•••••

After Li Wei spent hours reciting the history of those whom carried the bracelet and comfort me a bit longer, he left to settle down in a house within the Forbidden City. Zian gave him the rank of a high-titled guard patrolling restricted areas I wasn't allowed in. It was a job — as he explained — where he can easily acquire the knowledge to build up his rank and soon take part in planning future wars or leading an army of his own. Because he served the army for some time, Zian believed his familiarity could help him succeed rapidly.

When he left, I found myself finding comfort in my bed and stayed there for hours, wishing to not be bothered by anyone no matter the problem. Though it didn't stop Zian from visiting me as soon as the news reached him. He stayed as long as he could before Zi Fan required his presence to meet with someone I didn't care for. He reminded me to eat even if I felt no hunger, to remember that I am not alone since I still have living family who cares about me, to share his condolences and his plan to help relieve my family of their problems. He held me as I cried a few times and respected my wish to be left alone, only if I promised him that I would reside in my gifted palace until I conceive our child. As he said precisely, 'With all this stress and given the recent events, is not healthy for you or our child. I'm sorry but I need you away from all of this; I only want you to focus on yourself and giving birth to a healthy child because if anything happens to you, I would not be able to live with myself.'

To ease his worries, I moved into the Vision of Youth Palace with limited helpers tagged along. But it was also my worries I wanted to ease. I knew what I was going through and how it affected my body, and I also wanted to grieve without so many faces invading my privacy on a daily basis. That's why I didn't put up much of a fight in moving here until I conceive. I am only one person, I can't do everything at once while risking my health and my child's health to get it done. I need time; time to heal, time to think, time to for once feel like myself.

I assumed it was Yan Ran coming to check on me when I heard someone walking around in the lounging area navigating their way around into my room. I quickly shut my eyes with my mother's bracelet clutched into my chest. I'm sure she knew I hadn't slept once I crawled back into bed, and has been trying anything in her power to get me out of bed. Food, Wanue's care, dying plants, and whichever more. I can't wait to see what she has next on her agenda. Maybe then I might get up so that she doesn't start pulling out her hair.

However, she was taking forever with her plan and I was too impatient to wait, so I opened my eyes. But it wasn't Yan Ran creeping around, it was Mo Lian Tan. I knew immediately from his figure and because of the candles he lit illuminating the side of his face, and he was the only man around who wore what he's wearing. I peeked around for Yan Ran. What the hell is he doing in my room lighting candles and why hasn't anyone stopped him from entering?

As if he felt my hard stare, his head turned in my direction. I shut my eyes to pretend I was asleep, but it was already too late since he had caught me. "I know you're awake, you don't have to pretend," I could hear the smirk in his tone as I saw on his low-lit face when I fluttered my eyes open to him standing across the room.  "Your attendant is desperate to get you out of bed — "

"So she sent you instead?" I sized him, finding it hard to believe Yan Ran would go to him for help out of all people and not Zhao Ji.

He shrugged.

While shrugging, he crossed the room to light another candle making the room a tad brighter. I squinted my eyes not prepared for the light, or him to see what I had been hiding from everyone. The redness of my eyes from crying all day led to puffiness and dried-up tears, and possibly appearing exhausted from lack of sleep and proper nutrition.

"She's smart. She must have figured out the tension within our relationship and knew my presence might be the only thing to agitate you into getting up."

He must be using Yan Ran as an excuse for meeting with me, though if wanting to keep his presence hidden, he wouldn't have lit the room.

He sucked in air as he peered nervously around the room. "Well, everyone is probably resting so you can eat now." He gestured towards the warm bowl of chicken soup with a sweet cake on the side. It was a different meal than what Yan Ran brought in some time ago, which I didn't eat. "I don't know how much you should eat or if you can keep anything down, but I know soup helps for the time being until you can handle bigger meals. I also know this cake here," he motioned towards the cake. "Is a great combination. My mother always said, a bittersweet treat..."

"...helps your heart from mistreat."

He smiled, lifting a brow. "You remembered that?"

It was a surprise to myself too. And the fact I repeated the saying out loud and not to myself as I thought I did. It rhymes so of course, it was easy to remember.

But it was already too late to take back my words watching his smile slowly broaden, so I rolled over in my bed with my back facing him after rolling my eyes. "Leave me alone. I made it clear I wished to not be bothered, and you're not allowed in here." I stared at the wall, twisting the bracelet around my wrist.

"The world doesn't stop when the dead does; you are still living so you must continue to do so."

"I would have hired a teacher if I wanted to be lectured." However, I knew it wasn't enough to make him leave; It was never easy to make him leave since he fed off my dislike in him. He was crazy in the head. "I will scream and it will alert anyone near. Then my husband shall finally sentence you to death by his own sword and I can live in peace. Leave while I'm being nice."

"I know you will, I never doubted your devotion to see my head chopped clean off my shoulders. I admire your effort, but this isn't about you and I," He thought on his words. "Well, it is about you. But what of your baby?"

I sat up with a jolt. "Don't you bring my child into this!"

"Then you will let the baby suffer because you are? I would be dead if my mother had done the same. But she remembered even through tough times and days where she couldn't stand on her own, sucked dry from every mouth she's fed and put before hers, that she mustn't be selfish and eat. No one can think straight on an empty stomach. Not even you. And I know you're hungry, so eat."

I hated when he was right; I hated when anyone was right and I was wrong. Despite my grieving, I shouldn't let my child suffer and ignore the clear signs of hunger. Mo Lian Tan smirked knowing he had hit a soft spot to reason with, which slowly broadens into a smile as I got out of bed.

"There you go," He cooned. "Wasn't so hard, was it?

Mixing around the spoon after I plopped myself down at the table, Mo Lian Tan stood in front of me making sure I ate every bite of my food. He backed down after a couple of sips, relieved, but a hot tear then warmed my hand. One fell in my soup. The spoon barely missed my lips and swallowed warm down my throat, and the next bite that entered my mouth had drained on the table as my lips pulled into a frown. Mo Lian Tan must have noticed before I broke into a cry because he was already at my side taking the spoon from my shaky fingers and placed it down on the table.

"Sorry," I pulled back my head to wipe the tears that kept falling.

"There is no need to apologize, Huang Fei. You are allowed to cry. You lost people who were dear to you."

His eyes were filled with concern, not knowing how else he could comfort me besides letting me cry, yet again.

"It's all my fault," My throat thick with emotions. I had nowhere to pin my frustration so I pinned it on myself. It was easier to do since it's always my fault. "If I had left when I was told to leave or drunk a little less then I would have still been home, at reach, and able to help my family whenever in need. Everything is my fault and now the universe has cursed me!"

His hand found my cheeks painted with my tears wiping them away and pulled closer to me so that I had his attention. "Nothing is your fault and you are not cursed. Death is inevitable. You cannot escape death or work around it to bring back the people you love, it just happens...and there's nothing you can do about it. It hurts, I know. And it will continue to hurt, but the best you can do is live in the now. Live for them. Don't waste your life for lives who are wishing you well and better for you."

It felt like he was talking to himself rather than me, but then I remembered he had also lost his family and his home at the hands of General Wang and the thirst for violence in war. So if there was anyone else who understood what I felt, it was him.

This was my second time crying in front of Mo Lian Tan. It seems when I am with him, I'm more vulnerable and honest with my feelings and myself in a way that I'm not with Zian. I felt comfortable laying myself out for him, and I hated that every time I look at him, I always see him as he saw me as Huang Fei.

A cold breeze filled the void when Mo Lian Tan pulled away to pick up the spoon. "Here, eat," He shoved the warm soup between my lips forcing me to swallow it down.

I'd rather cry than eat right now. But when I went to stop him or pull away or continue my cries, another spoon full has found its way in my mouth.

"Eat again." He ordered. Some of the soup drained down my neck. It also went down the wrong pipe. He handed me some water. "Chew properly and take your time. It will always be here." After I placed down the cup, another spoon was headed toward my direction. "And again — "

"Okay, I am done! I'm not a baby so stop feeding me like one!" I didn't think much when I smacked the spoon away from my face until I heard Mo Lian Tan hissing. The spoon flicked back at him and the soup burned his hand. "I didn't mean to!" I gasped.

Without thinking, I bend down onto my knees with struggle and reached out for the spoon to pick it up. I kept my head down and placed my hand over the spoon, when...his hand met with mine, also grabbing for the spoon.

A small gasp left my lips and our heads soon collided as we tried to pull away from one another. Mo Lian Tan held his left eye and scrunched up his face in small agony. I let out a soft groan as I rubbed my forehead lightly from the pain.

"Ow!" We said in a dragged unison. We looked at each other glaringly for causing each other's pain.

How could he be so careless when he saw I reached the ground first? It's not my fault he startled me.

Mo Lian Tan was the first to break into a pit of laughter and my face softened at the gesture. I follow behind with my own laughter and he smiled while watching me.

But it slowly dialed as I began to notice how close we were to one another.

He was close enough that I could feel his breath warm against my face. And when he realized the limited space, he stopped laughing too. This feeling made my heart pound. His eyes were hazy with a hint of lust, they darkened by the minute as he looked down at me, finally on his knees so that we were leveled. I tried to not concentrate on his intense stare and pretended to examine myself for injuries to block out any unnecessary thoughts that would force me to face reality....but it became a blur.

It angered me that I knew what type of person he was. He'd do anything to get close to his mission of killing my husband, and I would do anything to get in between that, so why can't I see him as my enemy? And what source of power he has to make me suddenly forget why I was crying before?

His breathing slightly hitched and the room was as quiet as a pin drop. My nervousness could be heard in my own breathing. He shifted his body away from me, giving me back my space. But in this moment.

I don't want space.

And for the first time in my entire life, I betrayed my husband to feel another man's lips against mine. Lips I had been yearning to taste for a while now; his scent filled in my nose, his lips warm and soft, and tasted like chicken soup. Mo Lian Tan responded with such enthusiasm that he was taken aback at first, but regained his composure and reminded himself of what was happening; and he kissed me back.

The kiss was small and gentle. Short but long enough that I was beginning to smell like him.

And maybe I was taking advantage of the situation and of his comfort by placing a peeled bandaid on top of my problems by using him as a quick source of blockage, or maybe it was an excuse I was using to kiss him longer than expected.

But in this moment which felt like forever, I regretted nothing.

He was non-responsive when I pulled away, his cheeks flushed cherry red. He struggled to make sense of what happened. "What was that?" He breathed with a small smile tugging his lips. He appeared a lot surprised than angry from what I had done against his will.

I took another step back on my knees, heat rising to my face. "I-I don't know." I held onto the table to pull myself up to my feet and run away from the problem I caused. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I should — "

As I was standing to my feet, my words were interrupted by Mo Lian Tan's lips pressed along mines following me up to his feet. Because he was at a lowered angle before he grew taller and I'd have to strain my neck, it caused my body to back into the table. The soup spilled a little but he grabbed me in a manner that kept me from falling back and dropped his hand when I could catch my own balance.

I pressed my hand stern against his chest as I pulled back, lifting a brow at him. It was my version of 'what was that?'. "Before you say you regret it, and while we both are looking for excuses." His joy could be heard through every syllable.

I shouldn't do this. And I knew it was wrong.

But there was this force that kept pulling me back each time I pulled away. And I knew Mo Lian Tan felt that same force gluing us together. Unlike me, he stopped fighting it a while ago, allowing our lips to teasingly brush and build that yearn of craving.

The color of my face drained as my gaze shifted behind Mo Lian Tan toward the dark shadow that moved in the background. A shadow that could've witnessed what happened between us...the kiss we shared...who currently was heading out the exit of my quarters.

I gasped.

Immediately, I feared the worse. I feared it was Zian, my husband. Did he come visit knowing I would still be in bed, probably unwell from not eating and wished to come check on me and make me eat? But if it was him, Mo Lian Tan's head would've stained the ground of his blood by Zian's sword. Wanue? Did she have another nightmare? Was she worried about me and wished to comfort me by lying in bed? It could've been anyone, but I feared it was Yu Xiu, Shufei Yiyi's little spy. And if she knew, it was only a matter of time before Zian knew and come marching himself here.

"I will handle it." Mo Lian Tan stepped back as he reached down for his sword the second I fearfully told him someone was here.

My eyes went big at its silver glint. "No," I launched forward to stop him from going after the person and possibly slaughtering anyone I knew and loved.

He wasn't looking at me when I stepped in front of him, his eyes were down at my hand on top of his pushing the sword back into its saber. Electricity. I quickly yanked back my hand at the sight of his free hand lifting. I didn't stay long enough to witness what he was going to do with his hand or what he said when I told him I would handle the problem.

I rushed out my quarters with the cool breeze hitting my warm face. If I hadn't caught myself quickly from tripping over myself being faced with my anxiety and clustered in guilt, my reality would have come rapidly falling face-flat to the ground. However —

I wasn't the only who caught myself — a stern hand grabbed my arm from meeting the ground and held me up with ease. Her eyes glared down at me with disappointment, her long knotted hair brushing my flustered cheeks before she lets go of my arm without a word and continued down the stairs. She was leaving.

I rushed down the stairs after her seeking to reason before she does anything recklessly. "Z-Zhao Ji wait — "

"I will leave here tonight and come back tomorrow morning as if nothing happened. As if my eyes had not seen the treachery you projected clear in the night, as if you had no fear of who would be watching."

I yanked her arm back forcing her to face me. "It was nothing, it was an — "

"An accident?"

Though she tried to conceal her worrisome for me, it failed miserably. And I knew I messed up. I terribly fucked up, again. And there's no way I can come back from it.

My head lowered in shame with guilt I was beginning to feel. "Yes," I nibbled on my bottom lip. "It just happened."

Zhao Ji sighed and placed her hand on my shoulder as if she knew something I didn't and wanted to comfort the part I would never mention out loud. "I say this because I care and because I tolerate you enough to call you my friend, as well as I serve you faithfully, but you must end it. We can play this clueless game back and forth, but the one you keep feeding in is dangerous and I know you know it, and I will not standby and watch your trail cut short because of him."

"You know nothing. He means nothing to me, he's here to do his job which is to keep me safe," I grew defensive for no reason. But why didn't I sound confident in my words? Did my body know something I didn't?

"I don't wish to control your heart because it is a complex organism, but understand you are married to the Emperor himself and you are carrying his first-born child, and his love for you is eternity. He will never let you go. The only thing you can do, from a personal experience from my younger self," Zhao Ji's gaze softened upon my hopeless stare. "Love him from afar."

"Love him?" My eyes grew wide at her bold assumption. I knocked her hand off my shoulder and stepped further away. "I don't love him, I—" My words fumbled and I was desperate for words to come together and save myself from these deranged thoughts.

Love him? Love Mo Lian Tan? How could I love another man when I have Zian? When I love him. Love? Mo Lian Tan is to be my enemy, I can't love him. And even if I did — which I didn't — when? How? Why?

"Peizhi,"

Zhao Ji pulled my attention when she called my name in a stern tone. But I couldn't face her. All I could think about is how was any of this possible? And if it was true — which it wasn't — will she look at me any differently? Is she judging me now?

As if I wore my feelings on my face, Zhao Ji continued,  "I'm not your enemy and I'm not here to shame your feelings for another. You know I am the last to speak about shaming someone for what they don't understand. It's okay to share your heart with another man — " I met her gaze with hope and much relief hearing that from her. " — It doesn't make you crazy or wrong or unfaithful to an extent; it's normal. Though the conversation is taboo amongst women, it is common more than you know. But what isn't okay is the actions you form from that love you have for another which can endanger not only you, but him, and whatever relationship you have with Zian. End it and love him from afar. It's for the best and you know it."

Zhao Ji is right. I must end it.

No matter how hard I keep denying my fiddy feelings, I knew deep down within that I grew very fond of Mo Lian Tan. Okay, I admit it! I am more than fond of him. Maybe it began the night he saved me from that inhabitable room? Or when he comfort me the night I stole my first kill and I discovered we had a common enemy, and that he wasn't that bad of a person besides his curiosities? He is the complete opposite of Zian with few traits I adored more than what Zian possesses. I never had to feel subconscious about anything of myself; of my appearance, of my worthiness, of my poor background and how it could benefit our futures. He was just a man. Him. But he's not Zian, and he can't give me what Zian can — security. What I share with Zian can't be explained in words, but we are bound to each other. A bond that grew from nothing, where we find ourselves often learning from each other and as we continue to grow, there will be far more mountains to climb. But we will climb them together.

This must have been how my mother felt juggling between my father and Diē. She told me she loved my father as she did her husband, but in the end, she knew what was right despite what she felt and she knew what she had to do. Which is what I must do. I wish there was another option to keep Mo Lian Tan, but it would only complicate the matter much more. And I don't want to lose Zian in order to keep him.

Mo Lian Tan stood from the chair when I entered the lounging room dazed as I lost myself in a world without feelings. A world where then I felt confident enough to do what I must.

And when he opened his mouth after gathering no answers upon my presence, I slapped him. It pained me more than it pained myself. Mostly because my hands have still yet healed, blood which wasn't Mo Lian Tan's breached beneath the thin layers of cloths.

Mo Lian Tan noticed the blood and reach out for my bleeding hand as if I hadn't slapped him, but before he got any closer, I pulled away.

He then understood why I slapped him, why I wished to preserve my personal space, why I didn't need his help or his concern despite my hands now burning and hurting more than before. It was an excuse I used to allow the first tear to fall. "Don't ever kiss me again," I warned.

"You kissed me first."

"You found a reason to kiss me."

"And you had yours too," He pointed out and my gaze narrowed. He's right. I did kiss him first but it was more than a distraction. "I'm beginning to think our reasons are aligning. Don't you?"

I refused to meet his pressing gaze. I knew that if they met, he would know the truth even if my lies poisoned my tongue. "I'm married," Still with my head down, I reminded. It was more to remind me of my marriage than to warn him of it.

But maybe it helped jog his memory seeing how his shoulders relaxed with a calming sigh that blew cold against my cheeks. "Okay," Was all he said.

"And I'm pregnant with the Emperor's child. I can't do this — we can't do this. Whatever this is, it must end. I was in a vulnerable state and I took advantage of your comfort. It's my fault I fed into this. I apologize and it will never happen again."

Few of my words jumbled by how fast I spoke, but I knew he understood me well enough to know what I was saying.

"You don't need to explain yourself and you're not the only who's at fault; I knew of it all when I kissed you. In fact, it never left my brain. I just didn't want to listen." He admitted. "But you don't have to worry,  I will do what I devoted myself to you for — to protect you and only you."

His response had caught me off guard. I'm not sure what I was expecting him to say but I wasn't expecting him to be very understanding about this. I kissed him because I wanted to. And he kissed me because...he wanted to? What was his excuse? Was there not more for him to say?

No.

No.

End it, Peizhi. It has to end before it leads.

"I agree," My reply soft and short. But being me, I had to add more. Just to be sure the message was clear. "I'm glad you're taking this much better than I thought. I mean, it was a mistake to begin with. A mistake I never want to make again. It was a mistake, right?"

His gaze narrowed. "Yea, a mistake."

"A mistake..." I repeated back to myself for some reason.

His feet were already heading in the direction of the door he gestured for to avoid the awkward silence we built. "Anyways, I should go. I need to make sure the perimeter is safe so that you feel safe because that is my job, which I should get back to doing. I do hope you feel better over time and remember to eat for not only yourself. I will find your attendant to help with your hands."

I rolled my eyes. I just knew this was coming. "Yes, I know and — " The door shuts. I frowned. "...bye."

••••••

YES I DID IT, AND WHAT ABOUT IT? *evil laughs*

What's there to expect now?

Also Lemme know if you find any mistakes. I keep skipping over many when I go back to reread.