trigger warning: suicide

Despite their judgmental stares and the rumors they've spread about me, I was still able to continue my days. The power of ignoring and not engaging made me able to do that. But I couldn't say that it felt better kasi hindi talaga.

Hearing things na hindi na hindi naman totoo will never make me happy and seeing people avoiding me like I'm some kind of an animal doesn't feel good, too. Yes, I don't have a good background and reputation, but I did nothing wrong to them. Kaya minsan ay hindi ko rin talaga maintindihan.

I sighed.

It has been five days since I said that to him at sa loob ng limang araw na 'yon ay madalang ko siyang makita. I don't care though. Mas mabuti ng malayo siya sa akin at ako sa kanya. Because being close with each other would just ruin us both.

At wala rin akong pakialam kung tutuparin niya ang pinangako niya sa akin because I know deep inside that it's not his fault at alam ko rin na kahit anong gawin mong paliwanag ay hinding-hindi mo makokontrol ang isip ng tao.

Yeah, they may change their behavior when you're in front of them pero kapag umalis ka na ay babalik din sila sa dati. They will still judge you cruelly without knowing the whole story.

Shin and Erika were okay now and I couldn't help but roll my eyes habang pinagmamasdan silang magkatabi sa kabilang couch.

Like seriously, I didn't know that my cousin would be this possessive. Ayaw pakawalan ang bata niya, nakakaloka. Masagwa tingnan para sa akin but it doesn't mean that I'm not happy for them.

Naninibago lang talaga ako, pero masayang-masaya ako para kay Shin. Kasi sa wakas, maliban sa akin, mayroon ng taong mahal at tanggap siya bilang siya. Sana nga lang ay panghabang-buhay na 'yon, dahil hindi ko na talaga kakayanin kapag makita siyang nawawala sa sarili niya at wasak.

Tumungo ako ng kusina para kumuha ng maiinom dahil parang hindi ko na yata sila kayang tingnan.

Gatas ang napili kong inumin, ilang araw na kasi akong umiiwas sa kape dahil mas lumalala ang palpitations.

"Are you okay?" I was surprised to see Shin. Sinundan niya pala ako.

"Oo naman," ngumiti ako sa kanya.

Umiling siya. "May problema ka ba?"

I sighed, kilala nga rin talaga ako nito. But still, it's my problem...at hindi na siya dapat madamay pa.

"School lang, kaya ko na 'to. Huwag kang mag-alala." I laughed but I guess he didn't buy that dahil nanatili ako ang concerned niyang tingin sa akin.

"You should eat more, pumayat ka." He added.

Umiling ako. "Diet ako, huwag ka nga. Huwag mo akong itulad d'yan sa babae mo." I rolled my eyes and acted suplada again so he would stop questioning me already. Ang hirap kasing magsinungaling, kahit na sanay na ako gawin 'yon ay mahirap pa rin at nakaka konsensya.

I stiffened when he hugged me tight.

"Nandito lang ako lagi. Kung may problema ka, sabihin mo sa akin. Kahit na ganito ako, gagawin ko pa rin lahat ng makakaya ko para tulungan ka."

Napatigil ako dahil sa sinabi niya. It's tempting pero buo na ang loob ko na itago sa kanya ang lahat.

"Okay lang talaga ako, Shin."

Humiwalay ako sa kanya at tinapik siya sa balikat. "Uwi na ako, ah. Marami pa kasi akong gagawin na schoolworks."

Tumango siya ngunit batid ko na nanatili sa akin ang concern niyang titig. Before I let my barriers down ay agad na akong tumalikod at lumabas ng unit niya.

Dirediretso ang lakad ko pababa ng building. Takot akong lumingon kasi baka kung makita ko uli si Shin ay umiyak nalang ako at sabihin lahat ng kinikimkim ko sa kanya.

"Nisha!"

It wasn't Shin at napalingon nalang din ako no'ng humabol siya sa akin at sinubukan akong akbayan.

It's Erika.

"Bakit?"

She looked at me and smiled.

"You're so strong and brave."

I was surprised when she suddenly hugged me. Gusto ko siyang itulak no'ng una dahil hindi ako sanay na may ibang yumayakap sa akin maliban kay Shin but it oddly felt fine at napa buntong-hininga nalang ako.

"Thank you for taking care of Shin. Thank you for protecting him. You're the best girl in his life and nothing could ever change that, even me."

Humiwalay siya sa akin at tinapik ako sa balikat bago tumalikod.

Nanghihina akong napasandal sa dingding no'ng makaalis na siya.

She said I'm brave and strong. She's right, I am, and maybe I was. Kasi ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung hanggang kailan ko nalang kayang maging matapang.

But as I have people I need to protect, I'll do my best not to get tired.

Pagkabalik ko ng apartment at pagkatapos gawin ang ilang paperworks para sa school ay agad kong sinubukang matulog at katulad ng mga nakalipas na gabi ay nahirapan nanaman akong makatulog.

Then, I woke up in the middle of night...sweating, crying, and hyperventilating.

"No...no...no..." I repeatedly said while holding the knife.

Because I saw him! I saw him again in front of me!

Mas lalo kong hinigpitan ang hawak sa kutsilyo at bumaba sa kama.

And then...I realized it was just a dream.

Napabuntong-hininga ako at umupo muli sa kama ngunit hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang sarili kong maalala ang mga nangyari dati.

All the cruel things he did to me and all that I did to obey him.

And I remembered that there's also that time when it's dark and I was trying my best not to scream because...

I shook my head while crying and tried to get up kahit nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. I reached for the pill and the bottle of water on my side table dahil hindi ko na kaya.

I've stopped medication for years already, but now, it's happening again at mas malala pa.

The pill was able to calm me a bit pero nasa isip ko pa rin lahat ng pangangamba at takot. I planned not to go to school because I looked like a mess, but it's our exam today on one of our major subjects at kailangan kong pumasok kung gusto kong pumasa at makapagtapos ng pag-aaral.

I tried to divert my attention by applying heavy make-up and fixing my hair before I go to school. Pero no'ng makarating na ako ng school ay agad ko ring napagtanto na wala 'yong kwenta. Because no matter how I fix myself and be pretty, it would never change the fact that I am messy... and that I don't belong here.

"Oh my! Ayan na naman siya."

"Yay! Kadiri!"

I stiffened on my seat when I heard their voices. Pakiramdam ko ay ako nanaman ang pinag-uusapan nila. I used to ignore them in the past days but I feel strangely affected now. I couldn't stop shifting on my seat hanggang sa idistribute na ang test papers sa amin.

I tried to answer everything despite slowly feeling difficulty in breathing and palpitation.

"Mendez, Priam Jeshler?" the professor suddenly asked at napatigil ako sa pagsagot dahil doon.

What? He's not here? Bakit?

I looked around and realized na wala ng talaga siya, and then it hit me...bakit ko nga ba siya hinahanap when I already pushed him away. I shouldn't look for him, wala akong karapatan.

I shook my head and finished the test. Agad ko 'yong ipinasa pagkatapos sagutan at lumabas na ng room. Some of my classmates also submitted afterwards and I heard them following habang bumaba ako ng hagdan.

They were whispering to each other at nang marinig 'yon ay agad kong binilisan ang lakad ko dahil ayaw ko ng marinig pa. Pagkababa ng Arts Building ay mas maraming tao ang sumalubong and I feel weaker every time their eyes meet mine. I don't know what's with me and kung bakit pakiramdam ko lahat ng tao ay hinuhusgahan ako.

I sat on the bench and tried to calm myself pero mas lalo lang akong kinakabahan at nahihirapan sa paghinga.

I feel scared and worried. I feel vulnerable. And he's not here.

I reach for my bag to get my tumbler, ngunit bago pa ako makainom ay nahulog 'yon at natapon ang laman dahil sa nanginginig kong kamay.

What the fuck is happening with me? I don't fucking know!

My phone rang and I saw that the landlady was calling me. Kahit na nahihirapan ay sinagot ko 'yon dahil baka importante.

"Hello..."

"May humahanap sayo, tatay mo raw, umuwi ka na raw dahil naghihintay siya."

My phone almost fell from my hands when I heard that.

That's it. I've already reached my limit. This life's so fucked and I know I wouldn't be able to get away anymore...unless I end it myself.

Kahit na nanlalabo ang mata ko ay mabilis akong naglakad palabas ng campus at umakyat sa unang building na nakita ko.

Hindi ko na kaya. Ayaw ko na. Pagod na akong tumakas at sumubok.

Shin's finally okay now. He already found his father and he has Erika na makakasama niya at magpapasaya sa kanya, kahit na wala na ako sa tabi niya.

I'm so fucking tired of living this life anymore.

I've lost track of how I was able to climb to the rooftop. I don't know if I'm allowed there pero nawalan na ako ng pakialam, tutal huli na rin naman.

Napaupo ako sa sahig nang bumuhos nanaman sa memorya ko ang lahat ng mga nangyari sa akin simula nang ipinanganak ako.

I was a typical happy kid back then, I loved socializing, and was active in almost everything because my mom never failed to support me in whatever I wanted to do as long as it won't hurt other people. Pero nang mawala siya...when I saw her cold dead body on that bed...everything started to fucking change.

The thought of having someone other than my mother look after me gave me hope, but what it did to me was despair. Because my own father never treat me like a daughter at kahit respeto nalang bilang kapwa ay hindi niya nagawa.

Because inside that filthy room of his, he repeatedly abused me sexually for five fucking long years. And no one was aware of that, kahit na si Shin.

I am dirty, I am not pure, at kahit na anong gawin ko ay hinding-hindi na ako magiging malinis, because my own father took that away from me.

He repeatedly raped me, and I never said a thing because I'm so scared that he would kill the only family left with me.

And so... I fucking did everything to ran away from him, at no'ng nagawa ko 'yon, akala ko okay na, akala ko tapos na. Pero hindi...kasi nandito na naman siya.

After all the years of trying to cover those memories of mine, bumalik na naman siya at ipinaramdam sa akin na marumi ako at kahit kailan ay hindi ako magiging malinis...and that I don't deserve living a normal life...that I don't fucking deserve to love.

I looked up and smiled.

"Malapit na tayong magkasama, Mama."

The sun is shining brightly, the sky's blue, and the wind feels good. What a good day to end everything.

I reached for my phone for one last time and typed a message for Shin.

Sorry for leaving like this, I hope you can forgive me someday. I love you, I will always do. Thank you for staying with me, thank you for making my life better.

I sat there and cried silently, pouring all my feelings on it, because I want to go without pain. Ayaw kong pati sa kabilang buhay ay dadalhin ko pa ang lahat ng sakit at pagsisisi.

I want to meet my mom again with a happy heart, like the young Nisha she left.

After minutes of crying, I finally decided to stand.

I looked around and realized that it feels a bit sad because I wasn't able to see his face before I go.

I sighed and stepped my feet until it reached the edge.

My phone was ringing nonstop but I already made up my mind not to answer it.

I closed my eyes and savored the wind.

Sabi nila, bago mamatay ang isang tao ay karaniwang may huling hiling ito o 'di kaya ay habilin.

Ngumiti ako nang mapagtanto kung ano ang akin.

If I would be given a chance... then I would like to see his face for one last time and tell him what I sincerely feel for him.

That I want to love him.

And it looked like someone just granted my wish...because before I jumped, he appeared in front of me.