When I open my eyes, the headache kills me and my lids burn with the light of the room, but I forget about all that the moment I take notice of my surroundings. This is not my room, this is not my bed and certainly the naked body pressed against mine is not a teddy bear.

What the fuck?

I close my eyes tightly, not moving a single finger, hoping that by when I open my eyes again, I won’t be here, with her next to me. But she is still in my arms, I feel the warmth of her petite body, her breathing in my chest, her heartbeats at my side as her legs are tangled with mine. My arms are still around her and I don’t dare to move, fighting to remember what happened.

I remember meeting Rachel, then Kay leaving with Andy, then loads of alcohol and after that, things get a bit blurry, but I still remember Kay, I still remember kissing her, holding on to her and leaving with her, wanting her liked I’ve never wanted something before. I don’t remember how we got here but I do remember her pushing me against the wall in the lift and kissing me again, then we making our way into her flat, bumping into many things until we ended up in her room.

And the funny thing is… I remember clearly what happened here, in this very room… in this very bed.

Holy shit!

I just had sex with Kay… how did this happen? I wasn’t that drunk!

I start to hyperventilate, my eyes wide open now and I look at her, sleeping against my chest, cuddling next to me and I know she is so naked under the sheets, I feel her skin against mine. Her hair is falling loosely around her features, tingling in my own chest, just like her breathing, and her right arm is over my stomach, keeping me close to her.

She looks… she looks so beautiful that for a moment I hold my breath, until realisation hits me and panic raises inside of me.

“Please,” she says ever so softly, a mere whisper. “Don’t leave yet. I know what you’re thinking, I know what you want to do. Just don’t leave yet.”

And I thought she was sleeping.

“For five minutes forget everything. Forget what happened, what will happen and anything else. Forget everything and stay. Five minutes, that’s all I’m asking for.” Then she looks up at me, her warm chocolate eyes meeting mine as her hand rises to cup my face. “Just enjoy this moment for five minutes.”

I don’t know what to do, but her touch is soothing and somehow, it helps me to relax. My heartbeats slow down, my breathing evens and I don’t feel like running away anymore. And she notices that because she smiles at me, sweetly and adorably, then she moves until she can reach my lips and kisses me softly. I don’t know why, but I kiss her back. But this is not a rough kiss, I don’t feel that desperate hunger, yet I enjoy the kiss at the same level, the sweetness and tenderness of this encounter. And as her lips meet mine in a slow dance, I forget about everything and it’s not hard. Nothing else is in my mind but the taste of her lips.

Kay pulls back but she smiles at me before she cuddles in my chest again, hugging me tightly.

“I never like when they leave, even more when they don’t say anything and just disappear. When they make you believe you mean something to them then they are just gone. I know you’re gonna leave and pretend this never happened, but at least… say goodbye.”

I’m not sure why she is telling me these things, but I do understand one thing and that’s that she’s been with many others before me. But, apparently, those stories haven’t had a happy ending. Yet here she is, still trying with me despite everything that has happened to her.

“Kay,” I mumble and she only looks up at me. “Why do you care and insist so much?” I ask because that’s been nagging me lately, since I talked to my mum.

I know she cares… okay, she has proved that to me. I just don’t understand why she cares and what she wants from me.

“I won’t lie to you, Lou. I don’t really know why I can’t give up on you, I just can’t. I know I never met the old you, but I’ve seen glimpses and I really want to help you. I like you, very much, and I want you to be happy. That’s all I know,” she answers but weariness grows inside me.

Can I believe her? Can I really believe that she only wants me to be happy?

“What do you want from me, Kay?” I ask, trying to make sense in my head, but it’s so hard.

“I want you to be you and stop hiding what you really are.” Kay cups my face again, her eyes intently on me. “I want you to be like this all the time, without having to get drunk to stop fighting yourself.”

“Then why did you say you would make me fall in love with you?” That question has been in my mind since the beginning.

She smiles and shakes her head slightly before answering. “At first I thought that you only needed a rebound, and I was willing to be yours. That’s why I said that, meaning I was only going to make you have fun with me, forget about what happened and move on.” She stops and pecks my lips again. “But now I know you don’t need that, do you? All you need is to be enough for someone.” Her words hit me, like slaps across my face, one before the other. “Lou, maybe you’re enough for someone already but you just haven’t noticed it, yet.”

I take a deep breath and I tense, and when she feels that, she sighs. And then, she pulls always.

“It’s okay, you can leave. You just need to know one thing, Lou,” She says grabbing the sheet to cover herself. “You may want to forget what happened last night, but I won’t. And I’ll do my best so you won’t either.” Kay winks, her amused smile back on her face as she leaves the bed and the room, the sheet falling around her, making her look like a Greek goddess.

And I’m left in the room, alone, with all the words echoing in my mind and it takes me a few minutes to pull myself together. I leave the room, I leave her flat before my own thoughts drown me. My mind is clouded, I’m not aware what happens around me until I get home and it’s a miracle I didn’t kill myself because I’m not even sure how I got here.

+ + + + +

Today we have a meeting as we are leaving for the rest of the European tour tomorrow, so we have to discuss some last minute issues. I almost forget about this meeting and I’m already forty minutes late, although Liam is not here. However, when I step into the meeting room, Harry and Zayn are laughing at a very blushed Niall.

“What happened?” I ask, trying to look casual, like I’m not hiding anything.

My head still hurts, but I’ve taken some pills and drank all the water in the world. Okay, maybe not that much, but I have drunk loads of water. Just following Kay’s advice from the other time when I got drunk, too. That time was worse than last night. Still, this time I did something I never thought I would do. What would the guys think if the knew I slept with Kay last night?

The lads look at me, smiling brightly before they burst out laughing. “Niall got laid last night and he couldn’t hide it. You should’ve seen him when he got here!” Harry laughs like a five-year-old.

“We mocked him about it and he turned tomato red! It was so funny! Poor Niall, he shines after he gets laid.” Zayn laughs and Niall looks so mortified, poor lad.

I feel uncomfortable myself, just thinking that I got laid, too, last night, but I can’t let them know this happened. So I look away, avoiding their eyes but laughing as well, although it doesn’t sound naturally.

“And talking about getting laid,” Harry starts. “If you hate all women, when are you gonna have sex? Are you gonna be celibate for the rest of your life?” he asks and now I feel my cheeks burning.

“That’s true,” Zayn makes his input, looking very serious this time. “A man has needs, you know. Can you really live the rest of your life without having sex?” he asks next and even Niall now looks interested.

“You and your hand doesn’t count,” the Irish one hurries to add and I groan. If they only knew…

I still can’t believe what happened and how vivid the memories are. As time passes, everything is clearer in my head and sometimes the scenes that play in my mind take my breath away. When I left Kay’s flat, she was in the shower and I couldn’t actually say goodbye, but she knew I was leaving. She allowed me to.

All her words still echo in my head and I have to fight hard to keep them at bay, which only gives me a worse headache.

“I don’t think you should worry about that. It’s my problem,” I say and for the corner of my eye I see them arching they eyebrows.

“I’m sure Kay wouldn’t mind… after last night,” Zayn says and my eyes shoot wide open at his words. The three of them burst out laughing. “Yup, we all saw you last night snogging with her. After that you two disappeared. Did something happen?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows in a very suggestive way.

“Kay and I?” I spat, maybe with a too high tone. “Never! Don’t say bullshit. It’s too early for that,” I state, sure to sound very bitter so they can’t doubt me. “Now, when is this meeting going to start?”

“Wow, someone is crankier than usual,” Harry comments, although in his eyes there’s a spark of mischief. “By the way, where did you spend the night?”

“Somewhere you don’t care about, so let’s drop this subject. I don’t ask you where you sleep every night, do I?” I spat and Harry raises both hands in surrender, though he keeps that smile on his face.

“Fine. Truce, okay?” I just roll my eyes and get comfortable in the seat.

“Where’s the rest? I thought I was late,” I point out just to change subject and this time, they allow it.

“You are, but Liam is MIA, so Management decided to give us an extra hour. We’ve tried to call Liam, but he doesn’t pick up the phone. He hasn’t texted either. He just left last night, without a word,” Zayn answers this time and his eyes show concern. “Do you know anything?”

I shake my head. Until a little while, I wasn’t part of this world. I didn’t even know Liam was MIA. I hope he is okay.

I take my phone out of my pocket, just to check if Liam has sent something, but instead of finding a text from him, I find one from Kay.

Do you relive what happened last night over and over again or it’s just me? — Kay x

I delete the message immediately, pretending I never saw it. Apparently she wasn’t joking when she said she wouldn’t let me forget what happened. And right after that, another comes:

I still feel your hands on my skin… I miss you, babe —Kay x

And as I delete that one too, as a call from the gods to forget all about this, we all receive a text at the same time, so even without looking, I know it’s Liam.

I’m with Tammy. Something happened, she needs me. can’t be there. Sorry. see U soon. —Liam

What? Liam is with Tammy? What happened last night? Was the night of impossible? As Alex would say: are you shitting me?