•••••••

There's a creek heard in the room next to where I lie in bed in pure darkness, failing to force myself asleep. I sent Yan Ran out for the night because I knew this would happen. I knew he would come to visit me, and when he did, I didn't want an audience to alter his character because I wanted to face the real him that was hidden from me but apparent to others. But as his steps crept closer within the same proximity, I couldn't force myself to face him and was stuck to my bed with my back faced him.

"Your Empress?" Were the first words to leave my lips. There was much I wanted to tell him, so much that has stuffed and jumbled in my brain, but that was the only to make it out.

A sigh eases within the room and my body fell into the dent of Zian's weight filling my bed. "I was meaning to tell you before w — "

I slapped his hand from off my arm as I sat up straight to face him. "When?" My eyes were already filled with tears and my throat clenched tight. "When were you supposed to tell me, Zian? When you have sat long enough on your throne to finally remember of my existence? Li Jun Xu. Your Majesty. Whichever you will respond to. Do you take me as a fool?"

"Never,"

"Then why treat me as one?"

There is a long pause of silence expanding the room.

I pushed him away so that I could stand and stretch my legs. Though it was dark, the moon illuminates the room enough to witness the guilt written on Zian's face. I poured myself a cup of water to drink from, allowing my heated tears to mix. The slightest poke of my stomach through my gown caught my eye when placing down the cup and stood where he couldn't see it.

"When I was a child my father, the former Emperor, promised my hand to the 4th princess of Zhendao," Zian said out of nowhere. His voice is calm as he continued the story, hinting at no sign of agitation since it wasn't his place. "It was placed alongside the 6 ministries to ensure our relationship between both nations to end the war between our people and join hands to win our biggest war across the sea. As Emperor, I need to refill that duty and marry her to  — "

As if he sensed my cup being thrown in his direction, he ducked quickly only to move again as I found something else to throw at him.

"Peizhi, stop."

I don't stop. Whatever that's within my reach finds itself across the room. At least he was smart enough to stop ducking and protecting his face and allows the thrown items to hit him.

"Can you please stop and listen to — " Whatever it was had hit him in the mouth. I gasped watching his hand wipe above his lips before his eyes found me in the dark, glowing a dark color of red. And I imagined steam radiating off his shoulders and blown gently through his nostrils as he took in a slow breath and eased it between his lips.

I opened my mouth to speak but he launched himself at me. Around the table, he chased after my running legs until he grabbed a hold of my arm and pressed me against the wall. Both my arms were held above my head.

"Let go of me," I sneered.

"If I let go, will you continue to throw things at me?"

"Yes."

"Then I won't let go. You will just have to listen to me."

I wiggled even while knowing I couldn't break out his hold. He was so close that if he inched any closer, our lips might connect and I was stupid enough to let him if it'd happen. But he was also close enough that I could feel his body against mine. I began to panic. He's constantly on point when noticing the littlest details about me so I feared he'd noticed the bump.

A red substance leaked from his nose.

"Your nose," I gasped.

Upon feeling it brush his hairs, Zian lets go of an arm to wipe his nose. I then cease my moment. The moment he touched his nose is when I pushed him away. He was quick to react by grabbing my arms but I kicked him in his stomach and ran across the room catching my breath.

Zian clenched tightly onto his lower abdominal. "Fuck, you are a strong woman.." He groaned out in pain.

"You stay there! Don't you move any closer to me or I will hurt you.  I'm serious!"

I hid myself when he stood facing me.

His red eyes soften to his natural color, and his brows imitated an emotion of doubt. Of sadness. And of sympathy. "You promised to stay by my side no matter what." He pointed out.

"I promised to be there as your wife, Zian. Not a whore. This isn't what I asked for."

"You are still my wife," he assured. "Peizhi nothing changes that"

"Everything changes that! Titles changes that, law changes that, history will change that!" My tone softened. "Can't you say no?"

He took a step forward to inspect me as if there was something wrong with me or something out of the ordinary that had caught him off guard. I assumed it to be my belly and hid it more until he continued with words I'd never expect to leave his lips. "Why are you being like this? This is the way of the world and you normally would comply without much input or tossing items at me, why are you being difficult?"

"Because I am selfish and I care! Because I want you all to myself and I don't want to share you with anyone else let alone another wife who will be above me. I'd rather die than watch you kiss another woman before my eyes. We were supposed to be equals Zian — You promised me! Yet you lied to me since the very beginning and deemed your wife who has been nothing but loyal and foolishly in love with you as a threat to your reign. You were supposed to be honest with me as I have been with you, so yes. I am difficult. And I will continue to be difficult."

"Have you been honest with me?"

My head jerked back. "Excuse me?"

"You and I both have secrets and I never once forced them out of you. So you are just as bad as me."

"Have you lost your damn mind or are you refusing to acknowledge your faults because you feel guilty and you know you are wrong? This is different and you know that it is. My secrets are nothing — will never be compared to you being the Emperor! I can't call you by your name in public, and the only name I know of you isn't your given name but a false one. I must bow and address you as a superior god and not just my husband. I can't even wake up next to you and now I must face your future Empress and respect her being even tho it kills every bit of pride within me."

"Being the emperor is everything to me!" He shouted. I jumped back in fear at his shout ringing in my ears. He has never yelled at me and I have never seen him this enraged. "The amount of blood I have shed and friends I have betrayed and lost to my enemies , and the sacrifices I have made to get to where I stand means everything to me! You should be happy you have married the most powerful man in the country. No one can touch you anymore especially with such a title and my high favor for you. You won't have to go hungry anymore, you won't have to stay up in fear and sleep in a different bed each night, you won't have to be apart from me. No one will dare ever look down on you. And I will take care of your family and build them a house within the city where their needs will be cared for and they can require the education they want. I can take in Li Wei and give him a position in the palace and enrich his family line. "

I recognized that spark in his eyes. That fuel of power that he craves so much and it scared me because it answered the questions I had asked myself before; the power that Zian seeks is the throne, and the kind of man he's become once acquiring that power turned him into a man I don't recognize. A man, who as I said before, would do anything to obtain that power in his hands. And he has.

I stumbled back into the wall as he came towards me but stopped midway reading my feared expression. My throat thick of emotions. "I don't know who you are anymore. You are not the man I married. I don't know who this person is but this isn't my husband. This isn't the man I fell for."

"You've changed a lot since we have parted. I don't know what happened to that careful, gentle woman who wanted nothing but my love. Everything about you is different and your actions are unexpected."

The same change he said he loved.

"That's what happens when you love someone, Zian. Love makes you do terrible things and become a person you can't imagine. I don't think you would be able to understand that since it is all a game to you, but love is the answer. And I hate myself for loving you even now." His glare soften at my words and they narrowed with not a word of comfort, but he looked as if he regretted his early questioning. "Please... can't I be the only one. Zian, why can't you feel for me?"

He stressed a hand over his face while sighing "It's not that simple."

"It can be. Just say no. Say it."

"I can't."

"You are the Emperor!" I screamed at him. "If you can't refuse one thing what else can't you refuse? What power truly lies behind this title of yours that you crave so badly?"

"I have told you before that this marriage was set in stone, I have no say in what will better our country."

"Your country."

"Ours," He corrected. "Your family's. Think of them."

"Think of me."

My body wavered and I was feeling light-headed. Overwhelmed with his problems and mines and this sudden change of life has extorted all the power I can give to anyone. And frankly speaking,  I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm tired and all this going back and forth isn't going to solve anything. He's set on what he wants, and I know what I want.

"Get out."

Zian attempted to take a step towards me and reached out his hand to grab me but I flinched. "Peizhi — "

"Get out!" I pushed him. "Out now. I don't want to see you anymore!"

I continued to push at him forcing him to leave so that I don't have to see his face and continued to be made into a fool.

"I will not leave. Not until you and I talk this out."

"Then I will leave. This life isn't suited for me and I refuse to bow to your Empress and to continue to be lied upon."

He allowed me to pass only a few steps towards the sitting area and just at the door before he grabbed a hold of my arm, again. "I gave you a choice on the night of our marriage, you promised me." His tone hinted his disappointment.

"You already made that choice for me before I blindly agreed to something I didn't know I was signing up for." I tugged my arm from out his grip. "And now I want out."

"Peizhi, where will you go? It's late."

"Anywhere but here. I can't breathe with you around."

I wait to see if he would stop me again. But instead, he stepped away with a soft 'okay'. I left him to reach for the door and leave, but as soon as my hand touched the door, I suddenly saw black with only a voice screaming out my name as my head hit the hard ground.

There were voices somewhere within the room. They were speaking of my health. She will be okay as long as she takes the medicine I prescribed, an older man said. When will she awake? Zian asked. Any moment now, but because she is pregnant and gone through stress, this kind of rest is very good for Her Highness.

My eyes bulged open at 'preg' and my body somehow jolted upwards from the bed at the finish of 'nant'. My head rang as I sat up, rising like a ghost in the clear night with my heart already pounding. Yan Ran is the first to notice my lift and called out to me. Everyone followed her voice.

"Your Highness," An older man dressed in a white robe comes forward. "How do you feel? Do you feel any dizziness? Aches or pain?"

I don't respond.

"Are you alright?" Zian filled my view.

As he came forward alongside the physician — I'm assuming — to confirm my current state of being, my eyes wandered elsewhere too ashamed to meet Zian's worrisome gaze. He knows. I could bite at my nails down to the cuticle or scratch deep into my bones to prove the amount of anxiety that has consumed me whole. Zian knows that I'm pregnant.

What do I do?

How will he react? Does he look at me with disgust?

There is no sign of rage or loath embedded behind his eyes but genuine concern over my health. Have I hit my head too hard? Why do I feel guilty for something that's not only my fault? Why do I imagine his dark eyes sizing me down, suddenly sick to his stomach that he can no longer look at me or take responsibility for his part and turns his back to walk out that very door he lured me into.

"Peizhi,"

My head snapped up by the confusion in his tone, but he wasn't looking at me — down at the arm where I have grabbed onto. More specifically, the Physician I mistook for Zian. His ears tinted red, eyes averted, and cleared his throat to tell his Emperor it was only a misunderstanding to save his life.

With a gasp, I retreated my hand and apologized. "I'm fine, thank you. And sorry." I don't lift my head.

"Leave us."

Everyone is leaving. Why are they leaving me here with Zian? Why does he want to be alone so suddenly?

As soon as everyone has left and it was just him and I, Zian released a soft sigh as he sat next to me on the bed where I have crawled back from him. "When were you going to tell me?" My face grew pale and I  followed his trail down towards the roundness of my stomach showing through the thin fabric of my gown.

I am quick to grab the covers to cover myself quickly to avoid further questioning and then pretend that none of this happened to begin with. It was only a dream and I will soon wake up back in MeiHua with Lady Ting Yu shouting to wake us before we're late to our long shifts, but Zian tore off the sheets just as I pulled it over. Exposing me to his naked eye and forcing me out of my imagination. I hugged myself close.

"You have been pregnant with our child for some time now. Peizhi, why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

"You were gone, Zian! You were gone. I asked you to stay, begged you even and you left without another word. So please tell me how I was to tell you when you don't trust me enough to inform me of your whereabouts? I also found out recently that I was pregnant too, so you not knowing is not on me, it's your fault." I then cried no longer able to hold back my tears. "Why aren't you happy? Why are you yelling at me? Why are you upset with me? What have I done in my past life to be treated this way? Do you hate me so much that you can't be open with me once in your life? I'm scared. My heart is terribly pained and I'm so tired. And you continue to stress me out! Do you not care to understand how impactful all of this has been for me? yet you blame me for faults of your own and force me to carry your burden alone."

"I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry," The heat of his arms has pulled me into his warmth and comforting scent, resting my head to cry against his chest. "It's all my fault. It's my fault for abandoning you when you needed me most. I kept you in the dark intentionally and hidden an important part of my life from you when you were no threat to me at all. All you wanted was to know the man you slept next to inside and out as anyone would, and I apologize. I am such an asshole for assuming a light reaction out of a monumental moment and expected you to easily agree to it all."

He leaned back to wipe my tears, hooking his hand under my chin so that my head was in a clear position for him to clean my tears that continued to fall. Suddenly, his lips then pressed against my forehead.

"You might not believe me for obvious reasons, but I am happy to hear that you are carrying our child — happier than anything in the world. A child who will be loved and cherished equally by both its parents with an abundance of opportunities to reach from. I have so much on my plate that I let it out on the wrong person which is no excuse at all. I'm a foolish man to make his pregnant wife angry on the days she should be at peace and comfort."

Zian has always had a smooth tongue, foolishly reeling me in on a hook that I failed to remember my oath to not fall for his acts. I'm left cold when Zian pulled away from me.

"You should rest for a bit. I — "

I grabbed his hand, the right person this time "will you leave again?" I didn't want to seem as if I cared. But I did. And I had a way of showing it.

He thought about his reply. "Only if you want me to."

"Can you stay? Please."

"Of course."

He undresses down to his trousers and got into bed filling back the coldness that snuck in. We lie in pure silence hoping it would pass until one of us fell asleep, but I couldn't rest. Though I'm tired I didn't want to sleep.

Zian began talking. I don't know if he thought I was asleep or not or, if he was chatting to himself.

"...No matter how many times I apologize, I understand my words won't make you forgive me but the actions of my words will. But Peizhi, do you not know how much I love you? How I would kill for you without a blink of an eye? Bow to your feet and worship every inch of your body to the single strand of your curls, heeded under your command trapped in a dreamlike maze I never want to escape?" At his words, I shivered. Zian has never told me directly, with actual words, that he loved me. The words I feared I'd never hear are finally heard but I don't know how to respond.

"Truthfully speaking, I could have told you anytime about my identity and the royal blood pumping my veins. Rather than greedily confessing myself to you while you sleep, I could have told you the moment you grew conscious in that same night, but then you stare at me with those big eyes and I tense up. I feared that if I told you who I was that I would ruin the image of the man you envision, a man that I have failed to become and you would runoff. And if you ran off, I would be lonely. And I don't know what I would do without you."

"You never gave me a fair chance to choose and that was your first mistake," I told him. "Zian, I am not your enemy and I never will be, I am your wife and will always be your wife. And as much as I love you with everything I have, I don't want to be embarrassed."

He then sat up with me still in his arms. "And you won't be. It is normal for a man to take in wives. And as the Emperor who has been away from the court since my childhood, with people who have just met me today, It's important that I build a good reputation and seek their trust."

"But it's not only that, Zian. Or whatever I must call you — "

"When we are together, call me what makes you comfortable."

" — Once she comes along, you will find more wives. More consorts and low brides to fill your needs and grow your harem. I want to be enough for you, but I can't because I am not the only one and I never will be."

"You are the only one in my eyes, more than enough and all that I need. No matter whom I marry or the many brides that have been chosen for me, you, Jiang Peizhi, will be the only true woman that I have ever loved sincerely and I mean that from the deepest part of my heart. What we share isn't what I can share with another, it's only what we understand of it. I have never met the 4th princess of Zhendao before and I'm sure she is interesting and beautiful, but I will never love her or anyone as much as I love you. Our relationship is solely for peace-making, nothing more. I wish you would trust me a bit more."

"You haven't given me a reason to ."

While nodding, "I understand and I will work on building that trust with you, but you must understand this is how it is. For us to become one, we must find a common ground to compromise. I don't want to fight with you and I know you're tired too. And I'm not asking for your forgiveness or your sudden trust, but for us both to understand where one another is coming from and gradually adapt. Can we do that?"

A part of me doesn't want to understand. I want to continue to be selfish and hard-headed and angry with him, but what good will that do us? I will only push him away from me and that's not what I want, but I also don't want him to assume I'm okay with it. For now, for the best of us and my health, I should agree.

"No more lies," I stated. "I want honesty even if it will hurt my feelings. To find a common ground, I need to know who you are and how this all came about and who all knew. I also need some time to myself to process this change of a lifestyle and prefer to not be bothered for a day or two."

"Anything more?"

"I want to know your connections to MeiHua and why out of all places did you send me there? I also don't want so many people following me around or in my personal space. And I want that window open, the fresh air is nice. Anything more, I will have to tell you as they come to mind."

Upon my command, he smiled and got up to open the window. A nice breeze flew through. Zian got back into bed and pulled me into his arms. "Where shall I begin, my love?" He brushes down my hair.

"The beginning. And Zian,"

He hummed.

"If you ever lie to me again, I will cut out your heart where you will never be able to love again."

"I will count on it." His smile grew bigger while he pulled my hair behind my ear.

He made himself comfortable before he began. "I was just a child when my father was betrayed and outnumbered by his enemies. My mother woke me from my rest still pregnant with Jingfei. We barely escaped that night. And since I was so young, it was all a blur but I remembered the torturing screams that echoed the air, and the thick blood that stained the white walls, and the heat from fire burning the buildings down into dust. They memory will torment me forever." He held me tighter as the memory painted a vivid picture in his head, but when he saw the dread on my face, he simply smiled to comfort my thoughts and continued with ease. "We hid at MeiHua for a bit, waiting for the disaster to pull over. My mother was childhood friends with the original Madam Xuan and they worked together for years even after becoming the Empress. Jingfei was soon born and news of my father's death began to spread. My mother and I was wanted for childish conspiracies , but there was no where for us to hide. As my mother once said, when you feel safe is when you are not safe at all because there are enemies everywhere, even the ones you call your friends."

He continued after a short pause. "Imperial guards of the enemy began to raid the city looking for my mother and I, and it was only a matter of time before they found us. Since Jingfei was only an infant, my mother left her in the hands of MeiHua and carried me along the journey. But somehow, the gaurds found us escaping. It took my mother all the strength she had to carry me , until she could no longer hold my weight and hid me in the hole of a tree." Zian's voice faltered but he continued the story with strength. "She promised she would come back, but that was the last time I saw of her. Left in the cold starving to death with only the tassel of my birth right held tight in my hands, I thought that night would be the last I breathed the cool air until Kueng, the deceased son of the Xiaomeng household and my brother, found me. He was the only who knew of my bloodline and told me to hide my tassel well. He introduced me to his family as his son, but father thought it would ruin Kueng's future so they took me in as their legal child instead and raised me as their own. Some years later, Gui found me and was said my father wrote an imperial edict scroll which gave me his blessing to take the throne as Emperor.  After finding it, here I am today."

The only time Kueng has ever been mentioned was only when Lady Xiaomeng and Wàipó argued, and once when I was banned out my hometown. He was long dead before Zian and I married, and I was told he died in war but I'm sure there was more to the story. But I don't dare force Zian to remember.

Instead, I formed another question of my own. "Do you know who betrayed your father?"

"I do. Many, in fact where some you faced today. Sadly, I couldn't kill them all," His fist clenched around my body and my heart paced faster than before but it was still at a normal speed. "But there is one in particular, one who caused the Blood War and killed my father that I can't seem to kill at all. The imprint he has left in the court after my father died is too impactive. Killing him too soon would leech more followers to side with his views, and I am already on a thin thread viewed as a foreigner married to a ...." He briefly caught my gaze, and in response, kissed my head as though it was nothing when we both knew what the people thought of me. Zian just didn't want to hurt my feelings. "...a beautiful woman. But there is a time and place for revenge."

"Does he know you know it's him?"

He shrugged. "I was child when it happened, so naturally he would assume my memory was poor. And if given a test, I shall pass it with ease."

Zian was a different person when he spoke of revenge, and though he kept his emotions well hidden, the spec of wreak could be seen blazed behind his brown eyes. I knew when an opening comes his way for revenge, he won't hesitate to cut down his enemies and bathe in their blood as victory.

I rubbed my forehead when I felt Zian's finger nudging the crease that has formed in between my brows, causing my head to tilt back. "Stop thinking," He demanded, a lightness of play in his tone. "My problems are not yours , and I have a plan set in stone."

"I wasn't thinking," seconds later "What plan?"

Instead of answering my question, he unhooked his arm from around my body and pressed my head down to the pillow. "Go to sleep." His hand kept my head from lifting off the pillow, and pulled the covers up , and forced my eyes to close. "Sleep." He said , more demanding.

I no longer try to fight him and kept my eyes closed. However, another question couldn't wait another day. "Will you tell me the names of those who betrayed your father? I have to look out for myself and my baby." I asked.

"If you know their names, and they know that you know it is them, then they will know that I know which will ruin the plan I have set." He answered after a short pause. "But don't worry, I will never allow your relationship with any of them to grow anymore than how it is now, and I will protect both you and our child. Now sleep. You need the rest."

I made myself comfortable in bed before I drifted off to sleep.

•••••••

Married folks smh。 current thoughts tho ?

Anyways, I was gonna do a big update but the last chapter is taking FOREVER to edit. I told y'all, writing is one thing but editing?!? It takes me days. Hate it so much. I'll edit and still find mistakes, or y'all will which I love you for ❤️ but I'll update that one when it's finished and update later on today