Roxana

Texts, calls, emails; I mostly wish I could throw my phone out the window. Nothing good can come from it at the time being.

Same as last night when the past came knocking through that damn device. Nothing good can come from that either.

When I saw Bogdan's text I could barely believe my eyes. Mercury must be retrograde or something because we haven't heard from each other for three years.

Bogdan and I have, of course, history. Lots of it. We were together during the whole four years of university. It was love at first sight and the relationship was extremely beautiful, at first. I felt loved and happy as never before... or after, to be honest.

Bogdan was born into a well-off family. Even if not super-rich they were way better off than my parents. Nothing wrong with that in itself. In the beginning, he seemed to not care about my rather humble origins. He found it cute that I had never traveled to fancy destinations, or that I was not taught how to ski, and that I was always so enthused and grateful for every small present that he was making me. I actually was, but it was never about the present, it was about his love and attention. 

We planned to get married after graduating, open our own company, and work together. He would do the design and I would do the engineering work. Bogdan is an architect. I have a thing for architects it seems. Silly me, because they seem to never have a real thing for me. 

After my mom died I was very depressed for a while. A while? I think I have been depressed ever since but I don't like to show it. There still are good things in my life left. I like to joke around with the people at work, I love my family, even if kind of broken, and seeing Christian makes me feel happy even if he will not notice me ever. Still, a part of me died that day with Mom, and another one withered slowly away every time Dad got drunk and I had to take over his responsibilities. 

Bogdan said one day, I think a year and a half after Mom's death, that he didn't recognize the girl he fell in love with anymore. I just stared into his eyes and knew deep down she was gone to never return. 

Many things about me had changed; the way I acted and related to the world had changed. I didn't go dancing with him anymore as we used to, I didn't take care of myself appearance-wise as I always did, I wasn't bubbly and funny anymore and I was rarely in the mood to have sex. We used to do so many fun things together. Ballroom dancing was our favorite hobby; it was magic. 

I used to be one of those super polished girls who always paid attention to wearing pretty clothes and perfect make-up. What a difference to who I am now. He always said, his favorite thing about me, are my little, perfectly polished fingernails. Now they are cut short and I didn't paint them in years. My hair was not cut in years either and I don't remember when I put make-up on the last time. What for? The guys on site don't care how I look, and that is great. 

I stare again at the message.

//Hey, cum eşti? Nu am mai vorbit de mult. Am auzit ca trăieşti in Elveţia acum./ Hey, how are you? We didn't talk in quite some time. I have heard you live in Switzerland now.//

Only that, nothing deeper, but it still managed to stir me up. It brought back memories of happier days, of who I used to be.  

That day, after our graduation ceremony, Bogdan got really angry with me because I left for Moldova without attending the party. He broke up with me over text. A damn short text after four years of relationship, saying that I had changed and that he didn't love me anymore, so he wanted to spend some time apart. 

That stupid text came while I was riding with my dad in the ambulance so I didn't have time to care at that point. I called him the next day, after Ivan's visit, which I still try actively not to remember in too much detail. I was crying and hoping he would say he changed his mind, that he had been just angry, that he loved me and didn't want to leave me. How wrong I was. He was still angry, screaming and questioning why it took me so long to call, and blaming me for not caring about him.

In the end, I explained the situation, and humiliated and ashamed, I asked him for the money Dad owed Ivan. 

That was yet another mistake, a big one. He called me a gold digger, said that I was after his money all along and that I should never call him again. That had been our last conversation. Delightful, right?

I should have been more attentive to his needs, I should have taken better care of him, and I should have told him more often how important he was to me and how much I loved him. Sometimes I feel I deserved him to leave me but not in that way.

 It took me years to get over him but he seemingly only needed a few weeks to get over me. To slam the door shut on a chapter of my life, he and my former best friend Ana thought it was a good idea to date... each other. I mean yeah, we were not a couple anymore and he can date whomever he wants, but out of all people, her? And don't even get me started on her. 

When I found out I was already in Switzerland, accompanied only by the cold in that country, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. It was a merry, colorful social media post that made me decide that he died for me that day. If only it would be that easy. If only my eyes would not have shot open when I saw that text only to remind me that even subconsciously I still cared. 

"Rox? Rox?! Was' los mit dir heut'?/ Rox? Rox?! Sup' with ya' today?" says Damian, the leader of the Polish worker team. 

I shake my head to shake the useless thoughts away.

"Nichts, lass es. Alles gut,/ Nothing, leave it. It's all good," I say and force a smile. 

I like Damian, as I like his whole team. They are like family to me. One would have thought that they would disrespect me, mock me, or hit on me for being the only woman here, but it was nothing like that. From the beginning, they were nothing but kind. 

Damian always brings a cup of coffee for me to drink when we do our rounds early morning and go over the plan for the day. His dad, Jakub, who is also working with us, even invited me to their house for Christmas dinner last year knowing that I could not travel to see my family because of work and that my roommate does not celebrate Christmas. He even told me to bring Karyme along because, Christian or not, nobody should be alone for Christmas.

I always had their back when it came to conflicts with other companies, pay cuts, or other stuff. 

"Peter hat gesagt das der kleine Chef heute sehr schlecht gelaunt ist. /Peter said that the little boss is very cranky today."

By 'little boss' they mean Christian and I can imagine why he is cranky. 

We end our round and I get back to the office to find Peter exiting Christian's office as angry as can be. Christian follows him outside. 

"Ich bin immer noch dein Arbeitgeber, Peter!/ I am still your employer, Peter!" he screams, visibly frustrated.

"Und ich bin den bester Mann. Du kannst es dir nicht leisten mich zu verlieren, Christan, also untersteh dich. Es ist soweiso besser wenn wir keine Geschäfte mit diesen Leuten machen,/  And I am your best employee. You cannot afford to loose me. It is anyway better to not do business with those people," says Peter, holding his ground. 

I bow my head ashamed, knowing very well who the cause of the newest office drama is. 

Christian just throws me a fugitive frown and goes back to his office, slamming the door shut. 

"Was war das?/ What was this about?" I ask Peter, looking up at him. 

Peter is around fifty years old, gray-haired, and almost two meters tall. Though I love my dad more than anything, Peter has been a father figure in my life over the past two years, a mentor and support I bitterly needed. 

"Nichts wichtiges. Christian muss erwachsen werden. Mach dir nichts draus. Komm schon, Rocky, wir müssen los, heute gibt es viel zu tun. / It doesn't matter. Christian has to grow up a bit. Don't think about it. Come on, Rocky, we have to go. There's plenty to do today."

Rocky, that's his pet name for me, after Rocky Balboa, 'cause he says I have the attitude of a fighter but the height of Thumbelina.  

After five hours of work outside I return to the office, almost frozen to an icicle, to do some paperwork. 

Christian is gone already and for a change, I am happy about it. I hope he will forgive me quickly. I have to apologize but I don't dare to face him yet. 

The office is almost empty, with only a few people left. I love it when it's like this, silent. I can collect my thoughts and dive into reviewing plans, planning the day for tomorrow, approving invoices, and so on. 

Everything is smooth and peachy for an hour till I hear and see red stilettos walking over and beautiful, red fingernails clicking on the surface of my desk. 

"Ja, Lisa. Was kann ich für dich tun?/ Yes Lisa, what can I do for you?" I ask as calmly as possible. 

"Nichts, ich bin nur neugierig./ Nothing. It's just, I am curious."

"Weswegen? / About?"

"Ich weiß nicht was du dir gestern Abend dabei gedacht hast als du so gekleidet zu einem Bussiness-Meeting erschienen bist und auch noch so eine Show abgezogen hast. Es ist offensichtlich dass der Kunde, Christian nach all dem nicht mehr ernst nehmen konnte. /About what you were thinking last evening, good Lord. To come dressed like that to a business meeting and put on the show that you did. It's obvious Christian could not be taken seriously by the client after that."

Now, what am I supposed to answer to this crap? I don't want another conflict with her. I could ask her how her hand on the guy's crotch could help Christian in being taken seriously but that would not help in making me more popular with any of them. So I decide to say... nothing. 

"Du weißt schon dass Christian so wütend ist dass er dich feuern wollte. Peter hat ihn nur davon abgehalten. / You do know that Christian wanted to fire you. Peter was the one that convinced him not to."

My face turns bleach-white. I somehow didn't think it was that bad. I have been working for this company for two years now and have always done a good job. We are always on time and on budget with my projects and Peter is always happy with my work.  The utter idiot that I am was thinking about a raise or a promotion and now I am looking at the situation where I might get fired. 

I feel like fainting. There still are six months left to pay Ivan, obviously no backup plan and if I get fired I have to return to Moldova. My brain is on overdrive. I only think about the ten thousand euros I still owe, blood, beating, and other stuff from that family. 

"Lisa, es tut mir leid. Wenn ich dich je verärgert habe entschuldigen ich mich aufrichtig dafür. Bitte, ich habe diese Arbeit bitter nötig. Du musst Christian davon überzeugen mich nicht zu feuern./ Lisa, I am sorry. If I ever upset you with anything, I am deeply sorry. Please, I need this job. You need to convince Christian not to fire me," I say profusely humbled and desperate. 

"Wow. Beruhige dich. Ugh... hast du nicht gehört was ich gesagt habe? Peter hat ihm davon überzeugt das nicht zu tun./ Wow. Calm down. Ugh. Didn't you hear what I said? Peter convinced him not to. God, you are weird," she says, slightly condescending and walks  away.

I am a complete mess for the rest of the evening and can't get any work done so I go home. 

While I turn the key into the lock I hear strange sounds from inside. 

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These first chapters are about getting to know the characters. I hope they are fine though. It is soon getting more exciting.  ;)

What are you curious about? Hit me. 

And the picture:

This are Damian and Roxi hanging out on a scaffolding in the morning. That's about the real size difference; he is 1,90 m and she is 1,60.