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I found myself wandering through the Royal Gardens, the moon shining white along the lit lantern Yan Ran held at my side, navigating me through darkness. We weren't alone since Zhao Ji and a few of my maids lingered behind until they were told to stop at a certain point. Zhao Ji was the only one allowed to continue forward.

I have no idea why I came here though I do miss the fresh breeze of the lake whooshing about, but Yan Ran implanted the idea so I followed along.

"I was wondering when I would have a chance to get you alone." At his familiar voice, Yan Ran bowed in response and shuffled away to allow us space. Her teeth glisten in dark, grinning.

Even at his voice, no matter how I felt towards him and his sneaky actions behind my back, my body responded immediately I almost forgot everything. A smile couldn't help but tug my lips. "Were you expecting me?" Glancing over my shoulder, I meet his tall figure exposing himself through darkness as he made his way over to me.

"Maybe," His smile heard in his words. "I might have convinced your attendant to lure you here because I thought you would refuse my offer if I invited you instead."

Yan Ran apologized when I found her near the bushes Zhao Ji stood by.

"So you have a gift then? You couldn't have possibly come empty-handed have you?"

His brows rose teasingly. "Were you expecting something?"

"Yes."

"Who would've known you were that kind of woman after all? Could've saved much of my time and our many disagreements."

I missed the sound of Zian's laughter. The way his eyes sparkled, the way his shoulders danced lightly as he lifted back his head, exposing his bobbing adam's apple. I never found myself a funny person, but I would do it again just to hear his cheery laughter.

His shoulder brushed against mine as we peered out into the view, "But I have come bearing gifts. Something we have never done together that I believe you will enjoy. May I?" With his arm held out before me, he awaited my clutch before we are walking along the shore of the lake that has been lit with floating lanterns on lily pads.

I became curious of what Zian prepared for my birthday, and though I tried to put on a strong face and sulk in my feelings from earlier events, my excitement gradually sprouted faster than a growing seed in healthy water. It wasn't until we saw Zi Fan up ahead near a small docking area. The two eunuchs who were rushing along now stood by when warned of our arrival.

"Your Majesty and Guìfēi Pearl," Zi Fan greeted with a bow. The eunuchs followed in pursuit.

My eyes followed the brown rope held in the hands of one of the eunuchs, connected to a small boat big enough for two passengers and took a cautious step back. "Is this safe for me? For the baby?" I asked Zian. If I wasn't with child, I would've been thrilled to sail along the lake in a boat amongst the beautiful setting. But I must take precautions no matter how grave my desire outgrew my responsibility.

"I would never endanger your health and our child's — you will be safe. I have already ran it by with the Royal Physician and agreed a little time outside is good for your health." With both his hands stern on the boat's side, Zian got in with ease though the lingered eunuch and Zi Fan held the boat from rocking. He then faced me with his hand extended, his smile lighting the sky. "You can trust me if you're afraid."

If it's okay with the physician, then it's okay with me.

Wasting no time, I took his hand. "I do trust you, but I'm not afraid. The water is like my second home — as long as I respect it, it isn't to be feared."

In response, he smiled. With his help and Yan Ran's who rushed behind me as a safety precaution, I successfully got into the boat. It was rocky but there was a small stack of pillows and cushions on my side to keep me comfortable along the ride and adjusted one of the pillows against my back, watching our people grow smaller as we were pushed out into the lake.

I rest against the boat's edge as my fingers graze along the water catching my tips. It's cool but warm after a while. Zian failed to hide his cheery gaze burning my skin. It appears there's something on his mind, which is a perfect moment for a discussion while I'm trapped with no escape and sat up. "I didn't know you knew how to row a boat?" I was the first to speak up during our long silence.

"I learned when I was young though I need to brush up on my skills."

"You want me to trust you yet it's been years since you rowed a boat?"

"It's not a hard skill to forget especially for this size," He reassured. "Perhaps, after our child is born we can come back and I can teach you."

Without responding vocally, I nodded.

I often wondered if things will go back to how it was after this baby is born. Pinning problems of an inevitable situation to ease my frustrations that have been present long before most has happened. I know I shouldn't sulk in the past, on my birthday, but good days that were quiet and calm — for the most part — aren't memories that can be easily forgotten. Only remembered.

Brushing my fingers along the surface, the boat gradually begins to slow down. Zian stopped rowing and rest the paddles along his side. He wore the same expression as before — an important discussion he wishes to have with me. "Do you..." He trailed, which was unlike him but not unusual. "Do you still resent me for what I had to do for our country?"

His country. Not mines.

Of course, I still hate him for not finding a solution where it could be just us. And I hate that no matter how much it angers me, I must narrow down and smile while I still can. But what's done is already done, right? What more can I do to change a future that's been set?

"It's my birthday. Let's not sour the mood and discuss it another day."

While nodding his head, he as well agreed it wasn't a topic to bring up now but I knew he was desperate for an answer. Because I knew just like me, he missed the way it used to be.

We enjoyed the peaceful ride and talked about many subjects, a few we haven't talked about in a while. Slowly easing into our past, I'm reminded of the reason I first fell in love with Zian — he listens. Apart from being overly supportive, he allowed me the space of speaking whatever hits my mind first and dared not interrupt me.

Until —

My breath hitched as Zian leaned levelly before me, his warm breath blowing against my face and his familiar scent whiffed under my nose. My cheeks flushed warmly, a chill scorching down my spine as his finger softly follows along the curve of my ear. He was so close to me that I couldn't breathe though his focus was stuck on a matter on my face. "You missed a strand," he said in response to me pulling back my hair from the cool wind blowing through. "You are so beautiful Peizhi, and I do love you. More than anything as I will love our child unconditionally. If my actions force you to think otherwise, please forgive me. Please, offer me another chance."

My body chose to answer before my words and kissed him. His hand grips my neck to return my kiss immediately after response. Suddenly, I can't remember anything he's done to disrupt my trust, only feeling the first emotion I felt the first time his lips kissed mine — love.

Brushing his lips soft and delicately against mine, he pressed another kiss just at my nose. My forehead. My hair. My lips again, causing me to erupt with giggles. "I love you, Peizhi. I will do a better job at reminding you every day." He kissed me again.

"And I..." Something felt weird. My surroundings spiraled. But through the confusing motion, I smiled. "And I love — " I quickly turned to the nearest edge of the boat to relieve myself of puke.

Zian acted quickly, gathering my thick hair in his hands as I continued to throw up. "The boat's a bit rocky, I'm so sorry." He apologized, his hand rubbing along my back.

After pulling away to allow some fresh air through my lungs, the world stops spinning. "I'm sorry. I must've eaten too much." Embarrassment tinted in.

"You're pregnant, Peizhi. There's no such thing as eating too much. It's my fault for bringing you out here." He wiped the corner of my lips and washes his hand off in the lake. A concerned look blended behind his comforting smile. "How do you feel now? Do you need to throw up again?"

I don't know how to explain it. I feel good — amazing, in fact. Energized with a deep desire to kiss him again. If I hadn't thrown up. But at the same time, I felt like shit. The world's spinning, then it's not. I feel the need to throw up, but I don't. I felt really uncomfortable.

"Peizhi?" Zian called my name sternly.

I managed to smile again as if this wrenching gut feeling I felt wasn't screaming at me to listen. I knew if he was worried, it would worry me too. Taking his hand in mine, I squeezed it. Much weaker than before. "It's no one's fault. I love it and I love you, and it's a very kind gesture I'll remember forever. But, I think I should return back. I don't feel well when I'm exhausted."

I assumed he would analyze my tone and the use of poor expression, but he grabbed the paddles in hand and began to row back to land.

I went back to my quarters to rest after saying my goodbyes to Zian, but for some reason, I couldn't sleep. The window was open, yet no coolness of the air could be touched against my skin besides an uncomfortable chill rushing through my body. My hand clasped at my lower abdomen, pressing my fingers against the intensive wave of pain seized up my lower back and between my thighs. I fell back into bed, wailing in pain.

Something wasn't right. Not normal. I assumed it to be the birth of my child, but why are they coming early? Better yet, why is everything within me telling me it's something much worse. And I begin to panic as the room spun again and a massive headache filled my thoughts.

I inhaled quickly and stood to my feet to gather some help, yet the dewy feeling of dirt could be felt between my toes the second I stood from my bed, in my room. "W-what?" My gaze darted around my surroundings — I was outside standing in the garden. How did I get out here when I was just in my room? Was I sleepwalking?

My head was killing me and I couldn't make sense of anything.

"Your Highness?" A voice echoed but I was unsure if it was real or my imagination playing tricks so I ignored it and shoved my throbbing head into my hands. "Peizhi?" The cold touch of someone's hand whipped my head in their direction, afraid I was feeling things until Mo Lian Tan's figure doubled into one. It was him this time. He was real.

I shuffled back. "What happened? How did I end up here? I was just in my room seconds ago."

"You were wandering around, mumbling words I couldn't hear. Why are you — are you hot?" He pressed his cool hand against my forehead without warning and pulled back with a worried expression. "You're burning up. How long have you felt this way?"

"I-I don't know. Recently. I feel..." I swayed, and before I could touch the ground, Mo Lian Tan caught me in his arms. "Dizzy." Barely a whisper escaped.

He picked me up in his arms with ease and sat me down carefully against the steps of my quarters. When glancing up at him, he appeared as two and I forced my eyes shut to swallow down the churn choking itself up my throat. "I got you, I got you." He pushed back my hair sticking to my sweaty face, yet while touching my skin, I felt his hand tremble. A wet substance smeared my face. "What is this...oh god. Stay here, I will fetch the physician immediately."

"No. No, don't leave me." I went to grab his hand from leaving me until I saw the red on his hand. The same copy amongst my fingers and followed where it was coming from. My heart clung in my throat as my fingers touched lightly against the blood running down my legs. Thick tears coated my eyes. "What — what is this? Why am I bleeding? Is this normal? Why — " My tears have thickened to a substance that has blinded me from seeing. A metallic taste tickled my lips.

"I won't leave you, but you need help! The blood in your eyes is an act of poison and I can't heal you. I'm utterly useless. And if we waste any more time — I-I won't lose you. I can't lose you."

A coolness of air breezes between us, the only coldness I felt before I knew Mo Lian Tan had run off for help. Though I was told to stay sitting up, I couldn't help but find comfort against the cold stairs. Too weak to lift a muscle, too scared to stay put, panicked this will be the last night I live and hadn't done anything else but sacrificed myself for others. Even if I cry, I'm sure nothing would come out. My throat felt tight like I couldn't breathe like something thick besides vomit was pushing up. Foaming up. The last I could hear was a scream before I found darkness.

••••••••

<3 this is my heart for you :)