Wakas

TW: harassment, violence, strong language. Read at your own risk.

I know that she wasn't Solstice the first time I met her. Sa tuwing tinatawag ko siyang Solstice ay iniirapan n'ya ako o di kaya'y hindi siya lilingon. Solstice was my childhood friend. Kabisado ko ang bawat kibot n'ya kaya naman nagtaka talaga ako sa pagbabago ng kan'yang ugali.

"Solstice," malambing kong tawag.

"Ano ba? Bubwit! Ang kulit mo ah?!" singhal n'ya sa akin. Nakahalukipkip siya habang nakatingin sa akin.

My mouth formed a circle. "What's bubwit? Best friends na ba tayo dahil may call sign ka na sa akin?"

I giggled. Mas malambing si Solstice ngayon! Dati kasi ay Etienne lang ang tawag n'ya sa akin. Pero ngayon ay bubwit na!

"Ewan ko sa 'yo!"

"Natutulog tayo sa hapon, Solstice! Wala namang mali sa magkatabi."

"Tabihan mo sarili mo!" iritadong sigaw n'ya sa akin.

Lalo naman akong natuwa. She used to be nice and now she's always angry. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung dahil ba sa umalis ako ng bansa kaya nagtampo siya sa akin. Solstice is prim and proper, madalas ay naka-dress at naglalagay ng bulaklak sa kan'yang tainga. She likes dolls and lets me play with her dollhouse. Mabait siya kahit kanino at hindi rin matampuhin. Kaya nga di ko alam bakit nag-evolve siya ngayon e. This Solstice was clearly different but. . .

She's cute.

Really really cute.

"Something's off with Solstice lately," Snyder blurted out. Hinuhugasan n'ya ang kamay n'yang may bakas ng acrylic paint.

"Hm? Wala naman," I lied. I'll protect Solstice even if she's not here.

Umismid siya. "Tsk, you're the one who's with her the most. Hindi ko ba napapansin na parang palagi siyang takot? Na para bang hindi n'ya kakilala ang sarili n'yang pamilya? And her mole! I used to sketch you guys and I've noticed that her mole is now in a different place. . ."

Euan rolled his eyes. "Crush mo ba si Sol bakit mo tinitingnan? Saka? Pake mo ba kung lumipat 'yong nunal? Maybe it's a booger!"

"Euan!"

My heart was thumping in confusion. I wanted to refute his claims and tell him that he's probably imagining things. Kakasinghot n'ya siguro ng acrylic paint, gano'n. And so, I decided to investigate myself.

As someone from the EIJE Inc. It was easy for me to track down records despite my young age. Ang problema ko lang, hindi ako tinuturuan ni Papa kung paano ang mas lumalim pa. He's afraid that I'll get too deep from searching using the internet and technology. He also doesn't find it ethical to view the records of others because it destroys the essence of privacy.

"Papa!" I whined and kept on tugging his shirt. "Please tell me! I want to know more about my friend!"

Napabungtonghininga si Papa. Nasa loob kami ng opisina n'ya ngayon. After I've gathered enough information about Solstice and her family, I want to know what happened to her mother.

"Etienne, please. Huwag mo na alamin 'yong mga 'yon, alright? We'll do our best to help but this is none of our business. Wala rin talaga tayong alam sa kanila. . ."

"Papa? That's Solstice! She's my friend and my—!" I got cut off by my own thoughts. And your what, Etienne? Snap out of it! Focus on your goal!

I have to know where her mother is. I have to reunite them together. At kapag nagawa ko 'yon. .

I just want Lavy to appreciate me too.

At habang lumalaki kami ay lalo akong nagkakaroon ng ideya kung paano ko ito magagawa. I even begged my mother to hire me a tutor for me to learn hacking. Sa pamamagitan nito ay mas mahahanap ko kung saan nagtatago ang mama ni Lavy. When Lavy met Caer, my cousin, it only added fuel to the flames of my passion in helping them find each other again.

I didn't know I would get burned by my own flames. I wanted to remember everything that happened between the time that I was learning her mother's whereabouts.

Palagi akong nabablangko. Palaging ayaw balikan ng sistema ko ang pangyayari. I would even cry without my own permission, kusang tumutulo ang mga luha sa aking pisngi.

"Magsusumbong ka? Wala naman akong ginawa, ah? You're just like your father. Basura," she mocked after throwing the butt of her cigarettes. She would burn my hand if I clicked the wrong letter or number. She would pull my hair whenever I can't do the codes right.

Her words lingered on my mind more than how the heat of her cigarettes scarred my skin. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagot sa kan'ya pabalik. Paano kung hindi na n'ya ituro sa akin kung paano mahahanap ang mama ni Lavy?

Lavy will get sad.

I sobbed in my own room because I couldn't tell anyone. Kailangan ko na lang itong tiisin. Matatapos naman na. Mahahanap ko naman na siya at magsasama na sila ni Lavy. I will make sure that the tutor will go to jail after this. Sa lahat ng pang-a-abuso n'ya sa akin.

Hard work indeed pays off. Pero may kaakibat dapat itong suwerte. And luck, unfortunately, has favorites. It sometimes chooses the lucky ones and the ones left behind have to find luck in their own way.

I kept tapping my foot on the floor, waiting for the man in front of me to settle the issue already. Paulit-ulit na ako sa pag-ku-kuwento sa kan'ya. Subalit hindi pa rin nagbabago ang kan'yang ekspresyon.

"Kailangan mo sabihin ang totoong nangyari," the man said. Pinagdaop n'ya ang kan'yang mga palad.

"I am telling the truth," giit ko. Pinipigilan ko ang umiyak.

Just please let me go. . .

I didn't fear remembering what happened. What I dreaded was how they would react knowing what really occurred during that day. Hindi ko na rin masikmura ang ilang oras na pagtatanong nila sa akin. The expressions on their faces are getting uglier as the hands of the clock keep moving.

"Bakit hindi ka nagsumbong agad?" tanong nila sa akin. I flinched as I kept on pushing my nails on my skin as the trail of questions were left unanswered.

The police kept on asking me the same pattern of questions but their faces always plastered a look of being unconvinced. May mga tumatango na para bang naiintindihan nila ako kahit hindi. Ang ilan ay ngumingisi at itong kausap ko ay tila ba hindi siya makapaniwala sa sumbong sa kan'ya. Sinubukan ko naman mag-kwento pero laging alanganin ang kanilang mga ekspresyon. I am always being cut off.

It is as if they don't want to believe me.

It is as if what happened to me is ridiculous.

Oras ang lumipas bago ko tuluyang tinikom ang bibig ko. What am I hoping for? Kahit sino ay hindi ako paniniwalaan.

I can't even tell them the whole story without blacking out. Hindi ko masabi kung paanong ang mismong paghawak n'ya lang sa braso ko ay nagpa-paiyak na sa akin.

"Huy? Ano? Tapos anong nangyari?" naiinip na tanong sa akin ng pulis. Napapakamot pa siya sa kan'yang ulo na walang buhok.

It is disheartening to watch them look at me as if I'm making it a big deal that a woman harassed me. Para bang dapat ay hindi ko na lang ito sinumbong. I should have just kept quiet about it.

"Bakit hindi ka lumaban? Kahit naman bata ka pa, mas malakas ka pa rin doon. . ." saad ng isa sa mga pulis na nagtatanong sa akin.

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. I made sure to look at him to know his intentions, mukhang nagbibiro lang naman siya. My teeth sucked on my lower lip.

Biro lang pala sa iba ang pinagdaanan ko.

"Bata ka pa pero nakatikim ka na ng matanda," gatong pa ng kasama n'ya. It gathered an eruption of laughter from them.

I was shaking already. My insides are turning sour and I want to vomit. I want to escape this interrogation. Hindi bale na siguro na hindi siya makulong basta ba't hindi na nila ako tatanungin tungkol sa nangyari.

"H-hindi po. . .walang nangyari," I clarified. I was looking down on my fingers, trying to instill pain so my focus would divert. Para hindi ang sa dibdib ko naiipon ito.

"Wala naman palang nangyari e. . ." anang pulis. May isang ngisi sa kan'yang labi. "Kaya ka ba nagsusumbong dahil. . .walang nangyari?"

Tinitigan ko lang siya. Hindi ko hinayaan na hindi n'ya maramdaman kung gaano ako nandidiri sa paraan kung paano n'ya ako tingnan. Is he implying that I wanted it? The reason I couldn't tell them the exact details was because I secretly wanted it?

The cigarette burns?

The mental torture that I had to endure?

The physical pain that she inflicted?

"That's why I was insisting that you should at least let someone who's compassionate enough to understand what my son has gone through!" Umiiyak si Mommy habang dinuduro ang kausap n'ya.

"Mga pulis 'yon, maiintindihan naman siguro nila ang nangyari. . ."

"You don't understand! Of course they will do their job! Pero hindi ibig sabihin n'on ay kakausapin nila si Etienne nang may ingat. Goodness gracious! Hindi na makapagsalita 'yong anak ko nung umuwi! He was as white as a ghost! Sa tingin mo ba ay maayos nila itong kinausap?!"

Stop. Please.

Napahawak ako sa tainga ko. The issue was spread by someone in my school. Ang mga larawan kung saan pinapakita kung paano n'ya ako minaltrato ay pinakalat n'ya mismo. I just know that it was her doing. She wanted this to be known. She wanted my father to know what she did.

I sobbed against my own skin. Walang habas na tumulo ang mga luha ko sa aking braso. I was crying in my own room, in the dark, without someone to talk to.

I let myself succumb to the sadness of being alone in this pit of hell that I have dug myself. Hindi ko na dapat pinangarap si Lavy. Dapat nakuntento na lang ako sa kung ano ang kaya n'yang ibigay para sa akin.

But I wanted her to look at me like how she admired Caer from afar. Kung paanong kumikislap ang mga mata n'ya sa tuwing nakikita ito. The way she jumps unconsciously upon knowing that Caer is near.

I tried to repress the memories. I wanted to just forget her. Ang sabi ko ay kakalimutan ko ang mga memorya ko kung saan nandoon siya. A month abroad would probably erase her from my entire being.

"Etienne," Mommy embraced me from behind as I continued to cry because this is the place where I'm allowed to be vulnerable.

Sa iba, bawal ako umiyak kasi lalaki ako. Sa iba, mahina ang pagpapakita ng emosyon. Sa iba, hindi nila maiintindihan na masakit din para sa akin ang nangyari. . .dahil wala namang nangyari. I sniffed and cried.

"A-ayaw ako paniwalaan ni Lavy," I hiccuped. "A-anong gagawin ko? H-hindi ko naman ginusto 'yon. . .hindi ko naman. . ."

"Etienne," Mommy smiled at me, her tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. "Huwag k-ka matatakot ha? Wala ka dapat ikahiya. You're the victim here. . ."

"Nakakadiri raw p-po ako. . ." I held on to her dress. "Nandidiri k-ka rin ba sa akin? Madumi na ba ako? H-hindi naman nangyari, w-wala naman. . ."

My sentences were incoherent. Ito rin ang isa sa mga dahilan bakit ayaw ako paniwalaan ng mga pulis. Hindi ko raw kasi makwento nang maayos.

Paano mo nga ba makukwento nang maayos ang isang alaala na ayaw mo na balikan?

How can I tell them how I endured everything just because I wanted to learn more about Lavy's mother? Gusto ko lang naman na magkita silang dalawa ulit. She can't be Solstice forever. I wanted her to live her own life too. Kasalanan ko siguro. . .I wanted to gain something. . . I was probably selfish and this was probably my punishment. Sana tinanaw ko na lang siya sa malayo at hindi ko na siya pinangarap pa.

"Babalik ka pa sa Pilipinas?" tanong sa akin ni Kaiaria. We were skating together. Pareho naming bakasyon at nag-usap kami na magkita. She's one of the people that I could trust. Hindi rin siya masyadong makwento at wala rin siyang masyadong kaibigan.

Somehow, we're on the same page. She had an unrequited love for Caer. Pareho naming minimithi ang mga taong hindi naman para sa aming dalawa.

"Ah gano'n ba?" Huminto siya sa kan'yang pags-skate. Napalingon tuloy ako sa kan'ya. We're not doing stunts anyway, kaya naman kaswal lang ang galaw namin.

"Ikaw ba? Kailan ka babalik?"

Ngumiti lang siya. "Hindi ko pa alam e. Pero baka sumunod ako sa 'yo. Hindi ko rin naman mae-enjoy ang buhay rito kaya baka bumalik na lang din ako ng Pilipinas."

I couldn't blame her. Sure, the ambiance and the overall lifestyle here is better. Pero alam naman namin na hindi kami magtatagal dito. We both know that our home is the Philippines. O baka nandoon kasi talaga ang tahanan namin. Ang palaging inuuwian na tao rin ay doon matatagpuan.

It was a hopeless case. Ang hirap na patuloy kang umaasa kahit sinasampal na sa 'yo na tama na at tumigil ka na. Nasaktan ka na e, bakit ka pa uulit?

I told myself, tanga na lang ako kung kakausapin ko pa si Lavender na para bang walang nangyari sa amin. I breathed out upon arriving at the airport in the Philippines. Ramdam ko ang daloy ng kaba at takot sa aking dibdib. Weird how after all the sessions that I took to prepare myself for another year, masakit pa rin pala. It was still fresh yet the feeling is also vague.

Akala ko matapos lahat ng oras na ginugol ko para sa sarili ko ay limot ko na kung sino si Solstice Lavender. Pero nang tanungin ako kung saan ako mag-aaral para sa school year na ito, I didn't hesitate to answer. . .

"Kung saan si Lavender," I blurted out.

Napalingon sa akin si Mommy. Bahagyang nanglaki ang mga mata bago muling kumurap.

"A-are you sure?"

Tumango ako. "Wala naman na akong nararamdaman sa kan'ya."

I mean, I'm indifferent already. The only reason I got hurt is because I let my emotions control me. Ngayon ay hindi ko na sila hahayaan na malaman kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko. When you let people know your emotions, you let them control you. 'Yon ang tinatak ko sa aking utak. I would never let anyone hurt me again. I'll be the one who'll control them instead.

Pumasok ako sa University of Jeanne D'Arc. It was named after The Maid of Orléans. It was a heroine role in France so the owners are probably half or have french connection. Isang international school ito pero maraming iskolar kaya naman halo pa rin ang mga estudyante, it wasn't only for the elites. I had to research it because I didn't want to embarass myself. Ayoko naman na isipin ni Lavender na sinusundan ko siya. I groaned inwardly, why did I have to make myself suffer like this? Kasalanan ko talaga kung bakit hindi ko siya tuluyang matanggal sa sistema ko.

"Etienne Nealcail Soteiro," a girl shorter than me said.

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. My lips parted upon seeing her face. It was the same as before. Ang matalim n'yang mga mata, her lips stained with a few drops of cherries, her signature pearls around her neck. Tinitigan ko muna siya bago bumalik sa reyalidad.

Galit ka dapat d'yan, tanga.

I wanted to defend myself for almost gawking at her. Maganda e. Anong gagawin ko? Tanga ka talaga, Etienne. Madadaan ka sa ganda lang?

I tsk-ed to myself. What the hell is wrong with you, Etienne? Bakit ka nakikipag-away sa sarili mo? Bored ka ba?

Mabuti na lang na nanaig ang pagiging pakipot ko. I have to remind myself that I'm here to let her see that she has no control over me. My past won't define me. At kung paano n'ya ako sinaktan noon, ipapakita ko sa kan'ya na wala na itong dating sa akin. Her effect doesn't beguile me anymore.

"Can you move your finger? I can't see my name." I said coldly. Tama, dapat mas malamig pa ako sa North Pole.

Matagal n'ya akong tinitigan. Ang may kasingkitan n'yang mga mata ay namilog. Even her beautiful lips fell apart from each other. Hindi ko tuloy alam ang mararamdaman. My entire breath hinged on her emotion.

Naga-gwapuhan ba siya sa akin?

At paano kung oo?

Kami na ba?

What the heck?!

"E-Etienne," her voice cracked. Kahit ang mismong mukha n'ya ay hindi ko maipinta.

She jumped for a bit. Halata na nagulat sa presensya ko. The scary expression on her face before was nowhere to be seen.

"Ah? Wala pa nga ako'ng ginagawa," I said to make her feel that her existence doesn't have any effect on me.

I chose STEM just because I knew she'll take this strand for her future course. Hindi rin naman na ako lugi kung sakali, I was into technology and our ties are also connected to it. Mas mapapadali nga lang sana kung TVL-ICT ang kinuha ko pero aligned pa rin naman ito sa aking magiging kurso. I was going to take Computer Science in the near future, this wouldn't be a huge problem at all.

I wanted to let her feel that she was no one to me. . . I failed terribly.

Isang ngiti lang n'ya sa akin ay limot ko na agad kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay napapaigtad ako kapag may humahawak sa akin na hindi ko pinahintulutan. Her words and actions were erased by her docile smile.

How can I move on from you if I still love you absolutely, terribly, madly?

It was hopeless. Iniisip ko na masamang tao si Lavender dahil nasaktan n'ya ako. Nagbitaw siya ng mga masasakit na salita sa akin. She can never take those words and even if she did ask me to forgive her, I could never forget the way she didn't hesitate to shun me down when I needed her the most.

I couldn't forget it—but when I saw the intense longing in her eyes, everything felt like hoary memories passing by. Para bang nakaraan ko na lang siya. Hindi 'yon ang magiging kinabukasan ko. It was so easy to forgive her because of the love that remained in my heart. It overflows the hate and anger that I should feel.

I was hurt before but it didn't mean my future would be the same. I probably had a bad experience but it doesn't mean that the next moments of my life are already written in the same ink.

Akala ko ay sa pagiging mag-kaibigan na lang kami babalik. I couldn't hate her. The idea of hating her seems foreign to me. Hindi ko magawang isipin na magalit sa kan'ya. I always tease her with cringey lines like I would be the one to hurt her. Kahit ako ay napapa-WTF sa tuwing naaalala ko ang mga linya ko na gano'n. Mukha akong trying hard na kontrabida sa isang telenobela. Ni hindi ko nga gustong madapuan siya ng lamok, baka ako pa mismo ang maglagay sa kan'ya ng insect repellent lotion.

Nagulat lang ako nang sabihin n'ya na liligawan n'ya ako. Lavender has always been too bold with her words. Hindi ko alam bakit kinabahan ako ng sabihin n'ya 'yon. Of course, I would like that. I want to be hers too. Pero ayoko naman napipilitan lang siya. Ayoko naman na pakiramdam n'ya may pananagutan siya sa akin. I can feel in the way that she looks at me that she feels like she needs to correct something.

It feels like I'm her redemption arc. It feels wrong to doubt her. Yet it feels wrong to believe her too.

I could feel her deep remorse for what she have said to me. Alam ko naman na nagsisisi siya. At dahil nga alam ko 'yon, a part of me always keep in mind that she might have just felt sorry for me. Sa tindi ng pagsisisi n'ya, pakiramdam ko lahat ng ginagawa n'ya ay upang makabawi sa akin. And that includes trying to form a romantic relationship with me.

And I was so desperate to accept it.

"I saw you talking with two guys already," I pursed my lips, looking at my girlfriend. "Kakasagot ko pa lang sa 'yo pero sumusulpot na 'yong mga pangit."

Tinawanan n'ya lang ako at nakita kong tinanggal n'ya ang coat. I gulped because she might not know but she really has a nice figure.

Buti na lang talaga sinagot ko siya. I wouldn't like to prolong it either, gusto ko na rin talaga siyang maging akin. I want to claim her as mine even if it's forbidden. Her kisses, her touch and everything about her seems like a lost treasure you can't afford to lose.

"Seloso," she teased. Damn right, I am. Sino ang hindi magiging seloso kung alam ko na isa lang siya sa mundong ito?

That sounded wrong because she has a twin. But. . .

"Sino'ng di magseselos, e alam kong maganda ka?" I whispered in her ears.

She swallowed hard before diverting her glance somewhere else. Natawa naman ako sa kan'ya. It was my birthday but I would rather spend the entire night with her than with the crowd.

"If this is a dream, bangungot yata ito." I kidded while pampering her with soft kisses on her hair.

"Break na tayo."

"Di ka naman mabiro," I said. Medyo kinabahan.

"Etienne, we have a lot of differences, don't you think?" biglang tanong n'ya sa akin.

"All lovers are almost opposite to each other. Oftentimes, they work because they try their best to fit in the missing pieces of their lover."

"Like a puzzle?"

"Like a puzzle," I said.

"I love you, I will constantly be confusing, not the perfect girl or lover and maybe not even the perfect one for you," she confessed which pumped my heart.

Nagulat ako ng dumampi ang kan'yang labi sa aking noo. "You don't have to doubt my love for you."

I felt weak. Hindi ko maipaliwanag pero tinatanggal ni Lavy ang pangamba ko sa lahat. I am still scared but with her? I can try to be brave again.

"I fear being kissed, Lavy." I confessed. The tutor never did anything beyond—like kissing. But she made sure I'll fear physical contact. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mapaigtad tuwing may biglaang hahawak sa akin.

Yet Lavender's touch exudes sheer innocence and comfort. Sa haplos pa lang n'ya ay pakiramdam ko ligtas na ako.

"Did she kiss you?" tanong n'ya.

"N-no," I rested my face on her chest. "I didn't like kissing. I never imagined it with anyone besides you. I never let her k-kiss me. And she'll hurt me for that. She uses cigarettes to. . ."

"I love you," she affirmed. "You didn't deserve that. No one does but I know that you were the least person that had to be there."

"I know you hated kissing but I'll change that for you. . ."

She placed a faint kiss on the side of my cheeks. Natigilan naman ako at hindi agad nakasagot. It still feels like a dream to be loved by her. I always envied people who can get love so easily.

Naalala ko pa nga na may nakita akong mag-jowa na sa clinic pa mismo nag-break. Parang gago lang. Nagka-live show pa tuloy ng isang teledrama ang mga nurse roon. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang naging reaksyon nung lalaki e.

Pero dapat pala ay natuto ako sa kanila. I should have learned from them that if we can talk to people to avoid misunderstanding; we should do it. Hindi kasi malulutas ang isang misunderstanding kung hindi pinaguusapan. At kung maguusap, dapat bukas ang dalawang tainga sa dalawang panig.

Hindi ko 'yon ginawa. Doon ko lang napagtantuan na madali magbitaw ng salita ngunit hindi madaling gawin.

"The Reverios are just. . ." I trailed off. Kausap ko si Adren ngayon sa isang social event na ginawa ni Dayanara. I would never understand why the elites would always gather at one place, hindi ba sila natatakot na mas nagiging vulnerable sila sa mga kaaway nila?

Napabungtonghininga si Adren. "My family is a mess. I don't want Arrisea to experience this. Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mas maayos na kinabukasan. I don't want Alfos or Dayanara to meddle with me. Si Lolo naman."

My eyes squinted. Kung di lang ako pinipigilan ni Adren, matagal ko sigurong tinapos ang paghahari ng papa at stepmother n'ya. They were the ones who made my job hard. Ang hirap itago sa kanila ng mama ni Lavender. Although, my mother-in-law is nice—sana pati anak n'ya ay mabait din pero ika nga nila 'you can't have it all'. Gusto ko rin naman ang nagsusungit siya, lalong lumalabas ang kan'yang ganda.

I even visited her friend once, Si Yna, sa bahay nila. Akala ko kasi ay naglayas na siya pero napapadalas lang pala ang pagtambay n'ya sa bahay nila Yna. Philomena was there too. A schoolmate, if I'm not wrong.

I had to let her know the truth. Walang katumbas ang tuwa n'ya nang makita ang kan'yang ina. Her cry of joy only made me proud that I didn't give up. Whenever Lavender visits her mother—hindi ko maiwasan ang mapangiti dahil alam kong nagawa ko nang mabuti ang trabaho ko. I was able to reunite them. Kahit nahirapan ako hanapin ang mama n'ya dahil pinalabas ko pa itong namatay. I had to—kung di ko ginawa 'yon, Alfos would easily locate her. Lalong gugulo ang mga buhay ng mga Reverio.

I did everything without anyone's help. Hacking isn't easy. Mali rin ito kung gagamitin sa maling paraan. I always try not to get into someone's privacy—but that's impossible because data is scattered in the digital age. Lalo na ngayon na halos umaasa na ang tao sa teknolohiya. It is also one of the reasons why we're rich, we have sources that only grow as time goes by.

I also tend to put my nose into the businesses of others. Simply because when you're rich and you almost have it all—all things are boring already. I do try to help whenever I can. I just simply can't figure out why they do stupid things for love.

Ako magpapaka-tanga sa pag-ibig? Nah. Never.

Pero nang malaman ko na bumalik si Caer ay na-alarma ako. The people around us were feeding me doubts. Lavender is assuring me but I could always feel her hesitation. Whenever I look at her, beads of sweat are forming in her forehead. Na para bang may tinatago siya sa akin.

I don't want to be possessive but it's hard to let you go. I can't think of the chances that Lavy and I will have to part ways. Kahit na siguro kailangan ko pang maging masama sa tingin ng iba ay okay na sa akin. It was selfish, but at the same time I couldn't think straight.

Love is good, alright. But sometimes, it makes you do bad things.

"Caer is getting married? Kanino?" I asked during one of the gatherings.

Euan shrugged off his shoulders. "Di pa naman sure. Pero may isang biyuda ang interesado sa kan'ya. You know how marriages are sometimes made out of convenience for the Soteiros, hindi ko lang alam kung makakatakas doon si Caer dahil hindi naman siya marunong humindi."

I didn't want to let go of the opportunity. I have to know more about the situation. So I took the risk and tried my best to get a hold of what's really happening.

It irked me that a woman who is far too old and obviously an opportunist would go chase Caer. She was rich, thanks to her multi-millionaire husband, yet a lot of unfavorable rumors circulated about her. Nakakatakot kung siya ang mapapangasawa ni Caer. I doubt that his parents would not agree, among the Soteiros—Caer's parents are the ones who want to keep the rich clan intact. Ayaw nilang may makapasok na hindi nila ka-level.

If that's the case, a skating prodigy and someone who's not bragging about their wealth might be the perfect match for Caer.

Napahilig ako sa swivel chair ko at pinagdaop ang aking mga kamay. Pinagiisipan ang bawat direksyon ng magiging desisyon ko. If I let Caer be married to that woman, he'll probably be in danger knowing her past. . .

Pero kung si Kaiaria. . .

"No!" Maagap na umiling si Kaiaria. "Tigilan mo nga ako, Caer doesn't have to be forced to get married. Please, leave him alone."

Nasa opisina kami ngayon. I invited her despite her current situation. She was sick but she didn't want to meet at the hospital. Hindi pa naman siya naka-confine pero madalas siyang isugod kapag umaatake ang sakit n'ya. I am not sure of her illness but it's close to her heart. Mahina ang kan'yang puso sa pagkakaalam ko.

"But Kaia, the opportunity is there. . ."

Kaia glanced at me. "He doesn't love me, Etienne. That changes everything. Kahit pa sabihin na natin na. . .hindi naman ako magtatagal sa mundo, I still want Caer to pursue someone he really loves."

I groaned, sounding frustrated. "Kaia naman, you'll be helping him!"

"Etienne, I don't want him to stay because he needs to. Of all people, ikaw ang may alam ng pakiramdam na kinakaawaan lang. You know where I'm coming from. . ."

Nawala ang kulay sa aking mukha. I completely understood her sentiment. Alam ko naman na desperado na ako. Alam ko naman na kung tutuusin ay ginagamit ko naman talaga silang dalawa para humarang sa posibilidad na bumalik si Lavy kay Caer.

She sighed exasperatedly. "I would love to help. Pero huwag ganito. Have some faith in Lavender. Hindi naman kayo magtatagal kung di siya seryoso sa 'yo."

I was guilty. It feels like I was betraying Lavy for not putting my trust on her. Gustuhin ko man, hindi ko pa rin makalimutan kung paano n'ya ako nagagawang iwan para kay Caer. A part of me knows the feeling of being left behind and I don't want to experience it once again. I don't want to be there again.

"Please help Caer." I said, pulling my last card. "If he won't marry you, he'll be married to Ursa Fuentabella. You can search for her and learn how that will be a bad thing for Caer."

Napaisip si Kaiaria. Bakas sa mukha n'ya ang pagkabagabag. My tongue gilded towards my left cheek. She's too kind for her own good. Papayag 'yan, I can sense it.

She breathed out. "Okay."

I smirked. "Alright, here's the plan —"

She shook her head. "A-ayoko sana malaman ni Caer na may kinalaman ako. I want him to think that we both don't want it. So if he'll break the engagement or call it off, he won't feel guilty. Hanggang sa may interes lang sa kan'ya si Ursa. . ."

I nodded. That's not my plan though. Kaiaria is easy to like. Maganda, mabait at hindi makasarili. I'm sure she'll capture his heart in no time. Mahina pa naman si Caer sa mga mababait na tulad n'ya. Kaya siguro hindi kami magkasundo.

Apart from helping him, it was a way to divert the attention of others. May mga nababalita rin kasi na si Lavy at Caer kahit hindi naman. Hindi ko alam bakit ang galing mag-imbento ng mga tao ng storya. Ang dali rin nila itong ipakalat. It's scary how easy it is to share news that is not true or reliable.

I orchestrated my plan meticulously. Pero hindi ko inaasahan ang isang pangyayari. . .

Namatay ang mama ni Lavender.

Fuck you, Alfos.

I was so preoccupied with my plan that I got careless with the security of the whole island.

Hindi man lang kami binigyan ng oras para mabigyan ng maayos na burol ang ina ni Lavy. She was heartbroken and in grief for the following days. I wanted to halt my plan because of it. Hayaan ko na lang na gumalaw ang sariling mundo sa sarili n'ya. But it scares me that if Lavender finds comfort in Caer, I would be tossed aside. She would forget me once again.

What if she's only with me because of her mother? At ngayon na wala na ang ina n'ya, p'wede na n'ya akong iwan muli?

My heart felt like a paper being crumpled over and over again. The image of them together can already tear me apart. Goodness! It's torture to even think about it!

Kaya naman kahit inaasahan ko na magagalit siya, I didn't anticipate that she would even break our relationship. She was probably fed up with all of my manipulation. She was glaring at me, her eyes brimming with tears.

"L-lavy," I casted down my glance and picked the necklace that she decided to throw.

"If you think I don't love you, then I don't. I don't love you, Etienne. Ayan? Okay na? I fucking confirmed your feelings!" she yelled, but her voice cracked. Parang hirap na hirap din siyang sabihin ang mga ito.

"Lavy, that isn't. . ."

"Tapos na tayo, Etienne. I don't want to be with someone who can't trust me. Pagod na akong patunayan na mahal kita. I always have to prove something. . ."

"L-lavy, sandali lang. . ." I tried to stop her. To beg her not to leave me. To at least try to listen to my explanation. Tinapatan n'ya lang ako ng isang malamig na tingin.

"Ayoko na sa 'yo. At kahit ikasal pa si CL sa iba, hinding-hindi na ako babalik sa 'yo. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't trust m-me. . ." Pinalis n'ya ang sarili n'yang mga luha.

"Minahal naman k-kita. Ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin para p-patunayan 'yon?" she said and I could hear the betrayal in her voice. I knew I was wrong for doing things in my own way.

"I loved you, pero ayoko na sa pagmamahal na pakiramdam ko ay kailangan palagi akong may papatunayan. I don't want a love that makes me feel cage because there's no assurance. Ayoko na sa pagmamahal na inuubos ako. . ."

My mouth couldn't move and I was unable to articulate words. Unti-unting nagiinit ang paligid ng aking mga mata. Is she really giving up on me? I just wanted to clear things for us. Ayoko lang na habangbuhay ako titira sa anino ni Caer.

"L-lavy, huwag naman ganito. I. . .I was the one at fault. I just became desperate because. . ."

"Because you think I'll choose CL over y-you?" her voice broke.

"I-I'm sorry, ako mismo ang gagawa ng paraan para hindi masunod 'yong kasal. I'll b-be good now, Lavy. I promise not to meddle with anyone's life. . ."

She breathed out. "That's good. . . Pero hindi na kita babalikan. I had enough of this. I want us to break up, Etienne. I can't be with someone who can't trust me."

She held my face and I turned my attention to her. "I can't be with you anymore. I w-was happy, but I'm not going to stay because of that. I want you to find someone who can love you without making you doubt their love. . ."

"Ikaw 'yon, L-lavy. . .Huwag mo a-akong iiwan, please. Hindi ko na 'yon gagawin. . ." I cried because she's the only one who can see me vulnerable. Siya lang ang taong kaya ko pakitaan ng kahinaan. I trust her but whenever Caer is near, I fear that she really did just love me because of what happened. Kahit anong pilit ko na intindihin na mahal n'ya talaga ako ay hindi pa rin nawawala ang agam-agam ko.

She smiled sadly and shook her head slowly. "I realized that you've done a lot of things for me. Pero napagtantuan ko rin na hindi ka naman dadaan sa mga sakit na 'yon kung hindi ako ang mahal mo, Etienne."

"Let's go home," I pleaded.

"No. It's time for you to go home, Etienne. Wala ng tayo."

"Lavy n-naman. . ."

Umiling siya sa akin. "I'm sorry if I wasn't worth the sacrifices. I know you have done a lot for me. Pero ayoko na, Etienne. Ayoko na habang tayo ay iniisip ko kung tama na ba ito? Sapat na ba ito? Will you feel appreciated if I did this or that? Para kitang hinahabol kahit hindi naman ito karera. . ."

"I can't love you the way you want to be loved. My love for you will never be enough. And I'm sorry that I have to go. I have to let myself know that we both deserve love without ever thinking of being enough. . ."

"Lavy, you're just upset. Huwag naman ganito. . ." I tried to reason out. "I can't lose you again. I have you now. . ."

"The moment you thought I still liked CL while I was in a relationship with you—you have already lost me. Gano'n ba kababaw ang tingin mo sa akin, Etienne?"

"Lavy. . ." I was crying. Ito ba ang sinasabi nila na masakit ang katotohanan? I feel awful for not trusting her love enough. Hindi ko alam na pati pala siya ay napupuno rin ng pagdududa.

"Etienne, huwag mo na a-akong pahirapan. I loved you so much that I know you deserved better. And I don't want you to settle with me, I can't give you the love you want. The love that you deserve. I tried. So hard. . ."

"I didn't mean it that way, alam ko naman na mahal mo ako. . A-alam ko lang din na baka kaya mo siyang mas mahalin."

She almost gasped. Kitang-kita ko ang sakit sa kan'yang mga mata.

"You know what hurts me the most? I thought you were different. I thought you wouldn't use it against me. I thought. . . My love was enough. Hindi pala talaga. We can't be together if it's always going to spiral down to this, Etienne."

Lumisan na siya matapos n'ya ito sabihin. I was shocked to see her going towards a car. She was desperate to flee away from me.

I tried to talk to her once again. I can do the right thing, aayusin ko ito dahil ako naman ang dahilan bakit naging ganito kami ngayon. Dapat ay hindi ko na pinakialaman si Caer. I should also apologize to him and let him know that the whole engagement is fake and he can always break it off. Alam din naman ni Kaia ang katotohanan sa likod ng engagement na 'yon. I'm sure the Soteiros would understand. If di nila kaya intindihin, I'll carry the liabilities.

I was ready to apologize and even beg Lavy to be with me again. Ang kaso ay nang sundan ko siya ay papunta siya kay Caer. They were laughing. Both of them felt familiar to each other. Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong tinik sa kanilang dalawa. I'm the only barrier that stops them from being together.

"Etienne. . ."

Hindi ko mapigilan ang magwala. I don't have anger issues. Pero sobra naman yata 'yon? She knew how Caer's appearance affected me. Sumama pa siya rito pagkatapos nilang magtawanan. Nakakatanga lang dahil hindi ko alam ang ginawa nila habang magkasama. I trust Lavy but sometimes her actions are just not living up to her words.

"Nandito ka ba para kunin gamit mo? I already pack them for you." My lips formed a smile. I could always fake one too. Sanay naman ako na hindi magpakita ng reaksyon.

Her lips parted and her eyes started to form tears. My heart clenched. Bakit ikaw pa ang iiyak ngayon? Is she confirming my hunch? That she broke up with me to finally be with Caer? Tanging ang nanay lang ba n'ya talaga ang naging ugnayan naming dalawa?

"A-ano?"

"Your things. Inayos ko na siya para sa 'yo, pakikuha na lang." I almost pleaded.

Umalis ka na dahil baka pigilan pa kita.

We were both tired.

"Etienne, about what happened last night. . . I. . ."

"Get your things, Lavender. Wala na akong pakialam sa inyo ni CL. Just go and be with him."

"Bakit ba damay na naman si CL? Palagi na lang bang madadamay 'yong tao kapag may nangyayari sa atin?! Etienne, what you did —"

"Kaya nga sumama ka na lang sa kan'ya 'di ba? If you feel so righteous, then be with him. Tangang-tanga na ako kakaisip sa 'yo. . . Tapos. . ." I blurted out, still trying to calm down. I could never shout at her. Galit ako pero hindi ko kayang ilabas sa kan'ya. That's why I'm begging her to just leave. "Please. Umalis ka na lang. Kung ayaw mo na, ayoko na rin, Lavender."

"I wasn't here for that."

"Tapos na tayo 'di ba? Get your stuff now, if you can't—ipapahatid ko na lang."

"You really w-want me gone?"

No, of course not.

I just want a rest from you.

I sighed exasperatedly. "I don't want confrontations from you. Pagod na akong intindihin ka. I know I was wrong. I know what I did was beyond evil. . . But you only prove that all these years, it was always CL. It will always be him."

"Etienne, bakit si CL na naman —"

"The moment that we broke up, the f-first person that you went to was him. Ano'ng gusto mong isipin ko? Mas gugustuhin mo pang kausapin siya kesa ayusin 'yong away natin. . ."

"Etienne —"

"Maybe you really did just pity me, guess what, Reverio? I don't want your pity anymore. Kung hindi mo ako kayang mahalin. . . Just let me go."

With a heavy heart, I uttered, "Thanks for the pity fuck, I guess?"

Nakita ko ang bigo sa kan'yang mukha. I couldn't take it anymore. Sinarado ko na ang pintuan at umiyak na nang tuluyan. She didn't knock anymore. She probably already left too. I have decided to pack her things with the thought that she can finally get rid of the burden in her chest. She doesn't need to love me anymore.

Malaya na siya sa akin.

I hope she can find the peace that she needs.

And so when we fell apart, I never talked about her. I never searched for her. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang maging malaya sa akin. I don't want her to think about me anymore either. All I wanted was for her to find her true love—not be with me because she pitied me.

I received a tape from the Reverios orchestrating a betrayal from Lavender. Pero ipinagsawalang bahala ko lang ito. Bukod kasi sa recorded audio tape, marami pa silang binibigay sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang makukuha nila kung sisiraan nila ang anak nila. It was beyond idiotic if you've asked me.

"Sure ka bang pinapatapon mo na lahat ng mga ito?" Paulene asked. "Baka may mahalaga."

"Nah," I disagreed. "Hayaan mo na 'yong mga nasa front desk d'yan. Start sorting the papers I have to sign, I'm a bit tired. . ."

"Pagod ka? Wala ka namang ginagawa?" Paulene's brow shot up. Tiningnan ko naman siya nang masama.

Siya ang bukod tanging mapanglait na secretary na kilala ko. Yet she's also one of the most genuine people that I know. Ewan ko ba bakit sa akin n'ya binibigay lahat ng sama ng loob n'ya. Tawagan ko kaya ex nito para mairita. I scoffed to myself.

"Sir, what if may anak ka na?"

I almost spilled my coffee. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. "Me? Do you see me fucking anyone, Paulene?"

"Huy! Hindi naman bold. Pero kasi ang lakas ng instincts ko dati na maaga ka magkaka-anak."

I shot an eyebrow up. "Why?"

Humagikhik siya. "Wala lang. Feeling ko lang ano," she laughed. "Hala, ang bastos ko."

Napahawak pa siya ng kan'yang bibig.

Kumunot naman ang noo ko sa kan'ya. She's clearly older than me but she acts like a child. Akala ko pa naman ako na ang pinaka-isip bata sa amin. Ano naman kaya ang iniisip n'yang bastos? I heard Gio was a good guy, siguro si Paulene na ang masama sa kan'ya.

And she was right. I did get someone pregnant. I learned about Leven through Snyder and I didn't know what to do at first. Ang gusto ko lang ay mabuo ang pamilya ko. It was hard because I knew it was my fault too.

It was torture to hear what Lavy have gone through without me. The judgements, the breakdowns and raising a kid all by herself.

Kasalanan ko naman pero siya ang umako.

Guilt engulfed my being. I was the one who didn't use the condom but the consequences were brought to her. At kahit naman pareho naming ginusto 'yon, parang siya lang ang nahirapan sa aming dalawa. Her sacrifices made me admire her more. I never thought my love for her would grow more—she really is full of surprises.

I love how even if I could help her get rid of her problems immediately, she never asked for help. Pero isa rin 'yon sa mga kinakatakutan ko sa kan'ya, she doesn't need anyone at all to stand out. She's brave, fierce and beautiful in every aspect.

I want her to know that her future battles are my battles as well. That I'm willing to listen to her even in the most difficult time. I would never close the door again.

I cried when she gave me another chance. I thanked every saint for granting an impossible prayer. I have hurt her, more than anyone, and even I would admit that I didn't deserve her love once again.

She kissed me on my lips to halt my thoughts. Napahawak ako sa kan'yang baywang habang pinupulupot n'ya ang kan'yang kamay sa aking balikat.

"Mukha ka namang tanga," she laughed. "Anong iniisip mo?"

We're having a barbeque party. Hindi ko alam bakit nagyaya si Lavender ngayon. Kasama sina Adren at Arrisea na ngayon ay nagluluto sa mismong grill. Paulene and Gio were preparing balloons; they even invited a few of our schoolmates like Sarathiel, Zafirah, Philo and Iscalade. For some reason, kinakabahan ako.

Gago.

Nagbago na ako.

Baka mamaya may binabalak silang masama sa akin. Nagsama-sama pa silang lahat. Ano namang laban ko? I didn't do anything bad—not to them, at least.

Natawa rin ako. "Lavyu."

"Ang landi!" Lavender chuckled. "I love you too," she uttered sincerely. My eyes were threatening to form tears. I love this woman so much. I love how she can solve her own problems. I love how she never gave up even if everything wasn't on her side anymore. I love how she can reflect on her own actions. I love her. That's just it.

"Papa!" Leven leaped out of nowhere. "Look! Pinapabigay sa 'yo. It's a big balloon!"

Namutla naman ako. Goodness, iba na tuloy ang naiisip ko. Mabuti na lang na tunay na lobo ang hawak n'ya. It was a huge black balloon. My heart felt warm.

May hawak si Lavender na karayom. A kind smile graced her beautiful face. "Surprise!"

Kinuha ko sa kan'ya ang karayom at sinubukan putukin ang lobo. They gasped while I flinched because of the explosion of the balloon.

Nagulat ako nang makita ang isang papel sa mismong hawakan ng lobo.

Tatay ka na, ulit, tanga.
Congrats.

"Euan gave me the idea," Lavy chuckled. Sige lang, mamaya 'yon sa akin. Ang lakas mangasar, siya naman ang pikon.

I can only blink the tears away. Naiiyak dahil mukhang gagawa talaga kami ng baseball team. Leven cheered because finally the sibling that he prayed for will be here soon with us.

"Ano meaning ng tang—" Leven was cut off by his mother who hugged him tightly. We should really be more mindful of our words around Leven.

I could see Euan, Caer and Snyder clapping and cheering on the side too. I can only smile at them genuinely.

Humarap sa akin si Lavender.

I kissed her tender lips and she gave it back to me. She kissed me back with the assurance that even if we only had bits of chemistry—our love will never diminish. It wouldn't be erased in history.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪Solstice Lavender Reverio Soteiro❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜