(Guys... we're 10 chapters away from the end and so sorry I disappeared. Had a tough time.)

I wandered upstairs to the bathroom door and gave it a gentle knock.

"Sirius?" I asked with a light voice.

No reply.

I knocked a bit harder wondering whether he heard me over the loud music that had seemed to be turned up in celebration and as I knocked, the door creaked open only a crack.

It wasn't locked and Sirius wasn't inside.

That's when I turned around and noticed the guest bedroom light was on and shining beneath the door in the dark hallway.

I went over a knocked on that door instead, a shuffling sound being heard on the other side.

"I'll be back down in a bit James, don't worry." I heard Sirius say from the other side a bit flatly.

"It's Arty." I corrected.
"Can I come in?"

There was a pause, quite a long one, until the door clicked open and with a flick of his wand the door opened wider for me to enter.

"You alright?" Sirius asked causally, his back turned to me as...he was folding clothes into a small trunk.

"I thought you were going to stay for a few weeks?" I said as carefully as I could as I observed him begin to perfectly pack his things.

He cleared his throat almost awkwardly.

"Uh yeah, but that was just an idea. Might come and go, you know?" He shrugged, his back still facing me and not being able to see his face.

It was my moment to take a long pause as I closed the door behind me, realising my gut instinct to check up on him was correct. Something was going on.

"I actually came to check that you're okay?" I said as a statement more than a question.

"Oh yeah!" Sirius laughed off, folding the same pair of trousers for the second time.
"I'm really happy for you." He added.

I hadn't considered that he wouldn't be happy for me but something in his voice made me question, despite how hard it was attempting to be lighthearted and positive.

"What's wrong, Sirius?" I asked more upfront.

He laughed.

"I don't need you checking up on me Arty, I'm fine!" He said in a smiley voice.

"You've folded that same pair of trousers three times now." I pointed out.

And with that his hands rested firmly onto the mattress, the trousers creasing under his weight as he leant into the firm pressure of the bed he was standing over. His head hung low and a loud sigh escaped his mouth.

"They're just not folding right." He said quietly.

"Here." I said and cautiously approached him from behind and released the grasp he had around the fabric to begin folding them myself and straightening out the clenched fabric.

Sirius kept his head hung low still as he remained palms pressed down to the mattress in a slouched stood position. The body language of someone whose exhausted, something I could recognise. A similar stance to Remus when his vision would have to adjust every time he stood up too quickly.

"Thank you." Sirius mumbled as I put his trousers in his case.

I say down on the bed next to the case and as I did the pressure difference I created meant that Sirius was unfrozen from his spot and he stood up straighter, his hair falling back down away from his face.

I could see him now, as I faced him.

It was like colour had been flushed from his face even though he left looking pink and blotchy.

I sat there in silence looking at him, hoping he'd create eye contact but he didn't. He just stared numbly at the wall opposite.

"I'm sorry." I found myself saying.

His eyes snapped to mine suddenly.

"What?" He seemed confused.

"I'm sorry." I repeated.

"For what?" He stayed confused.

"If it's upset you that we didn't invite you." I sadly smiled.
"We didn't invite anyone, though. It wasn't you." I added.

Sirius sadly smiled back, a huff of controlled laughter being concealed by him shaking his head.

"That's not it," he mumbled.

"Remus did want you as his best man...if we were going to do all of that. We've considered a renewal in a few years and do the whole big thing, but it just didn't feel right for us now." I explained.
"So if it makes you feel any better, you are always going to be his first choice." I smiled.

Sirius' smile subtly dropped and his eyebrows joined closer together.

"I'm not." He almost whispered.

"You are!" I protested.

"No...I'm not." Sirius repeated and cleared his throat again as if he was trying to shake off the heaviness that could be felt in the room.

"Sirius, you're his best friend! Don't be silly." I said. Remus considered James but no one else and if he couldn't have Sirius as a best man, we weren't going to have a traditional wedding.

"No," Sirius said and pinched the bridge of his nose with brewing frustration.
"James is my best friend. James."

"Okay?" I said confused and a little offended for Remus on his behalf at Sirius' need to clarify.

"Remus isn't my friend, Arty." Sirius said with a sigh.

I stayed silent out of a mixture of confusion and shock and my face must have given myself away completely. A puzzled energy radiating from me, with the mix that I felt defensive over Remus and I didn't know whether I had to speak up for him.

"Remus isn't my friend. But I'm his...do you understand?" He said with vulnerability.

I shook my head.

"I'm really happy for you both but I just can't celebrate. Do you understand?"

"Has he been rude to you? Because I can talk to him for you. Have you guys secretly fallen out because he does miss you!" I tried to figure out.

"No he hasn't been rude to me." Sirius lightly laughed though his eyes began growing pinker.

"If I said I'm happy for you but I'm very jealous, does that make more sense?" He tried again.

I was starting to feel incredibly stupid, as if I was having to figure out riddles. Everything about him contradictory. He was so calm despite radiating such heaviness. A really difficult energy to figure out.

"You'll find someone too though." I said hesitantly.

"Arty," Sirius huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose again.

He took a deep breath in, trying to expand his patience capacity.

"I've lost a lot this year. I never..." he cut himself short.

I stayed silent and there was a shallow intake of breath from Sirius before he sat down on the bed next to the suitcase I lingered around.

"He feels safe doesn't he?" Sirius said softly.

I nodded.

"How does he do that?" He asked almost in a whisper.

I shook my head.

"I don't know."

"I am really happy for you both." Sirius said running his hands through his hair.

I sat down next to him, placing my hand on his knee sadly.

"I knew I'd never be, yanno... I've always known- once he met you." Sirius sighed.

"I thought your feelings for him were..." I trailed off trying to find the right way to say it.

"Gone? Just a crush?" Sirius laughed at himself.

"It's not is it?" I asked softly.

Sirius shook his head.

"Pathetic isn't it?" He sadly smiled.

"No, Sirius..." I said heartbroken for him.

"I'm so alone." Sirius held in a cry, his throat sounding thick.

"No you're not, you have us." I said leaning in closer to him, not knowing what to do as a response to the heartbreak in his voice.

"I can't remember the last time someone really held me, Arty. I can't remember the last time I was kissed...I've never been loved." He almost choked out, trying desperately hard to keep it together.

"We love you, I love you." I said, putting my arm around him as his head collapsed into his hands.

"I thought he'd love me, for a split moment. A summer." He revealed.

"I know." I looked down awkwardly.

"I think I just reminded him of you." Sirius blinked out a tear.

"I don't know what to say, Sirius." I said honestly.

"I just feel like I'm tormenting myself being here. I used to be able to ignore it. Then reg..." he stopped, his breath shaking.
"Reg died and I just feel so targeted, by everything that hasn't gone my way. I just want one thing."

"Love?" I asked.

He nodded.

"I have moments where I feel insane, Arty." He revealed, his eyes darting up at me.
"I look at Lily and James and I'm so fucking jealous." He said letting anger infiltrate his voice.

I just listened.

"Then I look at how Remus looks at you and I feel violent. It isn't fucking fair! I've lost everything and if I can't have it, I don't want to see it. I don't want it to exist, any of you!" He revealed.

I wasn't intimidated by his words, I could tell he was hurting. Grieving a life he thought he'd live, and I suddenly got it- why he had run away and become so distant. His friends were constant reminders of how life and love continues and Sirius felt like he had neither.

There was suddenly a shuffle as the door opened.

Remus, looking confused and a little pissed off.

"Remus." We both said at the same time, Sirius instantly standing up and alert.

"We're supposed to be celebrating." Remus said bluntly, glancing down at the suitcase half packed.

"Remus, it's alright." I said softly, taking up the space between them.

"It's not Arty, it isn't. There's a time and place." Remus sighed.
"Unpack and come back down to the party."

Sirius hesitated, looking down at the floor and to the suitcase and then to me.

"We'd love you to stay, but..." I gave him a knowing look that if he needed to leave, I understood.

"I have to go." Sirius said bravely and looked Remus directly in the eye, standing up straighter.

"Fine. Run off again." Remus rolled his eyes.

It wasn't the time for this confrontation, but I knew how much Remus was missing his friend and frustrated that every time Sirius would leave, he wouldn't hear from him for weeks- often months. Remus was worried their friendship was fading...and it was. Remus felt abandoned by a friend he didn't know was leaving because he loved him too much.

Everything was beginning to make sense. The miscommunication, the secrets and the hiding disintegrating a strong bond. It became weaker and weaker each time Sirius avoided his reality. Remus was tired of trying to reach out, I knew this.

"I'm not running off." Sirius sighed, returning to folding clothes. Avoiding it again.

"I just don't understand why you have to do this all the time? All of the dramatics? Why can't we just have one normal get together without you disappearing and making it all about you?" Remus snapped.

"Remus..." I came up and placed my hands on his chest. The full moon was coming up soon which meant he was more reactive than usual.

"I'm going back downstairs." He sighed, taking a deep intake of breath to calm himself down and then abruptly left the room.

"I'm sorry." I apologised for Remus.
"He just misses you."

"I just need space."

"I get that."

"Or else I'm gonna explode."