When I snap at Davide, I hear everyone gasping and Kay glares daggers at me, rage in her chocolate eyes. Of course she would react like that, I’m hurting her new boyfriend’s feeling and that makes me even angrier. Why does she choose him so easily? Uh? What about all those times she told me she wanted me?

“I don’t need your pity. You only won because Niall was distracter!” I shout not caring about anyone else.

“Louis!” Alex scolds me and I look over my shoulder to see how Niall is holding her and looking at me with disappointment. I’ll apologise to him later.

“What? It’s true. If it had been a one-to-one I would’ve won.” I know it would be true… I need to believe it’s true. “This little Italian popstar would’ve never won if it hadn’t been because—”

“Enough!” Kay cuts me off and it makes me so angry that she is angry. “You don’t need to offend anyone here. Grow up, for God’s sake! Dave was trying to be nice, something you don’t know anything about!”

I clench my fists, fighting back the urge to yell at her, hurt because she chose him. “Why do you defend him? Uh? Can’t he talk? I don’t get why you like him, he is just a insignificant wannabe,” I spat between gritted teeth.

Kay breathes in sharply and she is about to say something, but Davide puts his hand on her shoulder and when she looks at him, he says something in Italian and she relaxes, and I hate that. I hate that with a burning passion!

“What? What do you have to say?” I defy him and I see his friends tensing as well, looking at me with disgust. “You’re no one. You’re not even verified!” I know that’s low, but right now I don’t care.

“Idiot,” he says with his thick accent and then he switches to Italian, but Kay translates for him immediately and she is absolutely great, because it feels like he is speaking. “I may not be verified, but I’m certainly not a dick like you. This was just a friendly game but you don’t even know how to take a loss. I may not have millions of followers, but I love all my fans. I do what I love to do because of them and I’ll always be grateful for that. I can live my dream because of them. I saw you the other day at the studio being a complete arse with your fans, those girls crying because they finally could see you and you just ignored them. I would never do that!” he is really mad and although Kay is translating for him, I can almost understand his words in Italian. I feel his emotions in his words. “I love every single one of my fans and I would never take them for granted. I will always remember that they are the reason why I’m where I am right now. You forgot that, you are an arrogant idiot who doesn’t deserve Kay. Because we all know you’re just jealous. If I weren’t seeing someone else already, I would totally love to be the man Kay wants. You’re a humongous moron.”

He stops and we’re both breathing heavily. Kay looks so hurt and she avoids my eyes and I start to feel so insignificant, so stupid. Davide is right, I’ve taken for granted the fans, forgetting that although they have caused me pain, it’s because of them I can do what I love the most: signing. They took my freedom away, but they gave me my dream. And I forgot that just because I couldn’t look past the fact that they are girls.

“If this is what it means to be so famous, I rather stay like this,” he says and there’s no need for Kay to translate, this time he says it in English and there’s so much disappointment in his voice and his thick accent only gives a more dramatic effect.

I feel like a hundred people have slapped me in the face. No, I feel like the whole fandom has slapped me across the face and the pain I feel is only shame for what I’ve done all this time. I— I never should’ve put all women in the same bag. I always knew it was stupid and wrong, but I just didn’t want to blame only Eleanor for what she did. Blaming all women was easier and that’s what I did. But that was wrong and an Italian singer had to come to tell me in the face how much of a twat I’ve been. Someone who doesn’t forget that we owe everything to the fans and it was unfair of me to forget that and only remember the bad things.

I look at Kay and I see so much disappointment in her eyes and when Davide turns around to leave with his friends, she also turns around and walks away before saying goodbye to the Italian team. I stay there, standing alone, without a reply, nor even an apology. Not only Davide and his friends leave, but also my friends… also disappointed in me. But I bet they don’t feel as disappointed as I feel.

I have been a complete arse. All this time. I’ve hated all our friends because they are women. I’ve hated all our fans, although I owe them my dream, just because they are girls. I’ve been a twat to everyone, including a guy that was just trying to be friendly, just because I couldn’t manage my heartbreak and turned everything into anger. And I haven’t handled that well either.

I feel small and insignificant and so ashamed of all I’ve done. Eleanor left me because Eric was better for her, okay, that hurts but I can’t do anything about it now. I didn’t fight for her. I could’ve tried to be better for her, if that’s what I wanted. If I really wanted to be with her, I could’ve fought for her, but I didn’t even try. I just turned everything to hatred. I assumed everyone was the same because I was too hurt to make differences and all this time I’ve hurt the people who really care for me and the people that have brought me where I am.

I should only hate myself.

+ + + + +

I’m not sure of what I’m doing, I just know I have to find Kay. I don’t know what I’m going to tell her or if I’m doing right by going to her first. I feel like I have to apologise with the whole world, but I can’t manage that now. I have to go step by step and I’ve been really awful to Kay these past few days. She didn’t even choose Davide! He is seeing someone else, she was just being nice, like she always is, but I was too scared that she may actually decide I’m not worth it and go with someone who wouldn’t make her go through all the shit I push her into. And I turned that fear into rage. Again. I apparently have a tendency to do that.

I look for her in the venue and I doubt what I’m doing all the time. I stop and turn back, but then I hear my inner voice that yells at me to go after her. I’ll think of what to say when I see her.

I finally find her with Peter in a room and for a few moments, I only look at her, still unsure, still ashamed for what I’ve done. I’m not here to confess my undying love or to tell her we can try something. Kay is still a girl who has been with loads of people, someone who doesn’t have serious relationships. I’m still hurt for what happened with Eleanor. I can’t really trust Kay. I don’t really know her. Kay is too big of a risk and the chances of her finding someone better are too high. I wouldn’t only be competing against the male population, but also against the female one. I can’t take that.

I don’t know what I exactly feel for Kay, I just know I have to apologise for the way I’ve treated her. Not because she is a girl it means I have to be awful with her. At least I can fix that. I can’t give in to what she wants… if she still wants that, but I can’t try to be… nicer to her.

Peter notices me and tells her and when she turns to look at me, I see again that disappointed look and when she turns around, it hurts. So I walk right up to her and Peter says something to excuse himself and leaves, probably sensing that Kay and I need to talk. I’m nervous and I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I don’t stop until I’m next to her.

“I’m busy right now, Louis,” she says avoiding my eyes and trying to pick her MacBook from the table but I stop her. I try to take her wrist, but she shoves me off.

“Kay,” I call but she doesn’t meet my eyes. “Please.”

“Not now,” she cuts me off without meeting my eyes once again. She will leave and I can’t let that happen. I won’t gather the courage again and I need to fix, at least, this now.

I grab Kay’s wrists, both of them, and force her to look at me. She tries to shove me off again, but I don’t let her go and she gives up, sighing deeply when she realises I won’t let her go until she hears me out. I breathe in deeply, trying to think of what to say and it’s rather hard to find the words. I don’t know how to start.

“What?” she urges me this time looking me in the eyes and I gulp. Accepting in my mind that I’ve been wrong is one thing, but saying it out loud is very different one. “If you don’t have anything to say, let me go. I have work to do. I have to edit Zayn’s part and see if I—”

“I’m sorry,” I cut her off and her eyes widen. “For being an arse. Davide is right and I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you all this time,” I finally say and her eyes show her surprise but I slowly see pleasure making its way to her orbs. “And I’m sorry for just saying those things about you and Davide,” I add looking down. I feel my cheeks burning, sheer shame in my very core.

“You’ve been a complete arse,” she says but she is smiling this time. I think she’s forgiven me and I smile, too. It wasn’t that hard, after all. “But I get it. Well, part of it. You were jealous.”

“No, I wasn’t,” I lie. There are limits and I won’t accept out loud that I was jealous. I can’t let her know how she messes with my head and the things she makes me feel because she would push me even more to give in to what is burning between us, but I can’t take that risk. Not now, it’s too soon. And I would be always scared with Kay. I don’t want to be scared.

“Oh, you were beyond jealous. Green of envy,” she purrs stepping closer and I feel my heart racing in my chest. I don’t let go of her wrists, not even when she puts her hands on my chest. “And I know that you want to kiss me now, don’t you?” adds Kay and I can’t help it, my eyes lower to her lips and I gulp because I actually want to kiss her. I always have that desire inside of me, but I’m constantly fighting it, and today it’s no exception.

“No,” I breathe out, almost inaudibly.

Kay laughs because she knows I’m lying. It’s not fair how she seems to see through me so easily, how she seems to know me better than I know myself but I don’t really know anything about her.

“You really, really want to kiss me. And you know what?” she leans closer and I think she will kiss me… and I want her to kiss me, I want it desperately. “I won’t kiss you. I won’t kiss you until you kiss me. That will be your punishment for what you’ve done all this time. If you really wanna kiss me, you’ll have to swallow your pride and take the first step.”

I widen my eyes and she smiles knowingly. She is conscious this is a real punishment, because I really want to kiss her, but I won’t do it because of my pride. I’ve always known that in a moment she would steal a kiss from me and then I can kiss her back and then just pretend it was only her… but now she won’t. I will have to take the first step and later I can only blame myself for that.

“It’ll be hard for me, too, ‘cos I’m dying to kiss you.” Then kiss me!  I scream in my head, leaning a bit closer, putting my forehead against hers. “But I won’t do it. You need to fix that problem. You’ve taken a massive step today, by apologising and realising you’ve been an idiot. You have to apologise to the others, too. Especially to Dave. He was just trying to help, you know? Making you jealous so you could explode and realise this.” So it was all a plan… Kay’s plan to make me realise this.

Kay bumps her nose against mine, her lips so close and I don’t even notice the moment my hands leave her wrist and end up on her back, pressing her against my body.

“I will… apologise…” I mumble biting my lower lip, dying to kiss her.

“Great,” she breathes in and I can feel how much she wants me to kiss her. “Ugh… just… kiss… me.”

Ugh, screw everything. I’ll think of how to deal with this later. Right now, I need to kiss her. And that’s what I do. I close the distance until I crash my lips against hers in a hungry and desperate kiss, because I’ve been dying to kiss her since that day at her hotel room when we arrived at Berlin. I kiss her with all I have, with all this desire it’s been burning inside of me since I walked out her flat after our night together. I kiss her because I want her, although I can’t accept that out loud, although I can’t take the risk to let myself go, although we can’t be together. But at least, I can kiss her. And for now, that’s enough.