"Zian?"

I blinked a few times, unable to wrap my head around his sudden appearance. Besides being yet so utterly happy to see him, I had many questions. How did he get here so fast? How did he know where we resigned?

But many of those questions vanish from my brain the second his lips crashed unexpectedly against mines. Gripping his strong hand around the back of my neck catches my stumble and helps control his movement on me. It was too quick to process, my heart beating through the tips of my fingers, and I closed my eyes and give myself into the feeling of lust over my love that alternates my true intentions.

Feeling him this close to me, in my warmth, in his, against my lips passionately taking me as his and following his soft movement, reminds me once again of my affections that grow for him by day. And just in this moment, I had forgotten all that was bothering me about him. All his secrets, his deepest thoughts of me, and everything else that was off-putting — it all disappeared.

I want him. And worst of all, I truly do think I love him or that I'm beginning to like him a lot more than I did a few days ago.

I just didn't know if he saw me more than just a mutual friend in this marriage. But this kiss, this kiss we shared was telling me otherwise. But if I'm honest, either of us could've died so this could be a simple 'I'm glad you're not dead' kiss and not 'I think I love you' kiss.

He pulls from my lips, brushing softly and delicately, long enough that he could inhale my hasty breath, my nose lifting to rub his as our lips touched again. Laying another kiss, a coldness of air breezes between us, but he remains near. "I'm glad you're safe," A metal taste sinks between his lips that he touches to inspect. His eyes are back at me, flustered and probably foolishly swaying. "Did I do that? I'm sorry. I must've gotten a bit carried away."

Still in space, I asked, "Did what?" He gestures at my face, a smile tugging his lips. And then I snapped out of it when I tasted it too. Blood. When did this happen? I looked to Zhao Ji, avoiding our direction the same as Gui during the kiss. It must've happened when we fought each other. "It's okay. It doesn't hurt, I promise."

His gaze narrowed with a thought but his smile stayed. And he noticed my clothing, smiling even more.

Still flustered and hot, I stood there. My eyes lingered on his round lips, craving to feel them again. It was just him I wanted to feel and the more I thought about it, the more a sickening feeling fills my lower abdomen, compressing my muscles and sending a signal between my legs which forces my thighs to clench shut. I looked away, abashed.

I went around Zian to greet Gui since he had nothing to add and stood there. Gui also fought along Zian's side risking his life for mines and did so without question. I never shared a full conversation with Gui since he was rarely around for me to chat with him and when he was, he'd be at Zian's side and never leave. Most times I feel as if Gui and Zian shared some kind of bond which would explain Gui never leaving his side because I have never seen a man of his age follow around someone younger unless he needed help. Maybe he was here for the same reason as Zhao Ji?

Feeling my presence, he stood from leaning on the wall turned away and faces me correctly. "I'm glad for your safe return Gui, and keeping both you and Zian safe," I told him. He acknowledges my response with a smile then a nod. He doesn't talk much. To me, at least. "You're not hurt are you?"

"No injuries." He stood in a way for me to see him thoroughly. And he looked perfectly fine. However, as he answered, he flashed Zian a glance then back to me his gaze narrowed.

I followed him the second he looked away, back to Zian pouring himself a cup of alcohol when he should've been drinking water, paying no mind to the conversation we were having as he was chatting lowly with Zhao Ji. But as I stared at him more, my hand flung to my mouth with a gasp when I noticed the hiss and the jolted muscle when picking up the vase to pour more alcohol.

"Zian are you hurt?" I was by his side, my tone filled with concern.

With her brows furrowed, Zhao Ji inspects him. "You are," She confirms.

It was his arm. Dried blood sinking beneath the arm of his shirt that I wouldn't have noticed if Gui didn't point it out or if I was paying more attention to him than his lips.

I touched his arm lightly at which he hisses. "Zian, you're hurt."

"Barley."

He avoids the worry in my tone and drinks down his cup.

"It's wrapped, so you must've bled a lot. Does it hurt?"

"It's very small, Peizhi. I've borne worse wounds than this, so this is nothing." It was easy to tell he was rather agitated from my worry and didn't want to be pressured or talked about, bothered because I simply cared. But when his gaze suddenly met mines no matter how hard he tried to avoid them, his eyes soften and he sighs lowly. "I promise, I am alright." He takes my hand in his. "It's just a small slash and it's not infected so I will survive. You know it takes a lot for me to be cut down."

I smiled, grateful he's here with me and not buried beneath my feet.

The woman soon came with our food and there Zhao Ji and I ate filling our bellies with warm cooked food and fresh buns before it was time to finally rest our bodies. Zian and I took the bed as he wanted while Zhai Ji and Gui were given the room they bought before coming here, but as I laid there in bed, facing the door, I could see a shadow beneath the cracks. At first, I was scared. But after seeing the shadow there for a long while and never moved, I knew they weren't going to hurt us.

I turned to lay on my back and stared at the ceiling in silence. For some reason I couldn't sleep though my body begged for rest. I just laid there watching particles move into odd shapes and appear as if the ceiling was moving too.

"Zian," softly, I called his name. "Are you asleep?"

I waited for a reply I didn't get, and so I continued to stare at the ceiling and fill my head with many thoughts.

But then shortly after, a low hum leaves his lips. "No,"

"You can't sleep either, can you?"

"No."

He turns on his side to face me, watching me with those eyes that could kill me where I stood. As usual, he was dressed down to his trousers, the cloth wrapped around his arm is noticeable and it didn't look bad. I was fully dressed in case a moment came where I would have to leave quickly.

"Why can't you sleep?" Asked Zian. "Thinking too much?"

"I'm always thinking too much."

He props himself on his elbow and looks down at me. His fingers are back to playing with my hair, curling the ends of my hair that couldn't make it in the braid around his finger. "Well, would you like to talk about it?"

"Right now?"

He smiles. "Yes, it's not like we're sleeping any time soon so we might as well talk, unless," my breath hitched in my throat at the feeling of his finger trailing down my chest. He looks at me, watching my body react to his finger traveling between my breast. And he gets lower, the hairs on my arms spike, my thighs clenches and that same weird feeling in my stomach and between my legs grows back. But he stops at my hips, I frustratedly huffed. "You would rather do something more physical?"

My hand cups his warm, soft cheek. His eyes brought me much comfort looking in them. Dreamy and candid, filled with emotions I couldn't identify. Fear, lust, lonesome, love. There's a mystery in those eyes of his, a story I can't find and a story he hasn't told me yet. I let my fingers brush his lips, letting my thumb be the last to linger before I dropped my hand.

"Zian," he was about to answer before being taken aback from my embrace. My arm locked around his waist. "Can you hold me?"

"Come here,"

Without hesitation, he then sits up with his back against the wall where he pulls me onto his lap. For me to sit comfortably I placed both my thighs on the outer part of his legs and cradled myself on him, resting my head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. He pulls me closer, breathing in my scent as I breathed his.

"Why do you ask me to hold you?" His breath tickles my neck. "Is this something you desire to do with me? Or is there something bothering me that you haven't shared yet? Or do you just miss me?"

I hold him tighter.

"I do miss you, but I wish moments like this when we're alone and not hiding away from a war general, would never end. When I'm here, in your arms, I feel safe. I don't feel afraid and I don't have worries. And I don't feel alone." I pull away to see his eyes before continuing. "Will you hold me whenever I feel alone and scared and worrisome?"

"As long as you want."

His smile is contagious that I hated myself for letting it possess me too. And I chuckle when he does. And I touch him when he does, tightly pulling me in his warmth. And he returns the kisses I lay on his shoulder that he marks in the crook of my neck. And just below my ear, gently, I could feel the moisture from the inside of his lips on my skin and I was going to faint in his arms.

A soft moan leaves my lips, exposing more of my neck that he kisses slowly up to my chin. I lowered my head to find his lips but they were on my cheek, my eyes, my brows, my nose and everywhere else but my lips. Giggling as if I were a child being picked up in my father's arms and spun against the green-leafed wind, I pulled away from his affections. Zian laughed. It was a beautiful laughter showing all his teeth that carried my heart in his.

And yea, in that moment, in this very moment with Zian as we shared a cheerful laugh, I knew what I wanted. At least from him, I did.

"Zian I — I think I — " I paused.

He played with my fingers, and lift to kiss me. "You what?"

"Well, I'm not entirely sure exactly and it's still very new to me. And I know this isn't what we agreed on in the beginning. However, I think, or feel as if I do l-l — " I tried again to finally tell him how I feel, but the word 'love' or 'like' or 'fond' wouldn't leave my lips.

I was scared. Doubtful, even. What if I tell him how I feel and he doesn't feel the same way? We're married, yes, and nothing can go wrong with that because he can't exactly turn me away, but he does have every right to not return these feelings I felt for him. There were many loveless marriages only together for their children, their duty to their families, and their reputation. And I didn't want that with Zian; I wanted a real marriage with real love and authentic feelings. But I didn't want to ruin my chance. Not to mention, there's something Zian's been keeping from me that he shared with Zhao Ji.

And so I shook my head and hugged him instead. "I'm very worried about something and it's making me very confused. Can you — can you help me avoid it?"

"Avoid it how?"

"Just...just hold me for a bit longer. Until I sleep maybe?"

We adjust ourselves until Zian was down on his back with my head pressed on his chest, listening to his calming heartbeat. Zian stretched his arm around me and I'd brush my thumb back and forth against his skin before we rested.

The next morning when I came back from washing myself up and dressed in another pair of men's clothing Zhao Ji must've stolen again, I came back to our room ready to eat, only to come back to Gui finally speaking a lot more than he did.

"What do you suggest we do?" It was clear he was speaking to Zian and Zhao Ji since she left me alone after walking me to the small bathhouse. I stood near the door with my ear slightly pressed to hear their conversation, hoping the sun wouldn't make out my shadow. "It's clear he will not stop until she is dead. He might spare you since he is good friends with Scholar Jing Lei."

"But I also killed his men so he might as well add me to his list."

Zhao Ji adds. "Well, we can't stay here forever. And it's not like we can blend in with the crowd either."

She's right. If I was paler maybe we could pick a spot to stay at for a long time and blend, but we couldn't. And honestly speaking, I was better off dead than alive.

Zian thinks about this before speaking. "We'll move south, to Changqiu as planned." He said in a stern tone.

"Changqiu near the imperial city?" Gui exclaimed.

Gui continued to speak but it was in a lower tone that I couldn't pick up anything besides small words such as 'wear nothing', 'enter the city', 'War General', and 'many spies. Not safe'. Though all they could think of was fear and death, I thought of my sister and finally being able to see her after many long years. I pictured her with many children running around, long healthy hair with many ornaments to style with, a slim figure with perky breast and maybe mother's round cheeks. She would still be beautiful no matter her age and hopefully thrilled to see me once again in her life.

My ears tuned in towards the end of Gui's pleading monologue, hearing words I never thought I'd hear a man of his age tell Zian. "...you are my first priority — you know I would die for you in any given time, but we must think rationally. Not about her, but you. Zian, you are like a son to me and forgive my place and choice of words, but you are what matters most and I would put you first before I would her."

A slight pain pinged my heart. I shouldn't be surprised and I barely knew Gui to begin with, but it hurts hearing it directly behind my back while in my face, he smiles and pretends to enjoy my presence when all he wanted was for me to be slathered like sheep so Zian is spared from my problems. It makes me wonder how many people I've been nice to who have returned that kindest to only deceive me and see me as simply a scapegoat.

Zian sighed. "I know you would. You both would and I appreciate your loyalty more than anything especially in times such as this, but..." He trails on his words. "But I have a duty as a husband too. And I made a promise that I will try to keep."

"You cannot possibly think that way now, your — Zian? Have you forgotten what this was for? What you said this was for? Our original plan was for you to — "

"You can stop snooping around and enter." The room suddenly grew quiet after Zhao Ji outed me during the plan I was trying to listen for through this thin-like door.

I don't understand what any of it meant and my brain was no bigger to comprehend the sense of his choosing, but what my brain did put together was something that didn't make sense at all. And I wanted to run away from the room and pretend I didn't hear anything but it was already too late, so I mustered enough courage and entered the room.

Upon my arrival, both Gui and Zian stood to face me. Zhao Ji was the only one who was facing the door I entered and stayed seated with a sly smile on her face. Gui sort of shifted himself to avoid my gaze but greeted me as usual. Zian watched me closely as if he was trying to see which way my next move would go, which would determine if I heard what was said or I didn't. And I had two choices; One, fully admit I heard the conversation and would like an explanation. Or Two, play dumb and let it unfold itself the more I find out.

Taking both choices into consideration, I chose only one. Flushing away any signs of evidence, a shameful smile then paints my face and I become the girl I was to become; pure, innocent, and well-behaved. "Why is everyone standing? You haven't even eaten your food yet. Were you waiting for me to come?" I asked in a playful tone.

Zian must've believed it which was all I needed, since he sat back down. "We were, yes." I take my seat which is across from Gui. He greeted me once more but his eyes were still lowered. "Did you just get here?"

I waste no time, eating at my food and stuffing my mouth but not too much that it would appear as I was eating to shadow my feelings and all their stares. But enough that I was hungry, and I was very hungry.

I shook my head. "I did, but as I was coming there seemed to be a disagreement so I wasn't sure if I could enter at the moment." Zhao Ji met my gaze. She said nothing but stared. I looked back at my food and ate. "What were you discussing?"

"We were discussing our next travel."

I lifted my head. "And where's that?"

"Changqiu."

At his response, Gui opened his mouth to say something only for him to keep quiet when Zian shot him a glare. Like a puppy, he heeded. Zian didn't think I caught that, but I did and it was strange. I have never seen an old man without an opinion on something he didn't agree with. My only guess was Zian. He must have something on him or he knew something he wasn't supposed to know that made him obey. Whatever it was, I wanted to know.

Gui's a nice man, but anyone who sees me as a sheep isn't the company I want to keep around. Someone like him would do anything to make any problem go away no matter the cost or guilt he will bare, and since I was the root of this problem, I wasn't safe around him.

Ignoring him, I played my part. "My sister lives there. Will we be staying with her?"

"No, actually there is a much safer place for you that won't involve your sister at all and will keep you safe indefinitely." He continued. "You might've heard of the place from Lienna or Zhao Ji, a well-known school called House of MeiHua."

Zhao Ji blinked. Gui's eyes widen.

I've only heard Lienna mention the school once but it was in a conversation that wasn't for me to hear, but I did because I was there with her as she was speaking. She only mentioned the name and never once what it was about and where it was located, until Zian just now.

"Do you think this is wise?" Zhao Ji injects.

"She wouldn't survive there," Gui added.

I looked at Zian as we all did. "Isn't it just a school?" I asked softly. I don't understand the uprise if it was just a normal school.

"Are you questioning my judgment?" Clenching his jaw, Zian accused. His eyes darkened and he grew visually defensive.

Gui backed down. "Of course not, I — "

"Then don't say another word." At that, Gui sits there like a muted puppy, head lowered, lips pressed tightly. When looking to Zhao Ji for another word, she says nothing. And when he looks at me, the darkness softens and he puts himself together again. "I gave it a lot of thought, and MeiHua is the best choice for now. The school has no association with anyone else but themselves and the greater of their beliefs which means it will be the least suspicious place General Wang would suspect Peizhi to be."

"And what of the spies?" Gui spoke cautiously. "Not for General Wang,"

"Nothing will lead back. MeiHua is a place we can trust as you know, and Peizhi will have a plausible story so no one will suspect a thing if everything goes as planned and no one messes up."

He didn't have to look my way for me to know the last part was meant for me. And he's right, this is the only chance I have to survive and prove I'm not the cause of problems but a trustworthy wife who will stay alive for as long as I can. And so, I can't fail him or myself this time.

Frankly speaking, I was very excited to attend this school. Maybe this could be the chance my family couldn't give me and learn how to read and write properly and extend my knowledge much further. As I was told, knowledge is power and power is everything. I'd also like to write a letter in my handwriting to send home and not with the help of another but from me.

And as I imagine the many opportunities I will have, another problem crept on my shoulder.

"Why are you only speaking of me?" I wondered. "Aren't you coming to Changqiu too?"

Given the situation, both Zhao Ji and Gui left the table to give us space to conversate.

With his eyes narrowed, Zian gathered my hand into his which told me what I needed without words. "Unfortunately, I will not be able to come with you. MeiHua is a school that doesn't permit the presence of men inside their grounds, but Zhao Ji will accompany you along the way so you won't be alone completely." He tried to lighten the mood but stopped when he saw it wasn't working.

"But you will be in the city, right?" My gaze alters between him and Gui since Gui knew more than I did and his expression answered my question quite clearly. "You...you won't, will you?" It wasn't a question; it was frustration and fear and love. It kept getting in the way, disappointing me before I disappointed myself.

"No, I won't. I have something that needs to be taken care of." He grabbed ahold of my hand when he felt it drop and tried lifting my head that wouldn't go any higher. He scoots closer. "But I will be back, I'll come back to you in one piece. And when I do, we won't have to hide anymore. You'll live comfortably in any home you choose and you'll have the freedom to do as you please. And maybe your family can come visit as well. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Maybe a part of me was happy I didn't tell him how I feel but another part of me was selfish and wanted to tell him every and anything he wanted to hear that would make him stay. Beg him to stay even, but he wouldn't stay even if I begged. He will do what he wants no matter my opinion so I have to let him go.

I fought back the need to cry. As frustrated and lonesome I was, I shouldn't make myself a fool and cry for sympathy. "How long will you be away for?" After calming myself down, I asked.

He ran his fingers through his thick hair with a sigh and leaned back a bit. He thought of his answer, carefully and timid. My eyes on him could've made him nervous if he didn't drift away for a moment, but he kept my hand in his which felt slightly sweaty. His head cocked; brows rose; lips pulled beneath his teeth.

And he looks to me with a final answer. A look I didn't like.

"About a few months or so."

And there, my heart broke. Not completely broken but designed in millions of cracks that were too strong to fall, and once again, I felt alone. Lost in love that would kill me one day.

••••••••••

This chapter was something. I hope there weren't many grammar errors but since this book is a draft , there's bound to be some. Anyways, you guys are gonna hate me, but