Ignore her hand....it's just been in the shade that's all 💀

•••••

𝘛𝘸𝘰 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘴 𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳

"...Her skin white as snow, hair black like the pupil of her eyes, lips red as fire, cheeks pink like the petals of a Plum Blossom, she was beautiful and danced like a wave carried by the wind. Her laughter soft and often hidden behind her emerald sleeves where her black eyes glow amongst the moon's highest reach. She was beautiful. She was magnificent. She was everything I had imagined a soulmate to be, more than expected to be. As she was the greatest sorrow of my life, a sorrow I loved to attract, but a sorrow that has damned my years of youth and led me down a path I followed aware of my ending. As she was, if she were, and she would. And I would allow her in, again. And again. And again for eternity."

I glance up at Sister Mei Ye, plopping a fresh grape in her mouth with eyes of a proud mother after a long time of shadowing her, her having to read back everything for me to understand, and the many stressful meltdowns and long mornings we've faced, I have finally recited my first poem.

The poem was about a man who fell madly in love with a woman who fooled him into love and used him for her protection even until her last breath. He allowed her to do so even while knowing her true motives because his love for her was something no one could explain. Set by the heavens in the wrong lifetime, he said. But he didn't care how long he was used for or how much of her problems he had to face and save her from, as long as she stayed by his side needing him, he was satisfied. There is no true reason to how she died, but It's told she committed suicide so that she can no longer use the man she began to fall in love with, wishing the heavens will set them in the right timeline where they can be together in peace. And so he remembered her by a poem. A beautiful poem he called 'As She Was'.

"How did I do?" I asked.

She eats another grape before she stood from her seat and fixed the shawl draped over her shoulders. "How did you do?" She repeated but she doesn't sound disappointed so ....it was a start I believe? Once she had reached me, her smile is more prominent gripping my shoulders in her hold. "I could sing a song to celebrate how far you have come alone. Your pronunciation is far better than before, a bit fixing but has shown you have been studying. And you've narrowed down to asking me questions about a word five times. And as promised," she dug in her jewelry box, pulling out a beautiful hairpin. "my most cherished pin, I give to you. We can replace this one — "

I leaned back when she reached for the gifted Blue-Eyed Grass Flower hairpin Zian gave me in my hair. "I don't want to replace this one, it holds too many memories. Can I wear both?"

"Of course! Let me put it on. Here, sit"

I happily sat in front of the mirror, allowing Sister Mei Ye to place the beautiful hairpin opposite from where Zian placed his and stood back to examine me fully.

"You are so beautiful Peizhi, I fear others will fail to see that and nitpick on other flaws, you know how women, especially aunties are. You can't escape their brutal judgment in the name of 'good faith'."

I do know that and it's painful to experience.

"Thank you,"

"Good, now do you think you can recite the poem on paper? I will gift you one of my dresses if you can."

Looking at her through the mirror, "No. It will take me much longer to write this out than it was to read it."

"You were just so confident, where has it gone?"

I shrugged.

Reading is another thing, but writing is far out of the question. VERY FAR! The first time I was introduced to a simple character which spelled out '娘' which meant mother, I found it easy to replicate a few more times and assumed it couldn't get any worse than that....until it did. I was then met with much harder characters that needed more than 10 strokes to complete. Which was present in the current poem I read. And I would get ink all over my sleeves and stained on my fingers and smeared on the paper having to rewrite them again, but it was just too hard. And messy. And not clear enough to read and it was frustrating.

Sister Mei Ye was about to open her mouth with words of encouragement until someone knocked on the door. Leaving me at the mirror to answer it, her face then fell when facing me. "I'm sorry, Huang Fei. I have a guest waiting for my presence, but we will continue this tomorrow and you will attempt to recite this poem on paper no matter how long it takes. We've put it off for far too long, my dear."

I sighed, still looking at her through the mirror. "Okay. You are right, I will give it a try."

I leave Sister Mei Ye after cleaning my station to eat with Wanue. I took the poem with me to trace out its characters with my finger and read out to Wanue and taught her what Sister Mei Ye was teaching me. However, Wanue was far better than expected and caught on quickly, but after some time of eating and reading together, I began to not feel well. I only ate a bowl of warm porridge but wished I had eaten another since it didn't fill me up as it used to, but it would also make me feel worse than before so I was sent to bed to rest up for a bit.

Minutes later, Jingfei entered the room with Bai Han Zhi trailing behind with another story from today's event. Over time Bai Han Zhi has learned to coexist with me since Lady Ting Yu found out she hasn't been sleeping in her assigned bed. We never exchanged words and often kept to ourselves with only Jingfei as the only reason to be near one another.

"If that man continues to visit me at every hour and asks me to play again, I will cut off my fingers and never play again. You don't feel well, again?" Jingfei is at my side with her hand already placed to my forehead. Bai Han Zhi went over to brush her hair while indulging Jingfei's story. "Well, you're not burning up so that is a good sign."

"I was eating too fast and talking at the same time so it must be a digestive problem."

She smacked my shoulder without warning and I glared at her in shock. "Ouch!" I exclaimed.

"You always talk while eating which causes this problem! How are you older and still have me taking care of you? It should be the other way around since I'm Mèimei*, not you. I will see if Lady Ting Yu can bring some ginger soup to help ease your stomach. Until then, rest."

Our relationship was weird. Though I was older than Jingfei and considered her big sister, Jiĕjie*, through customs, having the role to look out for her and take care of her as my owns, It was usually the other way around where Jingfei is taking care of me and holding the responsibilities of a jiĕjie while I played the mèimei. Comb your hair, she reminded. Sleep now or you will be tired later, she reminded again. You must eat this or how else will you live on for your family? She once again reminded.

After Yiyan's loss, I sort of fell off from taking care of my basic human needs. I still smiled and carried conversations with those who wished to speak with me and done as told, but on the inside, I was still hurting. My heart still ached and I still blamed myself for her death. But if it wasn't for Jingfei noticing the off-balance of my character and reminding me of the little things that made me human or feel more like myself, I probably wouldn't have been here today.

There I lie in pain, drenched in sweat from head to toe and I scream as another wave of intense pain seized up my lower back to where I can no longer speak but hold my breath until it's all over. When I glance down between my parted legs, there is blood smeared down the hem of my dress poured between my legs sinking under the pads of my toes.

Until a wet rag is pressed against my forehead to ease the pain and help radiate my temperature, a soft voice is heard. A shadow wavers and my head is being pressed between the knees of a woman who continued to speak to me soothingly. However, no words were heard until I forced myself to hear them. "It's only natural, my child. Don't fight the pain." The shadow unravels and shows my mother.

"Niáng," I called out for her but my voice is too strained and dry to speak any louder.

She peered down at me with a warm smile and continues to press the rag around my face and in areas down my neck. "It will be over as soon as you push. You can do it. You are stronger than anyone I know."

I don't understand what she's talking about but I do as she says and pushed.

My brows creased and my bottom lip clamped between my teeth as I pushed again.

And again, I pushed.

And pushed.

Until she was smiling but her eyes weren't looking down at me — they were looking at something being wrapped in a blanket still connected to me. "You did it!" She praised me.

My brows furrowed. "What did I do, niáng?"

She left me to see the thing everyone crowded around to glimpse and stared in awed. I sat more up to see what she was holding and why everyone cared for it rather than me and the agonizing pain I just went through.

"What did I do? What is that? I'm scared."

She rocked the stuffed blanket and complimented its appearances comparing the thing to me. Others agreed.

"Niáng!" Her eyes shot to me at the panic in my tone desperate for answers. They were looking at me as if I have done wrong or chugged thirty vases of pure wine. She followed my gaze to the blanket. "What is that?"

Seeing the fear in my eyes, she sighed into a smile. "Here, take a look at what you have created," There is a sound coming from the blanket, a high-pitched cry that rang in my ears. And when my mother leaned forward so that I can see what's being held in her arms making that deafening sound, my eyes grew wide with shock. Wet curls. Small eyes. Tannish wrinkled skin. It's looking at me. It's smiling at me. It's reaching for my hand. "A ba — "

— With a scream, I jolted from my bed already throwing my sweaty hands down between my legs, and searched for my mother who was nowhere to be found. There was no one here but me. And there was no baby to be found, but there was something off about my body that my hands finally caught.

I jumped to my feet despite being lightheaded or the warm liquid burning up my throat and threw up my dress and stood in front of the mirror examining myself at every angle. My eyes widen with a gasp. There, right there in the mirror, a small round bump has formed.

"H-How?" I reach to touch me but immediately retrieved my hand too afraid to touch it. Now I was panicking and I couldn't breathe. "This can't be real. How come I didn't know?"

I began counting down the days to figure out how long I might have been pregnant. It's been almost two and a half months since Zian and I had sex and it's only been him, so I have been with child for a very long time without knowing it. None had crossed my mind. The stomach cramps, the heavy eating or feeling hungry after already eating, feeling tired and weak, the tenderness in my breast. It was clear in my face but I chose to ignore it. I assumed I was aging or tired from spending my mornings with Sister Mei Ye then the afternoons in the kitchen and scattered nights with Mo Lian Tan, but I never expected it to be a baby.

A BABY?!?

How do I tell this to Zian? To my husband who has clearly stated he was not ready to be a father nor does he ever want to bring a child into this world. How do I explain this to Madam Xuan once I can no longer hide my stomach from the world? I don't know how to be a mother. I don't know anything about pregnancies — I barely knew I was pregnant myself — besides the little information from Gao, but she had mother to help guide her. I have no one here to help me. I don't even have Zian with me and I'm scared. I want my mother.

And I'm even more scared of Zian. How will he react? Will he leave me because I defied his wish and gave him the one thing he doesn't want? What of this child? Who will they take after? Zian knew what he was getting himself into when he married me, but will he accept the future genetics of his child?

I lowered my dress the moment someone entered the room unannounced and played off my actions by reaching for Bai Han Zhi's comb and pretended to comb my hair. My braided hair. While doing so, I peeked through the mirror to see it was only Jingfei and placed down the comb to face her once I saw she was out of breath as if she had been running for miles.

"Is there something wrong?" I questioned with ease though blood pumped heavily in my ears.

There appeared to be something on her mind given the disoriented aura, but then her eyes trailed down towards my stomach area and I quickly covered myself. She knew what I was doing in the mirror, and so I opened my mouth to explain myself, but before I could get anything out, Jingfei took me by my hand and tugged me out the seat. "Come with me," She dragged me out the room barefooted.

"Where are you going? Slow down!"

We ran through the labor section, navigating around those grouped gossiping to one another and any unaccompanied set of ears the big news that has infiltrated the city. It must have been something significant if Head Feng openly indulged the conversations and dared not force anyone to get back to work.

I snugged my hand from her grip and stopped for a moment to catch my breath. "I can't keep up with you today, Jingfei. Just tell me what it is so we can figure it out now rather than later." I was getting dizzy and this has never happened before but I have no energy to give especially with the lack of sleep and food intake.

"I need to confirm something and you must hear it too."

"Can't you tell me what it is — "

"No," she interjected.

Just then, a laborer and her friend were walking past us with the same gossip that has grasped everyone's attention, the same gossip I overheard and looked to Jingfei for confirmation of this news. She was quiet squeezing her fingers. They say the Crown Prince, son of the former emperor, has shown his face and taken the throne upon his father's Imperial' edict scroll which stated that no one shall sit on his throne if not his son, Li Jun Xu.

Jingfei handed me her hand. "I need to confirm the information first, but I need your hand because I need you with me. You must be present."

After taking a few more breaths, I give her my hand. It's the least I can do after all she has done for me during one of the hardest times of my life. If she can be there for me, then I will be there for her. Also, whatever that's bothering her seemed to be serious enough, so I prepared myself to handle her emotions and ready to give her the support she needed.

As we ran through groups of people, even out in the open for workers and guests to see me as clear as day since Jingfei failed to take the back way, I found myself at Madam Xuan's quarters. We arrived just in time just as she was leaving out the door with Zhao Ji also behind her. Behind the woman she told me to be careful of yet she's glued to her like a child hugging their mother's leg.

"Jingfei," Madam Xuan caught sight of us immediately.

"Zhao Jì?" Puzzled, I say.

"Huang Fei," Zhao Ji replied, narrowing her gaze

"Madam Xuan," Jingfei stepped forward confidently.

I turn to her in a whisper tone, "what are we doing here? We might get in trouble."

"Is it true? Has Li Jun Xu taken the throne?" She ignored my concern to ask Madam Xuan. Li Jun Xu was the Crown Prince — now Emperor — the laborers mentioned. This was big news of course, but why did it sound personal?

"Why don't we chat more about this inside my — "

"Don't you think she deserves the truth instead of continuously being lied to upon your command?"

"Jingfei," Madam Xuan cautioned.

I was only here for support, not to be a part of something that now has something to do with me. "What's going on?" I looked to Zhao Ji for a proper answer but she was quiet. Probably the quietest she has ever been.

We followed the chuckle coming from Jingfei. "It seems you have forgotten your place, Madam Xuan. You have gotten comfortable with calling me by my name and used to using any chance you get to extort my power for your own benefits in the name of sisterhood, but I don't have to listen to you. And truthfully speaking, I have grown sick of the lies and playing by your rules. This woman deserves the truth. And since you will not answer me, I will ride to the city and see for myself and I'm taking Peizhi with me."

My neck snapped in her direction hearing my given name roll off her tongue with ease as if she had known my name for a long time. "How do you know my name?" Jingfei walked away to gather a horse from the den, but I caught up with her quickly leaving both Zhao Ji and Madam Xuan behind. "I asked how do you know my name? Who are you?"

It was Shui Shi who helped her round up a horse and made sure she got on the saddle safely. Once she gained control of the horse and found me her hand extended out. "Hop on,"

"Answer my question, Who are you?"

"I am Princess Jing, daughter of the former emperor and sister to the Crown Prince who you might know of as Zian, your husband." I took a step back. She knew I was married. She knew Zian was my husband. And she knew more than I ever did about him. "Today, my brother, your husband, the nation's Emperor, has claimed his rights to the throne with our father's Imperial' edict scroll which have said to been perished away in a fire during the Blood War."

"What is she talking about?" I was talking to Zhao Ji who thought I didn't see her catching up to us. "There must be a mistake because Zian is no Emperor or the Crown Prince. Zian, my husband, is a simple man who came from a wealthy background. He served in the war and was rewarded heavily and gained his respect amongst his comrades. I don't know who Li Jun Xu is but he is not Zian, and he is not my husband. You are lying!"

"Why would I reveal my identity and the royal blood in my DNA in a world that would have me killed just to lie to you out of spike? Have I ever lied to you before? Your husband — "

"I know my husband!" I shouted on the top of my lungs, spiking my emotions that traveled faster than it's ever had. "I know him! I know....I know him. He would never lie to me and keep something this important about himself from me. I would know this because I know him. I know Zian. I know my husband. You don't."

But do I truly know him?

Or do I know what he tells me to know?

Was this the so-called secret he mentioned the night we married and said he was unable to reveal it until I, his loyal wife, wasn't a threat to him? A threat?!? I took it with a grain of salt, but I should've been angry. I should have screamed at him and let him know a piece of my mind. How dare he thinks his wife is such a threat to him that he couldn't tell me the biggest part of his life. Parts I wanted to know about him. I begged out of him. But a threat? What the hell was I ever going to do to him once he told me? What threat did I oppose? Did he think I would kill him with a shovel or leave him out in the heat of my family's farm so that he dies of dehydration?

And now that I think about it, the puzzle pieces were starting to connect. Gui respecting Zian as if he was his elder? The tassel Lienna held to scare off those bandits, she knew at that moment who Zian was. Before me. Including her husband who kept close to Zian , and Zhao Ji. The one who threw in my face that she knew my husband better than I did. This must've been one of those things, and even despite our journey together and the complicated relationship we shared, she still kept me in the dark. I was a fool to think she considered me as a friend as I did her, but I fell into that same hole again.

No one is my friend. So when will I begin to accept that?

Sensing the anger I withheld, Zhao Ji took a cautious step forward, "Peizhi, I — "

"I don't want to hear it," I stressed. "Honestly anything you say won't make it better or rewind the time. I'm just a fool for thinking we were friends when we were nothing to begin with. It's becoming a habit."

"You must understand that I was only following the orders he gave me. Orders I had no right to refuse. I know where I have gone wrong and I will repent for it, but if there is anyone you wish to lash your anger out on, then lash it on the man who gave those orders, your husband."

My lip quivered, fumed on anger that was making me lightheaded. Zhao Ji is right, I should be furious with Zian and I am. My emotions were all over the place I don't know how to express myself clearly after hearing all that I thought I knew of Zian was nothing but a lie.

A hand is thrown in my face. I followed the hand to Jingfei gripping the reins of the horse to keep it still as she reached out for me. "If you don't believe me, then come see for yourself."

I don't wait for an answer from above and took Jingfei's hand as she helped me onto the horse. I held my arms tight around her waist as we rode through the city. The roads were cluttered and the news of the Faceless Emperor has gotten out and traveled through the ears of the citizens that even they wanted to see for themselves and gathered at the humongous grey walls surrounding the property of land within. Guards on top of the wall and below kept the crowd from getting any closer to the grey gates, the grey gates we were heading for.

"Everyone get back! I need someone left of me to get these people back!" Guards rushed left of the man who commanded them to help push the people back.

We were tight on space, a boy playing with the horse's tail and a woman jabbing her shoulder in my leg and glared at me as if I done it, but Jingfei still pushed through the tight space.

The guard noticed us reeling closer and stood in front of the horse to stop us from going any further. "Mam, you can't get any further than where you stand so it's best you turn away and — " Jingfei revealed a brown cut tassel to the commander who immediately bowed upon reading the characters engraved. "Your Highness, forgive my ignorance." he then turns to the guards near the gates. "Open the gates! Make way for Princess Jing."

Your Highness.

It was such a weird term, foreign to my ears as it replayed over and over in my head. Believing what I heard, meant I was forced to believe in Jingfei's — Princess Jing's — words, and that what she claims about Zian becoming the Emperor is true as well. But I have to see it. I need to see it with my own two eyes before I can make a clear judgment.

A cool chill shivered down my spine as the red gates began to pull open leaving a clear path for us to enter. Guards respectfully bowing upon JingFei's passing even despite the overwhelming crowd fighting to make a run for the open pathway before a handful of guards breached through around the horse to hold back the crowd, even threatening civilians with their weapons and time locked away.

My jaw flung open.

The giant walls were like a maze that would take days to navigate through or to get where you're going on feet, filled of fine-built houses greater and much more extravagant than I've ever seen. They were twice the size of regular homes and even bigger than my tiny family home. The people — especially the women — who lived within these walls were not afraid to show their wealth or status, hair voluminous and well kept, their makeup expressively bold and often adjusted for one's appearance, jewelry and hair pens of gold complimenting their white skins, and the finest fabric of clothing. They were the blueprint of today's society, the fashion those outside these walls aspire to appear and dress as to climb anywhere on the social ladder.

We find our way through the maze and passed through multiple gates, JingFei galloping the corners as if she knew where to go, and she did of course, creeping upon a long narrow pathway leading us to the grey doors of gold buttons shaped into a dragon with water signs breathing out its mouth.

I inhaled and exhaled to catch my breath and said in a low tone, "This must be where Zian is?" It wasn't a question to be answered, a statement to force myself to cope with feelings I didn't understand.

The guards refused to allow us to enter beyond the gates due to the ceremony going on and the Emperor refusing to open the gates until the ceremonial feast, but Jingfei was persistent even after showing her tassel in which they finally opened the gates not wanting to argue anymore.

The horse galloped us through the large opening filled with 3 wide-reaching buildings coated in red and yellow glazed roof tiles. I had no time to admire its architecture given the nauseating feeling from riding the horse and the number of armed guards standing 3 feet apart following the pathway down to the largest building that stood in front of us.

Jingfei got off the horse and gave me her hand to help me off. "Are you ready?" She tried to give me encouragement behind her smile.

"I don't think I'm ready for the truth."

"No one ever is, but it's best to face the truth now rather than wait till it's too late to react then."

She made a point. If I'm doubtful  by this given information I can't wrap my head around, then I should face him and ask him myself. I take her hand and together we head for the red doors up the wide flight of stairs.

A eunuch dressed differently than the others I've noticed is leaving the red doors and noticed us marching up the steps and immediately rushed over to stop us from taking the last step to the floor where the doors lie. "Who opened the gates? His Majesty was clear with who may enter and who may not." He sized us in disgust, following down to the random boots Jingfei got for me during the journey which did not go with the uniform I wore, and kissed his teeth looking over us. "Guards take them away! Allow no one within these gates"

Jingfei held up her hands before the guards were able to grab onto her. It was already too late for me since one was holding my arm and pulled me down the wide steps. "None of you will touch me or her! Let her go!"

I tug my arm. "Let go of me!"

The guard appeared unsure until the Eunuch gave a nod to continue. I couldn't break out his hold. He was much stronger than me that I didn't want to fight him knowing I would lose.

"Have you lost your mind?"

We turn our heads to no other but Gui. We made eye contact as he marched up the stairs to quickly disable the situation. He was surprised to see me but not to see Jingfei. He's dressed a lot differently than before, a lot different that when the guards and the eunuch recognized his wear they greeted him immediately.

"This is Princess Jing, and she is the wife of His Majesty ."

The way 'his majesty' flew off his lips as if he had been addressing Zian long before I arrived into the picture.

His eyes bulged and he was quick on his knees. The guards let go of me and stood with their heads bowed in a greeting but regretful manner. "Y-your Highness, please forgive my rudeness. I deserve to die." He pleaded. The guards followed suit.

"Stand," She commanded and gestured her head towards the door. "Announce us."

He looked to Gui who had stood in a way where he doesn't have to acknowledge my existence, hesitant all of a sudden. "Your Highness, I can't — "

"Now."

"Yes, Your Highness."

He leaves quickly to announce us to whoever lies within the room. Jingfei offered me a supportive smile while taking my hand and followed behind the Eunuch. I was already holding my breath.

Dragons.

Everywhere I looked, there were dragons. Dragons built into the roofs of the 3 large buildings. Dragons painted on the red walls. Dragons wrapped around the thick cylinders that held the building along with ancient pillars. And the biggest dragon engraved on the gold tiles leading towards an unrecognizable man in the golden throne of dragons who claims to be my husband.

Zian.

My hand somehow slipped from Jingfei's, too ashamed and embarrassed to take another step upon the lavish grounds.

Jingfei stepped forward without me holding her back and got to her knees to greet the heavenly figure sitting on that heavenly throne. "Li Jun Xu, my brother."

There's silence in the air.

"So we reunite again."

•••••••

妹妹 （ Mèimei ) = Younger sister
姐姐 （Jiĕjie ） = Elder Sister

____

This is probably the longest chapter throughout the whole book. About 600wrds from 6k but thank god it'a done cause I rewrote this chapter many times especially with the way I wanted to envision the palace.

This story is taken place in Tang Dynasty, and their palace name was actually "
大明宫/ Dàmíng Gōng = The Daming Palace" not The Forbidden City ( 紫禁城 /Zǐjìnchéng) ,
which was found/built in Ming Dynasty a bit far from Tang Dynasty. However, there was lack of information about The Daming Palace on western sites besides harem titles and foods, clothing, etc, and I don't know good enough mandarin to search on Chinese sites or even read complexed characters, so I ended up combining the two. Still from my imagination but based off real facts of both palaces. But we finally here tho!!!!Go crazy ahh go stupid AHHAHAHH

Also where y'all from? I checked the map thing through the desktop version and a lot of countries are shaded. I've noticed too that many will read my updated work midnight Est of my time. Unless y'all don't sleep like me 😂