When I walk inside the extremely crowded dressing room I don’t only find too many girls around, but I also see how a petite curly-haired girl with fringe and glasses approaches me, and before I can even realise who she is, she knees me in the balls. Just like that! Without saying a single world! She just hits me and I cry out in sheer pain, my hands flying to the wounded zone of my body and curling into foetal position on the floor. I don’t even hear the gasps of surprise; I can’t stop screaming. Oh my God, that hurts!

“That’s for being the bloody arse you are, you dickhead! Do you realise the problems you caused by saying those things to Zayn? What do you think I am? Enough is enough, get your head out of your arse and grow up! We’ve all been heartbroken once, you’re not the first to go through this and we all make it through so stop moaning like a little kid and man up!” she yells louder than I groan in absolute pain.

“Mila, stop,” someone else asks politely and I recognise the voice way too easy, which bothers me even more.

I know it’s Kay.

“Why? He didn’t stop when he said all those things to the guys, did he?” the girl who hit me, Mila, retorts angrily. “I’m tired of his selfishness and immaturity. Childish was one thing, but I’m tired of this immature little twat who can’t be miserable alone, he has to drag others.”

“Zayn, take her out of here,” Kay asks and I’m still on the floor, silent tears escaping from my eyes and I hide my face, I don’t want anyone to see me like this, but the pain is burning, making me see white dots before my eyelids.

Soon I feel a hand on my shoulder, rubbing soothingly. It’s a small hand that touches me so softly and it gives me chills that have nothing to do with the pain that is eating me alive. I don’t do anything, I just let myself be guided. These hands take my head and urge me to rest on a lap and I don’t protest, I curl against this body, my nose buried in the fabric, the feminine and sweet aroma a lullaby to my senses. I hold on to this person who keeps caressing me.

“It’s okay, it will pass,” she says… Kay. She is holding me. “I’m so sorry, babe. I know it hurts, but it’ll be fine in a little while,” Kay adds and I know that if I weren’t in this horrible pain, I would push back or something, but I can’t. I don’t mind it’s her, I hold on to her trying to fight the urge to keep screaming. “Niall, go for some ice patches, please.”

I think I hear some mumbles of agreement, but I can’t be sure. I groan lowly, my hands grabbing the fabric of her dress so tightly—I know she is wearing one, I saw her before.

I know what I told Zayn was wrong in the sense it’s not my business. I still think he should be prepared, but I hurt him and I apologised for that, yet Mila still hit me in the balls. It’s not fair, I did apologise! Now maybe I’m impotent all because of her. I thought Moni was the scary one, everyone says she is the dragon of the group, that if any of us is hurt, she would be the first to step us and kill the one responsible for our pain for us. But this time she didn’t even yell at me, she left that to Mila. Or maybe Moni asked her to take care of me. I don’t know! I just know both of them are scary and dangerous. Stupid women!

“Here, take this,” Niall says, I recognise his voice. I still can’t open my eyes, the pain is too much so I don’t move, but Kay does, carefully and she grabs one of my hands to take the ice patch and guides it to my crotch. It hurts, it hurts so much but the ice helps a bit… just a bit.

“Hold it there, it will help,” she says, still holding me, with my head on her lap. Her other hand takes off my beanie and strokes my hair, which sends relaxing waves through my body that do help me.

After I said those things to the lads, everyone was mad at me. Everyone looked hurt and although I apologised, Niall and Zayn were still keeping some distance. The only one who didn’t look at me murderously was Kay but I never let her tell me something about it, although I know she tried many times. She looked at me with so much pity and concern but I know she doesn’t really care, so I don’t even know what to think of her. I know I’m just a challenge for her, I heard her! But yet here she is, helping me, holding me while I’m in pain. Why her? Why not any of the lads?

“Are you feeling a bit better?” she asks cupping my face with one hand, the other is still on my hair and I honestly don’t want her to move, she is really helping me here.

“A bit,” I say with a hoarse voice. I open my eyes and the first thing I see is her face, her chocolate eyes staring at me with sheer concern as she smiles at me sweetly. Not her carefree, cheeky and amused smile. This is a sweet and coy smile.

For the first time, as she looks down at me with her right hand still cupping my face, her thumb caressing my cheek, I see Kay in another light and the surprise of this makes me forget the pain for a whole second. She doesn’t look like the annoying little girl that can’t leave me alone, the one who doesn’t know the definition of personal space, the stubborn prat. She looks ethereal, almost like an angel. The light from the light bulbs makes her look as if she has a halo around and with her smile she almost looks divine. Not like any other girl, not like anyone I’ve ever seen and for two seconds I can’t breathe, I can only look at her in awe.

“Good, just stay here for a wee more. You’ll be fine in no time,” she says and even her voice sounds sweeter. Is she doing this on purpose?

I blink a couple of times and I recover from the shock of seeing Kay like this, I close my eyes again as the pain comes back, not as strongly as before, but still burning in my very bones. I groan and Kay keeps stroking my hair and murmuring soothing words, but the pain is still here.

Stupid Mila.

“Mate, are you okay?” I hear Zayn asking and I really hope Mila is not around. “I’m sorry, I told Mila it was okay but she was so mad… it’s my fault, I guess. I got so jealous the other day after what you told us and Mila just got mad at me and then at you and I don’t know, things got just messy. I’m sorry.”

I don’t say a thing. I don’t have a single idea of what he is saying and I don’t care about it or if he is apologising for his girlfriend, I just care that I’m still on the floor, in pain.

“It is in moments like this that I appreciate being a girl. No one can hit me in the balls,” another girl says and I open one eye to see Tammy approaching, standing next to Kay. “I’m sorry, Louis. That must really hurt. Is that pain like giving birth?” she asks out of the blue and I hear Kay giggling, I feel her body shaking softly.

“I don’t think so. Giving birth is a pain that lasts longer. I think one of the first contractions is like one kick in the balls,” Kay answers and I can hear the smile in her voice. Don’t ask me how. “The other time I saw a video of a couple of guys simulating the pain of going in labour and they said there was nothing worse in the world.”

Why are they having this conversation?

“Well, that settles it, then. Louis, you’re lucky you’re not a girl and you don’t have to go into labour. You should be grateful that us, women, have to do that instead of you, men. Just think of that the next time you say you hate all women,” Tammy says and Kay laughs again though I don’t find this conversation particularly amusing. I think it’s bizarre.

“Here, this will help,” another voice says and when I look to Kay’s other side, I see Hannah kneeling to hand me a pill and a glass of water. “It’s not poison, don’t worry,” the ginger girl adds with a bright smile and Kay receives the pill and helps me swallow it.

“Do you need something?” Alex asks and I’m starting to get overwhelmed. While the lads keep their distance, it’s the girls who surround me and look at me with concern. Why do they do this? I’ve been awful to all of them all this time, yet here they are, helping me. Starting with Kay who is the one I’ve insulted the most.

“Space,” I ask because their proximity is suffocating me.

And cue to my words, Alex, Hannah, Phebs, Belle, Tammy and even Leanne —I don’t know when she approached— step back, leaving me only with Kay. She strokes my hair again, helping me relax one more time.

The pain is not that terrible anymore, yet I still don’t want to move. I know that the moment I decide to rise to my feet, I’ll have to push Kay and ignore her again, and right now, I’m way too comfortable here, with her holding me. I don’t want to move yet. I just need five more minutes of this.

Finally someone walks in and I hear him gasp before his steps approach. “What happened?” he asks, Paul.

“Mila hit him in the balls,” Kay replies softly, her hand still on my hair.

“Is he okay? Do we need to take him to the infirmary?”

“Uh, I dunno. Louis, babe, how are you feeling now?” she asks me, her hands cupping my face and forcing me to see her.

I take a deep breath because it still hurts, but I can move, I can stand up and leave. I’m okay, but that means, I’m fine enough to push her away again and step into my shell again.

Instead of answering, I push her softly and I rise, putting the ice patch away, moving carefully, testing if I’m okay. It hurts so I’m careful, but I’m okay, I can do this. “I’m fine,” I answer, not to Kay, to Paul. “We have to do sound check, right?” I inquire giving my back on Kay, but soon I feel her hand on my arm, grabbing it.

“Maybe you should sit on the sofa and skip sound check for now,” the blonde girl suggests and I shove her hand slowly.

“I’m fine. Thanks for helping but I don’t need you anymore. I’m fine,” I repeat, swallowing with difficulty accepting that in a moment I needed her.

“But Mila hit you really bad, I don’t think—”

“I’m fine,” I cut her off, my eyes cold on her and I know she notices the change because she tenses and takes one step back.

For five seconds, we look into each other’s eyes without saying a single word and I know she understands what I’m trying to say: That was a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again. Don’t get used to see me holding on to you again.

I see a shadow passing through her chocolate eyes and they lose the warmth they had before, when she was taking care of me. She looks hurt now but I don’t understand why. She doesn’t care about me, she only cares about winning her challenge and I won’t let her play with me.

“Okay,” she says and I’m not sure if she refers to what I told her with my eyes or to the fact that I will do the sound check no matter what. I think it’s the first. “Okay,” she repeats and this time her voice sounds different, like it breaks with the word.

Then Kay looks away and walks past me, not meeting my eyes again, not saying a single thing. She just leaves the room and we sink in a tense silence. No one says anything and I don’t move until I hear someone clearing her throat. I look and I see Leanne standing very uncomfortable on her feet.

“Uh… shall we go?” she asks doubtfully and for the first time since I walked in I take notice that Prodigy is there too. Skyler with her uninterested expression; Emma with an intrigued look; Tammy with a smile that I don’t know how to classify, next to Liam —of course—; and Leanne looking rather uncomfortable.

“Lets’ go,” I state turning on my heels to leave the room first. I ignore the murmurs at my back.