•••••••

I brushed my finger along his soft, chubby cheeks. Down his little arm, excited to get his hands onto something new, preferably my dress, and then curled through his little hair before I retraced back my hand. Clutched tight in his hands as Gho and I enjoyed the cool sky under the shade of the backyard within my palace. Wanue wasn't too far from us as she went for a swim in the lake despite the cool shift in the air. I wish I could join her myself but with all this extra weight I wasn't used to, my lower back ached. So I chose to watch her from afar.

Gho's dry gasp forced me to peel my gaze from Wanue, following her panicked being launched toward Jiang Xue forcing his grip on my dress into his mouth. "Oh goodness no," She wrapped her hands under his armpits and pulled him away. However, his grip tighten, tugging my dress with him as Gho continued to pull him away. She then tried to release his fingers, but nothing would work. She was too weak and he was way too strong for his age. "I'm sorry, Peizhi. He has such a strong grip I can't get him off. I hope he didn't mess up your dress, and if he did, I-I can pay for it. I will pay for it as soon as I can."

I stood from my position when I noticed her panicky character and rest my hand along hers to stop her from doing so. I could tell she was shaken up about something and it was bothering me too. "Gho, it's okay. He is only a child and I could care less about this one. Why are you acting like I will punish you for something so little? Are you alright? Speak to me."

After a moment of reassurance, she then lets go from pulling off Jiang Xue who has now found interest in something else. She rubbed her stressful hand down her tan face while releasing a long sigh. "I don't know. It must be the title, your higher rank that I sometimes forget you're still Peizhi; You're still my sister." She explained. "I'm not used to this lifestyle and I'm afraid if I make one mistake, Li Wei will have to pay for my sins and lose his position because of me."

"I am still me, Gho. Beneath this title and all this expensive wear, I am still your sister who brushed your hair every night, who rubbed your belly when it was too full, who tagged you along with my heroic acts. I'm still me and nothing will change that."

I don't know where she's gotten this mindset from, but I can't blame her for the same fear I also have when it comes to Zian. A fear I never want to happen again, nor can I live with the consequences if it was to happen again. But this was far different from the Gho I knew and it worried me.

"And you always will be," Her small smile faded slightly. "But you've changed."

My hand retraced back at my side, narrowing my gaze to Jiang Xue tugging along the fabric of my dress again. His joyful squeals rang in our ears. Have I changed? I sat there bothered by her statement, which was true, but hearing the truth from family always meant another thing than when hearing it from someone you barely know. Did she mean it in a good or bad way? Of course, I changed. I had to change since the world I want to live in didn't cater to my views, and if I want to survive long enough to see my child married to someone whom they love, changing was imperative.

"After you left, we never heard from you for months. It was almost as if you fell off the edge of earth...but then we heard about General Wang," My eyes flickered to hers immediately at his name leaving her pink lips, a name I never wish to paint either of my family's tongue. "And we heard about what you did to him, and your banishment. Peizhi — "

"Did she know?" The words somehow found themselves out of me. Shaky, almost broken into a soft whisper.

I needed to know what my mother heard about me, what she felt in the moment, the look on her face when she heard the daughter she wished so well for has brought shame onto our family and that I wasn't as pure as she made me to be. I needed to know.

"Of course she did, we all knew. It was only a matter of time before the news had reached us. But when we heard, we were not only devastated but we were terrified for you. You injured a war general, heavens know what had happened to you the second you left home. You should know Mother was the first to forgive you along with Li Wei. She wished to make amends to the Xiaomeng household for your doings in exchange they talk to General Wang and allow you to come back home."

"She...fought for me...despite what I've done?" My voice soft, close to breaking.

"It didn't work out as she planned. When she came home, she was more stressed than before she left. All she could do — that we could do — was wait to hear from you. But over time, we didn't.  We didn't know what was to come of you. But there was still hope you'd let us know that you're okay, Niáng was the most hopeful until the end."

I could feel the tears blinding my vision as heat rose amongst my cheeks. I told myself I would not cry for a long time because I knew when I did, I wouldn't be able to stop and then I'll be right where I was before — stuck. But I can't hold it in this time. It was only a matter of seconds before I broke out in tears and worry those who I had been fooling.

I find Yan Ran's gaze who rushed to my side to help me out my seat. She must've seen what was to come of me if I don't get away quickly. "Excuse me," My emotions thick in my tone.

Gho stood up as I did, "Peizhi, I-I just wanted you to know of this. I didn't mean to hit a sore spot, I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad at you, Gho." And I wasn't, but I don't need her to worry so I smiled though it pained me to do so. "I'm thankful you told me. I just need a moment to myself, will you watch Wanue for a bit? I will be right back, I promise."

She frowned. "Of course,"

Without a word, already understanding the predicament, Yan Ran followed behind me silently. I rushed to find a place more secluded to where I could release this tight constriction in my chest. My hand rubbed along my heart beating between my fingers, my tears failing to wait until I have found a corner no one passed and fell to my knees and cried.

"Your Highness," Yan Ran fell to her knees to catch me, only to fail and brought herself down with me. She adjusted her position to support mines.

I thought I was better. I thought I moved on. I thought I had cleared out all the negative thoughts and brought forth positivity, but who was I kidding? I haven't been better since then and the person I wished to share my pain with has been occupied with saving the damn country from a century-old war and flattering his future Empress. Their deaths have taken such a toll in my life that it would be unnatural for me to go a day without shedding a tear or dulling the mood with my sulky feelings.

"Are you alright? Should I call for the Royal Physician?" Mo Lian Tan stood hovered over my crotched figure. I didn't have to look up to know it was him when I could easily detect his voice in a crowd of hundreds. His shadow was at my feet as I was wiping my tears.

And the other I wished to share my pain with, I must distance myself for the sake of all of our futures. But with him here and his concern for my health almost had me spilling myself out to him.

"No," Wiping away my tears, I then pushed back my hair as I met his cocked head peering down at me. Have I worried him as I worried Yan Ran? "I'm fine."

Yan Ran made a pouty face. "Your Highness, with the amount of tears I've wiped, I could water a forest for years. You are still grieving and you fail to hide it, but you shouldn't have to be alone. Shall I send for His Majesty?"

My gaze shifted to Mo Lian Tan who narrowed his gaze from mines, back to Yan Ran waiting patiently for an answer to give her. I shook my head. While Zian has made time for me whenever I needed him, at the same time, he still didn't have much time to spare as he was the Emperor and I wasn't the only who needed him; a whole country does. And because of that, I can't just send for him at every possible moment when I don't feel like myself, not even while I continue to grieve. And I hated that. "I said I'm fine," I told her more sternly and she backed down from pestering me of the thought. "I just needed a moment to myself, and now I've had it. I should get back to my sister, I know either one of them will be worried if I'm not back soon."

Either of them could see through my lies, but none of them were in the position to point them out. But of course, that wouldn't stop either of them from doing so especially Mo Lian Tan...if we were speaking as we used to. We only acknowledge one another when we come into eye-point view, maybe a short word or two, but that was it. It drove me insane because I'm not used to our relationship being as this even if it was for the better, I hated it.

After a few more deep breaths, I begin to stand to my feet. "Help me up, please."

Not only did Yan Ran help, but Mo Lian Tan took hold of my arm when he saw we were struggling. Yan Ran thought nothing of his help, but my thoughts were ramping. His grip tightened on my arm, stern on his legs as he lifted me with ease as opposed to Yan Ran who struggled a bit. He was much closer when I stood straight. Yan Ran stood awkwardly pulled into this mess and was looking between us two, swallowing hard against her throat and confused about what was going on. I didn't realize his hand had fallen from my arm down to my wrist close to my palm — he was comforting me. Trying to, at least.

I cleared my throat and stepped away from him as I slipped my hand from his. "Thanks," I avoided his gaze which found Zhao Ji exiting from a corner where I just left from being with my family. I panicked.

Mo Lian Tan followed my gaze to Zhao Ji, but when I looked back to him trying to figure out what I should do, he was already gone. I watched him walk away from me until Zhao Ji has filled my view. She paid no mind to him and was more focused on my flustered cheeks and dried tears.

"I'm okay," I reassured her before she asked herself.

Just like everyone else, she didn't believe me, but she had no choice but to. I was going to ask why she was here with me and not with Wanue and Gho, but given the stern expression she wore told me something was up. "I need to speak with you for a moment," Shifting her eyes to Yan Ran with her head cocked slightly, "Alone." She sent her a still smile.

Yan Ran looked at me. I gave a nod, permitting her to leave us.

When she left, I stepped forward though I didn't have to since Zhao Ji was standing right in front of me,  so I stepped back and leaned in. "What is it now?" I asked, itching to know the details of the conversation Zhao Ji wants to have.

"There is a rumor going around and you're in the center of it."

My thoughts traced back to the kiss I shared with Mo Lian Tan, and rather than worry for myself, I began to worry for him. I shouldn't have been so careless that night and fed into something I knew I couldn't have! Anyone could have witnessed this act around the same time Zhao Ji had, and anyone could have heard our conversation outside of my quarters. I grew nervous. More terrified than anything because even if Zian finds out, I am still his wife and I am still carrying his child which meant I have more than enough insurance to guarantee my life. But Mo Lian Tan doesn't.

On my toes, I peered over Zhao Ji's shoulder searching for the backside of his figure. He should be warned of this rumor, and if there's still time, he needs to get out of this city as fast as he can.

But my view of everything else was blocked by Zhao Ji standing in my way. She as well followed my gaze before putting together the pieces, a soft smile curling her lips. "You haven't even heard of the details yet, you are already worried for someone who has no connection to this rumor?" She placed both her hands on my shoulders pushing me flat on my feet.

I begin to relax hearing he was safe — we both were safe. For now.

I rolled my eyes. "I have a lot to be worried about and you know that."

She did which is why she stopped stalling and continued on with more details. "The maids around have conjured thoughts of their owns now that 4th Princess of Zhendao has arrived, thoughts that are now reaching the ears of the consorts and perhaps the princess and possibly His Majesty himself." She began.

"Like what?"

"Your child," My arms wrapped around my belly in a protective manner. "They believe its shameful for a consort who is not the Empress, despite being favored, to be pregnant before the future Empress of the country. That if the sex of your child is male, then the future Empress has already failed her duties."

It took a moment for me to understand the rumor that was being told, but no matter how many times I tried to switch up the words there was still a part of me that was confused. "I...I don't know if that's a good thing or bad?" I asked.

"Both," Zhao Ji confirmed. "You have an advantage that she doesn't — you're pregnant. And if you give His Majesty a son, it is true that he will have a lot more opportunities ahead of the future Empress's sons. Sometimes, they could be given the title of the Crown Prince under certain circumstances. But it also means you aren't safe either. From her or anyone else, because while you continue to be pregnant, you will only be seen as a threat and an easy target. And given the history of past Harem's, a mother will do what needs to be done to ensure her child's future. My only question is, will you do the same?"

I don't know what to believe. Princess Fan Xing told me herself, out her very lips, that she wanted nothing but us to make amends so that I can keep Zian and she can help her people. But she also told me that she would do anything to help her people and the man she loved back home, and now I feel dumb. In order to help her people, she needs to not only marry Zian, but she needs to solidify her status by giving him a son. And with my pregnancy, unsure of the child's gender until their birth, I am a threat to her.

But I will not lose my child, the only thing that has been keeping me going besides my family, so if I am a threat to her, then she is a threat to me.

I look at Zhao Ji with determination. "Of course. Without a heartbeat."

I find Zian at the Royal Stables

After Zhao Ji explained to me the newest rumor going around, I felt scared. And when I get scared, the first person I want to be with is Zian. He has a calming nature about him and I love the way he comforts me and tells me that everything is going to be alright whether he knew what was going on in my head or not. And honestly, I want to see him.

But as I followed past the stables of horses being cared for by laborers and out into the open space where the horses can freely run about, my steps haltered when I caught sight of her long braid swinging at each soft laughter coughing up her lungs. Her attire still nothing I have yet seen, narrow fitted down her body and appealing to the eyes, even mines. I bit the inside of my mouth. What was Princess Fan Xing doing here? I came to meet with Zian, but why wasn't he alone?

"I promise, I did not know she was here, Your Highness." Yan Ran said at my side in a whisper as if she knew I was going to question her. Of course, I chose to believe her. She hasn't given me a reason to not trust her since she's been under my care.

Across from the princess, Zian stood near holding the reins to a brown horse Princess Fan Xing was currently gently petting. He was smiling at her, a smile he used often with me. And he was talking to her, sharing words that I was out of range to hear, watching her cheeks flush under his gaze. And to himself, he did the same. If I could turn any color besides black, I'd be green from jealousy and red from the hatred I have for her and for Zian entertaining her in front of me.

As if she felt me cursing her in my head, Princess Fan Xing's smile faltered when she fitted me into her view. She stepped away from Zian when seeing how close they were but kept close enough to not give him the wrong signals. She sent me a welcoming smile,  greeting me with a short bow. But I don't smile. But I do bow.

Zian then followed her bow and was already heading in my direction after passing the reins along to Zi Fan who stood awfully near. "Peizhi, why are you here? What's the matter?" He asked as if he knew there was something already bothering me, besides one of those reasons being Princess Fan Xing's current presence.

No guilt has written his face as he took my hand into his, the same hands he used to entertain his future Empress with, the future Empress who could be planning against me and my child.

My gaze lingered on Princess Fan Xing before I smiled up at Zian. "I missed you and wanted to come and be with you...but I didn't know you were with guests. Did I interrupt something?" I spoke with purpose, louder so Princess Fan Xing heard me. I didn't realize her mother, Queen Meiyin was near to chaperone her daughter. She stared when we met contact before she offered me a still smile.

His finger then lifted my chin, moving my head at different angles as if he was checking my face for something. It didn't hit me that I had been crying before I came here and so he must've seen how red my eyes were. He dropped his finger and smiled. "No, of course not. You are welcomed whenever." He reassured.  "Princess Fan Xing told me she used to ride horses when she was younger, and took her here so that she can ride around. Do you need to sit down for a bit because we might be here for a while?"

I shook my head. "I can stand."

So I can watch them at a closer range.

Zian ignored my request and made sure there was a chair for me to sit at whenever my legs grew tired, which was placed right next to Queen Meiyin. She didn't seem pleased about the chair placement, so I decided to stand. As I was going to do.

I felt Yan Ran lightly nudged my arm, gesturing me to move forward. Before we arrived, she gave me this whole heart-to-heart speech about how she will not allow His Majesty to fall under Princess Fan Xing's spell and I will remain his most favored consort. It was after the rumor had reached her ears and came to report back to me. In fact, she might've heard it before I did which could explain why she has been pestering to go send for him. Putting myself in her shoes, I wouldn't even tell myself of the rumor knowing my headset hasn't been in a peaceful state for a while now.

"You know," I dragged out to build up his curiosity. "I have always liked horses too."

Zian tilted his head with a soft smirk tugging his lips. "Do you now?"

"Mhm. Back home, we owned two horses. Diē never allowed us to touch either of them besides my brothers when it came to feeding them and preparing them to deliver our products to sell in the city. And it's been so long since I have pet one...I don't think I remember how one feels."

I could feel Yan Ran's satisfied smile.

It was a true story. We did in fact own two horses though one died during one long winter. Diē never bothered to buy another one since one horse worked just fine, and when he wasn't around, I would visit the stable to brush its long hair and tell it stories it didn't understand. The horse was my friend for a very long time until I had to grow up and prepare myself for reality.

Zian was already taking hold of my hand and leading me to the brown horse he and Princess Fan Xing were bonding over. "If so, would you like to pet this horse?" He asked.

Catching Princess Fan Xing's gaze. "I would love to,"

Shooting her mother a quick glance, Princess Fan Xing moved aside to allow space for us to pet the horse. Zian stood tall and warm behind me, his heart beating against my backside as he lifted my hand and dragged it along the horse's soft skin. Like a child, I am excited and amazed by every little thing as if I had just learned about horses and their existence today.

I then replaced my hand on top of his, running it through his long hair. "What is his name?" I asked him.

"He doesn't have one yet."

"Can I name him then?"

Zian dragged out a long hum looking to Princess Fan Xing off to the side of us with her hands clamped together. It then hit me that this was a gift to the princess by Zian himself. I dropped my hand from petting the horse and stepped away, though with him behind me, I moved further into his hold. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know — "

"It's okay," She assured. "You can name him."

"Are you sure? I don't like taking gifts from others especially if it's His Majesty's gift to you " I failed to wait a second longer before I have thought of a name of my own.  "But I do like the name, Yuán. It's a fitting name for his color."

"Yuán is a good name," Zian praised. His hands could be felt moving my hair from off my shoulders.

I could see Princess Fan Xing was not happy with the name or that I chose to name a meaningful gift given by Zian. "I can change it if you don't like it?" I directly asked her as if I had no idea what I was doing by provoking her. I knew she was just as confused since we came to an agreement to try both ways to get what we want, and since she was in no position — yet — to dislike the name, I forced upon myself to ask away.

She suppressed a still smile. "No, no. Yuán is lovely." While clearing her throat, she stood closer to pet Yuán. There was a look she kept giving me — a look that it was my place to remember the conversation we shared and to do my part to live up to it. Seeing I was ignoring her, she stepped even closer. "I should give him a ride now." She swiftly took the reins out of Zi Fan's hands, taking control of the horse.

"Let me help you up."

My backside went cold as Zian left me to help Princess Fan Xing onto her gifted horse. He placed his hands carefully at her waist, counting on three, and lifting her up. I breathed heavily. For someone who used to ride horses at such a young age, she surely was having a hard time getting herself on the horse unless it was intentional.

And then — she looked at me. It was the smallest eye-contact which was enough to tell me everything. A reminder, it was a game she can play too.

I could laugh. But I don't.

I was running out of options and there wasn't much I could do while I carried a child inside of me. Yan Ran found my panicked view and motioned to the ground. I was confused at first until I understood what she was saying. Zhao Ji did too which is why she rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh and rushed quickly behind me in order to catch me as soon as I 'fainted', whispering along the lines 'the things I do for men'.

"Your Highness!" Yan Ran's scream could scare a flock of birds. Her cold hands could be felt touching my arm as if she was doing something, but she was waiting for Zian to come.

There was a small yelp from Princess Fan Xing before Zian's shadow blocked the sun. "Peizhi!" Worry in his voice as he continued to wake me up — I almost did open my eyes, but I kept them shut tightly and my expressions neutral. "What happened?" His tone was much harder, much deadly, accusing Yan Ran and anyone near of their jobs they failed to perform. I could imagine his cold glare burning holes in everyone's head until they came up with a plausible answer to ease his racing thoughts.

"It must be too hot for Her Highness. She had been too excited to come see you, she must have skipped drinking water on the way." Answered Yan Ran with a story she made up.

Seconds later, I was being scooped into another pair of arms. Zian's air.  "Zi Fan, send for the Royal Physician immediately and tell him to meet me at the Fortune of Youth palace ." He demanded, not even taking a second to question her story or the coolness of the air.

"Yes, Your Majesty."

There must have been a look exchanged between Zian and Princess Fan Xing because the last thing I heard from her was 'Of course, I understand. Go quickly.' Before Zian rushed to my palace and to find the Royal Physician.

••••••

This chapter was good, but no matter how many times i keep writing and re reading I just haven't been happy with a lot of it. But I also don't wanna waste sooo much time on it than I already have which has halted everything so ima just post it anyways. It's a 1st draft anyways and I can always go back and fix anything