As I make my way I still feel light-headed and I’m not sure how we managed to pull apart, but I left Kay working on the documentary after I promised I would apologise to the rest. I already found Alex and Niall and I asked them to forgive me for being an arse. My wife, lovely as she is, forgave me immediately. Niall was a bit harder to convince, but things are good now.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do with Kay and what happened. After I walked away she called my name one more time. “Louis,” she said then. “I wasn’t joking. I won’t kiss you again, you’ll have to take the first step.” Then she looked at me over her shoulder. Her hair was even messier and she looked even more beautiful after the kisses we shared. “And I know you will kiss me again… you’ll call me… you’ll ask me to be with you.”

I didn’t say anything and until now, I still don’t know what to say. I can’t exactly say it won’t happen because a big part of me wants Kay and I never know when I’ll be that weak as to grab her in my arms and kiss her again. I know she won’t fight me, on the contrary. And I know she won’t make things easy for me to resist temptation. And now that I’m not blind to her beauty… I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore. So I rather stay silent so I won’t swallow my words later.

Kay also told me I need to apologise to Davide or she’ll make my life a living hell. I believe she can do that and not in a painful and terrible way. I don’t even want to know what she means with that, so I go for the Italian singer after she texted him to come again. I find him near the stage and when he sees me instead of Kay, he loses his smile and he looks weary.

“Hi,” I say awkwardly approaching to him with my shoulders pulled forwards in a very shameful posture. “I— I asked Kay to call you.” I say and he doesn’t reply, but I know he understands.

It’s not going to be easy without Kay to translate for us, but I’ll try. I know he knows a bit of English, he is just not confident to speak out loud in that language. He understands so that’s the important part. I guess I can try to understand a bit if he says something in Italian.

“I— I just wanna say I’m sorry. You were right, I’m a jerk for doing that to my fans,” I go straight to the point. Going around the bushes won’t help anyone here. “And I’m sorry for the things I said. It was a good game,” I concede and he smiles, understanding perfectly what I mean. I smile at him as well.

“Finalmente te ne sei reso conto,”he says and laughs, so I assume it’s not something bad. “Non preoccuparti, ma cerca di non fare più il cretino,” I think he says he has no problem and not to be an idiot again. I think I’m doing great with the Italian. But then he loses his smile and when he speaks again, he speaks in English. “Kay is great, don’t lose her.”

I blink because I can understand what he said there and I don’t know how to answer. She may be great, but she is also so… dangerous in a way. I don’t like to be afraid, I don’t think I could ever feel sure with her. I’d always be jealous every time she meets someone, scared she may want that person more than she wants me.

“I—Kay and I don’t— we don’t—” I mumble and he shakes his head as he chuckles.

“Yes you do,” he says in English again putting his hand on my shoulder. “Solo questione di tempo. It’s just a matter of time,” he adds and I swear I can’t get rid of his words, they haunt me for a long, long period of time.

+ + + + +

We leave Italy the day after we go clubbing with Dave and his band. I must admit, they are really nice lads and we have a great time. I apologise to everyone and they accept my apologies, although Rufio —the first guitarist of Davide— dares me with shots of tequila as a revenge for what I did… and he wins and I get really tipsy. So I ask Harry to take care of me and to not let me get close to Kay because when I’m drunk I’m too weak to resist her, but he is an idiot and of course he pushes me to Kay.

She has this power to make me feel sober once I’m kissing her yet I still don’t care to push her away although I know I should. On the contrary, I end up confessing, “You’ll be the end of me.”

“And you will me mine,” she said when I told her that before I kissed her again. Seriously, I have issues. I just can’t resist her.

But the good news is that I didn’t en up in her room… she ended up in mine. But hey! No, nothing happened. I just… I just didn’t let her go and asked her to stay, but nothing else happened. We both woke up fully dressed, okay? Clear? Good.

So many things happened in Italy and I’m glad we’re back home. And after the football match, although I apologised to everyone, I still try to avoid them. I’m still trying to put my feet on the ground and figure out how to deal with everything from now own. It’s been an eventful first part of the European tour, but we need a break and the lads need to see their girlfriends so they can stop moaning because they miss them. Seriously, they are terrible. I mean they have a whole PDA in the airport, Zayn and Mila, and even Hannah! Although she wasn’t supposed to be here waiting for Harry, but he is delighted that she is here. We can all say that.

“Aw, aren’t they cute? Louis, do you want to do the same? I can pretend I’ve been here waiting for you all this time. I can even cry if you want me, just to make it more dramatic,” Kay offers after we watch Harry and Hannah’s performance but I roll my eyes.

I try to avoid her since what happened in Italy. I just don’t want to, you know, get addicted to her.

“Don’t be stupid,” I tell her just so she doesn’t believe that now because I’ve kissed her a few times, because I asked her to stay with me for the night it means I’ll give in and just take the risk. I can’t.

Smiling at me, Kay replies, “Oh, come on! It’s gonna be cute. We have to win, Louis. We can’t let Harrah win in the PDA! Louis!” I try not to smile when she refers to Harry and Hannah as one single item.

Hannah glares at me and I tense up. I guess she still hasn’t fully forgiven me for hurting Harry long time ago. But I’ve learnt my lesson and I won’t expose my crotch to anyone’s fury.

We all leave on our own, Harry and Hannah being the first ones to leave. Cleary in a rush to be alone. Something tells me that Harry won’t be coming back to the flat this night, so it’s going to be only me. I don’t mind that, I need time to be alone. I need the peace and quiet of home, although it’s not exactly my home and when I arrive at the flat I realise I really miss my flat. That’s my home, I should be there, not just crashing at Harry’s. We lived together once, but it’s not the same.

At the beginning it was too painful to be at my flat because of all the memories that place holds, so I had to move out… but time has passed and I’ve changed. I realised things that I was ignoring before and I wonder, what would I feel if I go back there? Many of my things are still there, all my furniture and even some clothes. I could go there and see… just to try, to see how I feel. Maybe it’s time to go back to my place.

With that in mind, I leave Harry’s flat and drive to my building. It’s not far and when I get there, the caretaker looks surprised to see me again, but he smiles politely and I try to be nice, too. As I wait for the lift to mark the number of my floor, I’m shaking inside. I’m nervous. What if it still hurts to be there? What if I can’t ever come back? Or worse… what if I don’t feel anything? What would that mean?

I open my door with shaky hands and I take a deep breath when I step inside and I as take notice of my surroundings, seeing how everything is the same as I left it and at my mind come all the images… all the memories. They hurt, not as bad as before, but they still hurt.

I see all those moments Eleanor and I shared, all those days when it was only the two of us, being happy. But all those days are over and they will never come back because now Eleanor is with Eric… because she loves him and I’m here, all alone.

You could be with Kay, my inner voice tells me and I sigh, closing my eyes as I walk to the living room and grab a bottle of tequila. I won’t leave yet, I have to be strong.

“I know,” I murmur as I drink the first shot of tequila. “I just can’t.”

You can, my inner voice replies and I sigh deeply. I’m having a conversation with myself… I should go to a mental institution or something. This is not normal.

But it’s true… I could be with her, in fact, I know that if I call her right now she would come. But what would it mean if I call her? It’s not like I’m taking the risk, I just don’t… ugh, I just don’t want to be alone right now whilst I know Eleanor is happy. I don’t want to feel miserable.

I take off my phone and look for her contact. I could call her… just like that. Easy as that and I know she would be here because I’m taking the first step. Should I? Should I really call her? I take another shot and I feel it burning its way down my body, warming me up. But I don’t call Kay until the fifth shot.

“Louis?” she answers and I can feel her confusion and I smile. I can see her in my mind, really surprised because I’m calling her.

“Whatcha doing?” I ask feeling a slightly tipsy. “You busy?”

“No. I’m not,” she replies and I know she is smiling. She knows, oh she knows I’m not fully sober. “What’s going on?”

“May you come to my flat? I— I’m alone here and I don’t want to and everything reminds me of Eleanor but this is my flat, I don’t wanna leave! I need to do something. Please, come.” She doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and I’m afraid I’ve just humiliated myself.

“Do you need me to bring something?” she asks and I smile wide.

“Lemons for more tequila!” I sing happily and she giggles. “I’ll text you the address. I’ll be waiting.”

And I do text her my address and in a matter of fifteen minutes, the caretaker asks me if he should let her walk in and I practically shout at him to let her. When I open my door and she is there, looking so beautiful, so happy, I can’t help but smile widely at her.

“I not only brought lemons, but I brought more alcohol and I have an idea that will make things very differently. This place won’t remind you of Eleanor anymore,” she promises me as I take her wrist and pull her inside.

She puts music really loud and we drink together. Shot after shot, laughing. She makes me tell her things that I remember when we drink a new shot and she tells me that every time I take a shot I have to let go of the memories. But they are still here… and she knows it.

“Come,” she tells me taking my hand and pulling me to the centre of the living room. She goes to her phone and selects a song and I just look at her.

When the songs plays and I recognise it, I can’t help laugh out loud. It’s Really Don’t Care by Demi Lovato and Cher Lloyd. Kay looks at me with a huge grin on her face as she turns up the volume. “Sing!” she urges me but I don’t at the beginning so she takes my hands and sings, urging me to sing.

I end up singing at the top of my lungs… I sing to Eleanor.

“You can take your words and all your lies but oh, oh, oh! I really don’t care!” I’m practically shouting but it feels great and we’re laughing so hard.

Kay dances around the house, in all those places that bring me memories of Eleanor but as I see her dancing, she is all I remember now. She transforms those places and creates new memories.

“Hey Louis, you picked the wrong lover. You should’ve pick me, I’m cuter than the other!” she sings Cher’s rap and I can’t help laughing.

I walk right up to her and taking her by the waist and I pull her against my body, both of us laughing our heads off. I’m sure that next time I walk into this flat I won’t remember Eleanor anymore. And it’s all because of Kay and I’m so grateful that I can’t help it, I bent down and kiss her and she kisses me back, holding on to me with the same passion I kiss her.

Pulling back but still keeping our foreheads together, I say, “Just so you know… we won’t end up having sex tonight.”

“Sure,” she laughs with her hands ruffling my hair. “Whatever you say, Tommo.”

And yeah, she is right at doubting my words because even I know I’m just saying nonsense, because we end up indeed sleeping together that night and I don’t regret a single moment 

-:-:-:-

If you were wondering what I'm gonna write after this... there are many projects. During August I'll post Unwonted, the last bonus book in the series. Unwonted (it's not a misspelling, okay?) retells the story of Backfire from Niall's POV. I'll post that as soon as I finish posting MQ and B&S. After Unwonted, I'll post another Niall Story (Call Me Ella) and an AU Liam story (The Comeback). So keep tuned and follow me, if you don't, to know when those books will be up.

Bel, xx