They say jealousy is an ugly disease, but I couldn't remember a time when I hadn't been infected by it. As a young child, my grandparents often claimed that I had emotions too large and strong to keep within my tiny frame. They claimed that I just didn't know how to handle it and they blamed my parents' lack of presence for part of my behavior.

In some ways they were right. The first time I'd ever felt jealousy was during my first day of school. Prior to walking inside, I was excited and maybe even a little nervous. It was when I stepped inside that I realized I was surrounded by all these kids who were running up to give hugs to their parents and saying their goodbyes, but when I turned around to do the same, I only saw the sight of my parents' fleeing figures as they stared down at their phones and disappeared into the crowd.

This continued well into the later stages of my childhood. I remembered not being able to attend school events like mother-son dances because my parents were always busy and my grandparents were getting older by the second; I remembered receiving awards and not having anyone there to cheer me on; I remembered graduating from high school and only receiving a "good job" text from my father.

Jealousy, anger, loneliness-they were all emotions I was more than familiar with. Love though? Well, that was another story.

I didn't mean familial love necessarily. I knew my grandparents loved me as if I were their own, but romantic love was something I'd yet to experience. I thought I had at one point, but I was wrong. Very wrong. Grandma would always tell me that you'll know when you find that special person, but I didn't know. Love wasn't easy to pinpoint like hate was. If anything, it left me more confused than ever.

The pack elders always said that our mates would be the ones we loved, but I wasn't sure about that sentiment. What I felt for Cronan wasn't love. If anything, it leaned more toward hate. The man had a habit of pissing me off without trying. His words, his actions, everything. He annoyed me to no end and yet, even I couldn't pretend not to feel the obvious spark between us. I couldn't ignore the way my wolf growled with pleasure when he was near. There was no doubt in my mind that we were mates, but there was no trace of love between us.

Not that it mattered at this point.

One of, if not my biggest, mistake was failing to realize that Cronan and Eli were friends. I should've known, maybe then I wouldn't be in this predicament. Though we were no longer on speaking terms, our bond remained intact. My wolf still longed for his and I knew it was the same for him. That was the reason why I couldn't leave Oakwood yet. The bond between us wouldn't allow it. Like a tether, it refused to allow me to move any further, but the thought of breaking it was no better.

It angered me. I was used to making a decision and sticking to it. I was used to always having a plan, but for once I didn't. I didn't know whether to approach him and have him sever our bond or sit tight and leave him be. Had I left the choice up to my wolf, its answer would have been obvious: to find him and claim him as ours. However, something told me that'd end with a punch to the face rather than the intended outcome.

I sighed as I stared up at the ceiling of the small cabin I was staying in. The place was, for a lack of better words, a complete shit show. It looked as if it'd fall over if I blew on it too hard, but it did the job. I knew that staying in Reuben's apartment wasn't a permanent solution, especially with Nixon lingering around. It wasn't as if I wanted to stay there anyway. Reuben was the type of person you had to deal with in small dosages and I'd already had my fill for a lifetime or two.

It was after I left his home that I found the cabin in all its abandoned glory. Sure, it may have been falling apart, but it was still the place I called my temporary home. Plus, the way I saw it, anything was better than the Rogue's Den.

My mind drifted back to Cronan, something that seemed to be happening more frequently as the days passed by. What was he feeling right now? Likely anger. If there was anything I learned in the time I've known him, it was that Cronan sucked at acknowledging his feelings-not that I was much better. He wasn't alone though, I knew that from the little amount of times I'd seen him since our unceremonious separation. He had his brother, friends, Eli...

And there was that wretched disease again.

I wasn't sure what I was jealous of this time: his support system or the fact that they could get within five feet of him without Hurricane Cronan coming back to finish what he started.

I could still remember it.

The anger came first-loud, fierce, and destructive. The hurt followed after and though it was silent, the feeling of betrayal oozed from it.

I did feel bad. Both for what I'd done to Eli and the awkward position I'd placed Cronan in. I felt infinitely worse when I saw the brief crack in his supposedly ironclad facade and the hurt, vulnerable expression on his face.

That was the whole reason I chose to move as far away as our bond would allow for. I knew that being forced to see me every day would only harm him more in his current predicament, but that didn't stop me from wondering if I was making a mistake.

Would it have been better to just go up to him and let him reject me? Should I reject him?

The latter made a sick feeling swell in my stomach. I couldn't. I knew if I tried, I'd ultimately fail.

I rubbed my eyes and let out a loud groan. They always said the mate bond was powerful, but I never imagined it'd be this powerful.

I was living in a constant state of waiting, wanting, and loathing. I hated it. They always said that the mate bond was an amazing thing, but they forgot to mention just how much it fucking sucked when you and your other half weren't on the same page. The constant desire, the pain of being separated for long periods. I felt it all and yet, I couldn't do anything about it because I caused it.

I caused it and that was the hell of it all.

I caused it and now I had to sit back and watch it all play out because the choices were now out of my hands. It was Cronan's decision to make about what would happen to our bond and knowing that made me drop against the uncomfortable mattress I was sitting on.

Because if the choice was between being with me or risking being alone for the rest of his life, I had a feeling I knew what Cronan would pick every time.