"𝐃𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐄? 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐎𝐍?"

        I was as close as possible to the parlor, my back pressed against the wooden wall, quiet as a mouse. My little sister, Fen, stood beside me, her thick black strands messily braided back from her youthful face. Our nails were chipped and rimmed with dirt from helping Ba plant seeds and check our crops' progress in preparation for harvest season. A golden harvest, he said it would be. Certainly much better than the last harvest when half our crops brittle and had died out or were given to the imperial army, which left us with barely anything for the winter.

        Fen threw her hands on her hips and mocked the distressed woman with a sour expression, exactly how we imagined. Exaggerated and all. I covered my mouth to bite back my laughter, reminding her to stay quiet. She stuck out her tongue but listened anyway.

        It was rare to have guests over if not our neighbors bringing warm meals to share and wasting the day gossiping about the nobles in the city. No, this guest was different. Instead of arriving on horseback or by foot, a beautiful carriage strapped to well-bred steeds stood upfront our small house, and two women dressed in vibrant silks approached. They seemed sure this was their final destination.

        A farm out in the middle of nowhere.

        The last visit from such a stylish display was a royal decree sent to draft sons to fight the war west. My eldest brother, Li Wei was forced to leave home and fight the unknown for three years before his return period. Now he patrolled checkpoint villages from home.

        "I could never think any less of you, Lihua. I never have." Mother's voice was soft and cautious when addressing this woman. It meant this woman had more than enough power to rid our lives of everything we loved once threatened. "As dearest as you are, I am still the girl who feared lightning and hid under the sheets with you until the storm passed. The same girl who encouraged all of your endeavors and built toward your ambitions that gave you the life you have now. And here I thought you had forgotten all about me, my truest friend, until now after all these years. It is a pleasure to be in your presence once again. You and your gracious mother."

        Laughter warmed a woman's throat and I could tell she was older when she spoke. "Don't flatter me too much or my head will float by how high compliments appease me."

        The other voice—that of an obviously displeased woman, the truest friend of mother I had no idea existed, sighed heavily. "Because you are my childhood friend, I came to you somewhat first. All that you have done for me, I came to repay that kindness by letting one of your daughters humbly marry my only son left. This prosperous marriage would bless her a noble life you cannot provide for your children, but I did not expect such disrespect to appoint a girl of such dark skin to marry my son."

        The excitement in my eyes dulled once realizing the conversation was about me. The only with skin as brown as a walnut, possibly darker since the last time I checked.

        Both Fen and I flinched at the sudden sound of something being slammed against a hard surface, causing the others within the room to gasp out. "She is just as you are except for mild differences!" Mother defended.

        "Mild differences?" The woman scoffed. "Have you gone blind? The girl has been out in the sun for far too long, there is no turning back if you say she is just as I am. Every woman in this room and those of acquaintance bore long, silky straight hair. Not whatever is on that child's head. What she is, is far from what I am. Even you. I hate to say it but I question her background. The nature of where she was conceived and by whom."

        "I did not bore these marks on my stomach and saw near death just to be accused how of my child was conceived."

        "Well someone has to say it, Bai!"

        My gaze narrowed to the beautiful hanfu Mother had given me to wear today which was only worn for special occasions. It was altered to fit my slim frame, toned from labor across the farm. A beautiful rich color that shone under the sun and complimented my dark complexion with fun patternings Fen and I loved to trail with our fingers, making games out of everything in our reach. My wild curls were tamed and clipped back from my round face to accentuate my long neck, though a few strands defiled Mother's hard work.

        If I was fit enough to become the wife of Mother's childhood friend's only living son, I would have to leave home and my family to a foreign place unworthy of me, subjected to endless ignorant comments about my melanated skin and curly hair. No pretty dress or nobility would change that.

        I never felt indifferent to my family because Mother's reassuring words that transitioned into daily affirmations made it so I existed along their side and never behind—even if it were limited to our imagination. Aside from occasional teasing, all four of my siblings including Mother and Ba made up the matter of my heart and were my entire world. Truthfully, the only people I knew in this life.

        Though, I have questioned why I never could ride with Ba to the city and help sell our crops. Why the neighbors never wanted their daughters to play with me? Why my eldest sister, Yiyan held such shame and distaste against me that I had to stay in the room while everyone met her husband? They were married shortly after his first campaign, forced to peek between the cracks and pretend I existed as well. Why did I look so similar yet different from my siblings who shared equal qualities easily pointed out between Mother and Ba?

        It wasn't until my mother told me a bedtime story that I learned of her infidelity, and why I would rot forever on the farm—the story about a noblewoman who fell for a poor man.

        My true father—the poor man in the story—bore skin darker than night and eyes that twinkled in morning light. Okorie was his name. Immigrated to Liaoxing from a world beyond the sea he called Nigeria and worked in the stables for a noble family hoping to save enough to one day own land of his own. Then one fateful day, Mother—the noblewoman in the story—was followed by bandits who tried to rob her on her way home. My father saved her. He had such deep kind eyes, she said, eyes that made her feel safe and had stories for days. He knew such little of our language aside from basic structure so my mother taught him after night while everyone was asleep. She knew better than to see another while her husband and two kids around the time were asleep, but her goodness remained stronger and she had to repay him.

        But one night her impulse got the better of her and she kissed him. And he kissed her back. From that moment, her heart knew love in another form that she lacked from Ba, love that made her desirable again.

        My true father was sold to work for another family far from Liaoxing and Mother didn't have the guts to leave with him, as her love for her children was far greater. Even while pregnant with me, she chose to stay where her world was most familiar.

        I learned from Yiyan that Ba ordered me dead. Since birth, he knew I wasn't his. He planned to leave me outside until I was no more or sell me off to ward off gossip and bad omens, but whatever Mother did around the time made him change his mind. He allowed me to stay and raised me as his own despite the hatred in his heart.

        I have no cultural ties to Nigeria, not in the way I wanted, aside from my father's skin and curly hair. Liaoxing was all I knew.

        The child who lived as a secret, that I was. The burden of this secret I was forced to keep prevented opportunities that were given to my siblings while I stayed behind and tended to the farm. There was a world outside these walls and this might be my only chance to see it now.

        Fen's small hand brushed over mine, grasping for my attention or sought to comfort my feelings after hearing their notions about me. "This is no fun. She's so mean. Let's go to the lake and climb trees." She prompted already standing to her feet and grabbing my hand to leave.

        But I couldn't leave. This conversation involved me and I had every right to know what the future held.  "No, I want to listen. It will be much worse if this marriage pulls through, but I trust Mother will do what is best. Why don't you go ahead and wait for me at the lake? This doesn't concern you."

        "No," Fen tightened her hand around mine when I tried to pull free. "I won't leave you. I want to stay."

        "Then be quiet before you get us both in trouble."

        She nodded, promising to keep quiet. Fen had always been at my hip since birth. Always copying everything I did and slept in my sheets, snuggled against my chest like a cub to a momma bear even when the nights grew warm and sweat pooled. She used to cry to Mother because her hair wasn't curly like mine and her skin wasn't dark enough no matter how many times she would play under the sun until her skin tanned—it never was close enough.

        I am closer to my younger siblings than the eldest as they were to me, but closer to my eldest brother Li Wei than I ever would be with Yiyan. But now that Mother plans for me to get married, I feared Fen would have no one by her side to indulge her playful needs. No sisters under the roof besides Gho, our step-sister married to Li Wei. But she wasn't as playful as I, more serious about her duties as a wife.

        "You are judging my daughter based on ignorance and I will not stand for it. My Peizhi is the most dignified woman you will ever meet, someone who makes a rainy day sunny again. If you would just look at her, past her differences, you too will see how beautiful she is inside and out. One of a kind." Mother defended. "And the fact you judge my daughter in my home before me off one glance just shows the woman you are. Don't you forget who helped you marry the man you sleep beside every night. Without my help, you would have been just as dirt poor as you now hide with makeup and expensive silks. But you, Lihua, are still the same girl I knew, wishing a man with money would come and save your family from debts your father burdened you with before he drowned himself."

        Someone gasped. "You watch your mouth—"

        "You asked me to choose a daughter of ripen age, a daughter who has bled and is healthy to bear children. A daughter of such grace and beauty who is well-mannered and skilled in domestic labor." Her voice softened though her frustration was known. "And my Peizhi fits the description. She may have much to learn but is quick-witted and open to challenges if you would just give her a chance."

        "I know she is not the only daughter you bore. What of the eldest? I hear she is beautiful and quite skilled with embroidery. Though in her late twenties which is far too old, I'm sure we can work something—"

        "Yiyian is married and lives happily with her husband." Mother quickly interjected.

        "What of Fen? She is what, ten now?" A small gasp came from Fen, her eyes widening in fear and tightening my hand to the point it grew numb. She was not prepared to take on such duty.

        "Fen is off limits," Mother said curtly. "She is too young for marriage nor has she bled."

        "Girls have married younger than ten, that is nothing new. Surely my mother and I can wait until Fen becomes a woman and guide her from there."

        Fen buried her head in my side and cried, "I don't want to marry into their family. Don't make me, Peizhi. She is a nasty woman. I won't have her as my mother-in-law."

        I hugged her frail body closer and kissed the top of her head, where I discovered grass weaved into her messy braid. Possibly from rolling down the grass hill far out back. "Don't panic now, Fen. Mother has always looked out for us." I reassured her. "I won't let anything happen to you."

       Her eyes were glossy red when lifting her head. "You swear it?"

        "I do."

        She wrapped her arms around my waist and tightened our embrace. I rocked her back and forth and used this opportunity to pick out the grass.

        "I refuse to wait any longer. Bring out this girl and let me get a good look at her again." The older voice grew impatient by her tone and quickness of speeding the day, possibly too tired searching for wives.

        The woman gasped. "Mother!"

        "Don't you call to me, child. I have listened to you two bicker like children and it is now time for the adults to speak and settle this matter once and for all." Silence followed after her demand to have her voice heard. "I have countless wealthy noble households in mind that I would've chosen from before coming here, but my grandson was very thorough about his preferences. Marriage has never taken space in his mind until recently and he is quite picky. While I wish to be anywhere other than here, it is here that I must be if it means my bloodline won't die with my grandson."

        She continued, "now, you say your daughter is of such grace and beauty and loves a good challenge—but is she humbled and not spoiled to the bone? Does she radiate joy and enjoy laughter? Is she obedient and won't give this household any problems?"

        Still holding Fen, I peeked around the thin walls and caught sight of Mother's simple dress, dull like the farmers we were. Her beautiful long hair fell lushly down her back with only a simple bronze hair clip for decoration. She stood round and chubby after birthing five children and lowered herself into a respectable bow before our guest.

        "She is humbled, yes. Joy radiates her entire being and her laughter will fill your halls as it fills mine. She won't give your grandson or you any problems." It was too late to hide when her eyes fell on me as she lifted from the bow. A soft smile warmed her face and it reached mine, a smile I could remember even with my eyes closed. I knew by this very smile that I would always have a home and a loving mother who risked everything including her dignity to raise me right.

       "Then what is the problem, Lihua? Is she not what Zian is looking for?" The elderly woman questioned her daughter who still had much to say.

       Mother's warm smile didn't last long when a tall slim woman dressed in silks far richer and brighter than mine stood from her seat next to her mother and blocked Mother's view. "Perhaps so. Perhaps her daughter is perfect for my son, but this is different." I snatched my head back around the wall before I was caught again, but I remembered her pale face and blood-red lips. The expensive ornaments dressed in her silky black hair and such vibrant colors I never knew existed. No rips, dull, passed down or worn out. "I still question the child's background—the father's involvement," she quickly added. "If word got out and rumors were to spread, spewing otherwise it would shame our family. Our household you are so keen on purifying. Mother, I—"

        "Enough of this. Bring me the girl at once."

        "Mother!"

        "This is not about what we want but what my grandson wants. What your only living son wants. I have lived a long adventurous life with my husband and have seen the world by his side before his passing, and have seen firsthand what desperation does to men who don't have their way. Shall I take Kueng as an example? You gave him someone weaker than the emperor on the throne and now they both dine with our ancestors waiting for our attendance. I am too old for this and have grown tired and would like to see my grandson happily married while it interests him."

        Her voice softened with mild irritation when speaking to Mother. "Don't make me ask again. Bring her out and let's see what the fuss is all about."

        I imagined Mother bowing with a quick 'yes', unable to contain her excitement. Her feet padded along the creaky wooden floors in my direction, and I stood to my feet with Fen following behind, still hugging her arms around my waist. But my foot stepped under the long skirt as I was standing which caused my body to flop back down onto the floor with an oomph.

       "Peizhi," Mother's shadow hovered over my fallen frame. She helped me to my feet, ripped Fen off and told her to go somewhere, and got to work; swiftly fixing my hanfu and any bothering loose strands.

        "What if they don't like me?" I asked softly, feeding into my doubts. "What if they don't choose me for their son? How could I ever become a wife then?"

        Her warm hands cupped my cheeks, smiling to cover her weary expression. "Just be who you are and they shall love you as do I." She leaned in and kissed my temple. "As I always will. We'll cross that bridge when it comes."

        My only response was a smile. I have always been myself but people still found reasons to hate me. Albeit knowing that there wasn't much I could do about it, I learned to live with it. She took my hand and led me into the parlor.

        "This is my lovely daughter, Jiang Peizhi."

        The first person I saw was Mother's friend, Lady Xiaomeng—as briefly mentioned when Mother reminded me of everything I needed to know before I was announced. Her beauty was just as Mother described, and the soft olive green of her dress brought out her youth beyond the disgusted look in her eyes. Nevertheless, I lowered myself to a proper bow and greeted our guest without prejudice.

        "Come here, child. Help me up." I rose to Lady Xiaomeng's mother who sat straight with such a strict posture it reminded me of a bird. A bluebird because her hanfu was brighter than a sunny blue sky with hints of yellow and pink. I rushed to her side and took her stretched arm to help her to her feet. "She is beautiful indeed. And young." A light gasp left my lips when her hands inspected my body; my breast, my hair, my face, and even lower. "Very young and healthy. Only tanned just a bit."

        "Just a bit?" Lady Xiaomeng commented.

        A look I didn't catch shut Lady Xiaomeng up within seconds. I was taught never to disrespect my elders—not even my parents or eldest siblings—as they were wise and truthful with the time of life and held valuable lessons that guided the youth on the right path. It was a bit shocking to witness someone talking back to their elder, nevertheless their own mother, the woman who gave her life.

        "Something that is easily fixed with creams and staying indoors." She trailed off and allowed silence to fill the room like she was expecting something. Mother gestured toward the hot kettle when I glanced over to her, unsure what to do next. Quickly but firmly, I grabbed the kettle with a cloth. Its steam burned up my nostrils while pouring the herbal tea into the small teacup just as I was taught. Then, I handed her the teacup on one of our nicer saucers.

       She took the teacup with a smile and sipped it. "Very well-mannered. Keep your shoulders back, dear, and head up or you grow deformed," she advised. "Allow your beauty to be shown naturally."

        With a nod, I straightened my shoulders and lifted my head.

        She chuckled when I followed her advice. "I think something different will give my grandson a new outlook in life and will certainly make him happy. He has always been an open-minded young man."

        Lady Xiaomeng's neck could have snapped with how quickly and sharply her head turned to face me. Her gaze was ever so menacing and bewildered at what her mother said, I was forced to find comfort elsewhere like Mother, reminding me to stand straight and be myself. "These matters are best discussed with my husband and Zian present as it will be their call to confirm these haste d—"

        "That is why we are here." Lady Xiaomeng's mother interrupted sternly. "This is a duty for women, not the men who entrusted us to deal with such trifling matters. So mind your mouth when you address me, child. I will not act kindly the next you decide to speak over or against me."

        Lady Xiaomeng narrowed her gaze before dipping her head in the form of an apology. "It will not happen again." She said through clenched teeth.

        She watched her daughter before her attention went back to me. "When was the last time you bled, dear?"

        "Two weeks ago."

        "Will you cause me trouble?"

       "No, ma'am."

        Though I wasn't sure how I could guarantee the future, I haven't caused trouble at home so it should be the same.

        "Have you been with any other man before?" Her thin brow rose. "Honestly."

        I haven't been around many people, nevertheless men outside of my household to gain the experience. "No, ma'am."

        Her gaze on me was scrutinizing. Wrinkles formed at the crease of her squinting eyes, viewing me under her long lashes to be sure I wasn't lying to her, which I was not. I had no reason to. "Will you have trouble performing your duty to bear children?"

        "No, of course not," I answered rather excited for something I also feared. "I love children—well, my young siblings I love. I have much experience caring for them and have always wanted a family of my own. The love my mother has for her children, for me," I caught Mother's warm affectionate smile that easily found itself on my face. "Is inspiring. I hope to share this memory of love with my children in time."

        My answer seemed to have satisfied her so much that I knew by Mother's face that I had been chosen to marry Lady Xiaomeng's son. Her hand encased mine when she stood after placing down her tea, a grip rather strong for her old age. "If we are to be family, you must start by addressing me as Wàipó*."

        My smile brightened too big for my face, unable to contain my excitement. Even after biting down my bottom lip to remain well-mannered, it failed. "Of course, Wàipó." Such foreign words already comfortable on my tongue, to be the first to call this beautiful woman surrounded by unspeakable wealth grandmother. My grandmother. Family.

        Mother closed her eyes as she thanked the many Gods she prayed to every night. Then lowered herself to her knees, thanking Waipo for the opportunity to unite our families.

        I was sure now that I was going to make our family proud. Opportunities such as this rarely came by so it would be foolish of me to waste it and tarnish our name.

        I was to become a noble lady. A farmer's daughter at heart, but noble on the outside. That meant pretty dresses, exotic foods, even a chance to walk amongst the people in the city I get to see for the first time.

        How could I not contain this happiness?

        "It is settled then," still holding Wàipó's arm, I led her out the front door toward the open view of our land and crops. Down the weedy grass path, stood their carriage, their coachman rushing to open the door and await their company. "In four days time, a wedding shall be held and our household will become one. You will meet your betrothed then, which I assure will be no disappointment. My grandson is a skilled swordsman, the highest in his class, and is passionate about his line of work and his education. Young, healthy, and strong, I'm sure the two of you will stay busy. The busier you are, the more children will come."

        Her comment heated my face. Though my body remained untouched by another, I knew very well what to expect on our wedding night. My sister-in-law Gho, told me it wasn't as bad as we imagine sex from horror stories shared by others. Mother said sex was awkward at first. That it may hurt a little and feel strange, almost wrong and sinful, until it doesn't and unspeakable pleasure blossoms between the act that we are unable to keep our hands to ourselves.

        Truth be told, I looked forward to my wedding night. If sex felt better than Mother's fingers massaging deep into my scalp as she washed my hair in a bucket filled with stream water, or stretching my tired limbs until they cracked and grew more flexible—I couldn't wait to have sex. In fact, I want sex every day. Possibly now.

        "He sounds lovely," I commented, my stomach filled with butterflies.

        The sun scorched over our small house. Along the pathway, I spotted both my brothers, Li Wei and Jiei helping Ba rinse off potatoes. Li Wei wiped his sweaty forehead, resting his hand above his brows to block the sun as he stared out back at me. I could tell how excited he was even after Ba scolded him to continue his work. Ba never cared for such matters involving marriage and usually kept himself busy to avoid conversations if not about his crops.

        Wàipó turned toward me when reaching the carriage, her beautiful parasol matched the colors of her hanfu. "Four days time, Peizhi. Don't you forget it."

        "I won't, I promise." I told her, already marking the day in my head.

        "Good. See you then."

       We parted ways with a bow, mine lower as Mother instructed. I took her side and squeezed her hand as she squeezed mine. "I am so proud of you, Peizhi. You've done well." Mother praised.

        Lady Xiaomeng didn't appear happy about the decision but there wasn't much she could do about it when Waipo's words were final. I knew she was not happy with the engagement, and I understood that as her being a mother and wanting nothing but the best for her child, her only child. My only wish was that I was going to be given a chance to prove my worth against all the odds. "Looks like my favor has been paid. Until then, dear Bai."

        "Until then, Lihua."

        Lady Xiaomeng offered a curt bow of her head and entered the carriage after Wàipó. Mother and I watched them disappear before our contained excitement expressed itself as high-pitched screams.

        I did it.

        I would become a wife. A noble wife.

A U T H O R' S  N O T E

外婆 (wàipó) = Grandma on mother's side

— I apologize to readers who weren't given a heads up before I unpublished all my chapters. I imagine the shock it was to head to the next chapter and discover it's no longer there. But I do hope you fall in love with this version more as I've had <3