“Tommo, that was rather mean,” Niall scolds me when they join me in the van but I just look through the window, watching how the landscape blurs as we drive by. “They only wanted to say hi, you know?”

“I don’t care,” I answer grumpily and I hear them sigh.

I won’t even try to explain things to him because I know they would never understand. I even know I’m not being completely rational but haven’t they done something they are not proud of but it was the only thing they could do? I know that ignoring the fans won’t solve anything, but it will avoid me some pain. Fans think they know me, that because they know every single fact about me they know the person I am, but they can’t understand how I really feel. Plus, when I see them all I see is that the moment a new boy band appears, a new artist with charismatic personality and catchy songs, all them will leave and forget about us. They will go with that someone newer and better. They all say they love us, but that love is not real, that love will fade like everything else.

So excuse me for not wanting to hear how they claim to love me when they will forget about that the moment someone better appears.

It’s already hard to be nice with Alex and I’m really trying there, but I can’t forget and ignore the facts just because it’s rude to ignore the fans. I just can’t deal with them now and if one day they will leave, they can leave now. I don’t care anymore.

Everyone finds someone better.

“Louis!” Harry shouts and only then I realise they’ve been talking to me but I haven’t paid attention. “C’mon, I know you don’t want to be nice, but you could at least sing some photographs just because it’s your job. You just can’t walks past them without even signing one thing.”

“I can. I just did,” I answer and he rolls his eyes, frustration written all over his face.

“You don’t even have to smile, just write your name. That would make them happy,” Zayn adds because Harry has apparently given up.

“Why would I make them happy when they make me go through so much? They make things difficult for all of us, we have to put up with so much horseshit just because of them. Why would I have to be nice to them when they have ruined so many things for us? Like our friendship, Harry. You now it’s not and it will never be the same, no matter how much we try.”

Harry looks at me for the corner of his eyes and I know he sees the truth in my words, but he doesn’t want to accept it. We’ll never be able to have the kind of friendship we had because we’ll always be scared of the fans’ reaction, we’ll always expect some bomb to explode if we ever joke again. We can’t be free because of them. And it’s not only about that! Our families receive hatred because they are our family. Our friends receive hatred because they are our friends. The lads’ girlfriends receive hatred because they are with the lads! And it all comes from the fans. Why would I be nice to those people?

“You have it all wrong,” Niall whispers and he sounds hurt.

“Oh yeah? How? Tell me, because all I see is that because of those same fans you protect, I can’t have a normal life nor I can’t be the person I want to be. I can’t be mad even when I feel awful because I have to smile at them. Why? Uh? If I don’t feel like smiling, I shouldn’t pretend,” I fight and Niall shakes his head.

“And when I thought you were doing better…” Harry mumbles and his words hurt me.

“Better?!” I spat. “I can’t do better because our fucking lives are messed up and because there are things I can’t change, like how people will always leave you when they find someone better.”

I know I’m putting everyone in the same bag and that I’m even insulting them… but I don’t care anymore. There are limits and I reached mine long time ago, and when they push me, I just explode.

+ + + + +

When we’re having dinner, no one speaks to me and I’m fine. I don’t feel like talking to anyone anyway, so they can ignore me if they want. I have better things to do, like enjoying this meal. I don’t know the name of this thing but it’s bloody delicious. Someday I’ll learn French perfectly and I’ll remember the name of this plate.

I hear giggles and when I look at my right, I see Kay and Alex walking together, laughing at something. I want to focus again on my food, but I can’t, my eyes are glued on her. Why does she shine like that? It’s like her whole presence lights up the room and I see people smiling at her and then going back to their business, but she catches everyone’s attention without even trying. She is just like that. Her happiness, her smiles are magnetic and even I feel I bit less gloomy when I see her walking towards our table.

“Babe!” Alex calls taking a seat next to Niall and pecking his cheek. “How was your day?” They start a conversation, ignoring the rest of us and I don’t really pay them attention, my eyes are still on Kay who is smiling at me, brightly, happier than I’ve seen her.

“I love Paris! I really missed this place. Now I remember why I came here to study,” she says taking a seat next to me. That spot was empty because no one wanted to sit next to me. “Did you enjoy your day, Lou?” she asks me, her eyes fixed on me.

“No,” I answer and she pouts and tries to take my hand, but I move it before she can reach it. For a second she loses her smile, but then recovers and acts like nothing has happened.

“Then you have to do something to cheer up. C’mon, you look so gloomy!” Kay insists and I feel the eyes of the lads on us. “You all should go out! Paris is so great, you need to really enjoy it.”

“What do you propose?” Niall asks, smiling but he doesn’t notice how Alex steals food from his plate. Well, he only shares food with her, though. I don’t think he would mind.

Kay starts to think and I look at her for the corner of my eye and I see how her smile changes, I see the mischief in her face and I raise my eyebrows, waiting for this. “There are some good strip clubs here. You should go to see them,” she blurts out and I swear I have to fight the laughter when Alex chokes in the food and almost dies.

Kay is smiling victoriously and I know she was looking for a reaction like that, and I want to laugh but I don’t allow myself to do so.

“I am being serious, though. I can really recommend you one,” she carries on when Alex takes a sip of water but at her words, she spills it all over Niall and I can’t help it this time, I laugh out loud and Kay smiles at me brightly.

“But Mila would get mad at me for not going with her,” Zayn muses and we all look at him with arched eyebrows. “What? She has no problem with that, but she really wants to see one. We’ve talked about this before,” he explains and I chuckle. For some reason, it doesn’t surprise me that Mila is okay with Zayn going to see strippers.

“I don’t think Hannah would like me to go,” Harry states but he doesn’t look much certain about it and for some reason, I find that funny.

“Don’t even think about it, Niall James Horan,” Alex cuts the Irish one before he can say something and he raises his hands in surrender.

“I was going to say I don’t need to go there. Relax, Alex!” she only frowns at him and Niall hugs her to nuzzle his nose in her neck just to prove her he is not interested, but Alex is very ticklish and ends up spazzing due to Niall’s behaviour. “Who wants stripper when I have you?”

“Well, you can go, Lou. You don’t have a girlfriend who would stop you. I can give you the address or even take you there,” Kay tells me, her elbow on the table and her hand cupping her face. She looks fascinated with staring at me. “But if you don’t want to go alone, I can always do a private show for you. I met a stripper here in Paris when I was studying. We became great friends and she taught me many things. And not to show off or anything, but I’m pretty good,” she winks at me and I hear the chuckles of my friends. “She told me I could become a stripper if I wanted, I have the talent. But I’m still going with the film-making industry.”

I can only look at her with eyes wide open, my heart racing in my chest and I try to keep my cheeks clean, but it’s hard, I feel the warmth creeping its way to my face. She smiles at me mischievously, knowing the effect of her words.

“It would be a show only for you, with lap dance if you want,” she adds in a low voice and I gulp, it’s hard to swallow the lump in my throat.

Suddenly, it’s hard to breath and I feel like it’s really hot in here. Did the AC stop working out of the blue or is it just me?

I don’t have problem visualising Kay dancing just for me, taking her clothes off one by one, sensually. Smiling at me and no one else. And I don’t eve doubt she is great at that, I’m sure she is. I’ve seen her dancing, I’ve been with her and I know she is great.

I know what she is doing, what she wants. She wants to break me, she wants me to go to her and give in to what we can have if I let myself follow her game. And a big part of me wants to accept her offer, to enjoy her, but I can’t afford myself to be that weak.

Consequences aside and just being objective, I would love to repeat a night with Kay because it was great. I accept that, as time passes by, I can’t forget how it felt to have her with me for a night and my body wants her again, but I can’t ignore the consequences and the risks. I can’t follow her game, no matter how much my mind tells me it is okay, that I should accept her offer.

With a hoarse voice I answer, “I— I—” I have to clear my throat before going on. “I’m not interested.”

I hear the boys snort and I would glare daggers at them for that reaction, but I can’t break eye contact with Kay. For one second she sighs, almost as if she expected this but she pulls herself together and shrugs.

“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me. The offer is still up.” Kay winks at me and then smiles at everyone else. “Well, I had dinner already, so I shall leave you. I just wanted to say hi and if you want to go clubbing anyways, without strippers included, go to Les Enfers. It’s really good.” Then she looks at me and her smile changes, this one is challenging. “I hope you change your mind,” she whispers and she raises her index and middle finger and kisses them just to touch my lips later and I’m too shocked to react at the beginning.

By the time I realise what she did, she is already dancing her way out of the dining room and I’m still at the table with Harry, Zayn, Niall and Alex… the four of them staring at me with eyes wide open.

“Well, that was blunt,” Alex says and soon her surprised expression changes to an amused one. “And that was so Kay I can’t even.”

“I’m so glad you’re friends with her, Alex,” Niall says and when Alex realises what Niall implies she blushes and smacks his arm. “Oi!”

“Idiot,” she says but she doesn’t sound pissed.

“You know who’s the idiot?” Zayn asks standing up and walking up to me. “This one here.” And then he smacks me on the back of my head. “How could you reject that? You’re a disappointment for the male population.”

“Agreed!” Harry and Niall say at the same time and I look at them surprised.

I try to say something but I stop myself. I’m afraid that if I talk about what happened, I’ll lose the battle against what my body wants and what my conscious says is the right thing to do. It’s already very blurry, I don’t want to take a risk here.

“Whatever,” is all I say and focus on my food again, although my mind goes back to Kay every second and the food starts to seem tasteless.

Damn Kay, how am I supposed to sleep tonight?