•••••••

Another night, five nights in a row, hours after the sun has set and a few more hours until sunrise, I wait for Yiyan across her home under a shaded tree far from civilians passing by. And yet again, she doesn't show herself, or there is another excuse as to why she is unable to come out and greet me. Yiyan enjoyed going on night strolls and was always outside while the rest of us slept so I find it hard to believe she would change that quickly for the lifestyle that chose her first.

I bite at my nails, growing impatient, to ease the anxious feeling in my gut and to clear my mind from mental thoughts. I had already been on edge for some time since Zian's departure a week or two ago, distracting myself with more chores around the kitchen, hurting my brain to remember exhausting words that were much easier to speak than to read out, and trying to figure out the mystery behind Yiyan.

None of this felt right and I was petrified. I'm scared that something terrible has happened to Yiyan that I'd rather not discover, but the curiosity within me seeks the truth. Because I deserve it. Our family deserves it.

I find a way to climb the wall. Being such a good climber, it was easy for me to grip onto smaller edges and cuts until I land on my feet on the other side of the wall within Yiyan's home.

It was quiet. Too quiet. As if the house were vacant and there was no sign of femininity. Just sad and dead. Even the flowers were merely dying.

I'm quick on my feet at the sound of a door pulling open. Before I'm seen, I hide behind the closes building and peeked around the corner to find the maid who answered to me. She carries a bucket of dirty water and wet clothes hanging off the crease of her arms. None of which belonged to Yiyan or a woman of any sort.

Now I am shaking, riddled with doubt. Something truly isn't right. And when I refused to take that one step to figure it out, I am taking more beyond my process. And a few more steps after another, stalking the maid. If there's anyone with the answers I needed, it's from the person who has been here for a while who'd know everything that happens behind closed doors — the maid. And by the looks of it, it was only her around. At least around nighttime.

I follow the maid around back. She placed down the bucket of water and stood to hang the wet clothes to dry.

It was then when she noticed a shadow reflecting against the white sheets and gasped, but before she turned around or decided to run for help or fight back, I tackled her to the ground, allowing my weight to press onto her stomach restricting a large portion of oxygen.

"Where is Yiyan?" I threatened.

She struggles to break free from my hold, adjusting her eyes to me. "It's you again? HEL — "

Her cry for help is caught in my hand taped around her mouth. "You will answer me and answer truthfully. If you refuse to compromise and decide to scream once I remove my hand, you won't make it out these gates alive. Now, where. Is. My. Sister?"

I slowly began to lift my hand, still nearby in case she decided to scream, and lift it further away when she obeys.

She quickly sat up and scooted back but not far from my reach. "She is not here." She breathed out.

"What do you mean she is not here? As in she left but she will return after some time?"

She shook her head 'no'. Her silence is what scared me the most. What I hated the most.

"What do you mean? Speak clearly!"

A tear is wiped the moment it left her eye. "Lady Yiyan has been dead for years." She choked up.

It was as if a knife had twisted the deepest part of my heart hearing those wretched words leave her wet lips and soft cries. I could feel my eyes watering and my mouth suddenly dry and an annoying ring in and out my ears, but how come I don't cry? How come the pressure of my back teeth biting the inside of my cheeks didn't break and the taste of blood doesn't saturate my tongue or sink in between my gums, gliding down my tighten throat? Was I even human? Where have my feelings gone even while I grew numb?

"H-how did she die?" I managed to question.

"Lady Yiyan was a good woman. She was nice and warm-hearted and treated everyone well, but she had a flaw that angered Mr.Mou — she was unable to give him a son. Or any children at that. She lost over five children before they were born, and Mr.Mou grew impatient and would often drink a lot, a lot more than he did before. He never allowed Lady Yiyan to grieve or heal because he wanted to try again and again and again, even if it was against her own will. And finally, she was pregnant, a pregnancy that lasted longer blessed by our gods up high. Her belly grew, her breast tender, her feet swollen and she ate twice her size... but then one night... Mr.Mou came home drunk. He accused her of sleeping with another to conceive this child. And...."

"And what?"

"And beat her to death. Killing both her and her unborn child."

Her...and her unborn child?

My hand clung to my chest and my fingers quaked. How come none of this crossed my mind? It was written RIGHT THERE in my face, yet I failed to put the pieces together. I should've suspected something the moment we never received another letter. The moment we received nothing from her for weeks and suddenly a large amount of money that grew smaller over time. How foolish I am — that we are for assuming it was nothing. 'She has a house to handle' mother said. 'she is a wife and hopefully a mother now, she has no time for letters. Let us just enjoy what she has been sending us' mother said. 'We have nothing to offer her. It is normal for a child to grow from their family, but as long as she doesn't forget her home, then I am blessed to know she is living well' mother said.

Again. And again. And again, she always had something to say. Did she not suspect something was wrong too? Or was she trying to protect us from a truth she imagined to come over time? And foolishly, I believed her. We all did. With children and busy with her well-living life to nothing but a caged spirit wanting to be let free.

But I was wrong, mother was wrong too.

I turn to the maid on her knees begging for forgiveness, explaining how good of a woman Yiyan was and how well she served her and that if were she say anything Mr.Mou would have her killed. She has a family of her own, a family she must provide for as well. I wasn't going to hurt her, I never was. I have no use for a maid who did as told and her pleading voice grew agitating, so I let her go. She doesn't hesitate to scramble off the ground and run, heeding my warning with caution; If you tell anyone you saw me here, I will haunt down you and your family.

This is between Mr.Mou and I.

No one lies in this dreadful place but Mr.Mou. He allowed everyone to leave early and they won't be back till late morning, as the maid informed.

I found an old knife near an unfinished wooden carving that was to be made into a small bird. This must have been something a maid or Yiyan was working on. I'd like to believe it was Yiyan's, something she was making to give to her unborn child to cherish and comfort them when she wasn't around and hid the uncarved piece in my dress.

There he lies, old and peacefully in bed, not one sense picking up my presence or the slightest creek of the door pulling open. And it angers me. How dare he close his eyes with the confidence of waking up to see the morning sun and live out his old days until he rusts away having lived his blissful life in harmony.

As I crept closer to him, the more prominent the lingered scent of alcohol seeps the air. I could laugh at how small and weak Mr.Mou appeared beneath me. All this power men are given over women and their bodies and their emotions and their place in life, but the moment they close their eyes to rest is when they are left vulnerable. No words to wield the power behind their lips. No threat to seek out and kill behind their eyes. And no use and will to move under the sheets of their warm covers keeping them cuddled, you then can finally see them as human. Blood, bones, flesh and all. Nothing more or less but a human that can die as one too.

I can't imagine how many nights Yiyan has stood over his bed with a knife raised above her head hesitant to let it fall. How scared she must have been all here alone, miles away from home from anyone to come to her rescue. But rest no more, Yiyan, I will give you the justice you seek and release your bound to this house to finally find peace in your next life.

Because he doesn't deserve another chance and he doesn't deserve to walk on this earth a saint.

The knife is held above my head. There is no fear in my eyes, no reason to regret or talk myself out of a good deed that must happen. "May we never meet again in our next life and may Yiyan live a better one away from you."

Seconds later, the knife pierced down in a flame.

Like lightening, Mr.Mou jolted upwards from his bed with a gasp and his hand clutched on the wet fabric of blood pouring through his fingers of his lower abdomen. Heavy eyelids and still dazed, he finally notices my presence but not my face, having no time to think of what's to come, he attempted to crawl off the bed, but I flung him on his back and stabbed him again. This time higher in his chest and continued to do so until he can no longer make a sound or slush his words of prayer, until I have satisfied my rage and dropped to my knees where his blood stains.

I could laugh at how easy killing a person was, or I could continue swallowing down that churn that kept forcing its way up my throat and savor the moment while it lasted.

But I felt sick. Like there was something wrong with me, sick.

I just killed someone with no regret for it, but I still felt sick and disgusted with myself. With the mess I made and his lifeless eyes watching me choke down the liquid burning up. Sure, I've killed before, but he wasn't attacking me. There was no sword in his hand able to create the distance of a quick careless kill. Different from watching Lienna brutally slaughter those men in my eyes. There is no one around to share the thrill or guilt with as it was before — I was by myself and forced to watch every detail of his death, remembering the shluk sound of the knife breaking through his skin, the warm blood gushing from his punctured wounds, splattered everywhere which stained my hands and my clothes and now my face.

I gagged.

But nothing comes out. I forced it back down.

I've been here too long. The sun could come up any minute now. Someone could've heard or came to visit and might find me here. The maid could betray me and send guards out for me. Someone might notice I'm not in bed or anywhere to be found in MeiHua.

I pushed to my feet finding it hard to breathe the moment fear crashes my train of thought, but there's no time to think or time for fear, I need to leave before anyone catches me here or notice the mess I've made on myself. I stumbled out the front gates foolishly leaving a red print on the door, hearing signs of people heading in my direction so I ran in the opposite direction to wherever I can go to get away from here.

I ran as fast as I could to a nearby corner, but barely rounded before I was rammed onto the ground by a bystander who was heading in the opposite direction. The person failed to react faster to catch me before I fell and by reflex, I grabbed onto the person to avoid falling in which they fell with me. Hard on my back I crashed, a rough air of breath forces its way up my lungs as the weight of the stranger's crushed my air supply landing on top of me.

"Huang Fei?" The stranger questions as they lifted their head to see me clearly.

"Mo Lian Tan?"

We were both surprised to see each other. I haven't spoken to him since that day with Su Tan, and though I suspected him to return someday to bother me, he never came. So it was a bit surprising to see him now. Especially after what I've done.

Of what he now sees too.

he noticed the red stain on my face, following down my chest and then my clothes his eyes captured.  His gaze filled with concerned, but I only wished he'd lift himself from me. "W-what — " his head twitched as if he heard something approaching and when I looked to see, I was pulled by my arm to my feet and dragged into the corner I was running for.

"What are you doing — " I was pushed against the wall. It didn't hurt but it was hard and unexpected. Just as much as his hand over my mouth shh'ing me was too.

He was looking in the direction where we fell. "Be quiet. Someone is coming." His hand remained.

My breath hitched the moment his body pressed against mines. I could taste the sweat and dirt from his hand and I could smell a masculine scent mixed with sweat that was quite unique and different from Zian. While Mo Lian Tan is looking towards where we fell, I had nowhere else to look at but him. Even when straining my eyes to see what he saw, he filled most of my view.

I never had a man this close to me besides Zian and it felt weird and many other words I couldn't express. I could see everything up close. The brownness in his eyes. The small prick of hairs growing around his chin, few curled. A beauty mark under his left eye. And many small details I haven't noticed or cared to notice yet.

I closed my eyes shut when I heard voices passing by. It was at least 3 people and they sounded like guards because of the conversation they carried and the clacking of their armor and opened my eyes once he drops his hand.

"What the hell has happened? Are you hurt?"

And then I'm pulled back to remembering Yiyan and the blood of Mr.Mou and that ache in my heart that wishes to release. "It's not my blood." My lip quivered but no tears yet.

He paused, making sense of what I said and asked calmly but carefully. "Then whose blood is it?"

I don't answer. He knows why I can't, or at least he acknowledges it's someone I don't want him to know of and I'm sure he is thinking the worse of me. Probably even scared at the amount of blood that has stained me, but —

I'm taken by surprise when he took me by my hand.

"Come on," he tugs to make me follow him.

But I pull back my arm with a gasped. I'm very confused about him. "Where are you taking me? I can't come with you, I don't know you. I must get back before someone notices I'm gone." I tell him.

"You are covered in blood from top to bottom and it's not even yours. I don't know how murder or whatever happened works back home where you are from, but they take murder quite seriously here especially when the attacker is a woman. You could be hung or worse for your crimes whether you did it or not, so unless you don't want that to happen, then come with me. Either you come or I drag you with me, but you will come. And quickly please."

What choice do I have? It's already too late for me to rewind time or run or repent for my crimes. And even if I do, I don't know my way around this city. I have yet ventured the roads since I've been focused on Yiyan's whereabouts and could run into guards just about anywhere. I was supposed to be cautious of this man and now I was letting him help me? Giving him something he can use against me in the future? What choice do I have?

None.

There is no other choice for me to take.

Unless it is with him.

I'm breathing heavily for some reason. "Okay." While frantically nodding. "Okay, I'll come.  I will go, I will go with you."

•••••

I'm sure a lot of us was suspecting the outcome of Yiyan to be not so good.  At least somewhat of her justice has been served.

And  Mo Lian Tan finally shows himself again....wonder what role he's up to now