Three Years Ago

The last time I saw Dick with that look in his eyes was just before he and Robin went AWOL. I'd long since stopped living at Wayne Manor and after a mini disappearing act of my own, I'd found my way back to him and his loft apartment. At the time, I hadn't intended on staying very long, just looking to use my GCPD connect to look into something, but as with the rest of my life it just never went as planned. What should've been a few days visit turned into a few months of me living with my favorite kind of drug. Dick would tease me about how easy it had been to get me to stay, but I always saw the uncertainty that lived on his face when he woke up in the morning or came home.

Eventually, the voice in my head whispering for me to leave before I could corrupt him grew silent. Unfortunately, by the time it returned, it was too late.

As a Detective for GCPD, Dick was able to know more about high profile cases and inmates; including Tony Zucco. I don't know why, but when Zucco was first taken into custody, I assumed that fire in Dick would snuff out or at least burn at a more containable rate inside of him. The man responsible for the death of his parents and the upturning of his world was caught and would serve time in Black Gate Penitentiary.

But then, I guess, I never took in account how corrupt Gotham was and how desperate the police were. They cut a deal with Zucco for information on the Maroni family; people the police department thought were more important to get off the streets. A deal that inadvertently belittled the Grayson's deaths and fueled Dick's rage into something I'd never seen.

A person I'd never seen.

He came home slamming the door, shoving his keys into his pocket instead of dropping them on the table. He didn't so much as glance my way as he crossed the living room space to his liquor cabinet in the kitchen. "Thanks, I missed you too," I said sarcastically over my shoulder. The only response I got were the clanging of glasses. With a sigh, I hoisted myself up from the sofa and trailed after him. I leaned on the edge of the counter, arms crossed over my chest as I stared at him.

"What's your damage, Grayson?" I inquired as he downed his glass of whiskey and poured himself another. "When you left for work earlier, you couldn't wait to get there and see Zucco behind bars. Now you're swallowing whiskey like you never want to see straight again. What happened today?"

Dick finished his second glass, silently pouring a third. He looked at the extra drink beside him and nudged it towards me. "You're not going to make me drink alone, are you?" he asked flatly, eyes finally finding their way to me. They were rimmed red in a familiar way that broke something in me. "Please, Madds."

I took the glass with a sigh and taking a gulp that made me wince. There was an odd after taste that flooded the inside of my mouth, but I couldn't place it. My mind was too preoccupied otherwise to dwell on the difference much. "Now tell me what's wrong."

Dick drank half of his glass before staring down at the rest as he spoke. "They're letting him walk. Zucco. He murdered my parents and who knows how many others, but they're letting him walk."

"What the actual fuck?" I breathed out incredulously. "How—why?"

"They cut him a deal. Less years on his sentence if he flips on the Maroni's. he took the deal so fast, the ink wasn't even dried on the paperwork."

"I know I'm not a cop or something, but that doesn't sound like he's getting off to me," I said carefully. "He's still going to do time and honestly, if he flips—"

Dick slammed his fist down on the counter hard, the remnants of both our drinks sloshing back and forth in their glasses. I just stared at him calmly as he looked at me again, his eyes filled with anger. "He's not going to do any time, Madalyn," he nearly growled, "Guys like him never do; he's too well connected. That's how he got the fucking deal in the first place. He says he'll flip on the Maronis in exchange for protection for himself and his family, then he'll feed the department a tiny detail that ends up accurate. It won't be anything too big, just enough to get him some favor and to connect back to be under protection in our custody, he'll miraculously break out and end up relocated somewhere out of our jurisdiction and where he can't be touched. I've seen this play before. I'm not letting him do it."

"Did you try telling whoever is in charge of his case?"

"Yeah and all they said was that they have it handled. They won't even let me volunteer to keep an eye on him. Said I was too much of a liability."

I winced at his words, both of us finishing our drinks in unison as I tried to think of something to say. We so rarely needed words between us, yet in that moment, the silence felt like a branding iron on my skin. His chance at peace was snatched away from him, tearing him down inside and I couldn't think of a single thing to comfort him. "Have you spoken to Bruce about—"

"Fuck Bruce," he snapped. "He's the reason this is even happening. If I'd just done what I wanted since I was a kid, if I'd just fucking killed Zucco—"

"Dick, you can't be serious," I scoffed, standing as straight as I could manage. The world around me had started swaying, no matter how hard I gripped the marble countertop in front of me. I'd only had the one drink; I couldn't possibly be feeling it already. "That's not who you are. We've talked about this over the years, remember? You're the level headed one, the one that literally works night and day to clean up Gotham. The one that makes sure assholes like Tony Zucco suffer for what they put others through. I'm the one that kills without remorse of care for consequences, not you."

"Maybe there's a part of me you don't know."

"Killing someone in cold blood breaks you," I said, ignoring his words. My vision was blurring more with each second, my eyelids growing heavier, but I willed myself to focus solely on him. "It will break you, Grayson. There's no coming back from that."

"Why does it sound like you're trying to save Tony Zucco?" he demanded, his anger mixed with betrayal in his voice. Hearing it was like a pierce through my chest.

"I could give two shits whether or not that bastard dies. The only one I'm trying to save, is you." I moved to reach out for him but lost my balance, tipping hard to the side.

His reflexes completely unhindered by the drinks he'd consumed, Dick moved swiftly to catch me. Despite the pained look in his eyes, he held me up with the same love and care he always held me with. Instead of asking if I was okay, he said softly. "Something told me this was the way it was going to go. I just hoped I would've been wrong."

"What... did you do?" I asked drowsily, earning a sad smile.

"What had to be done."

All I managed in return was a confused look before everything went dark.

*     *     *     *     *

It was hours later when I regained consciousness, sitting up on the sofa where Dick had evidently left me. The view through the loft windows was nearly pitch black from the late hours. My brain felt like it was pounding against my skull. My mind was still a little foggy, but one thing was abundantly clear. "That son of a bitch drugged me," I mumbled to myself. I reached for my phone to check the time, annoyed to see three hours had passed.

I didn't know where or when Dick's revenge would take place, so I turned to the quickest outlet I could. With the press of a few buttons, I sat on the edge of my seat, focused entirely on the newscaster on the screen. "The police have no definitive leads at this time, but given the victim and means of death, it is not hard to connect it back to previous crime associates. It is only a matter of narrowing down such a list for the forces at GCPD. We will be following this story closely, but for now the only facts we have to offer are the victim and means. For those of you just tuning in, I'm reporting live from the scene of notorious criminal Tony Zucco's murder tonight. While under police custody, it was here that he was shot and killed earlier this evening..."

I couldn't help it, I let out a sigh of relief at her words. Yes, Tony Zucco was dead, but he was shot. Dick didn't use guns, except for his day job and even then he avoided it unless absolutely necessary. And besides that, there was no way he would be stupid enough to leave behind something to connect back to him. No matter how pissed he'd been when he went out there, he wasn't an idiot.

The front door opened then and I looked over to see a resigned looking Dick, seemingly lost in his own world. I waited in silence until he noticed me, partially because my own anger was beginning to surface. No matter the outcome of his night, I knew it had taken a toll and I didn't want to add on to it.

...much.

"So... you drugged me," I said flatly when his eyes finally fell on me. They were as dark and empty as my tone, which terrified me. Those weren't the eyes of the man I loved; but they were familiar in a whole other way.

"I did what I had to."

"Yeah," I laughed bitterly. "So you said. Thing is, I don't see how drugging me was even an option, let alone something you had to do."

"Something told me you weren't going to be on board with my decision and I couldn't afford you trying to stop me. I didn't want you to stop me."

"Which is exactly why I should've," I replied. "You once told me that if you're planning on doing something stupid its always easiest to tell because you won't want anyone involved or interfering. And when that happens you should stop and listen to whoever it is because they're only there to help."

"That was different."

"How was that different?"

"Because I was trying to get you to stay, to trust me when you thought you couldn't trust anyone," he answered, the first spark of emotion since the conversation started. "I said it because you were trying to leave and I didn't want you to. Having you at the manor was the first time I felt like there was someone around who wouldn't judge me for my little extracurriculars. If I had to lie to get you to stay, are you surprised that I would?"

"Bullshit," I spat. "Bullshit, Grayson. If there's one thing we've ever agreed on completely, it's that we don't lie to each other. So don't fucking start now." I watched the muscle in his jaw twitch as he clenched his teeth, my hands balling into fists before me. I forced a deep breath, trying to regain control of myself.

"Why didn't you want me to do it?" he asked into the silence, surprising me. His voice was thick and low, eyes intense as he stared me down. "For as long as you've known me, you've known how I wanted this to end. So why did that suddenly need to change for you?"

"I told you already. You're not a murdered, you're too good for that. Yeah, I've known all along how you felt about this, but when I helped you catch him and you opted to bring him to the station... I felt oddly relieved."

"Why?" he pushed on.

I bit down on my tongue, feeling shitty about the words about to leave my mouth. The only thing worse than saying them was knowing that somehow, Dick had figured it out on his own. "Because it gave me hope. If you could have a change of heart like that for the worthless piece of shit that took your family from you, then maybe I could too. Maybe, when I eventually find the truth about my past, I would be able to do the right thing too. Or, more immediately, I could not kill everyone that pisses me off. You make me think that I can be better and the thought of you killing someone... I just couldn't take it." The last response I expected from my words was laughter. "What's so funny?"

"Us," he answered, his brief chuckles slowing. I couldn't help but flinch at his answer, but waited quietly for the explanation. "You were viewing me like some kind of proof that the broken can change for the better. Meanwhile, I was viewing you as proof that even if I'd killed him, that wouldn't change me for the worst."

"Hate to break it to you, but I think you've had the wrong role model for that all along."

Dick didn't bother responding to my words. Instead, he kept going to let out everything he'd been holding on to about his night. "For the record, I hated doing what I did to you. I wanted to take care of this on my own, no interruptions. And when you insisted that I didn't go through with it, it felt like you were abandoning me. I know you weren't, but it's what I felt and it broke me more inside. Because if you didn't support me in this one, important thing in my life than what did it matter what I did or what happened to me? I wasn't thinking right and the anger just added fuel to the fire when I left.

"I didn't know how I was going to kill him, but I knew this was going to be Tony Zucco's last night alive. And then when I got there... it was like a switch flipped inside of me and I was just moving without thinking about it. I was beating the shit out of him and I swear...just a few more hits and he would've been dead. Then the Maronis showed up."

"So the Maronis killed Zucco?" I breathed out quietly, but Dick shook his head.

"I killed him. They pulled the triggers, but I made it possible and I didn't stand in their way to save him. I watched them fill him with these acidic bullets, watched him drop to the ground and not even once did I think I should've intervened. The only thing I could think was how much better it would've felt if it were me that took that final breath from him." He looked over at me and I felt cold spread inside me, an omen of pain to come. I don't know if it was the shattered look in his eyes or the hollow tone of his voice as he spoke, but I knew whatever followed would hurt us both.

"Tonight, I finally realized why Bruce was so against the way you do things and it just pissed me off more. Because if it could feel that good to get rid of the bastards who don't deserve to live on this Earth, then why has he been making me hold back this whole time."

I sighed with my entire body at his words, simultaneously steeling myself for the minutes to follow. He started the conversation that neither of us wanted to have, but I was going to have to be the one to push it through.

"Remember when we first met and started training," I said softly. "And I told you that you could do a lot more good as Robin then you could as a cop, if you just let go of your morals and boundaries and just thought 'Fuck Bruce?' At the time, I'd only said it to make myself feel better. I could only remember the few months of my life after that first night...and yet, I'd already killed several people, intentional or not. You'd been Robin for years and...nothing. I hate that I ever said that to you and I'm sorry. Because you, Richard Grayson, are one of the best kinds of people who can change the world without adding to its body count. You will change the world that way, just without me around."

It was a sign of how in sync we were that he didn't fight me on it. "With me or not, it'll never change how I feel about you," he replied thickly. "You are still and always will be one of the greatest things about my life."

"I know," I said with a small smile and forced laugh. "You're the only thing about my life that I never second guessed or regretted and I never will. It's just safer for everyone, I think, if we keep our distance for a while. You need time to get your head straight and figure out where you want to go from here. Time with me to influence your choice either way."

"And what are you going to do? Because I don't want you blaming yourself for tonight—"

"Dick, I'm always going to blame myself," I interrupted. "I'm toxic; we both know that. We thought all of these years that you'd been vaccinated against my toxins and pheromones, but maybe they've just been affecting you differently. Maybe I'm just poisoning you in a different way."

"You don't know that—"

"And you can't prove that I'm not. So let's just agree to disagree about this one and go our separate ways, hm?"

"Why do you always do that?" he asked suddenly, anger clear in his voice. He continued on without a chance for me to respond. "Why do you always say something that you know is going to start an argument? Why can't you just let us part on good terms?"

"Anger and pride make it easier to stay away than love," I answered with a shrug.

"Well, I'm not letting you do it this time. It's bad enough we need to do this, I'm not letting you make me angry on purpose." Dick's hand flexed around the keys still in his hand as he took a deep breath. "Stay here as long as you need to, I'm going to stay at the manor. Text me if you decide to stay here indefinitely and I'll make sure everything is taken care of for you." He turned his back on me, hand on the doorknob and ready to leave when the regretful part of my mind spurred me into action, suddenly desperate to keep him with me.

"This is going to be more than just another year, isn't it?" I blurted. "It feels like it's going to have to be. But, I also don't know for how long it should be."

He didn't turn to look back at me, which was a whole other pain through my being. I tried not to let it bother me, knowing that the moment was as painful for him as it was for me.

"I think it should be for as long as we need it to be," he answered. "When we both have a clear idea of ourselves and nothing to make us hate ourselves or rely on each other's view of the other."

I couldn't help but scoff at the idea. "Well, it's been great, Grayson, but it sounds like this is officially the end. Forever."

"No," he snapped, still without looking at me. From the tension in his shoulders I could tell it was taking everything in him not to. "This isn't anywhere near our end. I won't let it be. I'll always know where you are and I'll always be there if you need me. If it means I get my shit together before you and I have to wait the rest of my life for you to, then I will. This isn't our goodbye."

Not that I could even think of words to say, but Dick pulled the door open before I could. My eyes teared up as I watched, suddenly hoping he would turn to me and yell "got ya," or some equally lame colloquialism before dropping down next to me and kissing me. I was becoming so desperate for it that I was even considering begging.

I didn't want this to be our end, even if only for now. I knew it had to be but I didn't want it.As usual, always on the same wavelength as me, Dick turned to glance over his shoulder at me. I etched every detail of his resigned expression into my mind before he turned, walked out the door and closed it behind him.

I sat on the sofa for an hour, tears brimming at my eyelids but never quite falling as I stared blankly at the blurred view of the tv. It wasn't until the barest mention of Robin on the news, having originally brought Tony Zucco to justice, that I broke.

And so did everything else in that loft.

This chapter ended up being longer than I intended and I'm not even sure how I feel about it 😅 So please feel free to comment and let me know what you think because I love reading them ☺️