Kabanata 7

Etienne was as pure as the white fur of a rabbit; soft and pristine. Hindi nga n'ya magawang magalit nang matagal. Marunong lamang siyang magtampo ngunit hindi siya nagagalit, he never shows any sign of aggressive behavior. He would never do anything that could harm any individual.

"You didn't pass the special science class?" ulit ko habang nakita na kasama pa rin siya sa listahan ng mga kaklase ko sa susunod na school year.

"I didn't pass the exam. It was hard, Lavy." Etienne fidgeted his fingers.

Hindi ako makapaniwala. Pilit n'yang iniiwas ang tingin sa akin. Nagawa pa n'yang pumalumbaba sa kan'yang desk at tumingin sa malapit na bintana.

Nagtangis naman ang bagang ko sa irita. That's impossible, ayon sa mga ibang nakapasok ng special science class ay inulit na lamang ang mga tanong sa nakaraang test para mas sigurado na pasok na sila.

"You're lying, aren't you?"

"Why would I lie?" he gulped. Liar.

"Hindi ko rin alam. Bakit nga ba? The special science class would advance you to more opportunities, Etienne."

Bahagyang napanguso si Etienne. His eyelashes fluttered because of his sudden movement, somehow, he looks agitated. Pakiramdam ko ay tila isa siyang batang nahuling may ginagawang masama.

"Ayaw mo ba ako'ng maging kaklase?" tanong n'ya sa maliit na tono. Agad naman na nagkaroon ng yupi ang aking noo.

"Teka? Bakit mo nilalayo ang usapan? Of course, I still want to be your classmate. Saan mo naman nakuha 'yang ideya na 'yan?"

"Then, stop asking about it. Ayoko roon."

"Bakit nga? Sayang naman." I sighed, putting my feet on the top of my classmate's seat.

It was our school year's end party. I was wearing a black mesh sleeve A-line dress despite my protest. Si Dayanara ang namili ng damit ko dahil ang ilan sa mga anak ng kaibigan n'ya ay kaklase ko. She probably heard reports about me being tacky, which wasn't true. Hindi ko lang talaga alam bakit kailangan mag-ayos kung araw-araw naman ako'ng nauumay sa pagmumukha nila.

I want to feel beautiful because I want to, not because they want me to be pleasing in their eyes. There's a difference. My beauty isn't based from their perspective but my own.

At para sa akin, maganda ako kahit basahan pa ang damit ko. Pakialam ko ba sa kanila? If they can't appreciate me, it's their loss.

"Ayaw mo ba ako makasama, Lavy?"

"That's not the point, Etienne." I, once again, sighed. Paikot-ikot na lang kami.

Days after that event, parang binuhusan ng gas ang galit ko nang may malaman ako'ng ginawa ni Etienne. Sinugod ko siya sa kanilang mansion nang walang pasabi.

"Nasaan po si Etienne?" hinihingal kong saad. The caretaker only pointed towards his room.

Tumango ako.

Pumanhik ako patungo roon na may mabibigat na yapak. I even folded my sleeves because I was ready to smack his head for doing something stupid.

He purposely failed his exam for the special science class.

Ang dahilan? Hindi ko rin alam. Napagusapan lang ito sa faculty ng mga teachers dahil handang-handa na pala ang mga nasa special science class para kay Etienne. It was almost a conundrum for them. Walang makahula kung bakit binagsak ni Etienne ang sarili n'yang exam.

I knock on the door as hard as I could. Hindi kayang pigilan ang naiiritang pakiramdam para sa kan'ya. Kakaltukan ko talaga ang isang 'yon!

The door harshly opened. Hindi si Etienne ang bungad sa akin bagkus isang pamilyar na bulto ng tao ang humarap sa akin ngayon. She was tall, slender and had an uptight appearance.

"Yes?"

Her voice made me shiver. Ang tono nito ay masyadong marahas. I wasn't expecting that from her since most of the servants here are actually docile because of Ttia Ellise. Napalunok ako at umiwas ng tingin sa kan'ya.

"Pwede po ba kay Etienne?" I spoke, almost inaudible. I fear that she might use her tone once again. Hindi ko alam kung judgmental ba talaga ako o sadyang hindi kaaya-aya ang kan'yang tono.

"We're currently having our study session, is it important?" her voice tone down a bit. Nanatili namang strikto ang kan'yang tingin, she seems from a European descent base from her features. High bridge nose, freckles and droopy eyes.

"Hindi naman po," I backed out. Umatras ako at pinanood ang pagsara n'ya ng pintuan ng kwarto ni Etienne. In the back of my head, I wanted to say that it was important but strange enough, my tongue felt like it was being pulled backwards. Ayaw nitong magsalita.

So, I didn't visit Etienne that day.

A few days passed and Etienne didn't attend our classes. Nagtanong ako kina Tita Ellise ngunit wala naman silang nasagot sa akin bukod sa masama ang kan'yang pakiramdam. I wanted to text Etienne but my petty heart cannot stand the fact that he purposely failed his exams for some reason. Hindi ko matanggap na sinasayang n'ya ang galing n'ya.

"You want to become a doctor?" tanong ni Tanya sa akin, one of my classmates. She was inspecting our essays to be passed for our English class.

Agad naman akong tumango. That's right, I want to become a doctor in the future.

Bahagyang natawa si Tanya. She even covered her mouth to suppressed her laugh which didn't sit well with me. Ano'ng nakakatawa sa essay ko? Her eyes momentarily lingered on me as if what I've said was absurd.

"You mean, a nurse? Right?" she asked, making me rose an eyebrow in the process.

"I mean as a doctor, Tanya. Although there's nothing wrong with being a nurse. Bakit ba parang ayaw mo maniwala? I know it's hard but I'm serious. Maga-aral ako nang mabuti para rito."

I wasn't an academic achiever, that's for sure. Pero hindi rin naman 'yata ako bulakbol. Nakakahiya rin kaya na maging tamad lalo na kung napapalibutan ka ng mga matatalino, hindi pa nakatutulong na gusto ni Dayanara na hindi kami natataasan ni Kuya Adren.

"But being a doctor is a hard job, bukod doon ay time-consuming pa ito para sa isang babae. It would even take years before you become a doctor. Baka mas bagay sa 'yo ang mag-asawa na lang ng doctor?" Tanya suggested, not thinking it through.

Ano ba ang hindi n'ya maintindihan sa sinabi ko?

"Having a doctor as a husband is nice," I affirmed by nodding my head. "But being a doctor is even greater. Bakit ba? Ako naman ang maga-aral kung sakali at ako rin naman ang mahihirapan kung sakali."

"But what about your future family? Will you hire a nanny? Hahayaan mo na hindi lumaki sa alaga mo ang anak mo? Or are you even considering having a family in the first place?" sunod-sunod n'yang bira.

"Yeah, I do want a family. Bakit naman magiging sagabal ang pagiging doctor ko sa pagkakaroon ng pamilya?" I asked, completely confused.

"Because, you won't be able to fulfill your duties as a mother! Magiging busy ka sa trabaho mo at walang gagabay sa mga magiging anak mo," Tanya stated, almost like a fact that everyone knows.

My forehead knotted upon hearing her sentiment. Hindi ko mapigilan isipin na ang babaw naman ng pangunawa n'ya. I could be a doctor and still have a family, hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop ng mundo n'ya nakuha ang ideya na ito. Men can be doctors and still be a great father to their families. Why can't women be viewed the same way?

Pursuing my dream won't hinder my potential as a mother in the future. Hindi lang naman pinanganak ang isang babae upang maging ina; she shouldn't sacrifice her dreams just because people expect her to be a full-time mother.

"Being a mother and a doctor is hard, Solstice. Mahirap din naman ang pagiging nurse pero mas maikling panahon ang igugugol mo sa paga-aral kumpara sa pagiging isang doctor. This is just a piece of advice as a friend, Solstice. Pick better judgements," she slightly smiled at me while waving my paper in the air.

Umawang ang labi ko. And now she's trying to form a hierarchy on medical related jobs? Kulang 'yata sa tulog si Tanya e.

"Well, I can be a doctor and a mother, fortunately." Ngiti ko kay Tanya. "Piece of advice? Mind your own business."

Napawi ang ngiti n'ya dahil sa inakto ko. Dapat lang. Her mindset needs to be change, she's only a solid product of a men dominated world. Ano'ng petsa na ngunit bulag pa rin siya sa kung papaano nabubuo ang double standards sa lipunan natin.

However, the thought bothered me, what she said made me doubt myself. That's something I have to admit. Wala naman sa mga Reverio ang nasa industriya ng mga doktor, lahat sila ay halos mga nasa negosyo at pagpapalawak ng mga ari-arian ang pinagkakaabalahan. Hindi rin alam ni Dayanara at Alfos ang tungkol dito. I doubt my grandfather would even care, he still views us as hindrances to Kuya Adren.

I plopped on my bed. What a tiring day. I miss Etienne. Kahit na sa totoo lang ay may pagtatampo ako sa kan'ya. I couldn't deny the fact that I miss his presence. Siya na nga lang ang madalas kong kausap, siya pa ngayon ang wala.

Minabuti ko ang bumisita muli sa kanila. Nilunok ko na ang pagtatampo ko dahil gusto ko na lamang siya makita. I waited in their receiving area, wala na naman si Tita Ellise dahil nasa isang auction event ito ng mga Esmael. Hindi pa rin ako sinipot ni Etienne at kahit sinabi ko pa ito sa mga helper nila, walang Etienne ang tumambad sa akin.

Ang namuong tampo ay napalitan ng pagaalala.

I never thought I'd crave for his presence.

"Nakausap mo na ba si Etienne?" nagaalalang tanong ni CL sa akin. He knows that Etienne and I are not speaking to each other anymore.

"Hindi pa," tugon ko.

"We spoke with him yesterday, naglaro kasi ng golf sina Uncle at Auntie dahil family week namin. Wala naman siyang nabanggit na may hidwaan kayo."

I tilted my head towards his direction. Natigilan ako sa paglalakad at napahinto kami sa gitna ng daan. We were supposed to go to the cafeteria, pero nawawalan na ako ng gana kumain.

"What about last week?"

"Well, I heard he went out with Kaiaria to skate. Kasama rin naman nila si Euan dahil nagyaya si Kaiaria. That's all I know. . ."

Parang piniga ang puso ko sa narinig.

Mas masakit pala para sa akin na malaman ko na kinakausap sila ni Etienne. Si Kaiaria pala ay kasama n'yang mag-skating noong isang linggo. Pinagmumura ko si Etienne sa utak ko nang malaman 'yon.

"Are you okay? Gusto mo ba kausapin ko si Etienne para makapag-usap kayo?"

I shook my head. Hindi naman nakumbinsi si CL kahit na pinakita ko na okay lang talaga kung walang balak si Etienne na pansinin ako. He's too random, dapat nga ay ako ang galit sa kan'ya dahil sa binagsak n'ya ang grades n'ya.

When Etienne finally attended our classes, I took my chance to talk to him. Hindi ko na pinalampas pa ang pagkakataon upang malaman kung bakit hindi n'ya ako pinapansin. Before our break time, hinigit ko na siya sa isang sulok. I was taken aback because he looked frail and sallow. Hindi rin siya makatingin sa akin nang diretso.

"Etienne," malamig kong saad. "Mag-usap tayo."

"Ayoko," he answered back, coldly.

"Bakit?! Hindi ba't dapat ako ang galit sa 'yo? Bakit mo binagsak ang sarili mo sa exams? Bakit mo ako iniiwasan? At bakit ka lumabas kasama si Kaiaria?!" sunod-sunod kong tanong. Parang pinakawalan ko ang inipon kong sama ng loob sa kan'ya. My chest deflated upon spitting those words out.

Hindi agad nakasagot si Etienne. His grey eyes were too clouded with different emotions. Hindi ko ito mabasa. He sighed as he gently removes my hands off him.

"Ano naman sa 'yo 'yon? You don't see me giving some shit whenever you go out with CL, right? Ano naman sa 'yo kung lumalabas ako nang di ka kasama?" he snarled, which caught me off guard.

My lips parted. Regret crossed his eyes as he drifted his eyesight away from me. Napa-buntonghininga si Etienne nang wala sa oras.

"I'm sorry, Lavy. I didn't mean that. I just need some space away from you."

"B-bakit?" I asked, despite the growing lump on my throat.

"I. . ." he stuttered, yumuko siya at muling iniwas ang tingin. Parang sinaksak ako ng isang punyal dahil sa naging reaksyon n'ya. I am strong but I never thought Etienne would act this way.

"Gusto ko masanay na wala ka. I'm sorry, Lavy. Please stay away from me, from now on." He spoke, harshly. It made me flinched.

"Ano munang ginawa ko? Bakit gusto mo akong lumayo?!" I trembled, biting my lip because I didn't want to cry.

Hindi n'ya ako sinagot. Para siyang nasasaktan sa paraan kung paano n'ya ako tingnan. His eyes wavered as he slowly steps back away from me. Hindi ko siya hinayaan makalayo sa akin, I held him on his arm. I pulled his polo and saw something that made me gasped. Nabitawan ko siya nang wala sa oras at agad siyang nakawala.

He didn't look back.

Tuluyan na siyang lumayo sa akin.

Nanginginig naman ako sa aking kinatatayuan.

Why does he have cigarette burns on his arm? Is Etienne smoking?

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜