Hopefully I edited it well, I'll check back to it later sometime since I'm busy
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I was unsure why, but Zhao Ji's words have been stuck to me like wet rice. There was no way I could get it out my head, and when I thought sleeping would drain it out, I would find myself dreaming of her words vividly to where I am forced to wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat; and I would then think to myself as my husband lies next to me in peaceful resting, 'Am I sin? Who am I really?'

And I would look at myself in the mirror as I was now, peering at every corner and angle of my brown face, inspecting my body with my fingers for any dramatic changes. And then — for a very long time now — I bore into my lost gaze as if an answer would magically appear the longer and harder I stared, deafening the world around me as my outer vision blurs black. You are a sin riding next to the devil.

"Peizhi?" There was a sudden snap behind me that shook me out my dark pit of gloom. I looked over in the mirror to find Zian standing near the bed with a concerning look and his fingers up from snapping. He was dressed to his trouser which revealed his slightly tanned body, his robe in his hands mid-way from pulling onto his broad shoulders and his hair free from its usual style.

It took me a second to realize he had called my name beside the fact that I was already looking at him. Not once, but a few times now and it still hadn't registered until my surroundings came into play. "Yes?" I only replied.

He continued to put on his robe and tied it. "I've been calling your name for a minute now but it seems there's something more important on your mind?"

Remembering what I was doing before my brain fizzled beyond its world, I picked up my comb and began to comb through my thick curls that struggled to stay put. Even the comb was a struggle to use to detangle my hair, which was why I normally braided my hair before sleeping to make the process easier, but I was so tired last night I forgot to do so. "Sorry, I was just," I tried to think of something quick to cover my true reason. "just thinking."

"I can see that," He stood next to me, watching my muscles flex from the amount of nagging I forced onto the comb to run thoroughly. "And what's on your mind that's been bothering you? Has something happened recently? My mother?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm — I just miss home. My mother, my brothers, and everyone."

Though it wasn't what I was thinking about at the moment, I have been since leaving home. I feared the longer I'm away from home, the longer I spend in this household, is the more I will forget my mother's smile and the taste of her cooking and her loving words. I feared I would one day forget her face, the day I finally grasp a chance to face her that I wouldn't recognize her. The only thing I could remember was her smell; an earthy smell that smelt of the trees in spring, a light scent of honey and home. Her scent brought me home and I never want to lose it.

With no way of cheering my homesickness, Zian only gave a comforting touch, his eyes following the movements of the comb through my hair. "My father is coming home today from his trip west of Guangzou. Nainai wants to hold dinner tonight upon his arrival." He informed me.

"Is my presence welcomed tonight?"

"Of course, you are my wife, are you not?"

I smiled. "I am."

His hand gently touched my lower back. "Then get ready soon," He told me. "I will be back before then."

A lingering thought came to mind as Zian removed his hand from my lower back and headed out to leave, a thought that kept eating me alive. It was the same thought that forced me to seal my lips shut by biting gently — not gnarling — on the inside of my mouth being pulled in between to keep me from venting utterly. Though Zian cared for free-range and an honest marriage between us both, there were still boundaries to be respected. Boundaries I was taught to respect. And because Zian was a man, I wouldn't dare burden him with my nagging thoughts and seem mouthy and selfish towards his problems he must be facing alone. And because he was my husband, there was no need for him to listen to me and seem irritating and an unbalanced wife.

But just as his footsteps were heard leaving out the door, I placed down my comb and quickly rushed to where he was. "Zian," I called out his name, unable to hold it in anymore. If I must seem mouthy, selfish, irritable, and crossed my boundaries as a wife, then so be it. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

He stopped before he exited and turned to face me with a soft 'Mm'.

My head lowered a bit once meeting his gaze. "What do you think of me?" My thumbs pinched at each other and my voice lowered mid-way through my question into a soft mumble.

Giving by my nervy character and the need to avoid direct eye-contact, Zian closed the door behind him and stepped forward. "What exactly do you mean?" His thick eyebrow raised.

"I-I've been curious of the person I want to become in the future," Carelessly beginning to babble, I had almost forgotten who I was speaking to. "As your wife, of course."

He opened his mouth to release an 'Ah' sound at the shake of his head, as if he knew the real reason behind my words or he was understanding where I was coming from. Either way, he must've known it wasn't about me being his wife or, did he? "As my wife, I see. Continue."

"Yes...yes! And I've been thinking about your words and other distant words I've received and became confused between the woman I am and the woman I want to be, as your wife, of course. And I've suddenly become afraid of the future and what might happen, seeing I have no ability to look any further from now." Pacing myself back and forward, I see Zian and force myself to come to my point. "I don't know, I'm just ranting on and I'm sure I've confused you. But I guess I just wanted to know what you think of me. Of my character, as your wife, or just a person?"

"You must have been thinking pretty hard on this subject, long enough that it's making you question yourself and that's okay. It tends to happen the longer you let your mind dwell on these thoughts." Zian continued seconds after. "I believe no one truly knows who they are even when they think they have it all figured out, there will always be lingering doubts. There are many of our elders who are still figuring out their place in the world. And it's okay to fear a future you haven't reached yet, because that fear can sometimes lead you onto the path you need to follow. Even I must admit open heartily that I'm afraid of my future nor have I figured out myself completely. Sometimes it takes time, but most times it takes a push. You can't find yourself sitting here thinking on it in fear of the next day, you must do it with the mindset of turning that fear into courage and keep going. As my wife, of course."

I thought he was finished speaking until he added, "And for my thoughts of you as my wife or just a person, I think you are a thoughtful woman with many quaintly thoughts. A timid woman who I can see is slowly breaking out of that shell with baby steps. And, and a — " He breathed in. " — a pretty woman with an appealing personality and a very heart-warming smile and unique hair."

"Do you have any negative thoughts of me?" I was quick to ask.

Raising his brow in a thinking manner, Zian then shook his head. "Truthfully speaking, I have none. Or at least any I can think of for the time being, but I would like for you to ease your mind from these corrupted thoughts and live for now rather than the future."

With that, Zian took his leave.

And after that, my hand pressed lightly over my chest where my heart thudded, suddenly skipping a different beat than before because when I was either flustered or nervous. This rhythm felt abnormal to my body, this rush feeling of nerves numbing my muscles, a feeling that was difficult to be characterized by words but enough that I knew the reasoning of this strange reaction within my body — because of Zian. This couldn't be love. Though I knew nothing of love and have never felt it before, I knew it wasn't.

After marriage, both Zian and I both agreed that we were not obligated to love each other if love wasn't there. That we would take this marriage day-by-day starting as friends and if there was love then so it shall be, but if there wasn't, it wouldn't get in the way of us performing our duties as husband and wife. But what was this feeling I was experiencing?

With him, I felt safe and secure. Listening to his words of wisdom, I've begun to admire the sound of his voice — smooth like honey and gentle like the alluring sound of a Pipa. While lying beside him, I would find myself waiting till he's deep asleep to adore his angelic features and the calming sound of his breathing to see his heart alleviate through his chest. And when he was gone, I would feel lonesome and I would yearn for his safe return in order to refill it as soon as I hear him enter the door.

I gasped. This was a much similar feeling Gho explained to me once and a feeling Lienna expressed through her stories. Maybe it is love that I'm feeling? But if it was, why did I not feel like it was love? I mean, how would I know if I've never experienced it before? Which was true, but what I did know, was that I was beginning to like him a lot.

The time came for when it was time to get ready for the family dinner Wàipó wanted to hold for the return of Zian's father from his long journey. I don't know much about him but from what I've heard, Zian's father was a fine Scholar who goes by Scholar Jing Lei, who as well taught in many schools. He was once even recognized by the Dowager Empress by his exceptional knowledge and was gifted to teach at his own school, of which I've heard was in the process of building. It also meant we were probably going to move closer to the school or stay while his father left.

The dinner was being held in the main quarters of our conserved compound, an area I was never to visit. Because of that reason, I was astounded at the view of servants setting the table with tasteful dishes to eat from. I was never attended to in the way Lady Xiaomeng and Wàipó were, even forgetting how rich this family was to even have servants working for them. I had no one but myself, and even while being here, I saw no one but myself.

And it was sort of funny as I thought about it; if there was ever a day to come where I'd be tortured to list all the names and faces of people I've seen entering and leaving this compound, I would know not one person or face and name outside of this family.

"Father," As soon as Zian bowed to greet his father who blocked my view of seeing him, my gaze snatched from the servant locking hold of my contact and followed Zian's gesture. While bowing, a little too far down, my forehead had softly smacked against his backside, of which quickly throwing my hand to my forehead and stood after he did.

I'm sure no one else noticed, but Zian did. A fainted smile was found on his face when slightly turning his head.

Someone stood from the table to their feet, heavily walking until they were in front of Zian. "My son," It was his father, Mr.Xiaomeng. By his gravelly voice, he was old. Not older than Wàipó, but old enough that if I were to just hear his voice, as I was now, I could tell he was a father of strong sons. That he was someone who people listened to if needed someone old enough to advise them, and he had great diction as needed to be a scholar. "You look even manlier than the last I have seen you. Please sit. The food is getting cold. I've also heard you've found yourself a wife? Pity I missed the wedding."

Lady Xiaomeng clenched her jaw at the sight of me once Zian moved to be seated. Wàipó waited patiently to eat, happy we both received her invitation and came. Mr.Xiaomeng bent at his knees to step back down, his wife helping him with care. I followed Zian and sat next to him, crossing my legs in front of me as he did.

"I have found myself a wife. Her name is Xiaomeng Peizhi and she's a fine wife and woman." Despite my nerves eating at me and fearing to have Zian's father, my father, against me as mines was once before or still was secretly, he still managed to make me feel buttered up inside.

Mr.Xiaomeng took his spot comfortably in his pressed robe and lifted his head. Once lifting his head, there was nothing but pure silence within the air and no one dared to speak. My gaze remained on the food sitting in front of me; a warm bowl of wheat noodles, grilled chicken, small portions of rice, and wine made of rice. I've had many of these dishes before but not in the same way it was made or the different rich flavors that were embedded.

I wasn't staring at the food because I was hungry — though I was, and I had even prepared my stomach to eat well tonight — it was because if I were to look up at this very moment, I would then have to subconsciously accept the awkward silence was caused by no other but me. Even if I were to move an inch, I would see Mr.Xiaomeng's eyes burning right through my soul. Was it shock? Was it curiosity? Was it perhaps disgust?

Zian was the first to speak by clearing his throat. "Shall we eat?" He scooted closer to the table.

"Yes, I'm starving." Wàipó encouraged when picking up on her grandson's attempt.

Everyone begins to eat at their food. It took me seconds after convincing myself the problem wasn't me until I was able to pick up my chopsticks and begin eating.

And everyone was eating, but one person. "This is your wife?" The loath was clear within his questioning.

"Yes," Zian dryly confirmed. He, as everyone else, could feel the tension grow discomfiting, and tried his best to change the subject. "Father, eat. You've had such a long journey traveling home, you must be fam —"

"And what do your parents do?" Mr.Xiaomeng continued, ignoring his son's wishes.

I would've choked on my food if I had taken a bite, but luckily stopped myself feeling another misshapen would rise. But I wasn't expecting any question about my parent's background to be asked. I would've guessed by now that Mr.Xiaomeng would have already known so much about me beforehand seeing how his wife were good friends with my mother, but hearing how serious and stern his question sounded, Lady Xiaomeng didn't speak with him in the way I did with Zian. There was no kind of communication between them two but an obligated marriage, wealth, and Zian.

"Uh," I trailed off in hope Wàipó or anyone would jump in to save me, but no one didn't. They were all struck and quiet by Mr.Xiaomeng's authority, as I was too. But I was more scared of hurting Zian's pride. With me being born from farmers and even worse enough a bastard, it was nothing Zian or his family could boast about with their neighbors and friends. Though, he didn't seem the type to care for a perfect image, I cared. It was already embarrassing enough being married to me and I didn't want to add onto that.

It's okay to fear a future you haven't reached yet, because that fear can sometimes lead you onto the path you need to follow.

Zian was right. If I want to be the person I want to become — honest and true to myself— I must push myself towards it, not hide away and wait for the moment to come. Being a farmer's child shouldn't be something looked down upon and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed because of it. This is who I am so I shouldn't have to hide even despite my fear of hurting Zian's image to his father.

I lifted my head, not to Mr.Xiaomeng, but just lifted it to show my new becoming of a new person in the process. "They are farmers," I answered.

"Therefore they are poor?" His figure leaned back.

At his response, Zian gasped. "Father —"

"I am not speaking to you right now; I'm speaking to your wife." Backing down at his father's statement, Zian sent me a look of regret and worrisome. Was it regret for marrying me? Regret for accepting this marriage? Regret of my existence or for bringing me here? I bit on the insides of my cheek, pressing hard until I was able to taste a metallic taste sinking into my tastebuds. "Answer me!"

Lady Xiaomeng jumped to reach her hand over to calm his anger, but he wasn't going to calm down any further unless I give an answer. "Y — "

Giving me no chance to answer him fully, Mr.Xiaomeng removed his hand from his wife's and painted her rosy cheek with his handprint. The sound of his hand connecting to her face took me off guard, jumping as the sound cut me off. Wàipó gasped, covering her mouth at the frightful sight, though there was nothing she could possibly do to help her daughter seeing how their marriage wasn't any of her business. Zian, on the other hand, remained quiet. I couldn't tell what he was thinking nor the feelings he wanted to express upon his face, but his fist was visibly clenched as well as his jaw, adding a more definition along his structure.

"We agreed to find a wife suitable for our son, a promise you've given me before I left that I trusted you with. Someone who would benefit our family and his future sons and their sons fulfillable. Please inform me if I've forgotten, what does a farmer have to give to grow our family's wealth and their children's future? Crops during winter?"

"It was a common mistake. Forgive me" Glossy eyes and shaky voice, Lady Xiaomeng apologized. Her hand pressed to her burning cheek, sneering at her mother who tried to calm down the situation which didn't work.

Mr.Xiaomeng had more to say, and I had no choice but to listen.

"A common mistake should have never been made." He continued. "Mistakes don't often happen with you and I'm highly disappointed. Not even to mention the woman who's married my son is no simple woman at all or the woman I had in mind, but some...I can't recall what you call these... rare species."

Zian suddenly jumped to his feet, making his impact, at the same time I had risen to mines. Feeling me stand beside him, Zian looked over at me in the process of opening his mouth, his brows pulled together when seeing my figure pass him, heading over to Mr.Xiaomeng.

"What are you doing?" Zian whispered. He tried to grab me but failed as I dropped to my knees and lowered my head.

"I apologize." I began. "I should have never allowed myself to agree upon this marriage to your son given my background and appearance. I mean no harm and I don't mean to embarrass you in any kind of way you may feel I have. I understand you may see me as unworthy, dimwitted, and too low for your son, and maybe I am. In hope you may forgive me for those flaws, please understand my background and the way I may look does not shape who I am or who I will be."

"Peizhi, know your place girl." Lady Xiaomeng hissed.

Ignoring her, I continued. "But if you give me a chance, I will show you that I am just as worthy as any woman you had in mind to wed your son, that I will — that I am better than them all. I give you my word."

Amused by this offer and my sudden action, Mr.Xiaomeng ran his hand over his narrow-shaped beard, his brows thicker than Zian's with grey strands connecting his beard to his hair. "And how will you be able to do that?"

Opening my mouth to give an answer, a knock at the door and sight of one of the servants entering interrupted me mid-way. There was something in her hands, a folded paper stamped with a red seal I couldn't recognize nor read. Mr.Xiaomeng held out his hand to take whatever the maid announced she brought, giving me a second longer look before opening the message. While reading, I took the moment to look back at Zian. His jaw was no longer clenched and his fist was no longer tighten, and most of all, he was already looking at me. He seemed relaxed, his eyes lost in thought or he was pleased by my reply but showed no other actions expressing it.

I snapped back around when Mr.Xiaomeng spoke.

"We've been invited to a feast in the return of General Wang." He announced.

"When?" Asked Lady Xiaomeng.

"Two days from now." He sent the maid away, his eyes back on me. "We'll continue this conversation later." And stood to his flat, cracking feet. "Bring my food to my room. I have some letters needing to be sent out." He ordered his wife before leaving.

I turned to face Zian in the midst of his mother standing to scold me quickly before her husband notices her late absence, only to see a slight smirk inching his lips. This look was new on Zian, and it was dangerous. It felt dangerous and I had no clue what went on through that head of his. I never did.

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