while telling her off, a warm thick substance loaded my palm when the blade of her sword disappeared through her lower abdomen. I followed Zhao Ji's hands clenched around the impact of the blade then lifted her head — speechless but not surprised — before she planted her knees to the snow now stained with her blood. Groaning, her head dangled and her eyes fluttered.

She could've had me on my back and dead within seconds if she wanted to, but she instead chose to accept her faith.

I watched her face scrunch with pain as I pulled out the sword when I realized my action, only making her wound worse as blood poured like heavy rain. "Zhao Ji, I — " I failed to catch her weight in my arms, having no idea what to do as my mind went blank. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I-I — I should get help. No I-I-I — what do I do? What did I do?"

I went to apply pressure against the wound bleeding out of my control, but Zhao Ji removed my shaky hands so that she would bleed out. "What are you doing? Let me save you!" She fought against my services and grabbed my wrist when I stood to get help. Is she crazy? She will die if I don't get help and I don't want to lose her either. I don't know how I dismantled her sword or how it happened, it just did.

""Don't save me. I knew this day would come...and it fucking hurts...to be stabbed by your friend, it hurts. But I-I can suppress it. I'm tougher than you think." Despite her pain and her salty tears, she forced a bloody smile to convince me otherwise. That stupid smile which failed to coat her fear of death.  "This is my faith I deserve, so don't feel guilty. Just..." Blood spat between her lips. "Just...tell me something. Anything. Talk to me."

"You were a great friend, Zhao Ji." I managed to tell her while I had the chance to do so. She wanted to leave earth on a peaceful note so I smiled no matter how aching it hurts or how my cries choked up my tight lungs. I wanted to be strong. To be tough. But it's my fault, again. And I will lose a friend because of it. "Despite our beginning, you have been a good friend and mentor of mine. You were the hard truth I needed in my life and I have learned so much from you. I will always cherish our memories."

She was touched by my words and struggled to find my hand. I find hers instead and squeezed tightly. "Be happy, Peizhi." A whisper was barely heard. "With yourself...with him...don't love from afar anymore. Don't make my same mistakes — they're foolish. Look at me now." She chuckled but it was too painful to so, so she stopped.

"I-I will be happy. I promise."

Zhao Ji furrowed her brows. "You're crying?"

"And you're not?"

"You have always been a baby but I enjoyed watching you grow, though some things might never change." She said. Even in her dying state she chooses to pick on me. "When I find you in my next life, I promise to treat you better and fight a lot like we always do but I will cherish our friendship as I've always had." She trailed forcing air through her tight lungs now filled with blood choking her. Her fingers clamped around her throat, still managing a smile while beginning to find comfort with view of the sky.

I panicked, cradling her tighter as if it would expand her time. Then, her muscles relaxed, one last breath of air escaping her cold lips. And she was dead.

•••••••