I move back in my flat and although Eleanor doesn’t haunt me inside these walls, it’s still difficult because I can only think of Kay, of that day together. The things we did, how we enjoyed ourselves and I kind of miss her. A part of me wants to go back on tour just to see her but then what? She said she wouldn’t insist anymore and I guess that’s good because it won’t make it as hard for me to resist her, but that means that she won’t be as near as she would normally be.

I would really like if things were different. If I weren’t in an international boy band, if we didn’t have to be part of the world, it would be so much easier. I’d love if it were only the two of us. Even if I give in, I could never be at ease, I would always be jealous; I would always be expecting Kay to find someone else, or to get bored. For how long would it last? A week? A month? A day was the only time we could get just because during that day no one else mattered.

I could never be sure with Kay and no relationship can work like that. It’s just doomed.

So I spend the whole break thinking of her but trying not to think of her. I try not to miss her, but I fail. I fail miserably. I also avoid the guys because I’m trying to figure out what to do. It’s not like they look for me either. Harry and Hannah are very much into their own world. Niall went to see his family and Alex is with Belle and Phebs. Zayn and Mila disappeared together, as usual. Liam is with Tammy… I really don’t like that. I know she will break his heart and Liam is… well, he is very much in love with her. It’s obvious. But she is not a good girl. I don’t know what she is planning, what she wants out of all this, but I swear if she does something to him I will… I will… I don’t know, I just know I’ll make her suffer.

I don’t understand how Liam can be with her, yeah because they are very much together. What does he see in her? She is rude, she is obnoxious, she is mean, she is a bully… she is plain awful. Nothing like Liam! How can they be together? I don’t… I don’t get it. He is taking such a big risk here, she will do something horrible to him, and he probably knows that, and he is still with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out that she is only using him. And still, how can Liam take such a risk? He is crazy.

And even though… despite he is risking his own heart here, he looks so disgustingly happy it’s annoying. Not even when he was with Danielle he looked this happy. It makes no sense to me.

And we’re at the airport, she is here, saying goodbye, hugging him tightly, telling him she is going to miss him. Ha! I don’t believe that for a second. Hannah is also there and Phebs, Belle, Savannah, Mila and even Moni. And yeah, it’s not comfortable with her there.

“So, dear Tommo… how are things going on with Kay?” she asks me looping her arm around mine and even though I try to shove her off, it doesn’t work. That woman is strong.

I can’t help it, I look in her direction and she is laughing at something Alex said next to Niall. I bet it’s embarrassing because the Irish boy is blushing pretty much. When I arrived to the airport she only said hi to me like she greets everyone else. No teasing, no cheeky smile, no anything. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, she told me she was going to leave me alone.

“Great. I finally got rid of her,” I tell her and I try to sound excited but I can’t, as much as I can’t quit looking at her.

“And you don’t sound excited. Seriously, you two are cute together. Why do you keep fighting her? And don’t come with the bullshit that you don’t like her because you do and if you try to lie to me, I’ll cut your balls,” Moni threats and I smile to myself. Moni, always so violent, always threating to cut our balls. She is not normal. How can Ed be with her? Isn’t he scared?

“She is a player and I’m not into one night stands,” I tell her. Not exactly accepting I like her, but not denying it either. This is the furthest I’ve come.

“So if she weren’t like that you would give her a try?” she asks me and I glance at her carefully. Moni likes to analyse people, to put them at test so she can find out more about them. It’s not the answer what she seeks, it’s how they answer, so I have to be careful.

“I— I guess it could work,” I stutter and Moni’s grin appears on her features. Oh-uh.

“You know, players can settle down if someone specials makes them want to settle down. You could make Kay wanna stay with you, you know?” Moni tells me and I furrow my brow. A part of me wants to believe her but then my rational sides speaks up, telling me that how can I do that? I couldn't make Eleanor want to fight for us and stay with me, and Eleanor is the one who wants serious relationships. How can I make it work with Kay? “Of course, only if you want. Otherwise, she’ll have to move on. She won’t wait for you forever, Tommo.”

“You don’t get it,” I mumble and she shakes her head from side to side.

“Oh I do, I understand perfectly. You’re scared you won’t be enough, you’re scared she’ll find someone better and leave you and you think because she is Kay, the odds of her leaving you are even higher than with anybody else.” My eyes widen in shock at how perfectly she utters my thoughts. “And I get it, it’s terrifying to fall in love and then see the person you love walk away with someone better. I have that same fear every day, Louis, but that doesn't stop me from living the day. I know there are better girls than I am, but for now, I’m with Ed. No one has tomorrow bought; you can’t be sure of what will happen. But you have now and you can make this moment count.”

I narrow my eyes at the brunette, impressed. Moni is always teasing me, bullying me or chanting OTP and those things. Even fighting for cupcakes. She is very childish around us, especially around me, and I’ve never seen her this serious about something. Only when she didn’t allow any of us get near Mila when she and Zayn had their fallout.

“Sometimes the consequences are not worth the joy of the moment,” I tell her and she smiles sympathetically at me.

“And sometimes they are. I guess you have to figure out how it works in this case.” She winks at me. “And I hope you realise it is worth it because I want this OTP to become canon, too. I have Mila and Zayn, Harry and Hannah and even Liam and Tammy.” She squeals at the mention of those two and I chuckle. This is the normal Moni, saying foolish things. “You are the only two missing. I like even numbers, Tommo, I want my four OTPs happening now.”

“What about Alex and Niall?” I ask her with a raised eyebrow.

“They happened before I was part of this circle. I didn’t see it blooming, it’s not the same. I can’t feel like this towards them. Pity, I know, but life is hard.” She sounds so melodramatic that I can’t help chuckle at her silly antics.

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to stay with three. I’m not the kind who takes those kind of risks and I’m okay alone.”

“I bet what you want that by the time you come back, you’ll be saying another thing,” she challenges very confident.

“And when I come back and I win on this, you’ll have to… you’ll have to yell at top of your lungs that you love pink and hate cats,” I state and she looks horrified, so I smile mischievously.

“Deal,” agrees the brunette and we shake hands. “But when I win you’ll have to dance in an hula skirt and coconut bra in one of Savannah’s videos.” She states and I shrug. I know I will win this so I’m not worried, no matter how confident she is. She is weird, but not a psychic, she can’t tell how I will feel by the time we come back.

She leaves me before she goes to say goodbye to the rest and soon we’re boarding the plain. This time we’re going to Spain, Poland, the Netherlands and Sweden before coming back for another break, two weeks away from home. I won’t be feeling differently by that time, I won’t think Kay will be worth the risk because there’s no way to change who she is or who I am in that short period of time. It’s impossible.

+ + + + +

Spain is great and we have loads of fun. Niall really loves Spain and he shows off all the time that he speaks Spanish, but then Kay also speaks Spanish. Seriously, that woman is polyglot. She speaks English, Italian, French, a little bit of German and Spanish. When she told us we were all with our mouths hanging wide open and the pride in her smile was evident. Kay has many talents but she doesn’t brag about them and she only tells you when you ask. That’s very humble of her.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to Kay these past few days. I can’t help it. And even more now that she is treating me like she treats everyone else. She doesn’t wink at me, she doesn’t try to seduce me, she doesn't even text me telling me how much she thinks of our nights together. Yes, because now it’s more than one. Sometimes I find myself checking my phone as much as Liam, just waiting for a text that never comes.

She is done with Niall, Zayn and Liam. It’s Harry’s turn to shoot his part of the documentary and I wonder if she is leaving me for the last just to give me more space or something else. A part of me expects it to be for something else.

After our third gig in Spain we’re ready to leave for Poland. We’re very excited to go there this time and we know they are waiting for us very excited, as well. We’ve seen all the TT worldwide. It’s amazing the work the fans can do when they join forces.

Oh, talking about fans… yeah, I’m not a jerk to them anymore. I try to see them just as fans, regardless the sex. They are our supporters and I owe them where I am today, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. I learnt that during our time in Italy and it’s thanks to Davide that I’ll never take our fans for granted again. Even if some of them leave with another artist, they were here and helped us to get where we are. They already did something incredible for us and I can’t forget that because they grew up and changed.

The lads are very proud of me when I said that after I did stop to take pictures and sign autographs when we were leaving a TV station in Madrid. Even Kay smiled at me and I looked away when I felt my heart skipping a beat.

We’re all tired but very pumped up after that amazing gig, and we’re ready to go to bed, but before, Jeannine suggests us to tweet the fans to say thanks for the gig. Sometimes we’re so tired we forget we have to keep interacting with the fans and Management always reminds us to keep in touch. The fans tend to think Management control us and that they even tweet for us when they should thank them for reminding us that we have twitter accounts. Especially to Zayn. Jeannine nags him a lot that he doesn’t tweet that much and if he wants to get more followers, he needs to keep interacting. Then Zayn tweets something random or a drawing and leaves. Jeannine always pinches the bridge of her nose and shakes her head, which makes us all laugh. Poor woman, we’re not easy to work with.

So we tweet some thanks and tell them they were an amazing audience. Niall and Liam stay a while more on twitter, replying to some fans and everything. Liam is spending a lot of time on twitter lately, replying to fans and standing up for Tammy all the time.

“Liam, you okay?” Kay asks and only then I notice Liam’s expression. We all do. He is frowning at the screen and he is pale, his mouth hanging open and something tells me that it’s not due to something cute.

The blonde girl grabs his shoulder and we approach to see if he is okay, but he looks in shock. “Liam,” even Alex looks concerned. Jeannine has left and it’s only us in the tour bus: Niall, Zayn, Harry, Alex, Kay and I. “What’s wrong?”

Liam blinks, like just coming back from this weird trance and he hands Alex his phone. We all rush to see the screen and I see it’s an interview. I don’t read it all but I see clearly what’s happening. Tammy is just saying there that she would never like someone like Liam and that he is only good publicity.

And this is exactly what I knew it would happen.

“I bet there’s a logic explanation, Liam. You know how they are,” Alex says handing back the phone to Liam.

“Yeah, I bet the magazine twisted her words or something,” Zayn supports and Liam still looks really shocked.

“I told you. I knew this would happen!” I state and everyone turns to glare at me. “I knew Tammy was awful and she was just using you. I knew it! I fucking knew it.” I don’t know why but I get angrier, and angrier, almost as if Tammy had done this to me, which makes no sense. But she has hurt my best mate. She used my best mate! “I knew she wasn’t good for you! All women are the fucking same. I told you! I told you all!” I shout and I meet shocked expressions… until my eyes meet Kay’s and all I see is rage and disappointment.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she spats and if I saw her angry before, this is nothing. This time… this time I’ve really, really made her angry.

Shit.