Mum didn't stop holding onto me throughout the ride back home. She'd had to plead with Aunt Soohyun to sit in front with the cab driver just so I would sit behind with her. Her head rested on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my right arm.

For a long time I didn't know if she was asleep or just resting, but I said nothing. The evening news played in a low volume from the radio, but besides that the journey home was peaceful.

She finally let go of me in front of her door but not before hugging me tight and telling she loved me. I knew she was hurting and afraid. Hurting for losing the love of her life who'd abandoned her and afraid of losing me.

Dad's letter said he'd fallen out of love with her. But the case had obviously been different for her. She still loved him, even now. I felt so much empathy towards her. I hugged her back, I said, "I'm not going anywhere, Mum. I promise. I love you," in a hushed voice, before letting her slip into her room.

Aunt Soohyun said she was going to prepare something for us to eat. It was past 6 in the evening and none of us had eaten a single, but even as my godmother bounded the stairs to the kitchen, I knew her effort was just going to be in vain.

In my room, I shut the door and sat on my bed, with my head hanging low. I wasn't sure how long I stayed there, but I was emotionally and physically exhausted. After a while, I lay back on the bed, with my legs hanging over the edge and my hands intertwined over my stomach.

I though back to the moments I had with Junho. He was such a bubbly kid and honestly, I wished I'd met him earlier. I never imagined ever being close to my dad's other family, but seeing him today and I'd developed a certain fondness and protectiveness for him like an older brother should have for his younger brother, step-siblings or not.

To be honest, the letter had brought closure. It had taken away so much of the pain and confusion that had plagued all through the night. And if not for anything, I was grateful to my dad for doing it. For writing the letter and making sure I got it.

Because it made me understand, to an extent. It made me not hate him anymore. And, to my greatest realization, it made me forgive him. Truly, deeply, forgive him, and prayed for a peaceful rest for him.

Although, it was still surreal for me, the whole thing. I couldn't believe I went to say goodbye to my father today. Well, technically, not goodbye-goodbye. His body was going to be cremated

Mum had wanted him to be buried because he'd been a Christian when they had been married and Christians were meant to be buried so as to resurrect on the last day with Christ. But his new wife wanted him to be cremated just so they could have his ashes with them. She said she needed it for closure or she was going to lose it.

I completely understood, so when my opinion was asked as his first son, I said they could go ahead and cremate him. I think a part of me felt the same as his wife's, like burying him was saying goodbye to him forever but cremating him and having his remains put in an urn, made it seem like he was still there. I wasn't sure if it made sense but in that moment, I let my selfish emotions overcome it.

I knew my mum had been upset with my decision but for that brief minute, her face clouded with disappointment but I looked away from her and turned to my dad's older brother, Uncle Hojin, who nodded and said the decision was final and he was going to be cremated.

But even at that, it all felt so foreign to me, the way I felt and the pace at which things were going. I felt lost and confused, like somehow my spirit was stuck on a spot while my body was making all the movement and talking and cremation decisions about my father. It felt like I was living outside my body and my reality wasn't mine. I couldn't even understand how I felt, all I knew was that I hated it with every living cell in my body.

I hated it.

Yoongi came to visit me that evening. I had drifted off to sleep when I felt light taps on my knee, opening my eyes to see him looking down at me. He looked sorry for waking me as I pulled myself up to a sitting position.

"Hey, what's up?" He asked, his voice quiet as if it would hurt me if he spoke louder than that. I shrugged in response, running my hands through my hair. "I tried calling multiple times."

"Shit, it's off," I mumbled, grabbing my bag from the floor. I rummaged through the useless content until I grabbed a hold of my phone. After I'd texted with Jungkook in the morning, I'd turned it off and had completely forgotten that he would try to reach me. I could imagine how worried he'd be.

I contemplated calling him just to let him know I was home and fine, but seeing Yoongi, I decided against it and just dropped it on the bed. "I was getting too many calls that I'm not ready to take," I said.

Yoongi nodded in understanding. "Yeah. Look, I know that you don't wanna hear this and I'm not very good at this kind of stuff, but I just have to say it, so bear with me," Yoongi said awkwardly, then cleared his throat. "I'm sorry for your loss. You have to see the positive side of this which is that he's in a better place which is anywhere but here. Because trust me, earth can be a pretty shitty place if things go sideways."

What the hell?

He shook his head sharply, as if to shake his senses back in. "But, what I'm saying is, he's no longer in pain, Jin. I'm a Christian and I believe that everything happens for a reason, regardless of how unfair it may seem in the beginning. Remember I lost my baby sis to an accident two years ago, so believe me when I say that I completely understand what you feel now. And even though I lost my joy and didn't think I'd ever smile again, I still found ways to be happy. It doesn't get less painful, but you'll get stronger at dealing with the reality of it one way or another. So, from the bottom of my heart, accept my sincerest condolence."

His words made my heart heavier and lighter at the same time. My eyes brimmed with tears and I tried to hold them back but the slightest blink from them and they were tumbling down my cheeks like a river. I quickly wiped them and let out a small chuckle. "Thanks."

Yoongi gave me a small smile. "I'm really sorry."

"Yeah. I know."

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? And no, that offer does not include sexual favors, perv." He glared at me.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Really? I was really looking forward to the day I pin you under me and have my dirty, filthy way with you."

He bit his lip teasingly. "Oh, I'm sure your hot, older boyfriend fulfills that fantasy quite alright."

If my face wasn't already read from crying all night and this morning, I was sure Yoongi could see me blush like an idiot.

"I'm right, aren't I?" He wriggled his brows at me, inching closer towards me, eager for some spicy gossip.

I shrugged. Normally, I would have dismissed this conversation but I needed as much distraction I could get and Yoongi was offering me one. "It's really good." Bless my father's soul, I should not be discussing my sex life on a day like this but it was what it was.

Yoongi and I remained in that energy for hours just talking shit, and by the time he left, I was horny as hell. I had texted Jungkook already, telling him I was home and hoping he'd understand that to mean I wanted him to come over.

I took a warm shower, hoping to hell it would help with my need but I walked back into my room just as in need as I'd left it. It was a very frustrating position to be in because even when I tried to handle business myself, I couldn't enjoy it. I was too spoiled by Jungkook's hands, his mouth, his body and his everything to enjoy sexual pleasures from anyone else, even my own hand.

I lay in bed, eyes closed thinking of the previous night when I'd had him with me on this very bed, his mouth on my mouth, his fingers threaded through mine, our bodies merged as one as he slid in and out of me, evoking feelings that drove me insane. His wet tongue glazing over my neck, licking my skin, my sweat, his lips mumbling sweet words into my ear, telling me I was more precious to him than anything money could ever buy.

He made loving him so easy. He had made me fall in love with him so effortlessly and so quickly that I couldn't pinpoint exactly when I'd started. I loved him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. Even if he hadn't said it back and maybe he hadn't gotten there yet, I didn't mind.

I didn't mind needing him more or loving him more. All I wanted was for him to be by my side and to never leave, because that loss would end me.