“Are you fucking kidding me?” she repeats as if I didn’t hear her the first time. Well, maybe as I don’t say anything she thinks I actually didn’t, but I did, very clearly.

“I’m not talking to you,” I spat and she turns red, angry kind of red. Should I be scared? She clenches her fists and she is breathing heavily but I don’t move, I don’t react, I only raise my eyebrows defiantly. “I’m just stating the facts. That whore of Tammy just used Liam. I told everyone not to trust women, and definitely not Tammy!” And again, that anger boiling inside of me. I will kill Tammy for doing that to Liam.

“You are a fucking idiot. I just— I just can’t believe how big of a dick you actually are.” I raise my eyebrows even higher, a cynical expression on my face. “Don’t look at me like that, you know very well what I’m talking about, you giant moron!”

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion!” I shout at her and I don’t even notice when Liam leaves and the lads step back, giving Kay and I space.

“Well, your idiotic behaviour reaches us, you know? And my mum told me long time ago that when people are being too stupid you need to tell them… or push them off a cliff. And there’s no cliff nearby so I can only tell you: You are a bloody fucktard!” Kay snarls at me and she kind of looks like a wolf… about to kill its pray. Am I the poor stag?

Ha!

“Not of your business.” I fold my arms over my chest, smirking at her and that drives her crazy. She throws her arms in the air and I think she will explode.

“That’s it. I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. I thought— I thought you were doing better. After all this time, after all what you’ve learnt. After that day…” She looks at me and I know exactly what day she is talking about and for a moment I lose my nerve, but I pull myself together again. “But you can’t be helped. You can’t be fixed. You are a stubborn motherfucker who will never learn. You wanna be hurt, you want people to pity you. You wanna be the bloody victim and I’m tired of your shit. I can’t take it anymore.”

“You shouldn’t have even tried to begin with. I told you it was useless,” I rub in her face and she chuckles humourlessly.

“Yes I had. I had to even try but it was pointless indeed. You are impossible. I thought a part of you wanted to get better. To love again, but I was wrong.” Kay chokes on her words and she has to look away for a second. “I thought I could help you but you’re helpless. You throw away all your progress in one second, blaming all women again for the mistake of one. And that’s what you will always do. Blame everyone because that’s the easy way out. Because you are a coward twat and I can’t believe I fell for your sorry arse!”

I hear everyone gasping as much as I do at her word and when she smiles, I only see disgusts in her features. Fell for me… Kay fell for me?

“But I won’t try anymore. I give up. I fucking give up because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t help you if you don’t wanna get better. I’m done with you. You finally got what you wanted, Louis. You got rid of me. You’re not worth my time, you’re not worth my tears and all this pain. Go and enjoy you pity party, go and push everyone away. Go and keep hurting your friends and all those who care about you. Go and hate on everyone because you’re too much of a coward to take a risk. Go and fuck yourself, Louis Tomlinson. I’m done with you. And when you realise how big of a dick you’ve been, don’t come back to me. I don’t wanna see you ever again. You disgust me.”

I see the tears streaming down her face and she brushes them away with anger. Her cheeks are still blushed but not only with anger, also with pain. A heart-breaking pain that I can almost touch.

“You won this battle, Louis, but you lost the war,” Kay says and she is breathing heavily and looks at me for five seconds that feel like five years, but I don’t say anything and she lets go of a sob before she runs away. Like that, she is out.

I stay there, standing, with my eyes lost in the nothingness, breathing slowly, almost scared of taking another breath. You disgust me, I hear in my mind over and over again. I’ve done it, I pushed Kay until she reached her limit and left. I actually did it. She left because I didn’t give her another option. She won’t bother me again, she won’t smile at me, she won’t tease me, she won’t come after mer. It’s over. Forever.

I did it.

But, why am I not happy about it? This is all what I’ve wanted since I met her, for her to leave me alone. But I don't feel better, I feel emptier. I actually feel empty.

“You giant arse,” Alex growls at me and pushes me, which wakes me up. I shake my head just to focus again. “You just lost the perfect girl for you. The only one who could put up with all your shit. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

And she leaves, running after Kay, leaving the lads and I there alone. I turn to look at them but I only see disappointment. “You only made things worse for Liam,” Zayn says before he also leaves. He doesn’t mention what happened with Kay.

“Mate, you made the biggest mistake of your life,” Niall tells me and I feel how my walls start to rise. They are attacking me. “When I girl like that appears in your life, you fight for her, not against her.”

“Why don’t you go after Kay then, uh?” I spat and he shakes his head.

“My girl is Alex and I would’ve never let her go like you did with Kay. Don’t say women are awful because all what I see is you hurting someone who only tried to help you and one of your best mates,” the Irish boy states in a calmed tone that only infuriates me.

Niall doesn’t say anything else and he walks away, directly to his bunk and I look at Harry, but he only shakes his head and turns around as well, leaving me alone in the middle of the tour bus. Well, who cares about them? I got what I wanted and I’m sure that by tomorrow this hole in my chest will be long gone and everything will be perfect.

+ + + + +

The hole in my chest is choking me and I wake up feeling like I’m falling off a cliff and I can’t stop and I can’t see the bottom of it. I practically jump off my bed and when I look around, no one else is there. I realise the bus has stopped and I’m the only one there. I check the time and it’s late, we probably arrived hours ago but no one told me.

I dress up quickly and leave the tour bus and look for someone and I find Jimmy, one of the sound crew techs and he tells me everyone went out and they will be back by lunchtime. I can’t believe no one told me anything, but again, I’m not surprised. By the time Liam and Zayn came back, the Wolverhampton boy looked devastated and Zayn only glared daggers at me. I fell asleep with everyone giving me the cold shoulder.

I sigh and think I should go back to the tour bus to sleep a bit. I feel emptier than last night and it’s probably because I haven’t really slept. I only had nightmares and I’m really tired. I know we have an interview in the afternoon and I should get some rest. But then I see her and Harry and Peter walking a few metres away. She looks terribly. Not in the sense she looks ugly or anything, she is always beautiful, but she doesn’t love alive. The sparkle so characteristic of hers is dead, like the light of a candle. She is telling Harry some stuff and he nods, listening carefully. I can’t take my eyes off of her and I know that normally she would feel me and look in my direction with a smile, but this time she doesn’t. And she disappears without looking at me one single time.

And then I remember she told me she didn’t want to see me again.

I guess she wasn’t joking and I realise a part of me was expecting she didn’t really mean those words, that she would still fight for me. But she actually meant it, it’s really over. She really gave up. And the hole in my chest grows and it’s consuming everything inside of me, asphyxiating me.

“I’m okay,” I tell myself. This is all I ever wanted, this is what I’ve been trying to achieve all this time. It doesn’t hurt. I’m okay. The whole in my chest is due to a completely different thing, it’s not because of Kay.

This is perfect. She won’t tempt me again, I won’t have to be angry because she is too big of a risk and I can’t take that. She won’t be around, seducing me, making me weak. She won’t flirt with me ever again so I’m safe. I’m finally safe and I should be celebrating. I should be dancing around because no one will make my life a living hell anymore. I can’t finally be at peace.

But I can’t force myself to smile. I can’t even turn around, I’m still looking in Kay’s direction, hoping she will come back with a smile to tell me I’ve learnt the lesson and we can be all happy again. But she doesn’t. She meant those words.

“You okay?” Jimmy asks and only then I realise he is still around. I totally forgot about his presence.

“Yeah, sorry. I though you meant they went away,” I say and I look at him who shrugs.

“Yeah, but Kay said she needs to finish with the documentary ASAP so she asked Harry to stay behind. The rest went out. You know what happened? She looked really weird,” he says and I frown.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know how she’s all happy-go-lucky and she is always smiling at everyone, making you laugh and shit. Well, today she had her eyes all bloodshot and with dark bags under. She looked like when you have been drinking for three days in a row and you have the worst hangover of your life,” Jimmy explained very thoroughly and I can see Kay like that and I know why she does.

She said she fell for me and when she left she was crying. Probably she didn’t sleep, probably she was just cursing my existence.

“You don’t look good either,” Jimmy points out and I shake my head.

“Bad night,” is my answer and he nods. “Probably the same happened to her.”

“Probably,” he agrees. “Anyways, I have work to do. See you around, buddy.” I wave him goodbye and stay there, still thinking, still picturing Kay in my mind. I really pushed her away, I really did it and Niall’s words start to echo in my head.

The biggest mistake of my life.

I’m afraid he may be right, I’m afraid that pushing Kay away was indeed a mistake. But what scares me the most is that if Niall is right, there’s no way of fixing this. I have no fucking clue how I would be able to fix this. Kay was very clear when she told me she didn’t want to see me again.

But what am I thinking? I don’t want to fix this. All I wanted since the beginning was my space and time to heal at my own pace, now I finally have that. I can finally do things how I want to do them. I don’t have anyone nagging me anymore. This is perfect!

And I’ll keep saying that until I believe it.

I finally turn around and go back to the tour bus, to my bunk and I try to sleep, but it’s useless. All I see is Kay, her face when she told me she was done. The disappointment in her eyes, the surrender. I keep telling myself that this is perfect, but hours pass and it’s get harder and harder to believe that as the hole in my chest grows larger and larger.

I don’t even know what to think anymore.