I may utterly hate women and particularly these girls in the band Prodigy but believe me when I say they have talent. It’s beyond amazing, the way the play the instruments so easily, how their voices harmonise so perfectly. It’s like the guitars, bass and even the handmade drum set —I’ll never get over how Leanne just went picking boxes until she got the percussion she needed— are part of their bodies, another limb of theirs. Their voices match so perfectly I truly envy them. We’ve never reached that level and people say we were born to sing together, but these girls leave me speechless. And their songs are different, too. You expect a girl band to sing about love and breakups, you expect that from any band, to be honest, but they perform three songs and none of them is about that kind of love. They talk about struggle, they talk about being more than what you can and the other is about telling everyone that they can fuck off, you are who you want to be. All those songs are powerful and so full of meaning… they are exactly what these kids need to hear right now.

I kind of feel embarrassed to go now and sing about getting the girl after a partying all night. I feel like our songs have no meaning next to theirs. Niall is the only one who plays the guitar whilst we sing, meanwhile they made a drum set! How is that even possible?!

Still, as we sing One Thing, Little Things and a new song from our latest album, the kids enjoy our little performance. They don’t get as excited as when Prodigy was on stage and I honestly don’t blame them. We can do great things, we can blow minds… but next to them everyone looks like a bad joke. And these girls know that. Now I understand why Alex and Kay are fangirling right now. I’m sure that if Mila, Moni and Hannah were here they would be the same.

Like good competitors, the members of Prodigy congratulate us, but in their eyes you know that they know they are better. And they are. The fuckers. How can some people be so talented? I know Niall is really impressed, even more with Skyler —I think that’s her name—, the lead guitar because she blew his mind with her solos. So they start talking about guitars and Alex is next to them, fascinated as well. I notice that Skyler only comes to life when music is involved. Maybe she only lives for that, meanwhile I can see how the other three girls really enjoy the attention they are receiving.

I’m a bit away from them, not taking part in any conversation and I only look at them. The kids, my band mates, Grimmy, the camera guy and the girls from Prodigy talking, and having what it seems like a good time. Even Liam and Tammy are talking and they don’t look like they are fighting this time.

“Why are you so lonely over here?” a voice asks me, startling me at the same time that her arm loops around me, pulling me closer.

I look at her and I find her chocolate eyes on me, looking at me with curiosity and amusement. She always looks at me like that. But then I remember I saw her crying, I saw her different a few minutes ago and for a moment that memory makes me stay still instead of pushing her away for touching me.

“Are you trying not to fangirl?” she teases and only then I recover and realise that she is touching me, so I step back, making sure to get rid of her arm around mine.

“I’m not a girl,” I tell her between gritted teeth. She rolls her eyes and waves dismissively.

“You know what I mean. It sounds better to say fangirl than fanboy.” I don’t say anything, I just look at her expressionless and she sighs. “Anyways, are you okay? You look more serious than usual. I thought you were going to be playing with kids and stuff like that. They really need all the fun they can get.”

I frown, not because she thinks the kids need to have fun, that’s true; but because she thought I was going to be playing with them. “What makes you think I would play with them?” I ask. “You don’t know me.”

“But your friends do and I’m trying to get to know you, Louis. You just don’t let me,” she answers and tries to take a step closer but I take one farther. She sighs again. “They say you were like that, always playing and making people laugh. Good with kids. But I haven’t seen that since I met you,”

“That’s because I’m not like that anymore,” I answer, the truth easy on my lips but she shakes her head.

“We always think that we can kill part of ourselves, but that’s not true, Lou. We can bury them, we can hide them and pretend they are not part of us anymore, but we’re wrong. They make us what we are, they are part of us, we can’t get rid of them. Sooner or later, they come back to us. What we can do is learn how to live with them and control them, but we can’t kill them.” She looks at me seriously, intently but I can only frown. “That part of you is still there and I’ll make it come back. I’m sure even you miss that part.” She then winks and moving faster than I would think, she is in front of me and she takes advantage of my surprise to stand on her tiptoes, then she grabs my face and pulls me down until her lips are over mine.

I blink twice before she pulls apart and before I can think of what happened and what she did, Kay steps farther away and smiles brightly.

“I’ll bring that part of you back, babe,” she says dancing her way away from me.

Only then realisation hits me and rage burns inside of me. She kissed me. She fucking kissed me and I did nothing to stop her! That bitch took advantage of me and I did nothing to stop her. She caught me off guard after that speech. It’s not fair! I wasn’t expecting that, I wasn’t prepared.

“Never do that again!” I shout at her and she looks at me over her shoulder, her smile even brighter while I can only feel frustration in my veins.

“Try to stop me,” she shouts back, her smile wide and mischievous and I know the rest are watching us and they see when she blows me a kiss, but I wont let her touch me, even if it’s metaphorically, so I pretend I have a bat and smack that kiss away like I’m just playing baseball.

She laughs and so do others, including kids. Alex is smiling brightly, just like Harry but I ignore them. They don’t know Kay just kissed me without my consent. What does she think she is? She can’t go around kissing people. Even less people that don’t like her!

I turn around and go to the bathroom. I need to wash my mouth.

+ + + + +

I’m ready with my makeup and hairstyle for before the gig and as Lou works on the other lads, I play with Lux, our makeup artist’s daughter. A few days have passed since we went to the charity for troubled kids and since we met Prodigy. Liam took a real interest in the cause and he’s gone a few times again. I think he found his charity, after all, and we’re happy for him. Though what doesn’t make us happy, particularly me, is that he is spending time with Tammy. She also found her charity, I guess, and it annoys me that it has to be the same as Liam’s. And what is worse is the kids asked us to play together. They did it when I was in the toilet so I didn’t have a say in the matter. Kay told me —yes, she was the only one who minded telling me— that the kids asked for us to play something together. Tammy accepted immediately, what surprised everyone, and nagged everyone to accept, too. So now we’re supposed to have a gig together for these kids and other charities. Grimmy is as excited as the kids.

So, after that day, Tammy has been insisting a lot, calling Liam and stuff just to remind him that we need to rehearse. I don’t want to see those girls again, I would’ve never accepted this gig with them, but I wasn’t there to voice my opinion and it’s because of Kay, so I blame her for what I have to do against my will.

I still can’t believe she just kissed me —I know, it was only a peck but still— without my permission. When I remember that I feel fury burning in my veins. I’ll never let her do that again. Never.

Why is she so awful? Why can’t she just understand I don’t like her? At least she has given me a bit of space as she is busy directing the documentary. She works a lot on checking all what they have so far and what they need. She told us yesterday that she will interview us, so we should expect a few days with her and the camera man, Peter. I dread that day. I hope it never comes. Kay and Peter are always around, sometimes we don’t notice them —we’re kind of used to having cameras around—, others I just can’t ignore she is there. And that infuriates me. Why can’t we have a guy directing the documentary? Why did it have to be her?

“You are still a nice girl,” I tell Lux playing with her. She is laughing adorably whilst I pray inside. I wish she would have never to grow up.

“I’m nice!” she says in that cute little voice and then she giggles, making me smile as well.

“You’ll be always a little girl, won’t you?” I ask playing with her little hands. Hers are so small and chubby in mine.

“Always!” she repeats, finding so funny to say the words I say. I can’t help but smile.

“You’re so cute. You’ll never be a whore like the other women, right?”

“Whore!” she repeats and my eyes shoot wide open. “Whore, whore, whore,” she laughs and panic runs in my veins.

“Oh shit. No, don’t say whore,” I plead but she only laughs, finding my panic and the word so funny.

“Shit. Whore. Shit, Whore!” she laughs and starts saying those words even louder. “Whore!”

Lou finally hears her and I swear I can feel her burning eyes on me, ready to kill me. I know I have to run away before my life ends here, so I turn slowly and I almost wee my pants when I see Lou getting closer.

“Mummy!” Lux exclaims. “Whore, whore! What’s whore, Mummy?” she asks and I can almost se fume coming out of Lou’s nostrils.

Holy crap, I’m dead.

“Mummy, I’m scared, I don’t want to be a whore!” Lux cries next and I step aside, trying to put a safe distance between Lou and I, scared as fuck she may kill me for teaching her little girl to say those words.

“Louis William Tomlinson, what have you done?” her tone is lethal.

I start hyperventilating. I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead. “It was Harry!” I shout out of the blue whilst Lou takes Lux in her arms and the little girl hugs her tightly.

“Oi!” The curly-haired boy exclaims from afar but Lou’s eyes are still on me.

“Shit!” Lux adds to make things worse and I can see my grave now, I can see my funeral happening.

“Run before I kill you,” Lou warns me and I don’t need her to say it twice before I sprint out of the dressing room, not before I hear how the lads crack up laughing at my expense.

Man, I shouldn’t be allowed to play with kids.

As I keep running away, approaching the stage, I receive a text so I stop to check my phone.

Man, that was funny. Pity I can’t use it for the documentary though I recorded it. I’ll send it later! — Kay

Since when does she have my number? I never gave it to her! Can’t she stop harassing me? It’s her fault I taught Lux how to say whore, I was thinking of her when I said it. If she had left me alone, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s all her fault!