We are in Manchester for the gig with Prodigy. We decided to make something small and all the money we raise with the tickets will go to this charity with the kids. Management had a meeting with us and the girls of Prodigy trying to convince us to keep, at least, a fifteen per cent of the sales, but Tammy almost killed them for suggesting that. I remember that clearly because no one has yelled that loud at Management.

“Are you fucking insane? You and all of us have already enough money to burn if we want. Specially these boys here!” she shouted and I thanked her silently because she didn’t call us girls or fuckers. “We don’t need a single quid and you still wanna take something? We’re doing this to help, you can’t be this insensitive and selfish! It’s for the kids. What kind of human are you?!”

“We’re just looking after you—”

“Bullocks!” she cut them off. “You’re just looking after yourself. You want more money and you can use these boys,” —meaning us— “as you please, but you won’t do that with us, and not to the kids of this charity. They’ve had enough shit from their parents, you won’t make it worse for them! These here have so much money they would die at a hundred years old before spending it all, and we are fine, too. We don’t need any more money and certainly you don’t either! Why would you want even more? Can’t you stop? How greedy are you? Are you even human? Enough is enough, if you can’t do one thing for free, then don’t count with us. We can make gigs for free whenever we want, our fans won’t have a problem if we cancel this event to do something on our own for the charity, but tell that to their fans. For the first time, do something to help others and not to make more money for you.”

“We won’t accept this,” Liam spoke for all of us, siding with Tammy on this. And to be honest, I agree with them. What Management wanted to do is awful and low. “We don’t need more money. For this time, let us do something without gaining anything else but the satisfaction of helping. Tammy is so right it’s even humiliating. You have always won something out of everything we do. Nothing is for free, we really don’t do anything for free, somehow we always win something and that’s sick. We’re trying to help others, not ourselves.”

“What the noob said!” Tammy said folding her arms and giving one last glimpse to Liam, a little smile playing on her lips.

As they spend more time with the kids of the charity, they get along better. And I hate this, but Liam is growing really fond of Tammy. I know, I don’t understand it either!

“I told you they weren’t going to agree,” Janet, Prodigy’s manager told our group with a conceited smile. Emma laughed and high-fived her manager. I’ve noticed these girls and Janet have a very close relationship and their manager really looks after the girls, she knows them.

“Okay, all the sales will go to the charity,” Jeannine, one of our Management group finally agrees and I still think of that look in her eyes that day, she looked kind of proud.

So that’s good about this, we’re doing this to really help the charity and as we spend more time with this girl band, I’ve noticed a few things, too. All of them have this dark sense of humour and they tease each other all the time, but when it comes to music, they are really professional and they love what they do. And they are so bloody talented it’s not fair. Incredibly, I find out that Tammy, the worst of them all, is the most involved with charities. She does not only sponsor You Matter, she is also member of many other charities that help kids and she goes to orphanages frequently. I couldn’t believe it when Leanne told us that. Tammy would never admit it, though.

That girl is weird. She shows you she is terrible, but then she does things like those and you don’t know what to think. Why would someone so rude care so much about kids? She even yelled at me for rejecting a girl that wanted to take a picture with me. She told me I couldn’t do that to a little girl and I better apologise or she would make me regret my existence. Kay had to tell her to relax and not to kill me.

And Kay, that little harpy.

Since I overheard her conversation with Grimmy I’ve avoided her even more, but she keeps following me. When I can’t avoid her, I ignore her. I stay as taciturn as I can until she realises she won’t get a reaction from me and leaves me alone. And that takes a while.

Still, I watch her when she is busy with Peter following the guys, showing how they are during tour. She is a perfectionist, she is constantly checking that everything is like she wants. Although, she never makes us repeat something. I’m not sure how she is going to manage to fit everything together. She is always around, not filming, but alert that something may come up and it would be good to have it on tape.

I’ve also noticed that she gets along with Alex and Tammy well. To be honest, Kay gets along with everyone, especially with Alex. They talk a lot and I can’t help wondering what they talk about so much, but then I remind myself that I don’t care.

Kay has noticed I stare at her sometimes and she has made sure to tell me. “You watch me,” she said one day when I wasn’t paying attention. “I’ve caught you a few times. You like what you see?” she asked looping her arm around mine as she likes to do so much.

I learnt that if I try to shove her off, that only encourages her to push and push, so I just pretend I don’t notice she is touching me, that her skin is pressed against mine.

“I don’t,” I told her, not even bothering to meet her chocolate eyes.

“You do, I’ve caught you. You can deny it, but we know it’s true. I don’t mind, on the contrary, I like it when your eyes are on me.” She slid her hand down my forearm until she reached my own hand, tangling our fingers together. Her hand felt so small in mine, so delicate and feminine and I hated that feeling. I still hate it. “When are you gonna accept you’re warming up?”

“I am not warming up,” I insisted, not even bothering to get my hand free, but I didn’t squeeze back. “Now, would you leave me alone? I have things to do.”

She sighed slowly and let go of my hand just to stand in front of me. “You’re acting even colder than before. Did something happen? You don’t even yell at me anymore,” she asked me, concern written all over her features. Ha, I know she doesn’t care, she is just a good actress.

“I’m just me, if you don’t like it, you can leave me alone,” I told her and didn’t move nor blink when she cupped my face in her hands.

“I can’t,” she said with a smile. “I can’t leave you like this when I still can see in your eyes you need help. I’m trying to help you, Louis. Why don’t you let me?”

“Because I don’t need help. You’re talking nonsense.”

Kay sighed again, shaking her head and I remembered I just wanted her to leave me, to release my face because I was starting to get nervous. My heart raced in fear when she took a step closer and her thumbs started to stroke my cheeks.

“You may not want my help, but the old you does, he needs me,” she said in a whisper and before I could figure out how to reply to that, she stood on her tiptoes and pecked my lips again. This times for a few more seconds, slowly, more tenderly than the last time. I didn’t move, I didn’t react, I didn’t even blink and when she stepped back, I knew I had won. She was disappointed that she didn’t get anything. “I rather when you get angry and yell at me that this cold Louis. What happened this time?”

You, I answered in my mind but I didn’t say anything out loud. She accepted her loss and her hands left my face as she turned around and left me alone, as I wanted.

So that day I learnt that indifference wins. My anger only encourages her, this behaviour will finally make her give up. Nor even with a kiss she can get to me and I feel victorious. Nevertheless, I can’t stop thinking of the two times she has kissed me. I haven’t kissed her back and it’s only been pecks, but still. Those two times have been so different.

The first was so sneaky, like a kid trying to get away with murder, fast and ephemeral. And she laughed, she laughed at me for catching me off guard.

The second time was slow, tender and the way she looked at me was different, with sadness and concern in her eyes.

And until today I can feel the difference. The rush of the first, and the plead of the second.

But today Kay is the least of my problems because as we play for all the kids in the charity and all the others that bought tickets to support the cause, not only Prodigy will be around, Phebs, Belle, Mila, Moni, Hannah and even Savannah are coming to the gig to see us. That means, too many girls around and I feel overwhelmed.

Liam asked me the other day why I was mean to all our friends when they had done nothing to me or to any of them.

“They are women and they side with their type,” I remember telling him but he still looked confused. “It’s not fair to make exceptions.”

“You’re just being stupid,” he told me and I raised my eyebrows. “And cruel,” he added and then he left not giving me the chance to explain myself.

I know that Alex, for instance, who was my closest friend from all the girls, didn’t do anything, but she is still a girl. I’m sure that if an apocalypse breaks loose and she has to choose a side, she would pick the girls and not the boys, no matter how much of a tomboy she is. And she is friends with the poisonous traitor, I think they still talk.

Plus, when I look at Alex —or any of the other girls— I can’t help thinking, remembering my time with Eleanor and that always hurt in a way.

It’s easier to include them as well in my hatred.

Plus, I know they will do the same. Eventually, they will leave my friends, they will find someone better and they will break their hearts. They will replace them. They will make them suffer and feel worthless. And for that future, I hate them, too.

“Louis!” I hear someone calling that I haven’t seen in a while and when I turn around my eyes meet brown ones. Moni is approaching. “Here you are! Everyone is looking for you. They need to do sound-check before they open the doors.”

“I’m coming,” I answer coldly and I notice she frowns, confused by my tone.

“You okay?”

“Perfectly fine,” I answer but she doesn’t look convinced.

“You don’t look fine, you look dead,” she says so honestly my eyes widen. “Worse than the last time I saw you.”

I take a deep breath, looking for the words to answer that. “Well, no one asked you for your opinion.”

Now she raises her eyebrows in sheer surprise. “Well, at least you’re still the sassy one. Let’s go, I need to claim my reward. I knew I could find you first.”

She turns on her heels and starts walking towards the door that leads us to one hall at the backstage of the theatre where we’re performing today. I sigh as I start walking myself. It’s time to face everyone, seeing the lads with their girlfriends, even Kay trying to get to me. It’s time to face that whereas I’ve realised it’s better to be alone, my band mates are still blind to that, they still hope no one will replace them when that’s as inevitable as breathing. I just hope that when that happens, they won’t end up too broken.