It had been a week since the King incident and I was yet to feel sane again. I barely left my room, only stepping out to use the bathroom. Namjoon would bring my food up and take it back down untouched or a few spoons less. He would feed and walk Aqua. He would check up on my mum and keep her company.

I was too weighed down by my own hurt to pay attention to anything else. Everyone attributed my current mood to my father's death, but while that had been painful for me, it wasn't the reason I woke up feeling like my heart had been ripped from my chest.

Jungkook's involvement with King had devastated me. I had known Jungkook's past wasn't rosey. I knew Jungkook's past was messed up. But Jungkook had been dealing with a serial murderer, a drug lord, a mafia king, a kidnapper and a fucking groomer!

After everything I had gone through with my dad and Mr. Cho, my life had supposed to take a break from drama. It had supposed to get better, but instead, I'd faced death and watched the love of my life almost get killed by someone he used to be romantically involved with.

Although, I knew Jungkook hadn't planned for things to turn out the way they did, I was still mad at him. I was mad that I almost lost him. I was mad that his past had been so bad that it had come to the future to almost destroy us. More than anything I was mad that he told me he loved me at a point when I couldn't be happy about it.

But even at that, I loved him so much. I loved Jungkook so much that it hurt to be away from him. It hurt to see his calls and to ignore them. It hurt to read his text messages and scroll past without responding. It hurt more than hell and was suffocating to see him outside my school gate and ignoring his presence.

I'd just come back to school after the one week break they had given me because of my dad's passing. I'd barely been able to concentrate. Words went in through one ear and flew out the other. Nothing registered to memory. I was literally a walking mannequin.

Friends, classmates and schoolmates came to offer their condolences and all I could do was nod mechanically at them. My dad had just died but my thoughts had been filled with Jungkook. Of how much I missed him, how much it hurt to miss him, how much I was mad at him and how much I didn't want to be mad at him.

When school closed and I stepped through the gate, there he was at the usual spot, right across the street, in a sweater, sweatpants and slides. He had on black sunglasses, which he took off as soon as I caught sight of him.

My heart hurt to see him that way. His eyes were bloodshot red and pleading. I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry my heart out because of how hurt and heart broken he looked. All I could do was stand in front of the gate staring at him, urging myself not to cry as he beckoned on me with his eyes.

"Jin," Taehyung called, his hand gently touching my shoulder. "I think you should talk to him," he said. I wasn't sure if he knew the details surrounding why I was keeping my distance from Jungkook.

Yoongi knew about it. He and Namjoon had been at my place the day of the incident. He'd slept over in an attempt to comfort me because I'd been a complete mess. He might have told Taehyung.

"If you're not ready, don't," Yoongi said.

"Babe, they're both in pain. They need to talk," Taehyung informed Yoongi. I was still looking at Jungkook. I felt on the verge of a panic attack, standing so close to him and not being able to hold him.

"I agree, but he shouldn't put himself in a situation he's not ready to be in," Yoongi argued. "I don't want him more hurt than he already is. Jin," He called. "Do you want to talk to him?"

I shut my eyes, chewing on my lower lip, before shaking my head. "Let's go," I said, turning away and heading to the bus stop.

This morning, I'd woken up to more texts from him. Texts that broke my heart and made me feel guilty. Texts that made me more anxious. Texts I couldn't stop reading and hating myself for ignoring, yet not being able to respond to.

I'm so sorry.

Your safety and happiness is my top priority.

I would never do anything to put you through pain.

Jin, talk to me. Please.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I was reading them again that evening when I heard laughter beyond my door. My eyes shifted to the door just as it pushed open and Namjoon stepped through with a grin on his face.

He'd been awfully cheerful these passed days. In a way, I think he's trying to lift everyone's mood with his goofiness, especially with the recent events.

"Your godmother just said she might marry me if I find myself single at 25," he said, almost sounding happy about that fact. "Do you know why? Because I made ramen for her. She said it's the best ramen she's ever had."

It wasn't a lie. Every other aspect of Namjoon's life might be messy but he cooked an incredible pot of ramen. It was the only thing he could cook. He could make a business out of it and actually make money cooking ramen.

Maybe, I would walk the idea by him and see if it's something he might want to do.

He collapsed on my reading chair and stared at me. "You know you're torturing yourself," he said. "Like, the pain you're going through right now? It's self-inflicted."

"What are you talking about?"

He shrugged. "Why won't you talk to him? I mean, I get that you got overwhelmed by what happened. Anyone would, but this is Jungkook. The dude that, literally, wanted to sleep outside your house just to make sure no harm came your way. He would do anything for you to keep you safe, to make you happy and you believe he kept his past a secret just to hurt you?"

"No," I defended, pulling myself up into a sitting position. "I didn't say he kept it a secret to hurt me. I said he kept it a secret from me and it hurt me."

"Same difference. You said the words secret and hurt in a sentence. But why are you doing this?  He loves you and you love him, too. Why won't you just let it work out?"

"Do you think it's easy for me?" I asked him. "Do you think I'm satisfied hurting him? Do you think I enjoy being so broken hearted? Namjoon, my life has been a fucking mess this past weeks. I've had to deal with one painful shit after the other. Me!"

He watched me with a soft look, but the look I gave him wasn't soft. Not even close. "First, it was the news of my dad's cancer. That was the beginning of my free fall into a world of misery. Then it was the valentine's day present. The harassment from Mr. Cho. The fucking nightmares. The voice in my head pushing me to harm myself. Watching my mum break down. Getting paranoia and anxiety. Battling with my head and my heart concerning my dad. Seeing my best friend get brutalized. My dad dying. Meeting me little brother for the first time in seven years. Jimin abducting me. My boyfriend's bastard lover almost killing me. My boyfriend almost dying. I just need a break!

"Namjoon, I haven't even had the chance to mourn my dad! All of these happened to me in a matter of weeks, okay? And I've been forced to recover from one thing just to get slammed with the next. Jungkook was the only thing that kept me sane all these time. It was him that made me feel safe, only for me to find out in the worst possible way that he isn't as safe as I'd thought."

Namjoon's throat bobbed up and down. He licked his lips, and let out a sigh. "Yeah. You've been through a lot and I'm sorry. I really am, but half of that was my fault. If you're going to take out your anger on anyone, let it be me. Not him."

"I'm not taking out my anger on you or anyone. I'm also not blaming anyone for the way my life is," I said to him. "I know Jungkook loves me and I know he did his best to keep me safe but his affiliation with that man almost got me killed."

Tears fell from my eyes and I made no move to wipe them. The frustration I felt had ran deep. My heart was heavy and no one understood what I felt. It seemed like an easy decision to just pick up my phone and respond to Jungkook or meet with him and rid us of the pain we were both feeling.

But it was harder than that. It was deeper than that. Not seeing Jungkook till this moment didn't stem from the anger I felt towards him. That was just a surface emotion. The deep rooted reason was because I was afraid.

I was afraid of moving on from this particular pain. Every pain I had felt in the past had gotten worse the minute I thought I'd overcome it. It came back stronger and harder. Moving on fast only created room for a bigger pain.

And I was afraid if I moved on from this fast, the next one might be too much for me to bare. It might be fatal. So, I was going to hold on to the pain I felt with staying away from Jungkook, nurse it a little longer and hold out on putting Jungkook and I out of this misery we were both in.