••••••••

I failed to convince Zian of discontinuing Jingfei's wedding with the well-known and respected commander. He was set on this marriage and the benefits it will bring out of it and personally made sure the wedding went through without any interruptions, and sent his sister off as a new woman in the world. Luckily, with her husband's help still needed in the palace, Jingfei was able to remain in the city but in a palace Zian gifted them during their stay.

But soon after her wedding was over, the day everyone had been anticipating and the day I had been dreading to not come, arrived with just a blink of the eye — The Royal Wedding. A wedding between an Emperor and his Empress to be was one of the biggest events to be held in the country right under Lunar Year and many holidays and celebrations to come. A wedding that will bring together two nations for the better of the future and end an ongoing war to focus on an even bigger one across the sea.

As I had been informed repeatedly, leaned against the open window with my cheek full in my palm as I watch the laborers tidy up my palace or greet me when I have been sensed. Between the baby's kicking and the chatters of eunuchs and maids dressed in their best gowns and robes and the endless preparations for the wedding, and knowing Zian has been performing multiple private pre-rituals alongside Princess Fan Xing, I hadn't been able to sleep.

After my last argument with Zian, he gave me the space I wanted and only came to visit every once in a while to check up on me and the baby. But even then, traces of the argument lingered. There was this unspoken mist between us that was apparent but we chose to ignore it. There's no point in fighting with someone who won't listen or fighting for happiness within the choice of my will that was given to me as a promise since promises were often broken, and obviously meant nothing. All I can do is survive and as before, and find happiness of my own. Within my own space.

My gaze fell upon Mo Lian Tan who offered his help to a maid struggling to carry two buckets of filled water. He was on standby near my quarters while Zhao Ji was out handling a personal matter until he followed the trail of water and ran to her rescue.

"What is this?" I questioned the night Mo Lian Tan came to visit me as I sat outside to enjoy the night view of the sky. The only time I can be alone. Another sleepless night, my eyes widened on the glint of a dagger he was now handing me. "What do you want me to do with this?"

"Use it when you need to — when you have to." When I was hesitant to take the dagger from him, a soft gasp escaped my lips as he took my hand in his. Placing the handle of the dagger in my palm while his fingers held the tip and his other hand warm under mines. "I know you don't feel safe being here and I hear of the rumors that go around. There is only so much that I can do. But if there is ever a day, a moment, even a second, where I or Zhao Ji can't reach you in time, you will have to protect yourself without us."

"You trust me with this?"

His eyes draped down my face, slowly. "I trust what you can do with it," His curled smile sent a chill down my spine. "Just don't use it against me. I have to live until I am old, remember?"

His smile found my lips like a virus. "I will think about it." A frown followed right after his hands left mine cold and stood far from me, like he was afraid of me or afraid his actions would be misinterpreted. "Do you hate me?" The question was soft, almost silent but I knew he heard me.

"No," He answered truthfully. "I could never hate you."

I'm surprised at the smile that has reached his lips when he caught my stalking stare out the window. The buckets dripping water all over the place and sent me a sheepish grin. His actions snuck a chuckle from my lips before I remembered who I was and who he is and stopped — but it was the same in my eyes.

"Your Highness," I pulled away from the window toward Yan Ran rushing in with many of my maids carrying an altered purple and pink gown for me to wear for the wedding that is set for today and the many rituals I was allowed to attend. "You have been at this window since the break of dawn and continue to shoot away anyone who's trying to get you dressed. We can't be late for the wedding and if you don't show up, it will only look bad on your part."

I sighed.

Of course, it would.

While sighing, I removed myself from the window entirely and allowed my maids to help me dress for today's wedding. "I can feel this will be a long day." I stepped carefully out of my current dress with the help of Yan Ran while the other maids are pulling up the new gown and tying the fabric as tight as it can go until I tell them to stop.

"It will be a long day, Your Highness. But there will be many ceremonies you might enjoy, some you will experience for the first time. And as always, you have the perfect excuse to leave early from most of them, but your attendance is needed."

She motioned to my pregnant belly before she and Yu Xiu, Shūfēi Yiyi's spy, led me to the dresser, combing my thick hair thoroughly from the ends and working their way up. Zhao Ji hasn't reported back any new activities on Yu Xiu's beside the same old, and as always, she moved quietly but was always listening.

"Am I truly needed?" I asked. "It's not even my wedding."

"As Guìfēi, you are. The simple girl you were, you are no more."

Right. I must have forgotten who I was while being away from the world — who Zian made me as with only a few words described as the royal decree. I have lived my old life for far too long that I was now reminded, the simple girl from before, living on my family's farm with nothing but simple thoughts in my simple mind in my simple life, was no more. I'm a Noble Consort married to the Emperor of the nation while pregnant with his child. My life will never belong to me and I need to come forward with the truth and stop fighting it.

Yan Ran must've sensed my offense through my long silence and dropped to her knees within seconds. "Your Highness, I apologize for offending you. I deserve any punishment you give me." She bowed her head below my feet.

"I'm not offended, stand up."

I would've helped her to her feet, but I could barely bend without this extra weight taking a toll on my back. She swiftly stood and continued to comb my hair. If Yao Xiu wasn't present, I would've said more on the topic but kept my lips shut and allowed them to do their jobs.

Her robe of intricate designs that took months in advance to complete sprawled along the red carpet held in the hands of two maids. Before her and after, carried maids and eunuchs holding long red lanterns, tall sticks of dangling strings, and large embroidered paddles also as identical to a fan. A face as white as snow. Lips red like blood. Her hair tall as a tower. There was no memory of her old self, but only the future of this country she has now entered.

Once she was about five feet away from Zian who wore the exact same robe as she did with all of his long hair tied up within the crown he wore, the maids and eunuchs who accompanied Princess Fan Xing down the carpet stood behind the line far from the carpet, revealing her to Zian. They were too far from me to witness their expressions since we stood at the top of the staircase peering down under the shaded red tent. Guards were stationed 2 feet apart. Noble officials dressed in their identified robes were stationed down the level of stairs. Consorts within Zian's harem, including me at the highest. And Défēi Wang Xu who stood awfully near to chat through the whole event. And The Empress Dowager who sat in her own chair with a cheerful look on her old face.

From high up, we watched them meet face-to-face, a small smile could be shared between them before a loud voice as powerful as a lion shouted at the top of his lungs. "Approach the hall!" His voice echoed across the open land.

Faced toward us, they took their first unified step.

Their first step into their future together.

I watched in bitterness as they continued up the steps together, Défēi Wang Xu still distracting me with comments of her own. It was too late to stop what was never going to be prevented, but there was this nulling feeling in my chest suppressing my lungs tight and clenched my teeth deep into my cheek. Our ceremony was short and simple. I had no maids helping me dress but my mother and little Fen. No traditions to follow but simple wedding bows. No matching robes with my husband that took months in advance to make but a dress my mother saved for me. And while I will cherish our wedding, no sane woman could stand here in my place and not wish the same for themselves.

Zian met my contact on the way up the stairs toward the platform, a look of comfort and support he wished to receive. I thought I could smile and send him my support since that was all I could do, but my body responded differently. Instead, my gaze narrowed to the ground that my belly hasn't covered.

"Drink from the nuptial wine together!" The same voice instructed.

At the word, a eunuch bows before their feet offering two cups filled with wine on a tray. They turned to each other, took the cup in hand and drunk the wine in the same beat. Once every drop of wine has gone down their throats, they placed the empty cup back on the tray and stood facing each other.

"On this auspicious day, we gather together the Emperor, Son of the Rising Dragon, the chosen leader, watched for eternity by the protection of the heavens. And the 4th Princess of Zhendao, Princess Fan Xing. May the wedded couple begin the ceremony!"

They turned toward the open space of the land, knowing what was needed of them. My heart bracing itself for a future I can't change.

"First bow to Heaven and Earth as they share this joy with you."

They bowed. Princess Fan Xing's head lower than Zian's.

"Second bow to parents."

They turned towards The Empress Dowager in her chair, graciously being fanned lightly with the help of her maids. Queen MeiYin stood near with a smile so big it could sore her cheeks.

They bowed. Princess Fan Xing's head lower than Zian's.

"Third bow to the officials from within and outside the empire."

They turned outwards from each other towards the officials and where I stood along with the other consorts. Zian never left my gaze the moment he found them and as he bowed and after when he stood, he continued to search for my support, for my approval, for the love we shared with each other. I could feel Yan Ran smiling up at me, pleased I will always have his eyes on me no matter the predicament. And I was glad too. But it was sometimes a curse or a blessing. I just haven't figured out which was which.

"Fourth bow to each other as a united husband and wife."

Wishing to linger his attention on me a bit longer, Zian's forced to face his wife, his Empress, his future, and bowed. Together, in one, the last bow they perform for each other seals their marriage into one. They were now husband and wife. A blushing smile has painted her lips, colored her cheeks red, sparkles in her eyes as she viewed her husband, her Emperor, her future. Zian shared her smile.

"After bowing to each other, the ceremony has been completed and shall be recorded. We now introduce His Majesty and his Empress, Empress Xiuying." Queen MeiYin clasped her hands in glee as everyone has now that they have an Empress and the marriage that has been set for years was finally completed. "This wedding has been a great blessing with such nobility and virtue. And we will respectfully wish you a long life to enjoy ten thousand years of glorious reign."

All who as witnessed the wedding before their eyes bowed upon request to give our respects and  to acknowledge their position in power and to the crown. "An eternal prosperity you shall have." The voices of everyone mixed together.

皇后秀英*

He gave her the name of an elegant flower, a beautiful woman who is brave and gentle like petals who always bloom in a room full of people watching her.

"What happens next?" Though I had a feeling, I turned my focus to Yan Ran who has been keeping me up with the rituals. A kick from the baby grazed my hand.

She narrowed her gaze to the floor. "I'm afraid you will not like to hear — "

"He will claim her as his wife in a much private setting," Défēi Wang Xu overheard our conversation and decided to answer my question, taking no hints and holding no filter. "There will be a banquet held for the wedded couple and the maids will lead her to the chamber. His Majesty will follow behind and consummate their marriage to complete their bond, unless he wishes it to be over with and skips the banquet, straight to the chambers." Judging by her tone, Défēi Wang Xu assumed I would find humor in the situation to lighten the mood that has worsened.

I chewed hard on my inner cheek. "Thanks." I gritted out, a metallic texture coats my tongue.

"Oh, of course! And now that you will be staying in the city, we must find some time to catch up. I have more gifts to deliver made just for the baby and many techniques I have been taught to help with an easy delivery."

Sensing my annoyance, Yan Ran answered for me. "Her Highness will have to find some time during her schedule as it is her duty to focus on her health and his majesty's child, but she is pleased to know you have thought of her. Now if you excuse us, she will have to retire." She took hold of my held-out arm to guide me back to my quarters. Défēi Wang Xu excused my leave with a bow and a soft 'I understand'

I rest my cheek into my hand as I stared out the window — again — to distract myself from imagining their moans of pleasure in each other's ears while the consummation of their marriage continued this very second. I tried to think of other things like how I plan to decorate my child's room and if I'd rather they sleep with me than have their own room. Growing up, I shared a room with my siblings and most times my parents so it felt odd to not have my child under my watch 24/7. Perhaps they stay with me a bit longer until I trust they can sleep by themselves in their own room. In 4/6 years. If I can make it that long.

"There you are, still gawking out the window like a wolf hunting its prey." At the voice interrupting the silent air, I jumped back with a loud gasp. Only to see it was Mo Lian Tan and backed down. "Sorry. I probably should have stomped harder to warn you of my arrival before speaking."

"Have you been watching me this whole time?" I asked. There was no surprise by how natural our interactions appeared. No matter how long we chose to ignore each other and go on about our day, it was easy to see past our problems and pretend as if nothing happened.

He smiled. "Patrolling, in fact." He corrected me, though he didn't seem to hide my allegation. "It's quiet on this side of the city since most of everyone is out celebrating, which makes you highly vulnerable. But with me here, you can sleep soundlessly or...continue to gawk."

I rolled my eyes. "I will."

I watched him take his leave.

I almost forgot how irritably annoying Mo Lian Tan was until I remembered how much I missed it. And how dangerously I miss the warmth of his lips pressed against mine, just as much as I miss the way our relationship was before this title and my affiliation with the crown ruined it all.

I smacked my head lightly to smack some sense into myself after pulling away from the window and sat on my bed. I must be a fool to think that way, to reminisce in such feelings that were doomed before they evolved. It must be my hormones getting the best of me while I sit alone with nothing but my thoughts to keep me comfort. I am a fool. But a fool can't forget who was there for me in my darkest days when I needed Zian to play the role of my husband than a ruler. A fool for someone who made himself available whenever I didn't need him.

Zhao Ji was very clear with her words; I must love him from afar. And while she was gone, I need to keep myself out of trouble and chained to my bed.

...but what if I don't want to anymore?

What if I want to indulge in whatever is it we have and love him closer within my reach? Does that make me a bad person for wanting something myself? Either it's because of the lack of attention I've been receiving on Zian's part that I can easily get from Mo Lian Tan, or because of my hormones acting in the moment, I can't ignore the ache in my heart that misses him the longer I force myself to go on about my day as if nothing happened — because something did happen. And though he might not give me the security I need that Zian can provide, he can give me the only thing I've always wanted — simple love.

Since the moment I was born, I have been a magnet for danger, so what harm is there to feed into one of my choice?

My heart was thudding in my ears, heightened by heedless emotions forcing me to make my decision now. But why should I choose when I know what I want? Sometimes hesitation is a sign that you should listen to yourself and retreat before it is too late, but sometimes it's a sign that is testing your true desires for what you truly want, Li Wei once said. There is no way to know for sure which is which until you do what your heart desires and deal with the consequences later.

And I will have to do just that.

"Mo Lian Tan," I rushed out my quarters quietly to not awaken or bring any attention to anyone near and followed in the direction he went. Wandering idly through darkness, I caught sight of his black attire, his backside turning a corner near the kitchens. I rushed to meet him while holding my round belly. "Mo Lian T — " a soft gasp escaped my lips when he was right at the corner, the glint of his sword shining for merely a second before its sharpness has pressed against my neck. "Woah, It's me!"

He removed the sword from my neck within seconds and placed it safely into his saber. "Are you crazy, Huang — Your Highness? I could have sliced your head off clean." He checked to make sure his sword hadn't nicked my skin, it didn't. He sighed with relief. "Don't ever follow anyone with a sword at night — me especially, because I might not hesitate again. Why are you out here and not hunting your prey out the window? It's chilly."

"My name isn't Huang Fei, it's Jiang Peizhi." I admitted. "Huang Fei was merely a cover-up I used when hiding from General Wang."

While nodding slowly, "I had a sense of the truth a while ago but it wasn't my place to ask. But why are you telling me this now? Are you thinking of a new name to take?"

"Because I want to be honest with you. Because I — I want to..." I hadn't realized how close I was standing to him, carefully breathing him in. Though my belly was preventing a closer distance, it didn't stop me from pressing my lips against his without warning.

Instead of feeding into my kiss as I wished he had, Mo Lian Tan pulled away anxiously checking our surroundings. "Is this safe?" Concern written in his eyes as he asked me.

"No, it's not. But I don't care." I go in to kiss him, frowning when he pulled away and took my arm instead, leading me into a secluded room from viewing eyes. I leaned against the door as he lit a melted candle to light the room dimly. "Are you finally playing hard to get? Very unlike you." I smirked.

"You can't keep kissing me and leading me on to tell me off. I have feelings too as much as I am a man — I feel too. So which is it? Tell me, what do you clearly want?"

My smile faltered as my arms removed themselves from my chest. I knew exactly what I wanted which is why I came here, yet my doubts are being questioned. But for good reasons too. "I'm confused and it's your fault!" I accused.

"My fault?" He pointed at himself in disbelief. "What have I done now that it's my fault? You drew a line, I stayed on my side. I'm doing my job to protect you with my life as I swore on my knees I would, as I reassured you I would on that night, and yet you are finding reason to fault me for your decision?"

"Stop being there for me."

He leaned back with his lips slightly parted, not expecting nor prepared for the reply I gave him. A softer look in his brown eyes, "W-what?" Though he heard me the first time, he questioned my response.

"You keep being there for me even when I don't need you — when I expect that I don't, until I realize that I do and it's confusing me. I wasn't honest with my feelings before because I'm scared. I don't want to give my heart to someone while knowing our future will have no happy ending while I am already married to the Emperor and I carry his child, but my heart is a complex organism and I can't control where it follows. I can only trust it knows what it's doing and deal with the consequences later."

Few of Zhao Ji's words found my lips.

"So," He stepped forward while cocking his head down at me, practically whispering against my flustered cheeks. "What are you saying?"

Of course, he would want to verbally hear my response. He was edging for it.

"I want to love you within distance." I found his hand and tightened my grip. "But I can't deny my love for my husband despite everything he has put me through. And I can't deny the love that I have for you as well. If only you can bear the sins I've committed before professing myself to you...I hope you wish the same."

My cheek filled his warm hand as he lifted my head to meet his soft gaze. Fire burned beneath his touch, trailing his thumb across my bottom lip. And I closed my eyes lusting for his lips against mine, yet it doesn't come and frowned when he has pulled away from me. "Do you remember that conversation I have been wanting to have with you? We need to have it now."

••••••

皇后秀英 [ Huáng Hòu Xiù Yīng ] — Empress Xiuying

Said I was doing  a double update—April Fools LMAOOO. No but the chap is being edited. About to be hated again 💀

Also updates won't be as long as it took for this chapter to come out. Was in a small writersblock with the wedding scene whether I make it longer or shorter, detailed asf or not, what to do, then I remembered 'is it really that important to Peizhi's pov when she doesn't even care for it?' and got through it so yay!