I don’t even hate her more than before. No, not at all. I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. What I know doesn’t affect me in the slightest. She is just like any other out there, no difference. That she doesn’t really care isn’t new information, I knew this from the very beginning. I’m not surprised. I’m not hurt. I don’t care about her and the things she does. She can try to conquer the world and I wouldn’t care. Kay is nothing in my life. I don’t care.

I don’t care.

I don’t bloody care.

And I’m tired of your bullshit! A voice screams in my head and I stop, frozen. Am I going crazy?

I blink a couple of times, still without moving a single muscle, hoping to hear that voice again, but nothing happens. It was a masculine voice, familiar yet I don’t recognise it immediately. I have to think long and hard to put the piece together.

You see, when you hear your voice recorded and you say: that can’t be me! It sounds so different yet you know it’s you. Well, that voice that shouted in my head was me… I heard myself. And now I’m thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I know many people say they can hear an inner voice telling them what to do and stuff, but I never thought it was literal. I never thought people could actually hear themselves. Either way, my inner voice isn’t helping.

What bullshit? I’m just speaking the truth. That Kay only sees me as a challenge isn’t relevant to my life. She said she wanted me to fall in love with her just to amuse herself. Films and books always have the boy vowing to make the girl fall in love with him; normally for something awful and stupid like a bet or a dare. Films and books don’t show that girls do the same, that they are even worse.

Why me? Why couldn’t she find a challenge in someone else? Why doesn’t she really care?

I stop myself… again, when I realise what I’ve asked. I try to tell myself that I don’t care, she can fuck herself for all it matters, but truth be told… I was hoping she really cared. I was starting to believe she really wanted to help me. Not that I need help, but you get what I mean.

That she never backed off made me think she really wanted to change me, more than any of the guys. I know they want to do something, but when I tell them to leave me alone, they leave me alone. Not Kay. And I thought it was because she maybe cared more than the others, so much she couldn’t accept a go away for an answer. I was starting to think that; I still couldn’t understand why.

But now I do.

It’s not that she ever cared. No. It was that she saw a challenge in me when we met, when she saw me hating on every woman and swearing not to need anyone by my side, she saw a challenge. She saw this guy who wanted to be alone and set her mind in making him want to have someone. Well, who’s laughing now? I figured her out and she won’t win. If I ever decide to fall for someone again, which I doubt it will ever happen, it’s not going to be her.

And even if it weren’t a challenge for her, even if I were determined to try and ‘get over’ this stage in my life, I would never fall for someone like Kay. She clearly doesn’t take things seriously, she is the kind that walks away when she gets bored instead of trying. That’s why she is trying with me, only because she can’t get bored, because I’m still her impossible challenge.

I could never be with someone like her, regardless my hatred of women, in spite of not wanting to be in a relationship ever again. Kay Evans and I would never happen. I would never trust her to fight for the relationship.

That’s why I don’t care if she only sees me as a challenge, because I don’t care about her.

I resume my walking, away from everyone, where no one can see me, where no one can find me. I know I should be back and keep rehearsing. Although we sound great already, we can sound even better; but I don’t want to see anyone right now. I just want to be left alone and I want to stop thinking. That seems to be the only think I do lately. I think, think and think about everything. And I’m tired. For a moment I want to forget everything and just breathe.

I want to forget that Eleanor broke my heart when she told me she had found someone better.

I want to forget that I was once happy and that I believed in love.

I want to forget that all my friends seem to be in love. I even want to forget that Liam gets along with that awful girl that he should hate. Stupid Liam.

I want to forget that even if I try to find someone else, even if I hope I’ll find another girl, that girl will find someone better eventually and leave me… like Eleanor did. If I couldn’t make it work with her, who seemed so perfect for me, who made me think she was the one, why would I be able to keep any other girl?

Somehow, I get to the roof of the venue where we’re playing at tomorrow. I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m glad I did. For some reason, I like roofs. I like it when I’m in a high place, when I can look down and see the rest of the world. I like to feel I’m not part of them anymore, that for a moment I can just look at them as a third party, someone who doesn’t fit in their world. It gives me perspective, it gives me peace and that’s all I need right now.

I lay on the roof in the shadows and I close my eyes as I feel the warmth of a summer day embracing me. I fight to leave my mind blank and fall asleep when I succeed. I get to disconnect from everyone and everything.

+ + + + +

I wake up when I feel someone shaking me carefully. I open one eye first and I notice it’s dark, the sun isn’t shining up in the sky anymore and it’s cool, not hot like before. I open my other eye and I see Harry staring at me, worry written all over his face and I sigh. That has been his look all this time every time he looks at me and I’m getting tired of it.

“I’m fine,” I say as I rise slowly, speaking before he can even ask me something. I see the question in his eyes, he doesn’t need to speak up. “I just fell asleep.”

“We were worried. We couldn’t find you anywhere. Couldn’t you at least send a bloody text?” he reprimands me punching my arm for real. Not the punch you give your friend just to show affection, he is really mad.

“Ouch, that hurt,” I complain rubbing my arm.

“Good. You really scared us all. For a moment we thought something bad had happened to you. Kay said that maybe you wanted to be alone and we shouldn’t worry.”

At her mention I tense up. At least she left me alone.

“I did want to be alone,” I say through gritted teeth because in a way I’m saying Kay was right and I hate to accept that.

“But you left without saying a thing and you looked so upset. I was worried,” Harry insists and I remember he saw me leaving and he had the same look in his eyes that he has now.

“I’m fine,” I repeat but it’s like I’m talking to a wall. He doesn’t say anything.

“Not because you say that all the time it means it’s true.” At his words I look away.

Normally Harry leaves me alone when I ask him to, he doesn’t do it with a smile and a ‘good luck, mate’ but he leaves me. He doesn’t push me although I’m sure he wants to insist. He knows that when I say stop, he has to drop the subject. But today I don’t see him willing to stop so I’m just taking a deep breath because I know what it’s coming.

“Stop pretending you’re okay. That you’re not crying and depressed doesn’t mean you’re okay, being angry all the time is just another way to show you’re hurt.” I feel his large hand on my shoulder and I turn to meet his eyes. “We’re not gonna judge you if you want to be sad, if you need to be sad.”

“I’m not sad,” I say, never breaking the eye contact. I need him to understand this.

“We’ve all had a bad time, a rough patch and we haven’t been afraid to show that and ask for help. We can help you out, Lou,” he says, ignoring that I just told him I’m not sad.

“I’m not sad, Harry,” I repeat, louder this time, more determined. “I’m mad, I’m disappointed and yes, still a bit hurt, I’m not gonna lie to you, but I’m not sad. I was sad. I don’t need you to help me out to get the girl back because I don’t want her back. I don’t need you to support me while I try to forget her because I already forgot her. I’m angry because I wasn’t enough, because I couldn’t make it work even when I tried so hard. I don’t need you to listen to me because I don’t have anything to say besides what you already know. All I need from you all guys is to stop worrying. I am fine.” I stare at him carefully, hoping he will understand that I’m not going through the same they did. My situation is far more different from theirs.

Eleanor didn’t leave me because she thought we were too different to be together, because she believed she didn’t fit in my world… like Alex did.

Eleanor didn’t leave me because I made a mistake and broke her trust… like Mila did.

Eleanor didn’t leave me because she was so broken and afraid of loving and losing… like Hannah did.

Eleanor left me because I wasn’t good enough, because she didn’t love me anymore. And that… that is very different from what my friends have gone through.

I’m not here, trying to get back to her like Niall was, waiting for the right moment to try to change her mind.

I’m not here, waiting patiently until she can trust me again, like Zayn was, giving Mila all the time she needed to move on.

I’m not here, wishing Eleanor could accept it is okay to be in love and care about people, like Harry was.

I’m just here trying to live my life, to enjoy what I do without feeling like I need someone by my side to feel whole. I’m fine alone, I don’t need someone else to feel complete and I wish the rest would understand that. I know that everyone hopes to find love, to find their soul mate, but many people go through life without finding someone and not because of that they are less worthy. Why do I have to need someone to be happy?

Because you’re not happy now, that voice —my voice— speaks again in my mind, this time not scaring me like the first time and I sigh deeply.

I may not be happy now, completely happy, but I will. I know that.

“Then why don’t you smile like you used to?” Harry asks and this time I get up and walk past him.

“Maybe because all what you all do is worry about me instead of just letting me be. Maybe because I know you expect me to be sad and miserable when I’m not. Stop worrying so much and you maybe will notice that I’m okay.”

“I can’t stop worrying. Could you do that if you were me?”

I turn around to look at my best mate. I worried for him, for Niall and for Zayn when they were in their rough patches, but again, that was so different from this. But if they were in the situation I am right now I would leave them alone. If that were what they really need, I would do it.

“I would believe you if you said you’re okay.” He looks sad, he looks like he expects me to be miserable. “It’s gonna be fine, Harry, stop worrying so much.”

And I try to smile, honestly, how he wants me to smile, but I know it doesn’t work when he sighs and shakes his head.

“Okay,” is all he says but he doesn’t look at me again, he just walks past me leaving me behind.

He will see I’m fine. He and everyone else will finally accept that I’m fine like this. Not because I don’t want the same things they want means that I won’t be as fine as them. I will. Maybe even better.