Roxana

Monster.

I wish you die a horrible death, Ivan, and one day I will see to it because I also died because of you; I died a slow death under the burden of fear for years and another death facing my father die, and the hope in my heart, that I held onto stubbornly turning to ashes.

I guess you just can't be the same again after what I saw, after how I saw a person I loved dearly die.

My consciousness is floating between extreme pain and profuse numbness.

"Yes, it is okay to incinerate his body. I know, he will not go to Orthodox heaven if you do so, but I assure you he does not care," I say in the end to the employee of the police station that has one too many opinions.

My mom was cremated too. It's unusual for Eastern Europe. They say you were made from clay and you should return to it after your death. 'They' say a lot of stuff I don't care about anymore.

My mom was the only person to fully understand my dad, and she loved him dearly. The person she knew however was not the same I had to deal with lately. But regardless, my resentment seems only a drop in an ocean of pain and loss. He didn't deserve to die the way he did. He was a good father, most of the time at least.

They found his body in a small lake on the outskirts of the city, barely recognizable. I tried. I tried so hard to prevent this from happening but I failed.

All the good memories we shared come into my mind: my very happy childhood, all my life except the last three years. And now? Now Dani and I are alone in the world.

Alexandru said that as bad as it might seem there is a good part. Now they can charge Ivan with murder and that will mean many years behind bars. It's also that, I am now theoretically debt-free. I have to start over and put my life together but I feel so incredibly broken and enraged by this world that just took and took stuff from me lately without giving anything in return.

I tried to remain positive, to see the good things but at this moment nothing seems worth it. I have reached the point where I am looking at the world with a bitter taste in my mouth. It took a while and a hell of a lot of death and misfortune but it feels like it finally broke me.

Dani understands that it is too dangerous to come to Dad's funeral. I mean, in theory, it shouldn't be, but I still prefer him to stay away. Maybe some of Ivan's thugs are still out there; I don't want to take any risks.

In the evening, after I finish with the police statements and all that, my mind wanders briefly to the future. I am left with no money, probably no job and now I am the only one able to take care of my brother.

My family didn't own property. They sold Grandma's house to pay for Mom's and her hospital bills and Dad sold almost everything valuable in our home to pay for alcohol.

A recruiting process takes time and I need money now. I suppose my best chances are to call Christian, apologize, and beg him not to fire me. Truth be told I think he will accept; it will be way more difficult to find someone new. The humiliation does not even sting so much when you know why you are doing it.

Just be done with it, I tell myself while pressing the call button.

"Christian Richter, hallo," he answers the phone as people usually do in Switzerland.

"Hi, Christian. It's me... Roxana."

"Roxana. Hmm."

"Listen, Christian, before you say anything. I am very sorry for how I have reacted in our last call."

Yes, I am sorry for how I said everything not for what I have said but pride will not feed my baby brother.

"You just left. That is highly unprofessional. Those are grounds to fire you if you don't turn up at work."

"I know it was wrong."

Yes, I was wrong to scream and all; bad chess move.

"I will accept even a pay cut, just don't fire me right now. I really need the money."

"Okay. Twenty-five percent less and you are tomorrow first thing in the morning on-site in Sicily."

This was easier than expected. Ok, a twenty-five percent pay cut is nasty but given the fact that I don't have to give Ivan money anymore, it's something I can live with. It is still a bit strange.

However, I have to make it to Italy by tomorrow at six. I need to hurry.

It comes indeed to the point where I pawn everything I can find of value in the house to be able to gather the money for a last-minute plane ticket. Next month I have to come back to cancel the rent of the apartment, but those are problems of future Roxi.

Present Roxi just pawned her mother's jewels, the only things of value dad didn't sell and is sitting miserably on a flight to Sicily of seven hours and two stops when it's usually two hours. Guess what, I am still wearing the pony t-shirt that I washed in the sink and my shoulder is still hurting.

I suppose my Swiss insurance is valid in Italy too so I can go to the doctor for free. As mentioned, problems of future Roxi, because present Roxi is busy falling asleep between tears on the plane.

I am sorry, Daddy. I am so, so sorry.

My dreams on the plane are disturbing. I see Ivan threatening me, I see him hurting Dad, I see my father drowning in that lake. The way his body looked when they got him out is not something I will ever forget. I just wish I could though, I wish I could forget the past days if not the past years.

In one of the stops, I manage to call Kary and let her know that I am going straight to Italy. I need a plan here too; I can't let my friend take care of my brother. She has her own life and she has done more than enough to support me.

Damian is picking me up at the airport. I can barely look him in the eyes. I confess full of shame that I cannot return his money this month.

"Das ist kein Ding. Wir Bauarbeiten verdienen eigentlich recht gut,/ No biggie, we site people make actually pretty good money," he says, quite unaffected.

My head is heavy and I feel nauseous. I don't remember how long I am awake, is it twenty-four hours or forty-eight? Regardless, I need to resist nine more.

"How are things at work? What is planned for this morning?" I ask Damian. It's quite embarrassing because I am the one that should know that.

"Nothing special. We need to evaluate the roof structure. The old man from that village near Taormina will come to have a look. You set it up for today at nine, remember? But Rox, you look very pale. Are you sure you want to come to work? Call in sick and sleep."

"I can't. Boss will fire me. We had a call before I left that was quite heated."

"I don't think he will. Nobody from the office wants to come to stay here long term. It's only us site people and you."

"Hey, don't you enjoy my company?"

"Ah, shut up. I am concerned about you. Your father just died, even I am afraid to ask how, and you want to come to work. You are a tough cookie."

Today there are a lot of cars on the road, so we arrive ten minutes late. Bernardo, the old gentleman we are supposed to meet is already there talking to Tomaso. Are Italians not supposed to be late? Now I have to go there dressed in my pony T-shirt and so tired that I feel dizzy and jittery.

I need a coffee.

When I walk past the main yard, I catch a glimpse of Marco. He is escorting two men in suits; they are guests, not bodyguards. I realize that I have seen at least one of them before at that ominous gathering Stefano had when I should have been gone but wasn't. The Arabian man who didn't like to sniff cocaine is looking in my direction and I hurry away. The last thing I need today is attention from another obscure guy.

God, it's so hot today. When did the temperature rise so much? It's early in the day and in the year. I still have my jacket on, but I can't take that thing off because of the T-shirt.

My brain is overflowed with images of the last days while I struggle to pay attention to Tomaso who is translating what Bernardo is saying.

We are up on the roof and are marking down what needs to be replaced and repaired. It's a special structure, late baroque framing with later alterations. Bernardo knows his business and seems to be a nice person but I listen for a minute and my brain is seeing bloody hands and other unpleasant things.

I can't focus and I am hot, so terribly hot.

"Dove e signor Messina?/ Where is Mr. Messina?" asks Bernardo.

That much I understand and I would like to know too. To be honest, I am glad he is gone. Being touched inappropriately is the last thing I need today. Can't wait for this damn day to be over.

I need to call Dani. He is sad and grieving, I suppose, though Kary said he seems fine in the given situation. Damn, I have again drifted away from the conversation. I nod, making it seem I am listening carefully.

The coffee didn't help; it only made me want to throw up. Bitch, you can't puke in the middle of a business meeting. Hold your shit together.

Finally, we go down from the roof to the scaffolding. This part is over, now we need to discuss prices and timelines and... I can't focus, Lord help me.

Marco and the strange guys are walking through the garden close by. He looks cute today. Meeting him was the only good thing that happened lately and that dance, that was dope. Why is he always wearing these dark clothes? I mean he does look pretty hot in the black suit but other colors would suit him so much better; he has such a beautiful complexion. 

Not your business, Roxi. But you would want it to be your business, admit it. You want some distraction. You could really use it... You would like to think about this guy when you go to sleep, to see his face in your dreams and feel his hands on your skin like when you were dancing. His hands could also go lower than the small of your back. Admit it, you wouldn't mind at all. And you really need to concentrate. Snap out of it, it's weird how you are simping here over this poor guy that is only minding his own business. He really is; he didn't look over at all. Zero. See, you are the weirdo. Just stop it.

Why are they coming here? It's not like I don't have enough concentration issues today. Just ignore them; whatever they do is none of your business and the other way around.

The Arabian man is looking at me. He is handsome. It's weird. It's not a weird perverted look. Believe me, I know one when I see one and there have been many lately, but not now. Oh damn, I got distracted again. The guys are already down and now apparently the Arabian man is asking Tomaso something. Dude, just go away and take Marco with you.

OK, whatever. Just go down. God damn it how warm it is and my shoulder is still hurting. I don't have a fear of heights but the damn ground just goes blurry and so does my vision.

Blurry and then dark.