Roxana

Apathy. I think this is the word. I am so tired and drained I do not even have the energy to cry.

I hope heaven exists, though I never believed in it. I hope it does and Dani is there and music is all around him, how he always liked it.

This place is so beautiful, so so beautiful. The whole city is at our feet, and around us is the smell of lilac and classical music tunes. And there is he, the boy I used to like while I still could feel something. Now I am only numb.

He said he would give me the money. Just like that. That is suspicious. That cannot be true, can it?

I swore that I would kill Ivan and that bill is still open and pending. Could I just leave now and find him?

"Roxi, what would you like to eat?"

"Nothing. I am not hungry," I whisper. 

"You don't feel like eating but you are most certainly hungry. Make an effort, please. What do you generally eat for breakfast?"

I look down at the dress; it's so pretty, dusty pink and flowing. This could have been such a happy moment.

"Usually coffee. And maybe cereals with milk, if I have milk, and if not, water. They are kinda' bad with water."

"Mio Dio. I used to wonder how it came to the fainting part, now I wonder how it didn't come to it earlier. In Italy, we eat sweet treats for breakfast mostly. But you are eastern and to my knowledge, you don't do that over there. Eggs? Pancakes? They can do everything you want just say something."

The waiter came and they had a rather long conversation I didn't bother to listen to.

"May I ask why you had cereals with... water for breakfast?"

"Because I didn't have money for milk."

"And why was that?" he asks again slightly amused as if he was speaking to a child.

"I had to send money to my family. Things have been... difficult since my mother died."

The smile disappears and after a moment of strange silence, he nods.

"I understand. That actually makes sense. Why was that so hard to say? You could have told me sooner. I mean way sooner. I would have refrained from the stingy comments and even invited you to eat. I can do some mad cooking."

"I don't like sharing details of my personal life with people I don't know."

"Right..."

What am I doing? I need to get a grip. I need a plan. I need a reason to live; I need something...

The waiter comes back with a variety of things: sweet pastry, omelettes, pancakes, fresh bread, butter, jam, and cheese; in short probably half of the damn menu.

"Take your pick. Coffee? You never actually told me how you drink your coffee."

"With a lot of milk and sugar."

"Blasphemy."

This takes me by surprise and I feel a bit like laughing. Why is he doing this? I don't want to laugh, I don't want to eat, I only want to sleep and never wake up. But I am alive; through a miracle I am alive so I need to make it worth it. I need to get Kary out of this mess and after that, I need to find Ivan and kill him.

It makes sense to be nice to Marco, regardless of context, regardless of who or what he is, and regardless of how I feel about it; he can be useful. So I smile and ask, "And you?"

"Black."

"Sounds like sadness."

"Sounds like truthfulness of the taste, and life is sad. "

Inhale, exhale and try again to smile.

"So, food? Don't let the money of my honourable grandpa go to waste."

"I wouldn't dare. He is frightening," I say and take a bite of the omelette. It is good. So, so good; as good as the first meal in more than forty-eight hours can be. I really hadn't eaten anything since before going to Moldova.

We eat in silence while he steals a glance at me once in a while with the corners of his lips going slightly upwards.

He is cute. The way he looks, the way he smiles, the way he talks most of all, and the way I feel when we are together.

He is a gangster, a murderer, someone just like Ivan or Vitali that are ruining the lives of people like me.

Out of nowhere, he puts his hand over mine on the table. Yes and the touch, I forgot that. It is maddening and right now it feels like a caress and a burn both at the same time. I want to move away. I should be truthful about what I think and retract my hand but somehow I don't; somehow I just linger for a while.

And it feels good and the good feeling is drowning me in guilt.

"Let's go. I need my phone." I stand up abruptly.

He does not protest. We are driving back in silence and when we get out of the car in front of the villa, which I can now properly look at in daylight, he subtly takes my hand again. And again, I would want to retract it but just don't. What's happening to you, Roxi?

The silence is short-lived because after entering the main hall of this painfully beautiful place, the old man who seems to own everything, probably even me to some extent, for the time being, is walking over, looking at us more than annoyed.

"Che cazzo hai in mente, ragazzo?/ What the fuck is in your mind, boy?"

"Non ho idea di cosa tu stia parlando./ I have no idea what you are talking about," answers Marco nonchalantly.

"Non sono dell'umore giusto per te che ti comporti da stupido./ I am not in the mood for you acting stupid."

He huffs, looks me up from head to toe and I shudder.

"Stefano Messina lo renderà personale se non gli restituiamo la ragazza. Non voglio un conflitto aperto con lui./ Stefano Messina will make it personal if we don't give him back the girl. I don't want an open conflict with him."

"Penso che sia già personale e un conflitto, da prima che la portasse qui./ I think it is already personal and a conflict, from before you got her here."

"Volevo solo che ti liberassi della tua ossessione, ma sembra che la stessi solo alimentando e fammi indovinare a cosa serve quel milione. Sto per caso sponsorizzando la scopata più costosa che questa famiglia abbia mai visto?/ I just wanted you to get rid of your obsession, but it seems I was only fueling it and let me guess what the million is for. Am I by any chance sponsoring the most expensive fuck in the history of this family?"

"No. Il risultato della scopata più costosa che questa famiglia abbia mai visto sta proprio davanti a te. Hai appena dato un milione./ No. The result of the most expensive fuck this family has ever seen stands right before you. You just gave me a million."

"Devi restituirla./ You have to give her back."

"Assolutamente no. Da quando hai paura di Stefano? Non sembrerebbe debolezza e codardia se la restituissi dopo aver ucciso alcuni uomini per ottenere ciò che volevo?/ Absolutely not. Since when are you afraid of Stefano? Would it not look like weakness and cowardice if I do give her back after I gunned down a few men to get my way?"

"Ragazzo stupido e insolente, pensavo fossi più intelligente anche poche ore fa e ora guardati./ You stupid, insolent boy, I thought you way smarter even a few hours ago and now look at you."

"Lorenzo, per favore. Prendilo come leva, un favore personale, una chiave per la mia obbedienza, ma lasciala stare. Bene?/ Lorenzo, please. Take it as leverage, a personal favor, a key to my obedience but let her stay. Okay?"

The eyes of the old man sparkle and it frightens me.

"Bene. Dimostrami che sai essere un buon capo e che puoi tenere la ragazza per il momento. Questo pomeriggio è il raduno dei clan amici francesi e di alcuni italiani, non ci sarà Stefano, solo Rosangela e Giovani e pochi altri minori. Torna con un buon affare e ti farò fare a modo tuo. Ma te ne vai da solo e te ne vai tra un'ora"./ Good. Prove to me you can be a good capo and you can keep your pet for the time being. This afternoon is a gathering of the friendly clans from France and a few Italian ones. Stefano will not be there, only Rosangela and Giovani and a few minor others. Come back with a good business deal and I will let you have your way. But you go alone and leave in one hour."

"Va bene, ma nel frattempo nessuno, e voglio dire, nessuno la sta toccando./ Okay, but in the meantime, nobody, and I mean nobody is touching her."

"Hai la mia parola./ You have my word."

I am listening frightened to this discussion and what I get is that I should be sent back.

"Come on, I have to hurry a bit," says Marco when we enter his suite again.

"Where are you going?"

"To a meeting to prove my worth so I can keep you. I know how it sounds and it is what it is. But please don't worry, I will be back in a few hours. It seems the maid brought your backpack with the things you brought with you. You can sleep or do whatever, just stay off the radar. Ok?"

And just like that, I see him fling the t-shirt he was wearing over his head and disappearing into the bathroom to come out twenty minutes later while buttoning up a crisp white shirt.

"Color?" he asks showing me two ties.

"None, too preppy. You have to look detached, cool... stuff like that, I think."

"Good take. Agreed," he answers smiling.

And again without me even being able to wrap my head around what was happening, he presses his forehead on mine and I look into his eyes more or less forceful.

"I am not lying; the million euros will reach whatever destination you want by the end of this week and I will be back as soon as I can."

And just like that, I am left alone with my thoughts and with the fear of opening my backpack and looking at the phone. I have to; I have to see what Vitali is up to. I have to call him and ask him about Ivan and when Marco is back I will tell him that I am leaving. My place is not here going to brunch and wearing pretty dresses. My place is chasing Ivan. This was just a strange break. A very strange break. My life is elsewhere.

There are several missed calls on my phone, some from Stefano, some from Tomaso, several from unknown numbers, and a few from Kary.

I search among the unknown numbers and find the only Moldavian one and press call hastily before my courage vanishes.

"Hello."

"Hello, Ivan. It's me, Roxana. I called because I have a million euros and I want Dani back ... or whatever is left of him."

"Filthy bitch! I am going to find you, fuck you bloody and afterwards I am going to cut you to pieces and sell them so that your remains will be spread all over the western hemisphere like your brother's."

"Fucking monster! What did you do to him?"

"Exactly what I told you. I needed money and you get good money for the organs of a healthy boy. But the financial damage you caused me is still not even after you burned my warehouse, you cunt. I am going to find you and kill you."

"Well come find me and let's see who dies first."

I end the call and scream. I just can't help it. I still had hope, a bit of hope but now I just feel like dying. I will kill him, even if it is the last thing I will do. I need to get away from here and kill him.

Kary, there is still Kary. Shaking I grab the phone I tossed and notice the broken screen.

Once again I press call but I can't speak I just can't stop sobbing.

"Roxi? Is that you? Are you alive? "

"I am."

"Where are you?"

"In Rome."

"What the fuck are you doing there? Were you not in Moldova?"

"Ivan, he sold Dani's organs. He cut him to pieces and sold him."

"Oh, Allah. Roxi... I am, I am sorry."

"I, I cannot let that happen to you too. I have a million. I will give it to Vitali to leave you alone."

"Roxi, listen. Stuff happened. Remember I told you a guy bought me off? Well, he went to my brother because they know each other and shamed the hell out of him for abandoning me like this in danger and letting some common western gangsters threaten me like that. And guess what? Now I have three bodyguards all the time and it looks like Vitali was advised more or less friendly by another guy higher up in the food chain to stay away from me."

"Oh my God. How?"

"I don't care but you don't have to worry about me. You only need to worry about yourself now, to get help and build your life back. I am going to help you and we are going to be fine, eventually."

"No, Kary. I am going to go to jail for homicide in the best-case scenario in the worst I am going to be dead. I love you but there is nothing I have to live for now."

"If you love me you don't leave me. Where are you? I am coming there."

"In Rome, I told you. With Marco."

"How? Is Marco not the brother of the other goon? Are they both there making your life miserable?"

"No. Stefano is in Sicily and they hate each other now. A lot. Marco killed Stefano's daughter, or so people say and Marco is now part of another clan. It's complicated but he does not hate me and even if he kills people for a living he does treat me nicely. I know it might be temporary because these people are crazy but it is what I have right now..." And my voice dissolves into sobs.

I inhale deeply.

"So this is the plan. I will go away from here and return to Moldova tomorrow and find Ivan."

"Roxi. Did you hear what you just told me?"

"What? Why is anything I just said relevant."

"Roxi. Focus. Give this guy the damn million and ask him to kill Ivan for you. Don't shoot blind and die, aim to kill."

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Aaand we are here.