My knees were covered in white balls outlined in red the moment my punishment was lifted. It was a late lunch time when it ended, being pointed and laughed at by those leaving the kitchen where Head Feng then admitted to have forgotten about me despite hearing my painful grunts or seeing my shadow waver while the door was opened before being closed once more. I was glad it was over. I feared if I kneeled any longer my legs would have been amputated.

I had been starving all morning and the majority of the day in pure heat that my insides were eating themselves. My feet shuffled as it gained back its usual performance and I was growing a headache. A painful one.

But the moment I entered the shaded area of long tables and lines of girls and boys dressed as I was grabbing lunch — steamed buns, rice and pork soup — all eyes seemed to have found their way on me, my headache increasing rapidly.

"Is that not the new student?" A girl traveling beside me had asked her friend even while knowing the answer.

"Mm. I heard Madam Xuan protected her today. She even visited the kitchens." Her friend gossiped back.

"What is so special about her?"

"Who knows."

I decided to ignore them and grab my lunch, but it was hard to ignore all of them when they multiplied.

After grabbing my lunch, much faster since they made a way, and standing around for an empty spot at the table to appear, I found myself in another situation. Most tables were full and when I went to a vacant spot, either someone would move to get away from me or pile together like birds of a flock to avoid me sitting near. My food beginning to get cold and my legs tired of my weight, I refuse to wait until everyone has eaten for me to finally sit down simply because of their fears about me. And so, I found a spot and sat there. I was used to eating alone anyway.

"Where's Zhao Ji?" I played with my food before eating.

I haven't seen her all day when she's to be at my side as instructed. It was much easier with her near. I then wouldn't have to pretend like everyone wasn't watching me and I wouldn't feel so alone.

"Why is your skin like that?"

The young girl who stood in front of me was no older than 10. Her long hair braided down her back with a birthmark on her chin, she stares with curiosity. She was quite cute and petite, but I'd never imagine Madam Xuan accepting a girl of her age here in such a place. But the only thing that caught my attention was her unique eyes — one was brown while the other was blue. Light blue.

Tearing my gaze away, "I was born with it." I continued eating.

I assumed the girl was satisfied with my answer and would leave to her friends until she sat directly in front of me. My head lifted, slightly taken aback. I had even glanced around hoping this wasn't some kind of joke someone was pulling to humiliate me.

"My hair is like yours," She points to her curly roots. They weren't exactly like mines but they were quite curly. A different texture than wavy. "My mother once tried to cut my hair when I was little, hoping it'd grow out straight as the others. But each strand after the next came out like this so I keep my hair braided a lot and it helps. Does it help you? Or do you like having your hair out like that?"

I keep eating. Maybe if say nothing and pretend she wasn't here she'd go away and stop asking questions. But if she left, then I'd be left alone with many stares burning the back of my neck, and by the looks of it, the child had no ill intentions for bothering me. Maybe she was just curious as all children were. As everyone is about me. And she reminded me of Fen who was as well around her age.

I miss her a lot which is why I try not to think of her so much as I did my mother. And I knew she misses me dearly and all the stories I would make up to help her sleep peacefully after waking up from a nightmare.

"I don't normally wear my hair like this," touching my curls while speaking, she looks attentive wanting to hear what I will say next. "I wear it in braids as you do — I just woke up late this morning but I do wear it down often." I peer around us. "As she wears her hair, I've tried that too."

The girl follows my eyes to the chubby girl with half of her hair down while the rest was held in a ponytail. Another wore the same but it was wrapped in a high bun. I don't try to look the child in her eyes as it would probably make her uncomfortable as I did when people stared at me.

"Do you think my hair can do that too?" She stuffs her mouth with freshly steamed buns.

"It can, yes. Would you like me to help you?"

She stops eating, her eyes beaming with light. "You would do that?"

"I would."

"For me?" Her tone an octave higher.

"Yes. It took my mother a while to do my hair and for me to learn how to deal with it too. Since I have some knowledge, I don't mind sharing with you."

She smiles to herself. Her eyes grow small, her cheeks full of food and her shoulders sway with happiness. At this, I couldn't help but join her happiness too, softly sharing her smile. I can imagine how another girl would feel not knowing what to do with her hair while others could easily style theirs and look pretty, and I'd look a mess. I still have lots to learn but I knew enough to share. And with a girl of her age surrounded by many with no knowledge, I'm sure she felt left out too.

"You know," She swallows her food. I was almost done with mines. "You are a lot nicer than others have said you weren't. And you and I are in the same boat — I don't have many friends here because they all pick on me. You know, because of my eyes. I was born with it. My mother used to say it was a gift while others claim it was dark crafts, not the way of god, and I would have no husband with eyes such as mines. But I knew she only said it to make me feel better. She believes what others do too. Embarrassed and ashamed of her deformed daughter that she abandoned me here since she can no longer have me and tells them all that I have died." Her voice crumpled and she lowered her head as a tear trails her stuffed cheeks.

I don't know how to comfort children. I don't even know the first thing about taking care of a child, but I knew when Fen cried, I would hold her near so that she felt safe to cry with someone who'd never stop her. However, the child wasn't my sister and she probably wouldn't react as she would, so I sit next to her and reached out my hand hesitantly waiting for any sign that would tell me to stop. Feeling the warmth of her cheeks and her tears being caught by my finger and trails down my hand, she locks her small hand on my wrist bringing it down and holds it. Many continued to stare, baffled at the scene.

"You are right — you and I are in the same boat. I have such beautiful skin while you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." While wiping her tears and still stuffing her mouth, the child's head lifts to meet my gaze. The look in her told me she has never been called beautiful, something I had felt before too. "We're unique and though we stand out in different ways, we will always be someone no one can ever be."

"What is that?"

"Ourselves," I tell her. "Don't let your difference stop you from being who you want and doing what you want. I still have a lot to learn on that topic, but I still try to not give up easily. I was lucky to have found a husband who is kind-hearted, strong-willed, comforting, and safe. You will have that as well. The right man who loves you for all your flaws won't care how you look."

She goes back to eating. And my thoughts flew back to Zian. I miss him a lot and wonder what he's doing now. If he's eating okay. Sleeping okay. Safe. And I wondered if he yearns for me the same as I did now or for another woman I have yet to meet. I tell the child to eat slowly so she doesn't choke, finding myself beginning to care for her as I cared for Jiang.

"My name is Wanue."

Wanue was a beautiful name. A fitting name for her character.

"And I am — " So close with my given name on the tip on my tongue quickly registering my brain back to my made-up story, pushes out into a gaspy breath as something wet and quite warm drenches my scalp, ruining my dress and saturating my tongue with its familiar taste — soup. Pork soup.

Wanue jumps from shock. "Your dress!"

"It's alright." I lied. It wasn't alright. I was embarrassed and covered in soup and I felt very uncomfortable.

It came as no surprise to me when I looked up to meet the face who shared no remorse for ruining my dress as it was the girl from the kitchens. The one with no emotion in her eyes. "Oops, I'm very sorry." She turns to her giggling friend, not even hiding the humor in her tone. "Are you alright? It was an accident."

The desperate urge within me of wanting to toss Wanue's soup back stopped the moment I realized it wasn't a smart idea. There were too many people watching and if I were to do something now, it'd only prove their dangers of me is true and I'd be thrown out.

Despite my embarrassment and Wanue's concerns, I stood to my feet with a smile pressing my face. "It's alright. Accidents happen all the time. At least," I brush my finger along my cheek and plop it in my mouth. "It's tasty. And you are?"

She looks at her friend, hesitantly. "Su Tan."

I say nothing. Only look at her as she was looking back at me. I'm sure she already knew my name as everyone must've so there was no reason for me to introduce myself to her though it looked rude, so I excused myself from the scene to wash myself up. Wanue tagging along.

"Su Tan is such a mean girl," Wanue started.

I was dressed down to my undergarments, bent over with all my hair dunked into the warm bucket of water rising out slimy pieces of pork fat while Wanue scrubbed the top layer of my shirt clean from stains as she offered.

"She believes she is far superior than us all because she's favored by everyone. The girls, Head Feng, the men, even Madam Xuan. I'm guessing she hopes to be promoted from the kitchens to a Jì like sister JingFei."

"Jì?"

"An elegant performer. They use beautiful music, singing, and dancing, and art and more to pleasure their company. I'd like to be one when I come of age. I'm quite well in poetry and recite many during my free time that'd satisfy everyone."

Jì was a new word to me. This brothel was also very new to me, but I have strangely learned a lot from these women than back home. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet, but there was one thing that bothered me.

"Isn't this place too much for you to handle at such a young age? Do you not feel uncomfortable?"

Wanue does give my question a thought. "I used to hate her for leaving me here. For selling me away, lying to me that we were finally going on a trip, barely looking at me as she left me with tears. Maybe she'd come back after regretting her decision, maybe she'll see what you see in me. But I knew she was never coming back and I'd have to accept this place as my home since it is the only place that'll accept me."

"But you do know what this place is and what happens outside these buildings?"

"I might different eyes but I'm not blind."

I share her smile while carefully wrapping my wet hair with a cloth and drying it as much as I could. I felt bad for Wanue. A child of her age should be playing outside with other children and cuddled in her mother's arms, not worried about who will accept her and left disheartened with hope of her mother returning to bring her back home. I was lucky to have a family who saw — tries to see — past my skin and cared for me equally. To have a father who learned to coexist with a child who wasn't his, a child he despised and wanted left out for dead the second I was born, for the sake of providing for his family and keeping the gossip away.

I never realized how misfortune others were compared to me simply because I don't look outside my circle. I didn't care too nor did I have a reason to, but it made me realize how privilege I was in certain aspects. I just wasn't sure if it was a good thing or bad.

"I'm Huang Fei," She looks at me confused while handing me my wet-stained shirt I pull through my arms. "I forgot to give you my name before, but I am Huang Fei. Sister Fei."

•••••••
We finally getting the introductory out the way-ish so now it's time for the juicy shit hehehe
Also I was tryna double update but it did not work out chile 😂 next time. And not me thinking I updated in the morning and went to come back after practice and it was still in drafts