Roxana

"Vanished? What do you mean by vanished?" I scream and can't help it. It's not Kary's damn fault but I can't help it.  

"I tried to find him. I even went to the police but they said that I was not his legal guardian. His legal guardian is hanging out with the mob in Sicily, which is info I cannot share. They told me he might just have gone to meet you. Damn idiots. And hmm... I couldn't get too much into details about my kidnapping part because the guy that helped is kind of coercing me not to."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! And you say it's Ivan, not Vitali?"

"Yes, Dani said so. He was very pissed with you and said a lot of unpleasant things according to Dani. He was speaking Russian so I couldn't understand but the kid said he threatened to kill you in really horrible ways."

There is real physical pain in my chest. He was hurting Dani for sure.

"I will call him now. And I will come to Switzerland to search for Dani."

"How? You are barely allowed to make a phone call."

"Yeah but now my reason to stay here doesn't exist anymore, so only death can stop me."

I hang up and call Ivan's old number. He doesn't answer even after several tries.
Next, I try Vitali.

"Buongiorno principesa! That's how they say it in Italy, isn't it?"

So he wants me to know that he knows where I am.

"Where is my brother? Ivan took him."

"Ivan is not part of our Organisation anymore." His tone is light and sprinkled with condescension. 

"You should make an effort to talk to him though because without Dani I don't see what I should give you the million for."

"For mm... What's her name? Karyme and for yourself unless you want to be fucked bloody every night till the million is paid off. With or without your brother you are in no position to make threats, my dear."

Fuck you.

"Then I ask you a favour. Please. Tell him to call me."

"I will see what I can do. But you owe me one and you know how I prefer my favours: in crisp five hundred bills."

"Sure..." I whisper and hang up.

The idiot didn't try to contact me because he does not want money, he wants revenge. And I just threw up on Stefano's carpet.

Ok. I want his attention. What do you do if you want a mobster's attention? Hmm, you go as close as possible to where you think he is and put a big target on your back. He knows I will come, or at least he relies on the fact that I will. So if I were him, would I stay in Switzerland or go to Moldova? In Moldova, he is searched for by the police. Still, he has most on his payroll. If he wants to play the king in the castle that would still be the better place.

Now the first problem is how do I get away from here? Stefano is not here yet. He might still be away for a day but maybe less. I need to finally shower; my skin feels gross for multiple reasons.

After the quickest shower of my life, I get dressed in the clothes Tomaso brought me, take my backpack, which holds my passport and wallet that Stefano luckily didn't take away, and start thinking. There was that back door of the garden that Marco showed me. I could try to use that one though it is unlikely that it is unguarded, most of all in this situation.

When I see the guys outside on the scaffolding it hits me: they need to load the rubble and other stuff in the van and bring it daily to the garbage dump and they don't really pay attention to what's going on.

Carefully, so that Tomaso does not see me, I exit and go to the yard. They are just preparing to leave.

"Hey Jungs, Frau Lange sagte ich soll mittfharen./ Hey guys, Miss Lange said I should come with you."

One of the guys looks at me slightly suspiciously.

"Der Wagen hat nur zwei Sitze, wo soll Dennis dann hin? Und hast du nicht gekündigt?/ The car has only two seats. Where should Dennis sit? And did you not quit?"

"Er soll hier bleiben. Nein, ich war nur im Urlaub./ He should sit this one out. No, I was just on leave."

"OK, meinetwegen./ OK, whatever."

Good. I get into the car and can already see the next problem. The guys at the gate might know what's up with me.

"Ahh, Schieße. Weißt du, Andre.../ Ah shit, you know Andre..." I say while we drive slowly to the exit, happy that I remember this guy's name. "Ich hatte mal was mit einem der Bodyguards am Tor. Es ging nicht gut und ich würde ungern jetzt mit ihm reden müssen. Ich tauche mal unter, OK? / I uh, had once a little something with one of the bodyguards at the gate and it ended nasty. I would not really like him to see me and have an awkward moment. I will try to hide a bit down here, OK?"

He looks at me wide-eyed.

"Du bist eine. Aber Damian hat tasächlich erzählt dass du was mit einem Bodyguard von hier hattest und das der Typ irgendwie gefärlich ist. / You are weird. But Damian did mention that you had something with a bodyguard guy from here and that the guy is a bit strange and dangerous."

Damian, you bitch. Since when do you talk about this kind of stuff with the guys? If I get out of this alive you will have an ear full. But it works fucking wonders and we are out of the villa.

In Taormina, Andre goes to a gas station to fill the tank.

"I'll go pay, you wait here," he says, and my eyes start shining when I see the key that he left carelessly in the car.

With light speed, I slip onto the driver's seat and off we go. In twenty minutes, not caring about speeding tickets I certainly got, I am at the airport and board the first flight to Chisinau. Tomaso, Andre, I am really sorry. I know you will get in trouble; I hope it will not be too bad though. 

There are five missed calls from Kary, when I get off the plane. 

She answers at the first ring but is sobbing so hard I can't understand her.

"Kary, calm down. What happened? Did Vitali try to hurt you?"

"N...No."

"Ivan?"

Silence.

"What the fuck happened?" I feel the unease creeping up on me. More of it, if that is even possible. 

"He... He sent a ....box." All blood drains from my face.

"What was in the box, Kary?"

Sobs.

"Answer me, god damn it!"

She starts crying again.

"A.... Pinky f... Finger."

I drop the phone and sink to my knees.

I guess I am experiencing a Proustian moment but of the awful kind. My gaze becomes cloudy and I am suddenly fifteen years in the past.

I am staring at the little bundle my mother brought home with her. He was born prematurely and looked so small and fragile. Still, when I pat his little hand, he grabs my finger and I am convinced that is how love at first sight is supposed to feel. My fairly young heart was flooded with candour and an urge to protect that hasn't left me ever since.

And now? I know what it means when Ivan does some cutting. I know what it means when he sends such presents; I remember what it meant when he sent me my father's hand.

Can a crazy person pinpoint the exact moment when they lose their mind? I suppose not, but for me, it feels so clear now, like looking in a mirror. I am staring at the abyss and the abyss is staring back at me. Hello darkness my old friend, I have never embraced you as I should have.

"Roxi! Roxi! Talk to me! What are you doing? Don't do anything stupid," Kary is screaming in the phone.

"Kary. You should leave Bern and go to another country. I love you dearly but it is not safe for you to talk to me ever again. I am so grateful for everything and so terribly sorry for everything I put you through."

"What are you going to do, Roxi? For fuck's sake, Roxi?! You are not okay. You cannot be alone right now."

"I am going to set the world on fire, Kary, and I am going to burn with it."

"Roxi, please, I beg you, don't do anything stupid. I don't want you to die. I need you."

"But I am not good for people; they always die around me. As hard as I try to keep them alive they always die in the end. I swear to God, I did everything. I tried everything and still everything turned to shit in the end."

"Please, Roxi, calm down. I love you, we are going to figure it out."

"There is nothing to figure out, Kary. I am going to kill him."

"You are going to die and he will be just fine, sitting and laughing at you. He has, money, he has men and he is ruthless. And you are one girl, fucking alone and fragile."

"Yeah, I am alone, but I have nothing left to lose."

I am not sure how I did it, at what pace, if it looked strange, or what people were thinking. It probably did, a small girl going into the bad places in town and buying gallons of gasoline and a gun. Do I know how to shoot? Not really, but I am an engineer. I am good with devices; I will figure it out.

It is good, nobody saw me coming. And it is only a short trail of gasoline I need to lay towards Ivan's warehouse where he keeps the coke and the guns. If the fire gets there, it will explode quickly. Climbing over the fence: piece of cake. Avoid being seen, also. The building is not guarded severely because everybody in here is afraid of him and of his revenge, so as a consequence, he isn't afraid of a lot of people.

And now? Burn, motherfucker, burn... And I drop the lighter. It's oddly fascinating how the flames rise and swallow the warehouse. I watch it burn from afar. Till somebody gets alerted it burns almost to the half.

And now, bitch, come and find me. I am waiting for you. I am so strangely calm. No puking, no anxiety. I just enter a bar, me and the gun in my backpack, and we have a drink. Rachiu. I hate the taste but the smell reminds me of my father. Are you in heaven, Daddy, or do you burn in hell? I am sorry, but in this brief moment, I can only hope for the latter. You killed your son. Okay, maybe my bad decision also killed your son but at least I fucking tried to save him. But you, you looked at us, cried and drank some more, you looked at us and gambled just another bit. It's on you because I can't bear the fact that it might be on me.

After my second glass, I decide it's enough. I still need to be aware of my surroundings. Now I just wait. It's painful. And it takes a while.

Dude, how long does it take you to get to me? I set your warehouse on fire and I am literally at the bar two streets away watching it burn.

There is noise outside. Finally. It was starting to get creepy. There is a shot and some screams. It's four in the morning; there are not many people out there. In the bar are only two drunk guys and the bartender.

Come on, Ivan, what's taking you so long? I am impatient today. In the end, I decide to exit and say hello myself, to be done with it.

There are indeed some thugs outside the bar. I walk towards them.

"Где твой босс? Я прямо здесь жду его./ Where is your boss? I am right here waiting for him."

A bright red dot appears on the bald head of the man, and after that several others on me and on him. Hmm...

"Signorina, mani in alto. Vieni con noi./ Miss hands in the air; you are coming with us."

Oh, you are not the mobsters I have expected... Damn you Stefano, that was fast. My compliments.