Days pass and things are well… weird. First, Liam is not the same. It’s like he doesn’t care anymore. Before you would always see him smiling, trying to make everything work, pleasing everyone. Now he only looks tired and he wants to be alone all the time. I hate Tammy for what she did to him, but he is worse without her. It’s like he gave up and it worries me, it’s like he lost the life in his eyes.

Yes, I get the irony of this. This is what they always told me how they saw me, and just because I remember how much it annoyed me is that I don’t try to make Liam talk or anything. I just leave him alone. He needs time; he’ll be fine.

Now Kay. She… she has avoided me completely. In our time in Poland she didn’t look at me a single time. Later in the Netherlands was the same. We could walk past each other and it was like she didn’t saw me there, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. Every time she was near the hole in my chest grew larger and larger. It’s weird not to have her around, sending me texts, telling me that she misses me, that she wants to be with me. It’s weird not having her smiling at me, winking me, making me blush with something. It’s just weird that she doesn’t acknowledge my existence anymore and that I… I, well, kind of miss that. I kind of miss her.

She is the same with everyone! I’ve seen her laughing with Harry. Going out with Alex. Mocking Niall. Talking with Zayn and even supporting Liam, but she doesn’t look at me one single time. It’s like nothing has changed, but at the same time, everything is different. And well, she is not the only one giving me the cold shoulder. Harry is the only one who talks to me and he barely tells me a few things. I know he is also disappointed in me, but I was right. Tammy did use Liam. She is awful! Why is everyone mad at me?

I know that Kay is done with Harry, which mean I’m the only one missing. But she hasn’t come to me, nor even Peter. What? Is she going to leave me out of the documentary?

“Louis,” I hear someone calling me and I didn’t notice that person coming because I was too distracted thinking of Kay.

When I look back I see Peter —he is the one who called my name— and next to him is Kay. My heart does a flip-flop in my chest and I rise to my feet immediately. I was lying on the grass outside the venue.

“Kay,” I say but she looks away, like no one has said her name and I feel like something twisting inside of me

“We need to shoot your part, so please come with us,” Peter speaks again but I frown. I want Kay to tell me these things. She is making the documentary. But she won’t even look at me.

I sigh and nod. She is the first to turn on her heels and walk away, and Peter follows her. I’m close behind, my eyes on her all the time. I don’t know why but I feel like running to catch up with her and take her hand to make her stop and look at me. I know that she is avoiding me for what I said and did, but I just— I just want her to be like she used to be. I can’t believe that I’m thinking of this, either, but I really miss her smiling at me. Now she doesn’t even meet my eyes and it hurts in a way I didn’t think it could happen.

Kay leads us to the dressing room and when we’re there, Peter instructs me to sit on the sofa while Kay looks at her notes. I see her wearing her glasses and I smile. She looks so pretty when she wears her glasses, and sexy, really sexy. And then she meets my eyes and I lose my smile because her brown eyes are cold like ice.

“Louis, tells us what’s One Direction for you,” she instructs when Peter is ready to shoot so I look at him and answer.

“Family. They are my best mates, the only people who understand how is to be living this dream. I couldn’t imagine my life without them,” I say honestly. “We complement each other, if one of us is missing, One Direction doesn’t exist. It’s all or nothing.”

I look at Kay for confirmation and she nods but there’s no emotion in her features and I want to see her smile at my response, at the way I see my best friends. “What do you think it’s what you’ve learnt during the journey?” Is the next question and I have to think, so I quit looking at her.

“That we have our ups and down, but we’re always there for each other. If I’m not feeling well they will get worried and…” I stop, realising the meaning of my own words. “… And they will do anything to make me feel better, even if I don’t know myself I want to get better.”

Kay looks at me, noticing what I’ve said, too. The lads nagged me so much because we’re a family, because they care about me and want to see me better and I wasn’t okay. I was hurting, I was miserable and they did all what they could. And Kay… she worked so hard! I see all what she’s done, the teasing, the jokes, the shouting… everything just so I would leave my comfort zone and face the reality: I wasn’t okay. I’m not okay.

I meet her eyes and for an intense period of time, no one says anything, but I can only look at her. She confused me, she shook everything up for me and pushed me even when I didn’t want to. She messed with my head so I would have to think and question everything… so I would find meaning and see I wasn’t doing okay.

She wasn’t just annoying me… she was helping me.

Kay breaks the eye contact and reads the next question.

“Tells us about your music. Does it reflect who you are?” And her voice is cold again but I sense a slight tremble at the end.

“Yes, it has always reflected us. From the beginning, when we didn’t know what we were doing, when we only followed orders, to this very moment. Now we know who we are, what we like and what we want to say and we put that in out music, in our performances. We grew… like our fans grew. We changed, and we’re still changing. We’ll never be the same and there will be better groups out there, but we will always be true to ourselves and enjoy the moment.” I breathe in deeply after that answer. I don't know why I didn’t see this before. Of course some fans will leave, because everyone is changing. Of course there will be other bands better than us, but that doesn’t mean we’re bad or not good enough.

I’m not the same person Eleanor met and she is not the same person I met. We changed and that’s why we couldn’t be together anymore. That’s why she found someone who could be with the Eleanor of now. That’s why I didn’t fight for her, because I also knew we weren’t the same people and we didn’t belong together anymore.

Why the fuck didn’t I realise this before?

“Would you change something in your life?” Kay asks me and I look at her for a few seconds before looking at the camera again.

“Absolutely nothing.” I wouldn’t change a thing, not even my breakup with Eleanor because what happened had to happen. Why didn’t I see this before? Why am I having this epiphany only now?

I look at Kay but she is not smiling or anything, she is only business and ice. And she makes more questions about how I feel regarding the band, the tour, my family, my friends, my life before and after One Direction.

“That’s all for today. If you wanna finish with this now you can give the ‘fans’ a tour for the venue. That’s why we make with every one of you in a different country. We normally take a few days to do this, but I guess you want to finish this now, so we—”

“We can take as long as you want,” I hurry to say because I don’t want this to end. I want her to keep talking to me.

Kay looks at me confused but she shrugs. “Whatever you want.” She makes a signal for Peter and he puts down the camera and microphone. “Tomorrow Peter will go for you and—”

“Only Peter?” I ask and she looks more confused but she nods. “Won’t you come with me?”

“No. You don’t need me and by now Peter knows exactly what we need. I’ll be working on the editing to finish as soon as possible the Documentary and leave.”

My eyes widen at her words and I stay there, watching her as she write some notes on the papers. Peter leaves so I step closer. Will she leave soon? That means I won’t see her again but… but I don't want her to leave, I want her near, I want her to talk to me again, to smile at me again. She has helped me so much and I know I’m not fully okay. She hasn’t finished with me! She can’t leave yet.

“Talk to me,” I beg and she looks at me with arched eyebrows. “Please, just talk to me now.”

“What do you wanna know? About the documentary? Well, you already saw a part.” I smile because I remember that day together and at the memory, the hole in my chest feels smaller. “But I’m almost done so you—”

“About yourself,” I cut her off taking her wrist to pull her to the sofa. She stumbles a bit but I manage to get her next to me. “Tell me how it was when you were in school. About your family. Your time in Paris. Why did you choose filmmaking?” I ask realising I’ve never asked her anything; I’ve never wanted to know about her. But now I do, I want to know about Kay, about the girl who has pushed me to hear my own thoughts. “Please,” I insist when I see her reluctance.

“I’m an only daughter. My parents are great, they have always supported me in everything. I was bullied in school but Mum always told me that I shouldn’t care about people who were going to be nothing but memories soon enough. She told me to kill them with kindness so I always smiled at everyone. By the time I got to secondary school, I couldn’t care less about other’s opinions. Dad used to tell me it was because they were jealous of me. Maybe it was that, maybe it wasn’t.”

“I bet they were,” I comment and Kay looks really confused, but I’m fascinated. I want to know more, I want to know everything. I remember Rachel telling me that if I wanted to know Kay I only had to ask, so that’s what I’m doing.

“Secondary school wasn’t pleasing but I managed it. It was hard when I realised I’m bisexual. It was hard to stay strong when everyone thought I was only a whore, when everyone yelled at me that. But my family always gave me strength to keep fighting. They told me that I was their daughter and nothing else mattered, I was always going to be perfect for them. The worse was when some kids hacked the school’s website to post pictures of me with a girl and a boy, saying no one was safe. It was very humiliating,” she tells me and I feel so bad, so terribly bad for her.

“I’m so sorry, that must’ve been terrible.” Kay still looks confused but she nods and when I take her hand, she looks even more confused. “I’m glad your had your family. Is that because you’re so strong? Why no one can bring you down now?” I ask.

Kay opens her mouth as to reply but her perplexity stops her. “Louis, what are you doing? What’s all this? Why are you asking me these questions now? You’ve never cared about me.”

“I’m sorry,” I say squeezing her hand but she pulls away. Kay stands up and puts distance between us. “I didn’t realise until now how much you’ve done for me. Now I know that the hole I’ve felt in my chest since the day you gave up is you. You are what’s missing in me, Kay. I’m sorry I didn't see it before, but when you were asking me those things I saw it. I saw everything so clear!” I stand up and try to take her hands one more time, but she steps back. “I’m sorry for the things I told you, the things I did to you.”

“What do you want, Louis? Stop playing games.” I see pain in her eyes and I know it’s because of me. She cares, she has always cared for me. She has always wanted the best for me. All what she wanted was to help me but I never saw that until this moment, and now everything is so clear I feel like laughing!

“I guess… I guess all I wanna say is I’m sorry and please forgive me for all the things I’ve said. I’ve been so wrong and you were only helping. You’ve helped me so much! I see it now, Kay. I see it all!” I can’t stop smiling, it’s like whatever was blinding me is gone. Everything was in front of me all this time but I didn’t want to see it, until now, when she is about to leave.

“You’re forgiven,” she says and I step closer, ready to grab her in my arms and kiss her, but she raises her hands and stop me. “But that doesn’t mean I can trust you, Louis. I told you, you lost the war. I can’t keep doing this. What assures me that next time someone makes a mistake you won’t blame all women again? What guarantees me that you won’t do the same again if I make a mistake? Now you say you see everything, but how can I know it’s for real? I can’t, Louis. I tried for too long and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t trust you.”

“Kay,” I call her and she pushes me, looking away.

“Don’t. Don’t say anything. You can’t come now saying that you had an epiphany and see everything clearly. You just can’t do that to me! I’m not a toy and I’m not up for these sick little games of yours. I’m glad you see how wrong you were, but you can’t expect me to go back to you now. I gave you many, oh so many chances, and you tossed them away all the time. I won’t humiliate myself anymore. Do you have an idea of how frustrating it was for me all this time?” I don’t say anything because I can’t even imagine. “It was the most denigrating thing. You called me bitch so many times, you made me feel like a whore when there was no reason to. You made me believe you felt something for me but then you humiliated me in front of everyone. You never accepted what was happening between us. I put up with all that for you, because I believed in you. But I can’t do it anymore, Louis. I don’t trust you. Because if I give in now, if I throw myself to your arms, I’ll be waiting for the next moment someone makes a mistake and you flip everyone off. No, I won’t do it.”

“I won’t. I know I was wrong and blaming everyone for what Tammy did was wrong, but you have to believe me, it won’t happen again. Kay, I see it now! Please, hear me out, I—”

“No, you hear me out. I’m done with all this. I don’t believe you, I don't trust you. You’re too big of a risk and I hurt myself enough with you. I tried my best but it wasn’t enough for you and I respect myself, you know? I won’t expose myself to your shit anymore. Goodbye, Louis.” And without another word she leaves, walking past me without looking back, no matter how many times I call her name, Kay is gone.