After what happened… after that kiss, I don’t know what to think or do. The guys notice there’s something odd with me and they ask whether everything is fine a couple of times during our ride back to London, but I can’t answer. I can’t even utter a single word. I can only think of that moment, the way I reacted to Kay, how I held her, how I felt her, how she tasted… that scene plays over and over again in my mind and my own heart races and I’m afraid my cheeks are blushed. I just can’t even control my body anymore!

But it’s not only that… it’s all what she told me and the way she said it. There was pain in her eyes, signs of a past that left scars but she is so strong now, she doesn’t hate everyone for the things she had to go through. How is that even possible? How can she trust again after the things she told me? Someone cheating on her, being humiliated in public, someone making a bet about her, someone just playing with her feelings… how can she handle it?

“You had it nicely,” she said before leaving and those words can’t leave me alone. I hear them repeatedly in my head and I start to feel ashamed.

When I contrast my experience to the little glimpses she allowed me to see… I feel like she is right and I’m just a moron for reacting this way. I know this is my way to handle the pain and the disappointment, I know that we’re all so different, but I feel small and insignificant when I’ve treated everyone so awfully whereas she is nice and still hopeful. How is that possible? How can she be so strong? Why can’t I be that strong?

And what if I’ve been wrong all this time? What if hating on every woman is not the right answer and it’s just the easiest? I know it’s a piece of cake to hate every single woman and avoid any risk to get hurt again, but am I doing the right thing by acting this way? I know I’m hurting my friends, those that have done nothing to hurt me… but I— I just— I—

I sigh, confused and exhausted.

I don’t understand Kay, but I don’t know if I can face her and ask her to explain herself to me. Maybe she can tell me how she manages not to hate everyone when that would be so easy. How can she not be bitter when she’s been hurt like that?

“You okay, Lou?” Liam asks and I have to shake my head to come back to reality when I’ve been too lost in my own thoughts. “You’ve been zoning out all this time.”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I reply but my traitorous mind plays that scene between Kay and I again, and I can almost feel her against my body.

Why can’t I stop thinking of that kiss? It means nothing!

Liam stares at me for a while, pondering whether to believe me or not, and at the end he sighs and focuses on his laptop again. Niall and Harry are playing FIFA and Zayn is reading a book, probably one that Mila lent him. She, as the other girls, is in the same bus as Alex and Kay —one of the crew buses— because they refused to go with us… I wonder if that has something to do with me. Most likely.

“You and Kay are a couple of weirdoes. No one says anything!” he complains and I jerk at the mention of her name, almost expecting to see her in front of me, summoned by Liam’s words. But she is not and I try to tell myself that I’m not disappointed.

I wonder what would’ve happened if she hadn’t pushed me away. Would I’ve kissed her again? Would I’ve been able to stop? For some reason, I’m scared to follow that train of thought.

“And there you go again, zoning out. Mate, get a grip,” Liam tells me and I rub my eyes, forcing myself to stay here, with my band mates.

“I’m sorry,” I say and Liam’s head snaps in my direction. Maybe it’s my tone, maybe it’s the way I say it, I don’t know, but he seems surprised with that short sentence. “I just have a lot in my mind right now.”

Liam doesn’t say anything and I can’t know what he is thinking, but something in his eyes tells me it’s good. He looks happy, excited.

“You sound like the old you… almost.” It’s not a complaint, it’s not a question, it’s a fact and I’m surprised again.

When was the last time I apologised for something as simple as not paying attention? Yesterday I would’ve told them to leave me alone and to fuck off… today I apologise. Is this Kay’s doing somehow?

“I—” I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. “I’ll go take a nap. I don’t feel quite well after all,” I say before my head explodes with so much thinking. I just pray that no dreams will haunt me this time.

But of course, that’s too much to ask for.

+ + + + +

When we finally arrive to London I’m exhausted. I didn’t sleep at all, I just lay restlessly on my bed, trying to fall asleep but every time I closed my eyes, Kay came running to my mind, tormenting me with the memory of that kiss. Why did I kiss her back? Was it because of the frenzy of the fight? Was it because I felt sorry for the things she went through and I ignored? Or was it because I wanted to? Because since she first kissed me this is all I’ve wanted to do?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! The annoying voice says in my head and I groan, leaving my bed as I shake my head, trying to get rid of that part of me that’s becoming louder and louder every day. You want to shut me up ‘cos you don’t want to hear the truth.

What truth? I don’t feel anything for her; I don’t like her, not at all. I don’t even know why I came up with that option to start with. It’s absurd. Something else happened, that’s why I kissed her back. There must be a sensible reason, I just can’t find it yet.

When I leave the bus —and I’m the last one— and look around I see Kay, and I’m not sure if she feels my gaze on her or something, but she turns around and her eyes meet mine and for a second I see her confused, troubled, but then she pulls herself together and turns back, ignoring me. No cheeky smile, no sassy comment, no anything. She ignores me… like I’ve been asking her to do since I met her, but I’m not happy.

For a moment I feel the urge to go after her and make her tell me what happened so I can understand. Maybe she knows. And maybe she can tell me in full detail what happened in her past, what she meant with all those things she said. I want her to explain to me why she acts so happy, how she can smile like that, so honestly and brightly when things like that have happened to her.

How do people recover when they break your heart?

I remember Alex when we met her, how she had just broken up with her boyfriend after she found him with another girl. Despite that, she never blamed us all for what happened, she never said ‘all men are the same’ although she had had only bad relationships.

Is it because they are girls? Are girls better at handling these sorts of things?

My head hurts again due to all the thinking and I have to close my eyes tightly to recover. By the time I open them again Kay is nowhere to be seen and I’m still standing on the same spot, with my head spinning.

I’m afraid I’ve been wrong all this time, that I’ve been in the wrong path when there was a better way to go. Maybe there was another way to face the pain and disappointment, maybe I didn’t have to blame everyone, although that was the easiest thing to do, to shut out everyone so no one would have the chance to hurt me that way again. But maybe there was another way and I never wanted to see it. The way that Kay faced things, or even how Alex did. Maybe I didn’t have to assume that everyone would think I’m not good enough and look for someone better.

And what if I’ve been wrong? How do I make amends for all the pain I have caused? How do I change paths now? How, after all this time?

My hands fly to my head, ruffling my hair as I break my skull trying to figure something out but I can’t see things clear. Everything is so confusing, everything is moving and changing in front of my eyes although I know nothing has moved.

“Lou, you okay?” I hear a feminine voice and I jerk, a little scared. My eyes fly and meet green ones that belong only to Alex. She looks concerned and her hand is stuck in the air, trying to reach me but reluctant to give the next step.

I don’t move, I can only look at her. She never blamed us… she never blamed me despite what Marcus did to her. She befriended us and was always nice. She tried not to fall in love, yes, but she never said something mean to us. How did she do that? How did she avoid making generalisations when these are easier to make?

“How did you do it?” I ask, desperation clear in my voice and Alex looks so confused.

The green-eyed girl finally reaches to touch me, her hand still dubious on my shoulder and I don’t shove her off this time. “What are you talking about?”

“When Marcus did that to you… how did you do it to not to hate us all? How? I don’t understand. Despite everything, you never blamed us all.”

It takes her a few moments to understand and follow my train of thought and when she does, her eyes widen in surprise but then a little smile crosses her face. “Because blaming every man on Earth won’t make me feel better, it will only make me unhappy and resentful. Blaming everyone for what one did only makes things worse. Not giving other the benefit of doubt is just cruel because we’re all different. As you, there’s no other Louis Tomlinson in the world, and I can’t assume you’re like Marcus because you’re not him. That’s why it’s not okay to think we’re all gonna do what Eleanor did, because we’re not her, we don’t feel, we don’t think the same way.”

I breathe heavily, trying to understand what she says and I find reason in her words, but I can’t accept them. Maybe I’m too weak, maybe I’m a coward and I’ll never be as strong as she is. Yes, I’m ashamed but just thinking of trusting someone like that again terrifies me. I don’t want to feel like that again, I don’t want some other person to feel I’m not enough and leave me. Because I’m not… I’ve never been enough. Since I was a kid… I’ve never been enough for anyone.

I can’t answer to Alex, so I just shake my head, turn around and leave her there. I rush away from the bus, trying to find a way out of this place. I just want to be home. I want to be alone and try to forget all of this is happening.

I’m so focused on my own screaming thoughts that I don’t actually see where I’m going and I end up bumping into someone. My arms instinctively wrap around the person, holding. It’s a small body, a small waist and for some reason, it feels familiar. I focus and I realise I have her in my arms, pressed against my chest and inside my ribcage my heart races. My eyes lock with hers and I don’t loosen the grip around her waist and her hands on my chest don’t try to push me, she is staring at me, as well.

I remember the scene in the bus, the way I kissed her, the way she kissed me and for a second I feel the urge to lower my head and capture her lips again, but I don’t move.

I hate the effect that kiss has brought upon me, how it has confused me, how it has made everything so blurry when before that everything was clear, when I knew what I was doing.

“What did you do to me?” I whisper and she looks confused. She is about to say something but I pull back and walk past her, leaving her behind with whatever she had to say in her lips, the lips I kissed and that I can’t seem to be able to forget.

Damn you, Kay.