The days before we have to play our last gig from this part of the tour are quite awful to me, so I look for shelter at home. Mum doesn’t ask me anything, she doesn’t bug me, she gives me the space I need. She knows that I’ll talk to her when I’m ready to, but that’s not now yet. I’m still confused, I’m still trying to figure things out and fighting the memory of Kay in my mind.

Mum knows things are not okay with me, probably she understands better than any other why I’m feeling like this. She saw something similar when I was younger, when Dad left. I also felt like I wasn’t enough and that’s why he couldn’t stay with us, I also shut down for a long time and I couldn’t trust people, but so many things started to happen, I met people and started to do new things and without even noticing, I had moved on. I guess that’s why Mum knows I just need time, that eventually I’ll get over all this and maybe I’ll even stop hating on almost all the female population.

“How are you feeling today?” Mum asks walking slowly into my room with a tray with breakfast. Next to her is one of my sisters, Daisy, one of my youngest sisters.

“I’m better,” I answer as I sit straight on my bed. “Thanks for the breakfast, Mum,” I add and she smiles at me brightly.

“It’s my pleasure. It’s so weird when you visit us for more than a day that all I want is to pamper you all day!” I chuckle and cringe at the same time. Mum is overly affectionate today. “So, do you want to talk today?” she asks carefully while Daisy jumps next to my side and starts picking food from my plate.

I sigh heavily and take a sip of my tea. Just the way I like it, Mum makes it perfect. “I’m not sure what to say.”

Mum smiles and strokes my hair like she used to do it when I was a kid. “Who is she?” she asks and my eyes widen in shock. “Remember that you are my son, I know you since you were in my belly.”

“That sounds creepy, Mum,” I tell her and she chuckles ruffling my hair again. I sigh deeply. Could Mum help me to understand Kay? She is a woman, after all. “Her name is Kay, she is making the documentary for this DVD,” I start telling her not worrying that Daisy is there, she won’t go tell the papers. “She is— well, she is driving me crazy.”

Mum smiles though I don’t understand why. I’m not saying nice things! “You can’t stop thinking of her, can you?” she asks and I look down.

“I just don’t understand her. She says to Grimmy that I’m just a challenge, I’m her project. But then she tells me that she cares about me, too much. Why?”

“Well, maybe she does care, but she doesn’t want to accept it to others. People tend to do that, don’t they?” she says and I furrow my eyebrows, pondering. I think she is right… we have hard time accepting when we care about someone else. “Does she show you she cares?”

I have to think of all the things she’s done since I met her. How she always comes back to me, always teasing me, pushing my buttons, fighting my walls. She does not give up, no matter what I do, she is always fighting. Does that prove she cares?

“I… I dunno.” At my mind come the memories of her taking care of me when Mila kicked me in the balls, or when I got drunk and she took me to the hotel, and how she looked after me when I woke up. “I— I guess she does.”

Mum smiles again and kisses my cheek. “Maybe you should try to give her a chance to tell you why she cares. And what does she want from you?”

This is a tricky question. Does she want to help me? To make me fall in love with her? To make everything worse? To break my heart?

“I don’t know,” I answer in all honesty.

“Well, there you have it. Maybe you should let her tell you what she wants and things wouldn’t be as complicated as they are. Don’t you think, sweetie?”

I blink a couple of times. When she says it, it sounds so easy. But can I do that? Things are a bit awkward and weird between us. Maybe she gave up after that kiss, maybe she won’t try anymore. But I guess there’s only one way to know it… talking to her.

Well, I’m not that eager for that moment.

“Thanks, Mum,” I say and she smiles brightly.

“My pleasure, sweetie. Now eat your breakfast. Daisy, let’s go!”

I smile as both leave my room and I’m alone with my food. I guess I have plans for when I go back to London.

+ + + + +

Our last gig in the O2 Arena goes great. We have fun, we make everyone scream and dance and we end up so pumped up that we could do anything. I live for these moments, for the feelings I get when I’m on stage. Everything is different, everything loses meaning yet at the same time I see everything so clear I can’t even describe it.

And I’m so excited for the rest of the tour! Europe, here we go!

When we’re backstage after the gig is over, everyone is cheering and jumping. This is the third time we do this, yet it never gets old. I can definitely do this all my life. I love tours.

“We have to celebrate!” Andy, Liam’s friend, suggests and we all chorus in agreement. “I mean, finishing with the UK part is pretty amazing! And I happen to know the perfect place to go now.”

I look at my right and I see her laughing, close to Alex, Belle and Phebs. She feels my eyes on her because she meets my gaze and gives me a small and shy smile. I haven’t talked to her since we came back although I decided I should… yet I can’t bring myself to approach her. I keep avoiding her like a real man would do. I look away because I don’t want her to approach me now. Kay hasn’t exactly tried to talk to me either but she doesn’t avoid me… she is just, I don’t know, giving me space maybe?

After that we shower and change and we —the lads, Andy, Ed, Dan, Lucas, Alex, Belle, Phebs, Mila, Moni, Hannah and Savannah— leave in different cars, following Andy and Liam. We get to this humongous place that it’s rather crowded. People dancing and drinking everywhere, but it has great music and the lights don’t make you dizzy like in other clubs. The bar is large and with many bartenders. Some people recognise us, but most of them don’t even give us a second glimpse, which is cool, it allows us to be at ease.

We, as usual, divide and I would go with Harry, but he is with Hannah and that’s awkward most of the time. Plus, she hasn’t fully forgiven me for what I told Harry. So I go with Liam and Andy, as they are the only single guys of the group. But I regret my choice the moment I join them just to hear their conversation.

“Do you think she would say yes?” I hear Andy saying and as I am a very curious person, I have to ask.

“Who?”

Andy looks at me with a cheeky grin and then his eyes go in another direction. I follow it and I find Kay laughing with Savannah at I don’t know what. “Kay,” Andy answers. “She is fit and so funny.”

I feel my face falling when I hear his words and something roars inside me, but I shut it down. “Man, don’t go after her. She is only a pain in the arse,” I tell him and I feel the intrigued look of Liam on me. “Save yourself.”

Andy laughs but I’m being serious. “I don’t want her to be my girlfriend. I just want to have fun and she doesn’t seem the serious type either.”

The fact that he doesn’t take her seriously pisses me off, but I try to deny that and fight it. “There are plenty of other girls. Not Kay,” I state, and Liam’s eyebrows arch in surprise whereas Andy looks confused.

As if my words have summoned her, I hear her voice at my back, louder than usual just so we can hear her above the noise of the club. “Not me what?” she asks and I feel her hand sliding down my arm, like she hasn’t done in a while already. She doesn’t take my hand, though, and I’m sure that two weeks ago she would’ve done that.

“Louis says I can’t ask you to dance with me. Isn’t he being selfish?” Andy tells her very flirtatiously and I clench my fists.

“Aw, babe, you don’t want to share. Aren’t you lovely? I like when you’re possessive,” she teases and I meet her eyes, just to see her cheeky smile again, the sparkle in her eyes. “Does that mean that you want to dan— Rachel?” she cuts herself off, her eyes lost in another spot in the club. I follow her gaze and I find a girl, tall, dirty blond hair, skinny, almost with a boyish body. She is staring at Kay as well, her eyes wide in shock.

This girl, Rachel I presume, starts walking towards us and Kay leaves my side, just to go to her encounter and once they are face to face, their grins are huge and they melt in a tight embrace. I have no idea who this girl is. Liam, Andy and I eye them with curious expressions in our faces while the two girls are still hugging. “It’s been so long! I never thought I was gonna see you again!” Rachel exclaims, finally pulling back from Kay. They are talking very loudly.

“Me neither! You look so beautiful!” Kay compliments and Rachel’s smile is nothing but heart-warming.

“So do you! Gorgeous as usual. Anyways, are you gonna introduce me to your friends over there?” Rachel asks eying in our direction and Kay nods enthusiastically, taking her hand and tangling their fingers together and then turning to look at us.

“Rachel, these are Andy, Liam and Louis. The two over here,” —Kay motions at Liam and I— “are in this band called One Direction. I’m making their documentary as my thesis project.”

Rachel looks at Kay with nothing but pride in her eyes. I wonder what kind of relationship they have.

“Guys, this is Rachel. She is my ex girlfriend,” Kay says as if she is just taking of the weather.

Liam, Andy and I widen our eyes in surprise and both girls giggle, as if they are used to this reaction. “Yes, as in a relationship kind of girlfriend. We were together for a few months before she went to Paris to study. We couldn’t do the whole long distance thing so we broke up before things would get ugly,” Rachel explains and I blink, still processing the words.

“Are you… are you lesbians?” Andy asks as shocked as I am.

“I am,” Rachel says with a smile.

I look at Kay, confused. If she is lesbian… why did she try all those things with me? Why did she kiss me and say she would make me fall in love with her if she doesn’t even like guys?

“I’m bisexual,” Kay says and I feel my mouth hanging open. “Do you have a problem with that, Louis?”