•••••••

Again, the sticky, wet snow stuck to my cheeks as my face planted the ground. My teeth chattering, my palms almost numbed, the dry air filling my tiresome lungs when I found my dagger — the one Mo Lian Tan gifted — slipped between my fingers.

"I've spent longer between a woman's thighs than you've lasted on your feet, and let me tell you, I can last until my given breath. You've barely planted your feet on the ground before your mouth fills with snow. It's embarrassing. Get up,"

Agitated, tired to the bone, and sore from getting my ass kicked for days to possibly weeks or longer, I grabbed the dagger and stood to my feet. I should've seen her right hand rushing in to block my hit only to spin me around and somehow knock me off my feet, AGAIN. But I allowed my emotions to get in the way. Desperate to grow better than yesterday, and I must admit, I've never felt any stronger than I have over the last few weeks. My endurance has increased, my old weight has shredded, toning my muscles as close to the young girl I once was; my anger grew strong, placing it into physical activities to tire myself out, but my grief grew stronger. Yet, there were no more tears left to cry.

And keeping those who wished to share their condolences with me away helped a lot. I don't wish to face Li Wei nor Gho who has been pressing to visit me every day, and I don't wish to find Jiang Xue in Gho's arms within my home. Maybe I'm selfish, and though I wish nothing but happiness upon my family and their generation of children, my jealousy bit deep that I could taste the bitterness along my tongue. Wanue was just as painful, but she was one of the few distractions I enjoyed. A child whom I treated as my sister crossed the line of being my sister or being my adoptive child multiple times and I knew it was unhealthy. No child wishes to be deprived of attention, but distancing myself was needed.

Pushing my fallen hair out of my face, my agitation grew more apparent, biting the inside of my cheeks until blood saturates my tongue. Zhao Ji, unscathed, unbothered, full of energy, stood with her arms crossed waiting for me to come to her. And with no plan in mind, I rushed off my feet with the dagger at my side ready to strike. Zhao Ji, could practically yawn. Midway through my strike, she grabbed my wrist which held the dagger to dismantle it again, but I dropped the dagger to be caught in my other hand to 'jab' her. However please and caught off guard she was with my tactic knowing her hard work had paid off — snow numbed my cheeks, again.

My jaw clenched, melting the snow with my slow, heated breaths. I don't understand what's happening with me today. All this training day and night, barely any time to rest up or eat a proper meal since I've been fueled with a goal I'm desperate to achieve, just for it to be thrown out the window in less than two days. My movement was slower than ever. What's going on?

Gripping the snow between my red palms, my knees kissed the ground after attempting to stand. From the corner of my eyes, Yan Ran rushes over quickly. "Your Highness — " She stopped herself at my risen hand, anxiously biting her nails to keep from going against my command.

Despite my droopy head and staggering over my own footsteps, I stood again. Tall, brave with confidence and prepared myself for another battle. I want to win this time — I need to win this time.

Zhao Ji saw the issue before it registered and began picking up her things. "You need to rest," She pointed out. "That's enough for today."

Little by little, my desperateness grew. "No, I-I'm fine. I'm ready." Finding the dagger back in my hand, I followed behind Zhao Ji attempting to leave and place my care back into Yan Ran's, who couldn't wait to get me out of the snow. "Let's go again. Do you hear me? I want to go again!"

"You will be no use to me if you drop dead from exhaustion or frozen like ice. You're a decent fighter and you learn quickly; you've certainly got the spirit and you're improving rapidly, but no man nor woman can think properly if they're tired and starved. Take today and tomorrow off to rest. Stay warm, and stay healthy."

She walked away to find shelter and warm herself.

My anger got the best of me so I tossed the dagger to the ground and stomped a path back to my quarters where a warm tray of soup awaits my feasting. Slumped in my seat, I do drink the warm soup. Its heat warm down my throat and thawing out my fingertips and my flushed cheeks. I don't understand. If I'm improving, then why stop? Why is Zhao Ji limiting my skills when she said so herself that I've got spirit. And I have a lot more than spirit; I'm dedicated.

There's a long list of people waiting to meet their faith and I have the means to fulfill it.

My time doesn't wish to be wasted on daily self-care activities because it's the only time when I'm not busy, when all that pain of death and lonesome resurfaces and I began blaming myself, and I'm not in the mood to face my feelings. So, I forced myself to eat my plate clean. I forced myself to wash up. I forced myself to rest. I forced myself to relax. The longer I obey and keep everyone around me happy, the quicker I can get to where I want and need to be.

After some days of cooling off, Mo Lian Tan showed himself at my door. Wanue wished to show off her reading skills and I listened quietly though she knew my mind was elsewhere, just happy to spend time with me. And like everyone else, wanting to confirm I'm alright.

"Can I speak with you for a moment?" He asked while I was praising Wanue's skills.

I figured it had to be important if he's willing to state my attention before a trusty audience. Mo Lian Tan's the opposite of my brother who's asked for my presence every day at any time he's available to travel by; he's been with me for so long yet made no attempt to check on me. Never smothered me with agitating questions and silly requests. Never hovered over my shoulders as if I'd break or scream or cry or to make sure I finished my food. For the most part, his worrisome was apparent though he kept his distance and did the job that was asked of him. This was one of the few times he's come to speak with me from my memory now that my head has cleared.

But there are times when I close my eyes and I see a person holding my hand all throughout the night while I lay in bed, and I'd see his face. Whether a dream or reality, I knew he was with me in some way.

Knowing my answer, Yan Ran kneeled beside Wanue gently touching her back. "Shall we return back to your quarters and finish reading to me so we can come back later to show off your skills again?" She suggested.

"Okay," Wanue smiled.

When they left, I find myself on my feet suddenly nervous just standing before him. I had almost forgotten how it feels to have my heart pressed along my ribcage as this sick feeling waves my stomach. My sore hands clutched together. "We're alone, you can say what you need." I eased out.

He stepped forward running a hand through his growing hair, his eyes wandering. "I...I..." He stumbled. As I viewed him carefully, he seemed more nervous than I was, struggling to find his words. I'm more stunned at the tears swelling in his eyes. This wasn't the man I remembered. "I — I came because — "

His words were interrupted when I rushed off my feet to embrace him.

Nudging my head deep in his chest as his scent fills my nose, I hugged him tightly despite my aching muscles. And with my weight back to normal, my arms could reach around his slim waist and lap over my arm to transfer my comfort or share his faults of guilt for a situation he had no part of. Mo Lian Tan pulled me into his warmth almost immediately.

"I'm so sorry there was nothing I could do to save you from your worse nightmare. Had I done my job correctly I could've prevented that poison from entering your bloodstream and losing your child and almost your life." A chill down my back as his face nestled in the crook of my neck. "It haunts me to know that I was utterly useless — that I failed my duty to you. That there was nothing I could do but allow nature at its course. To see you on your deathbed fighting to live, not knowing when my last moment with you will be will forever scar my mind. Since you've awoken, I had been holding in my guilt to not burden you anymore than you are, but what can I say? I'm selfish and foolishly in love with a woman I can't claim. I just want to know if you're alright? If there's anything I can do to make you feel better, to lessen your weight or your pain — to use me to release your anger? I'm here for you. Whatever you need. And if you need more space to grieve in your own way or a listening ear, I can do that too."

Maybe it wasn't the time to think in such a way, but loving Mo Lian Tan more for saying words I wished to have heard out of Zian's mouth stung. Not only that, but gave me another reason to love this selfish man who's foolishly in love with a woman he can't claim — the sacrifices he's made for me alone while I gave him nothing but troubles and a broken heart in return. He must've been scared for his life knowing there was nothing he could do or prevent it.

I release myself from the hug first. "On your knees while I employ you a mission."

Without a word, he fell to his knees and awaited my command.

I smiled. "I wish for you to forever be selfish," He lifted his head, confused. "to be your authentic self because that is the man I fell for. In the future, I'll have to play a game the women here have started without me but I have the means to catch up and win. To do that, the woman you fell for won't be the same. I just need you on my side and by my side while I do what I need."

"There's nothing in the world that can change my feelings for you. I like you as you are. Every bit. And if that's my mission, I'll gladly accept it." Mo Lian Tan agreed with a nod of his head.

Prince Son, Shūfēi Yiyi's only son, was the least expected guest I'd expect to show up at my doors pleading to spare my time.

Although I had put a pause on outside guests from entering the threshold, how could I deny the presence of Shūfēi Yiyi's son? Just the sound of his name being said through Laoliu's lips sparked something within me, a glowering stare that scared Yan Ran to the point she had to remind me of his importance to the court — to my husband. To the country.

As if I needed a reminder, I'm perfectly fine. I'm perfectly stable. I'm...perfectly calm. I am fine.

I left my room dressed in my finest silk; my hair brushed thoroughly and styled in a braided look, all made up to cover my bruises and hide my pain. A beauty often hidden behind a thick layer of dull clothing easy to dirty while I get my ass kicked multiple times. Getting all dressed up and flaunting my beauty meant a lot to me no matter how I felt this very moment.

This was my first encounter with outside visitors in a very long time, and I can't dare allow the first person to witness me at my worse or give him or his attendant rumors to pass along and satisfy others who pray on my reign — as I've learned, people will believe what you show them. I just need to play the part.

If I smile, they won't win...right?

I continue to tell myself that before I become me in another me. "So, we meet again?" I said as I found Prince Son standing before me with eyes just like his mother's staring back at me and manners so alike it's triggering.

He greeted me with a short bow, a little longer than the first time we'd met. "Guìfēi Pearl, thank you for accepting my presence to speak before you. It means much." He smiled a cunning smile, just like his mother.

My thumbnail pinches the side of my index finger. He's important. He's a prince. He's not his mother, but he's not innocent. He's important. Like an enchanting melody, I chanted over a hundred times in my head before I smiled. It felt forced but it's better than nothing.

Yan Ran led me to my chair where I motioned to the empty seats before me. "Please sit, join me for a warm cup of tea since you've traveled far to see me today." I offered.

He and his attendant stuck at his side like a nail and wood were hesitant upon my façade. They weren't expecting me to be welcoming and rather prepared themselves for an emotionally unstable woman who throws a fit at every and anything, which fought to peel away but I held strong.

But deep down inside, I hated the view of his face. Standing there breathing, growing with stories of his childhood to share, no worries in his life as everything's easily catered to him. I want Shūfēi Yiyi to feel my pain. To know how it feels to lose a child and almost your own life too.

The wall between seeing him as important and not kept shifting. It wasn't until the warm steam of tea being poured brought me to reality, a supporting look from Mo Lian Tan standing near the door as he walked outside made me a little better but I was still fighting myself. Zhao Ji awaited the worse.

Prince Son took his seat comfortably. "I brought you a gift," He signaled his attendant while his tea's being poured to present the gift he had prepared for me, and just as before, he's eager to await my reaction that I don't give. "This scarf is made out of a fox's tail, the rarest snow fox with fur as white as the clouds. Have you know, I tracked and killed the fox myself and had my best workers on this. Perfect for the weather as the days grow colder."

"How sweet."

Yan Ran took the gift on my behalf and sets it on the nearest table. As if I'd ever wear that scarf around my neck though I love how soft a fox's tail felt along my fingers. He's not acting within his usual mysterious character and it's off-putting. Surely, he's not here for giggles and tea and he's wasting my time to discuss his mother or send his condolences.

While the altercation took place, Prince Son hasn't once touched his tea, staring at it as if I poisoned it or dug up a cup of dirt to offer. Does he have such low standards against me? I haven't done anything yet.

Smirking, the warm tea fits perfectly in my hands and took a light sip to prove nothing's wrong with it. "What's wrong? Is it too hot?" I asked, taunting him.

He's hesitant but knowing we were all now watching him and how his refusal would perceive, he held the cup in hand. "I allow my drinks to cool off before I drink them, but I can sacrifice today." Still unsure of his decision, he met my gaze after he took a warm sip.

Humming, "Why are you here? You must've come for a reason? Perhaps something I can grant or do for you?"

Remembering that reason precisely, the room grew shocked to witness Prince Son on his knees. Even I wasn't expecting the gesture but remained calm. "I, Prince Son, 2nd prince of my father's blood and son of Shūfēi Yiyi, came here to plead on my mother's behalf. I believe she has been wrongfully framed and is guilty. Please, reconsider the sentence."

My smile stiffened. Even while I knew what he came here for, him preceding through triggered something within me and I'm glad his head was down so he wouldn't witness that wall slowly tearing away. Guilty? Wrongfully framed?

"I-is she now?" My words stumbled over themselves. Yan Ran witnessed my internal fight, unsure what she could do but let it happen until I say something. "Do you have proof?"

He's quiet.

After a second, I regain myself and rise calmly down.

"I didn't think so. You can rise," Yan Ran at my side as I stood from my seat to meet Prince Son's height, awaiting my word. "I think it's touching you came here to plead on behalf of your mother and I expect nothing less, as a child can be hopeful their parents aren't anything outside of who they know them as. Easily blinded and convinced otherwise. But you should understand I almost lost my life to your mother with connections from a maid under my care and lost my child through it. If I could give her a greater punishment than confinement, then I would. Are you saying her punishment isn't justified?"

"No, I — " He thought quickly and carefully of his next words if there's even the slightest chance I'd give him what he wants, which there isn't. " — I am only saying that though my mother may not completely be guilty, she's not sloppy either. I know her and I know she would never risk her life foolishly or endanger my status and her own. There is no gain in harming your child."

"To my knowledge, you were next in line to become the Emperor had not my husband made his stance. Which could have been yours way before if your uncle wasn't comfortable with his position. A position my child could've acquire at any occasion based upon the court's decision, his birth rights, and the Empress's lack of sons." His gaze lowered to hide his guilt, surprised I've acquired the knowledge to know the rumors and history which goes around. "I do my research, Prince Son. And I know a mother would do anything for their child to excel, as would I."

"I only ask of you to reconsider your — "

"I don't wish to reconsider anything."

He inhaled softly. "Then if you cannot reason, I will gladly take her place and lessen her pain."

"Am I being unreasonable now? She's at home. I fail to see how painful being in a place where you sleep and eat can hurt when she's at comfort. Just alone."

Prince Son noticeably shut his eyes for a second, chewing the inside of his cheeks as if I were the one being irrational for a justified reason that wasn't justifiable enough if I had a say in the matter. He should be lucky he's still breathing because if I had it my way, if Yan Ran hadn't reminded me of his place, the second he stepped inside would've been the last.

A red tray slightly nudging my arm caught itself in my view. "A letter was sent for you, Your Highness." Laoliu stood next to me offering the tray. A sealed letter presented itself on familiar paper.

Still with my eyes on Prince Son, "Thank you." I took the letter.

I opened the letter. And gasped softly, almost silent.

GeiFei. Her name brought a thrill throughout my body, a fire that burned bright. It's been some time but I would never forget a face nor name and the timing is so perfect because in the end, there will be one less person to worry about.

Because tonight, GeiFei will not make it to sunrise.

A smirk filled my face before I remembered my surroundings and forgot Prince Son was waiting for me to speak first since everything he said never seemed right to say. "Since I'm feeling..." His eyes opened with hope. "Enlightened and you came all this way, perhaps I may pay a visit to your mother over the weeks and hear her side of the story. Will That please you then?"

His face lit up. "Yes! Thank you, Guìfēi Pearl. It pleases me very much."

Happy as ever I granted his wish, Prince Son left. And I grew more hopeful. I said I would visit Shūfēi Yiyi, but I will not hear her stories. My husband failed to do what he should've done despite everyone's complaints and If he can't protect me as he should, I shall protect myself. Though Prince Son seemed so wishful, I couldn't spare the details.

Maybe I'll have another to knock off the list tonight.

•••••••

We've been curious to what Zian's secret really is and what if I told you you'll finally know what it is next chapter? The what? Also out of many theories, there's 2 readers so far who's been really on nail about it. And another close but slightly different. I really thought they hacked in my phone or something💀 as for the ending...there has been some foreshadowing going on but who knows what will happen