Everyone was right. I lost Kay because I was the biggest douche and I didn’t see the kind of girl who was fighting for me but she gave up. Who can blame her for that, though? It’s a miracle she tried for so long. I would’ve given up the second day. And after all I made her go through? After hurting her for so long? I’m really impressed she didn’t kill me.

So I lost Kay. She walked away and now, like the big arsehole I am, I realise what I feel for her. I guess it’s been clear for everyone but me. Now I know why I was so jealous when we met Dave. Now I know why I felt like that every time she touched me. Now I know why I couldn’t resist her. Now I know why I couldn’t stop thinking of her. Now I know I was falling for her, slowly, fearfully, but surely falling for her until I reached rock bottom. Yes, I fell for Kay and I realise that the moment she walks away.

Do I get an award for that or what?

Seriously, how typical yet stupid is that? How much of an idiot do you have to be to let a woman like Kay walk away? Oh let me tell you, you have to be Louis Tomlinson idiot to do that.

How easily do tables turn, uh? I was a coward who couldn’t take a risk before when there was no real risk. Kay always proved me she was serious, that she really meant this. I mean, she coped with my shit for so long and she still managed to smile at me, to help me. What further proof do I need? But now she can’t take the risk but she has a reason to, because all what I’ve proved to her is that I’m a coward who doesn’t know how to manage anger and heartbreak. I’ve shown her that I’m an idiot who blames everyone because that’s the easiest thing to do.

Kay has all the right to believe she can’t trust in me! I myself can’t be sure!

But I want her, I— I love her. I love the little feisty Kay who didn’t give up no matter how much shit I threw at her until she couldn’t take it anymore. The girl who can light up a room with her smile. The gracious girl who always looks like she is dancing instead of walking. The optimist and strong girl who can’t be brought down with words. The girl who put a fight for a lost cause. The girl who learnt to ignore other’s opinions. The girl who only wanted to help a poor idiot and who got hurt. I love my sassy Kay Evans.

I know it’s late and that I should’ve realised this long time ago, but I just hope it isn’t too late. But it seems like it is because no matter what I do, I can’t find Kay. Peter answers me that he can’t tell me where she is, but that I shouldn’t bother her because she is working on the documentary. So we shoot my part with him, I do everything that he tells me to do but I can’t stop thinking of her. I try to find her again, every day, but it’s pointless. I never see her and if I ask someone for her whereabouts, no one tells me shit. And with every day that passes I only confirm how I feel about her and that I have to do something.

By the time we finish with the second part of the European tour I know exactly what I have to do, but it’s too late. Jeannine tells me that Kay has finished the documentary, at least the shooting part, so now she won’t come with us anymore. She has finished her job with us and has cut contact with all of us.

I definitely lost her just when I realise how much I love her. How much I’ve loved her for a long time. She started to change me the moment she teased me with Starbucks cups, throwing at me the things that made me angry just so I would understand that I was being an idiot. And I started to love her the day I saw her crying for the kids a You Matter, when she revealed me a different side. And I only fell deeper when I kissed her back, when I lost control of my emotions. And when we slept together I signed the contract to fall madly in love with her.

Things could’ve been so different if I had realised this before.

And now she is gone and I don’t even remember where she lives so I can try to talk to her.  I was drunk and busy kissing her when we left the club that first night together, and then too lost in my thoughts on my way back to know how I left and got home. I try to remember now but it’s futile, it’s all blurry in my mind. The hole in my chest grows larger and larger but I don’t let myself get sad. No, I keep a smile. She did so much for me to get better, to understand all the things I was doing wrong. I can’t throw all that away again. I fucked things up with her, but in sake of her effort I will make amends now. I won’t step on all her hard work, what she did won’t be worthless.

Yes, I lost her, but I didn’t lose all what she did for me. She helped me, she fixed me and I won’t forget that. I lost her because I couldn’t prove her I was finally okay. So this is what I’ll do: I’ll apologise to all my friends for all the stupid things I did. I’ll go to a therapist to help me manage my fear of not being enough. I know it goes back to when my father left us, so I need help. And I’ll even make sure it’s a woman therapist, just to prove myself I’m doing better and that what Kay did wasn’t in vain.

And that’s what I do: I talk to all my friends. Starting with the girls: Alex, Belle, Phebs, Mila, Moni, Hannah and even Savannah. And with the boys, I apologise to all of them, especially Harry because I know how worried he has been about me. And with Liam. I even apologise to him for the things I said about Tammy, because I know I did it out of jealousy, because he took the risk I couldn’t take with Kay, so I needed to ruin his happiness to feel better in my own misery.

I suck as a human being.

But at least my friends forgive me and things start to get back to normal. I do all this in Kay’s name, I always keep her in my mind. I really miss her and I always wonder what she is doing, I wonder if she is thinking of me, too. I remember all the time we spent together and when I’m in my flat I relive in my mind that day together. If I had taken the risk then we could be like that every day. Together. I would see her working on the documentary, trying to distract her so she would pay attention to me.

If I weren’t the coward I am things would be so different and great.

And it’s when I’m at my flat that I realise there’s one more thing to do so when I see Kay again —If I ever see her again— I can tell her that I’m fine, that I finally sorted things out and it’s all because of her. Because she saved me from myself. I lost her, but I didn’t lose myself this time. And that’s how I find myself driving and knocking at her door, because this is what I was supposed to do from the beginning.

Eleanor opens the door and when her eyes meet mine I see sheer incredulity. “Hi,” I say with an honest smile. “I think we need to talk. Finally,” I add and she blinks up at me but opens the door wider so I can come in.

I don’t feel rage anymore, I don’t feel that pain in my chest when I see her. I remember the good times and I understand things couldn’t work anymore. It took me almost six months only, but I finally understand.

“Do-do you want something to drink?” she asks me and I know she is very confused right now.

“Tea would be lovely,” I answer and she nods, so I follow her to the kitchen as she starts to prepare two cups of tea.

We don’t say anything at the beginning and she is shaking but I don’t lose my smile. I feel bad I didn’t do this before, but I’m happy I’m doing it now. This proves how I’m better now, how Kay did fix me.

“So, how have you been?” I ask her and with a strangled voice she replies she’s been okay. “I’m glad, El. I came here to apologise,” I say and she looks even more confused, so I chuckle. “Yeah, I mean I blamed you all this time for leaving me, for not fighting for us, but truth be told, I didn’t fight for you.”

“I tried to make it work,” she whispers looking really sad.

“I know. I know you did. That’s why I’m saying sorry, because I threw it all on you when it was my fault, too. And it was kinda inevitable, I guess. We both have changed and it wasn’t the same, right?” Eleanor shakes her head. “Now I understand it. It took me a long time, but now I get it. So I’m sorry I made things more difficult for you.”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Lou. You know how much I loved you and it killed me to hurt you. It was so hard when I noticed I was falling for Eric. I kept telling me that I had to love you, that I loved you!” she blurts out frantically and I know she’s been trying to tell me that for so long. “The day you walked away it broke my heart. I never wanted for you to react like that.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I repeat. I always thought of my pain only and it never crossed my mind that it had been difficult for Eleanor, too.

“But I felt like if I was with you when I didn’t love you the same way anymore, I would be just hurting you in another way. I felt it was worse than cheating, because I was cheating myself.” I nod, making her know I understand. “I’m so sorry, Lou.”

“It’s okay. You are right, it would’ve been worse if you stayed with me if you didn’t love me anymore. And it turned out to be the best, didn’t it? You’re happy with Eric now.” I know she doesn't want to but she can’t help it, she smiles shyly avoiding my eyes. She does love him. “And I fell for someone else, too.”

Eleanor’s eyes meet mine immediately, a smile playing in her lips. “Really? Who is she?” she asks and I know she is really interested.

I smile sadly. “Her name is Kay,” I tell her, losing my smile little by little.

“Like The Script’s song?” she asks and when I think of the song, I laugh. In a scale to one to the Script, how accurate can one song be?

“Yeah, just like the song. She worked with us making the documentary. She helped me a lot, in a very weird way, you know? She pushed all my buttons down until I had to face what was wrong with me.” Eleanor keeps smiling at me and my story. “But I lost her. I let her walk away.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry! What happened?” she asks me taking my hand and giving me an encouraging squeeze.

“I’m an idiot, that’s what happened. She got tired of my bullshit and gave up. I realised my feelings for her too late,” I confess, the smile completely gone from my features. “You’d like her, she is amazing. So strong and sassy. She over-sasses me!” Eleanor laughs at my words.

“I’d love to meet her,” she tells me and I look down because I don’t even know where she is now. What if she left to Paris again? She was the happiest there.

“I don’t know where she went,” I confess and Eleanor takes my shoulder now.

“Are you giving up, Louis Tomlinson? I’m shocked! If you really love her, you fight for her!” El encourages me and I look at her surprised. “Go for her. Someone must know where she is. Find her! Tell her how you feel and tell her that for her you’ll try to be better. We can always be better if we try.”

I blink surprised, laughing at how right she is. I didn’t fight for Eleanor, to win her back. I let her walk away and okay, that was the best decision. I managed my pain in the wrong way, but still, it was for the better. But no, letting Kay walk away is not the best decision. Niall is right, Kay is the kind of girl you only meet once and you can’t just let her go. You hold on to her and fight for her.

Eleanor is right! I have to fight for Kay. I have to show her I’m better, that I’m even seeing a therapist. I mean, I came here to talk to Eleanor! If that doesn’t prove I’m better, what does it? And if she still can’t trust me, then I’ll keep trying, proving her that she can.

What if I I’m not enough for her?

Then I’ll try to be better!

I know the risk of her finding someone better is big, but what I feel for her is bigger than any risk. I’ll fight anyone for her, to keep her with me. She said she fell for me and I know she loved me, and if she still loves me… then we have to be together.

“Thank you, Eleanor,” I say and the Manchester girl smiles at me brightly.

“Go and get your girl.” And that’s what I’m exactly going to do.