Have you had one of those nights when you pray to all the gods you know of that they let you sleep and forget everything? When you beg for a dreamless night but they are fucking arses who don’t care a single bit about you and they just torment you with the worst dreams you could ever imagine?

Yeah, fuck you, Morpheus.

After what happened with the cups and Kay, I just want to have a night where no one can bother me, where I can be alone. I don’t even care that Harry drove the pink car around Manchester with Barbie Girl blasting out loud and that Kay got everything recorded and he was even in the news. I don’t care that Alex comes with food for me. She even made cupcakes with ‘I Hate Women’ decoration.

I just wanted to forget everything and everyone. But maybe Morpheus is a woman and made me dream of Eleanor and Kay the whole night. Or he is just a sick bastard. By when I wake up, Kay is in my mind, her desperate look begging me to understand. To understand what? I already know she doesn’t care, no matter what she says, I know better.

But then I remember the way she yelled at me, telling me that she cares. This morning, when I’m so tired, I almost start doubting it. Could she care for me? Could it be that she says the truth and I’m not a challenge anymore? She didn’t deny that she saw me as a challenge at one point, but could it be true that it’s not like that anymore? How can I know? I just can’t trust her, I need evidence.

She took care of you yesterday. When you lost it, she held you and made you came back. Isn’t that proof enough? That annoying voice in my head says. Why am I not seeing a therapist?

I don’t answer that voice —mostly because that would mean I’m talking to myself and I haven’t reached that limit yet— and I get up, stumbling to the bathroom and determined to avoid everyone today. As usual. Plus, Liam just had a date with Tammy yesterday. Did he go mental, too? Luckily, they left so we’re safe from Prodigy.

When I see my reflection in the mirror I cringe. Dark bags under my eyes, I’ve lost weight and I don’t look like my old self. I haven’t really paid attention to my reflection in so long, disgusted at myself for not being enough. But today I dare look at myself and I hate what I see. How did I end up like this? When did this happen? No wonder Eleanor left me. Why she wouldn’t want to be with me.

And this makes me think of Kay again. Why would she like someone like me? Someone who looks this— this dead? It makes no sense and my head starts hurting again! And it’s all her fault!

Groaning, I look away and take a shower to get ready and leave my room made a mess as usual. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. Today is our last day in Manchester —God bless this day!— and we go back to London to play the last gigs from the UK-Ireland part of the tour before heading to the rest of Europe. And that makes me excited.

When I leave my room and go to the dining room I find everyone, and by everyone I mean the lads and their girlfriends and the rest of the crew, including the band. Mila, Hannah, Phebs, Belle and Savannah are there —Moni is not, maybe she left with Ed— in the same table as Liam, Harry, Zayn and Niall. I look around, prepared to avoid Kay but she is not in the same room. Still, when they see me coming everyone’s eyes are on me, watching me carefully and I feel very awkward. Yeah, they probably know about what happened yesterday, how I completely lost it. I know Harry came to my room at night, wanting to talk but I just ignored him… and everyone else.

I try to behave like nothing is happening, like it’s just a normal day. To make things as less awkward as possible, I sit with our band, grateful that Josh doesn’t ask me anything but what I want for breakfast. But then Kay walks in and I have to look at her when I see the expression in our drummer’s face. The concern. And I know why he does that, because when I look at the blonde girl, she is not the same. It’s like that sparkle she always carries around has vanished, she walks looking at the floor and she is not smiling, she is not dancing her way. She doesn’t talk to anyone, she just grabs a coffee and when she looks in my direction, I see an expression pretty similar to mine when I saw myself in the mirror.

 I have a lump in my throat when I see her like that and something stirs inside, pushing me to go to her, asking her if she is all right. But that’s stupid, I don’t care about her. Like she doesn’t care about me, I don’t care about her. We’re even. Yet still, I feel that urge to leave my seat to go to her table, where she is alone.

I can’t handle this, these feelings inside that make me angry, angrier than usual. I can’t act cold, I can’t ignore her. My eyes are on her even if she is not looking at me anymore and that makes me furious at myself. Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I ignore these things inside of me?

Without saying a thing, I leave the dining room with a muffin in my hand, but I’m not hungry anymore, I’m just mad and disgusted at myself because it almost looks like I care and I don’t. I don’t. I don’t!

I don’t know where I’m going, I just know that I end up in our bus and that’s okay. I know we’re leaving in a few hours and I can wait here while the boys spend a bit more time with their girlfriends before we head to London again. I go to my bunk and hide my face under the pillow, fighting in my mind, pushing away the image of Kay looking like that. Why is she like that? Why does she look so miserable? It can’t be for what happened yesterday. She doesn’t care, she shouldn’t react at what happened.

I hear the door opening and I groan. I’m not in the mood for anyone and if it’s Harry I will smack him for not understanding I want to be left alone. But it’s not Harry and when I hear that voice, I freeze.

“Louis,” she says and I hate myself for recognising her so easily. This shouldn’t be like this. Why can’t I control myself? “We need to talk. I just— I just can’t let you believe that I don’t care.”

And I explode again. “You don’t care!” I spat at her, almost jumping on my bed, glaring daggers at her, breathing heavily. I hate that she insists on coming to me, on pushing my buttons, on prying in my life. I hate her! “Stop trying to make me believe you do because I know you don’t! You think you know what I’m feeling, but you don’t! No one fucking knows what I’m feeling.” I stand up and take a step closer, rage making my muscles hurt. Kay doesn’t retract. “You only think I’m a broken toy you can fix but you can’t! Accept that once and for all, you stupid girl!” I scream at the top of my lungs and I see her expression hardening, I see her clenching her fists.

“You think I don’t know… you think you’re the only one hurt but flash news for you, fucker!” she screams and I’m surprised. She sounds as angry as I am. “We’ve all been hurt at least once! We’ve all been broken. We’ve all been played. Some of us have had it worse, you moron!”

She pushes me hardly and my back bumps against the bunks. Why are we arguing in such a small place?

“You think you had it bad because she fell in love with someone else. At least she had the decency of telling you instead of cheating on you! At least she didn’t play with you! At least you weren’t a fucking bet! At least you didn’t end up in the school’s website as a slut! At least she respected you until the very end. You think what you had to go through was bad? You don’t know anything!” Kay punches me in the chest and although it doesn’t really hurt, I know she is dead furious.

“You don’t understand! How can you understand what’s not to be enough for someone you love? That they leave you because they find someone better?” I snap and she pushes me again, my back bumping against the bunks again, hurting this time.

“I DO FUCKING KNOW, YOU JACKASS!” she screams and for the first time I see tears in her eyes and that stops me from shouting back. “Argh! Of course I know! It happened to me many times. But you know what happened to me, too? I found him in the bed with her and you know what he told me when I did? ‘You couldn’t give me what I wanted’. That’s what the fucking douchbag told me! Of course I know about not being enough but I never let that stop me or change me! I wasn’t enough for them but I was enough for others and that was enough for me!”

She hits me in the chest again, over and over again and it was starting to hurt now.

“You have so many people who care about you. You have friends! I never had friends! Why are you hurting them because you weren’t enough for her? You’re enough for all your friends and you are hurting them with all this bullshit!” she shouts and hits me really, really hard.

I grab her wrists and stop her from punching me more, but she fights me so I end up pushing her against the other bunks, my body pressing against her just to stop her. Tears are running down her flushed cheeks and she is breathing heavily —just like me—, her chocolate eyes hard on me and I don’t have time to process what she has told me. I can’t even begin to compute her story, the bits she shared, because before I realise what it’s happening, she is kissing me.

And I kiss her back, with the same frantic necessity I feel in her. I let go of her wrists and she hugs me, hanging from my neck as I wrap my arms around her small waist I pull her closer and closer, almost crushing her in this embrace. Her hands are on my hair, messing with it as she keeps kissing me, biting my lips, letting me know how desperate this kiss is. I don’t know what possessed me but I can’t let her go, I kiss her, feeling I’m going crazy in this sensation, in this moment. I can’t have enough, I need more and more and more…

I push her against a surface, I don’t know what. I hold her against with my body, my hands going up and down her back, stroking her waist with rough caresses and I try to regain control, but I can’t. I can’t reach that part of me that would make me stop. I’m lost in the lust of this moment and I couldn’t care less.

Without leaving my lips, Kay pushes me against the bunks and her hands slide down my shoulders to my chest and my abs and I swear I think for a moment she’ll take my tank top off, but instead of that, she pulls apart, her hands still on my torso and she looks at me.

Her eyes are darker, her lips shining and swollen, her cheeks blushed in an adorable pink colour and she is breathing with more difficulty than before. I don’t say anything, I just can look at her, with her messy blond hair, with her lips parting to help bring air to her lungs, with her petite frame just a feet away from me and I’m about to lean in to grab her in my arms again, to kiss her senseless again but she stops me with her hands on my chest.

“You had it nicely,” she says between breaths and I try to get to her again but she pushes me and turns around before I can reach her, leaving the bus with me inside, confused and astounded.

What— What did just happen here? Did I just kiss Kay? Did I just get drunk in her taste, in the way her body felt against mine? Did this really happen? And worse of all, did she just share part of her past with me?

I ruffle my hair, fighting to clear my mind but everything is still so misty and I feel dizzy. I can’t believe those things happened to her but I can’t understand. Why isn’t she pushing every guy in the world away? If they have been so awful to her, how can she trust someone again? That makes no sense to me but the pain in her eyes when she shouted those things at me can’t be a lie. Those glimpses of her story can’t be lies. But then, why didn’t she tell me before?

I feel my head is burning, just like my skin. I feel everything is collapsing and I don’t know where to look for shelter. Nothing makes sense anymore and I’m losing it. I’m really losing it this time. So I go into the loo and take a cold shower until I can think straight again, until I can start to make sense of what happened.