Can you actually believe it works? It fucking works! When Prodigy and One Direction play together it sounds amazing, like we were meant to play together and we have done this all our life. These girls have so much talent that they can do anything and with the arrangement they give to our songs they don’t sound so pop and it’s like they were powerful and full of meaning, but they are still the same songs. How is that even possible? I— I don’t get it!

Yes, they are still rude and they like to mess with us. It is weird when someone else mocks us so much, we’re used to be the ones making jokes and stuff, but this time we’re whom everyone is laughing at. I know we should be offended, but I’ve realised this is the way they interact with each other. If you can’t take a banter, then you can’t really be around Prodigy. They are like that all the time, even with each other. We’re no exception so we have no reason to believe they hate us for being who we are or anything like that. In a way, that they treat us like this is a way to show us that they actually consider us people.

Why does that sound so weird?

“Hey Tammy,” Emma calls in a moment when Tammy is trying to teach Liam her solo in one of her songs —why are all their songs so amazing? Even those that are about partying like there’s no tomorrow? It’s not fair—, so the girl that has been next to Liam the whole afternoon looks at her band mate. “Can you leave your girlfriend there and come for a sec?” she asks and Liam doesn’t even react, as if the fact that Emma called him a girl doesn’t bother him anymore —I think he accepted it already— but Tammy’s expression goes serious instead of mocking, as she has done with everyone else.

What?

“Okay, that’s enough. No need to call him girl. Noob, NSYNC wannabe, but not girl anymore,” she says and I’m so shocked I feel like someone knocked the air out of my lungs. Is really Tammy standing up for Liam… sort of? “I mean, look at this boys, they all must have a dick.” And cue to her words, everyone looks at our crotches. I feel very observed and awkward, plus, I know Kay is staring too intently at me. Damn you, Tammy! “See? There’s something there and I don’t think it’s a pair of socks,” Tammy motions to Liam’s crotch and if he didn’t react when Emma called him a girl, now he is certainly reacting. He is tomato red. “So no lesbian anymore, okay?”

This is so surreal and I know everyone is shocked. They practically introduced themselves and started calling us lesbians instead of directly calling us girls for our ‘soft’ appearance, particularly Tammy, but now she is asking the rest to stop. I don’t know how to feel about this.

Liam is impressed too, he is staring at us with awe in his eyes and a little smile. She has offended him with that little speech, but at the same time she stood up for him and I guess Liam is trying to figure out what that means. Good luck, mate.

“Oh, okay. No more lesbians then. So, can you leave your boyfriend and come for a sec?” Emma asks, mischief clear in her smile and voice and Tammy only raises her eyebrows and shakes her head.

“He is not my boyfriend, for fuck’s sake!” Tammy complains but she approaches Emma and leaves Liam behind, who is still smiling. I wonder what he is thinking.

“Soon you’ll be the only one single, Boo bear,” a feminine voice says and I cringe because I recognise her so easily. I look at my right and there she is, short with her messy blonde hair and that everlasting smile on her lips, amusement in her eyes. She always looks so happy when there’re people around. I’ve only seen her sad once, vulnerable, and it was because I caught her, she was hiding then. Doesn’t she get tired of smiling all the time?

“I don’t care and don’t call me that,” I tell her seriously and emotionlessly. Then her eyes meet mine and her smile grows wider.

“Why? Only your mum can call you Boo bear?” she inquires as her fingers slide down my arm and I shiver. Her touch is so light, like a feather and I have that need to shove her off and shake my body until I get rid of that feeling.

“Yes,” I answer dying to step back but I don’t. I won’t show her that her touch affects me. I’ll pretend she is not even touching me at all.

Kay laughs as if I’ve just told her a great joke, her fingers still moving over my arm, up and down, following the shapes of my tattoos. “You’re so silly sometimes it’s cute. Anyways, I was just pointing that out. It’s obvious Tammy and Liam will end up together.”

And now it’s my turn to laugh. “You’re crazy. Those two would never work out. Have you seen how different they are?” I tell her, feeling like I’m the wise adult here.

“Have you really seen them? They already have a strong connection and if you can’t see past the appearance, then I’m sorry for you, babe. It’s like Alex and Niall, you would never think they are together, but then you meet them and you know it’s just right. I have the same feeling with Liam and Tammy.”

“You’re crazy,” I tell her furrowing my brow.

“Or maybe I just see the things you can’t see because you don’t want to. You’re a blind man that wants to stay blind,” she replies and I roll my eyes. I think I see more clearly than anyone here. “You think that blaming all women for what one did is right. You think that being alone will make you happy. But you’re wrong, Louis.”

She steps closer and as the hand that was running over the skin of my arm decides to take my hand, her other cups my face and I tense up but I don’t step back. No reaction, I will not show her a reaction.

“I’m just trying to help you, babe. Just like all your other friends.”

Slowly, I raise my left hand and take hers, pulling it away from my face and I don’t break the eye contact in any moment. “I don’t need your help. I’m fine.”

She sighs and shakes her head slowly, a movement almost imperceptible, and when she looks up at me again her smile is sad, almost as she pities me. “You’re not and you know that, Louis. I see it. When you look at your friends, when you think no one is paying attention, I see you’re not fine. Why don’t you let me help you?”

It bothers me that she sees that, I hate that she can read me so easily when she doesn’t know me and I despise that she pays so much attention to me. Why does she care? Why can’t she just leave me alone?

Between gritted teeth, I push her hands and her away slowly, I don’t want anyone to yell at me for pushing her again. “I don’t wanna get better, that’s why. I’m perfectly fine like this.”

She doesn’t say anything immediately, she just smiles at me like I’ve asked her to help me when I’ve said the complete opposite. “Well, when you do want to get better,” and her smile widens, “you know where to find me. Now I have to go, Grimmy is coming.” Kay takes a step closer again and kisses my cheek before turning around and leaving, almost dancing her way out.

How can she move so fast? Is it because she is petite? I never see her coming! This is not okay, I’ll have to go around using a helmet now just in case she can approach that way again to kiss me. But that’s not the only thing that infuriates me, it’s that she keeps trying to… to fix me when there’s nothing to fix. I’m fine like this, I’ve chosen this and I want people to respect my decision. I want to be like this, I need my anger, I need my hatred, but everyone wants me to change and I can’t.

And Kay… she acts like she cares. Why? She doesn’t know me? Not even my friends try that hard to get to me and make me change. Yes, they attempt to make me see that what I’m doing is not fine, but they step back when I spat at them. Not Kay, she only smiles and tries again. Why? She met me like this, she has done nothing else but hearing what I was like before, but this is all she really knows about me, yet she tries and tries. Why? It makes no sense. Why does she want to change me? I get it from my friends, they knew the old me and they want it back, but Kay doesn’t. What I am today is all she knows but she still wants me to change. Why?

Why? Why? Why?

And why can’t I get over that? Why can’t I just ignore her as I want her to ignore me? Even if I just hate on her, she is always on my mind and I hate that, I hate it so much. She doesn’t leave me alone, even when she is not around.

So mad at everyone, and even madder at myself, I storm out of the stage. I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be where everyone is having fun. I don’t want to see Liam and Tammy getting along. I don’t want to see Niall trying to impress Skyler by playing the guitar and the girl pitying him. I don’t want to see Alex smiling at his silly boyfriend. I don’t want to see Zayn trying to look manlier so no one will call him girl again. I don’t want to see Josh idolising Leanne for how she plays the drums. I don’t want to see any of this. And mostly, I don’t want to see Harry’s worried eyes on me, so I leave.

I don’t know exactly where I’m going, I’m just walking away from the stage, through the halls, walking past rooms and other halls that lead I don’t know where. I just keep fighting to push everything out of my mind, to leave it blank. I don’t want Kay with her eternal smile there, I don’t want the memory of her touch nor her words echoing in my head. I want to be alone, I want to be in peace.

Why does she care? Why? Why can’t I just stop thinking of that? I hate her, I hate her so much because even when she is not around, she doesn’t leave me alone and I want to be alone!

Frustrated, I stop and grab my hair tightly, feeling how my knuckles start to get white and as if like that I could get rid of Kay and everything else.

I’m about to let out a scream out of sheer frustration when I hear her voice, as clear as ever, as happy as usual. I step back and press myself against the wall, her voice comes from the hall at my right, the one I was about to take. If I hadn’t stopped, I would’ve ran into her. Thank you not only God but Jesus for making me stop!

“Grimmy! I’m gad you’re here. You were missing something incredible,” she tells him and even though I can’t see, I picture her hugging the host of The Breakfast Show on Radio BBC1.

“Any improvement on your Louis Project?” he asks and I hear the amusement in his voice. Louis Project? What the fuck is that?

“Hmm, maybe a bit. He doesn’t push me away immediately now and he tries to fight me back when I touch him. I kissed him the other day,” she answers as my eyes widen and I hear Grimmy laughing.

“I really don’t understand why you keep doing this. The bloke doesn’t want to get better,” he tells her and I want to scream thanks because that’s exactly what I’m wondering myself. “You aren’t falling for him, are you?”

Now Kay laughs.

“Of course not, that’s not my style. And I dunno,” she answers and I see her clearly in my mind shrugging, her smile still there. “I think it’s not fair if he hates on all of us just because of what one did.”

“Such a good soul,” Grimmy mocks her and Kay laughs again.

“I try,” she jokes. “He is a challenge that seems impossible, I guess. And you know I can’t say no to a good challenge. Plus, it’s really fun to push his buttons.”

I knew it… I knew it. Very deep in my heart I knew she didn’t really care. All this is nothing but a challenge, a project. I’m her fucking project, nothing else. She doesn’t really care if I get better or not, she only wants to have fun. She is just like all the others.

When I turn around and leave that hall I tell myself that I don’t feel betrayed, that I don’t care, that the feeling in my chest is not because I just found out about the truth. No, it has nothing to do with that. That feeling in my chest is hatred, nothing but hatred.