TW: death

Kabanata 48

The following months went by and the both of us shared our ideas on how to co-parent. While Leven does try to make us closer, gumagawa rin naman kami ni Etienne ng paraan upang mawala ang awkwardness sa aming dalawa. We wasted six years already. . . I really just want to try to make it right this time.

"Do you want me to announce Leven? Sa company? Sa friends?" tanong ni Etienne habang nagbabate ng itlog.

I glanced at him, one eyebrow being lifted. "You have friends?"

"Adren? Paulene? Arrisea? The list goes on?" he shrugged.

Napangisi naman ako. I'm sure he only mentioned three because he didn't have a lot of friends. Agad na napawi ang ngisi ko nang makita ko na nanginginig si Etienne habang inaabot 'yong cutter. I couldn't blame him, something traumatic did happen to him and most people acted like he was part of it — he wasn't a victim.

Nakakalungkot lang na ang coping mechanism n'ya ang ang paglimot sa nangyari. Most of us, even way before, do avoid the topic because it might trigger some painful memories for Etienne. Ayoko rin na ibalik siya sa mga alaalang binaon siya sa lungkot.

Kinuha ko ang cutter sa kan'yang kamay. "Saan mo gagamitin?"

"Open," tipid na sagot n'ya at tinuro ang isang lalagyanan na mukhang mahirap buksan. It's an ingredient for his scrambled eggs. Nagtataka nga ako dahil scrambled eggs lang pero ang daming pakulo.

Binuksan ko ito gamit nung cutter. I saw Etienne looking anxious, nginitian ko naman siya pinakitang hindi ako nasugatan. He sighed, out of relief.

I normally would think that we were too close right now. Pero masaya ako na kahit papaano ay ginagawa namin ang tungkulin namin nang hindi tinatanong kung ano ba talaga kami.

"I have to go," paalam ko kay Etienne habang tinutulungan n'ya si Leven na maglagay ng mga worksheets sa bag nito.

Leven has Kumon today. Pero mas excited si Leven na tikman ang baon na ginawa ng papa n'ya para sa kan'ya.

"You decorated his lunch box?" Puna ko nang makita ang kinuha ni Etienne na tupperware. It felt a little too cute, parang hindi siya ang gumawa. The rice was shaped into bunnies, the eggs into ducks, and the main dish was reshaped into a bear. Nougat candies were even turned into roses to appease the entire look of the lunch box.

Hindi ko maiwasan ang mapatikhim. Anong laban ng sunog na chicken nuggets at nagpapawis na hotdog ko riyan? Hindi naman maarte si Leven sa pagkain pero mamaya ay baka maghanap ng gan'yan sa akin ang anak ko.

"Bakit gan'yan ginawa mo?" tanong ko kay Etienne habang nilalagay n'ya sa bag ni Leven ang baon nito.

He pouted, and promptly his mood went sour. "Hindi ako nagpapatalo sa dinosaur."

"Gago," I laughed. Mabuti na lang na wala na si Leven sa sala.

We have helpers inside the mansion. Tuluyan na rin kaming nakalipat dito at madalas ay nandito si Tita Ellise. She guides me when it comes to other duties that I overlook. Nakakatuwa dahil ginagabayan n'ya ako nang hindi sinisisi sa akin ang nangyari.

Sana gano'n din si Dayanara. Up until now, she's contacting me to save their faces. Kung hindi lang siguro dahil kay Mareena ay baka matagal ko na siyang na-block sa lahat ng contacts namin. I wanted to live without them but Mareena is someone that I can't simply cut off. Hindi naman siya kasalanan ang pagiging toxic ng magulang namin. She's also too young to experience this. Napapabungtonghininga na lang ako nang wala sa oras.

Hinatid ni Etienne si Leven patungo sa Kumon nito. Ako naman ay diretso na sa hospital para sa trabaho. My day was sailing well until a call from tita Ellise made my feet cemented on the floor.

"Can you g-go home? And comfort Etienne for m-me please?" Umiiyak na saad ni tita Ellise.

My lips parted. Kanina ay okay lang sila ah? Nahatid pa nga ni Etienne si Leven. My heart was pounding hard against my chest. Hindi ako mapakali bigla. Pinilit ko maging kalmado at tumango.

"Pauwi na po ako, tita. . ."

The urgency in her voice made me jolt towards my car just to arrive in time for Etienne. Pagkarating ko sa sala ay agad akong naghanap ng mga nakasaksi o mga p'wedeng makausap na nakakita kay Etienne. Upon spotting a few helpers on the living room area, tinanong ko agad sa mga helpers kung may nangyari ba sa kan'ya o kay Leven. Umiling-iling naman sila sa akin.

"Ma'am, wala naman po. Umakyat lang si Sir Etienne habang may hawak na envelope. Nagmamadali nga po. . ."

I nodded and thanked her before slowly walking towards the stairs. Hindi pa ako tuluyan na nakaakyat ay ramdam ko na ang umaakyat na kaba sa aking dibdib.

Pinilig ko ang ulo ko. I should stop overthinking about it. Pinilit ko ang aking mga hita na ipagpatuloy ang paglalakad patungo sa kwarto ni Etienne.

I raise my hand to knock, tatlong sunod-sunod na katok ang ginawa ko. It wasn't the urgent kind of knock, it was the one that tells him that I'm behind the door and if he's ready to open it for me — I'll be there for him and even if he doesn't want to let me in, I'm willing to listen behind the door.

"You can go in," may mahinang boses na sumagot mula sa kabilang panig.

I opened the door and Etienne in his disheveled state looked at me. Namumugto ang mga mata at mukhang hindi alam ang gagawin. Nanginginig pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. The last time that I saw him like this.

"M-may nangyari b-ba?" Pinuntahan ko siya at agad na pinalingon sa akin.

His eyes were bloodshot while he was sobbing like an abandoned kid. Lumamlam ang mga mata ko at pinunasan ang mga luha n'ya.

"She. . .killed herself." Etienne sobbed. "Because a-according to her, she felt g-guilty for making me suffer b-because of my dad. . ."

"Etienne. . ."

"Did she think that her death will make me feel free? Would it change anything? A-akala ba n'ya. . .limot ko na lahat? I badly want to. . . I really want to. . ." Humilig siya sa aking balikat.

"She made me think that anyone wants to violate me and b-because I'm a boy, no one would believe me. Kasi nga. . ." his tears were staining my shirt.

Ramdam ko ang bumabaon na luha sa aking damit. I caressed his back to try to make him feel that he's not alone.

"I hate everyone who thinks love isn't hard to get. B-bakit ang dali-dali lang n-nilang nakuha 'yong pag-ibig na gusto nila? It's so fucking unfair. . ." Etienne cried in my arms. I embraced him and cradled him like a wounded child.

"She s-shouldn't have done that. B-bakit kailangan kong magdusa sa kasalanan na siya naman ang gumawa?" Etienne said in anguish.

Maybe she didn't want to live in guilt. Siguro ay napagtantuan n'yang mali na inabuso n'ya si Etienne. The trauma will always be there, you just live. . . with it.

Hinayaan ko lang si Etienne na umiiyak habang ina-alo ko siya. When he was too tired from crying, hindi ko siya hinayaan mag-isa. Tinulungan ko siyang makapunta sa kama at hiniga roon. I swept a few strands out of his forehead and kissed it. Pinanood ko si Etienne na makatulog pero hindi ko inakala na dadalawin din ako ng antok.

I decided to take a quick nap beside him since he was sleeping peacefully too. Siguro ay naungkat lang kanina ang mga tinatago n'yang sakit. Gano'n naman talaga kung minsan — after we cry it out, we still have to live for the day.

"Lavy," tawag ni Etienne.

"Ano?" I asked, yawning. Hindi pa ako naalimpungatan nang mapansin na nasa ibabaw ng dibdib ni Etienne ang ulo ko.

"Ah," I blushed. "Gising ka n-na?"

"Pinto," Etienne said with his eyes widened. "Hindi mo sinara."

Lalo akong pinamulahan ng pisngi. I weakly punched his chest. "Gago! Bakit ko isasara 'yong pinto?!"

"Si Leven. . ."

"Ano?!"

"Nasa pintuan si Leven." Etienne said, eyes still blinking in a fast motion.

Nalaglag ang panga ko sa isiniwalat n'ya. Unti-unting binaling ang tingin patungo sa pintuan kung saan nandoon ang anak namin na nanglalaki rin ang mga mata.

Leven was standing there with his mouth agape. Kitang-kita ang tuwa sa kan'yang mga mata dahil nanginginig siya at mukhang sasabog sa sobrang saya.

"L-leven. . ." I gasped. Napabalikwas ako nang wala sa oras. My hair was currently in a haywire, si Etienne naman ay medyo magulo rin ang itsura dahil nga kagagaling lang sa pag-iyak.

"Ano. . ." Leven fidgeted his fingers before looking at us once again.

Nagulat ako dahil tumakbo siya papalayo. My eyes widened a fraction before I departed from the bed and immediately followed my son. Hinabol ko siya hanggang sa makapunta kami sa sala.

Hingal na hingal kami nang makarating sa ibaba. Leven was jumping towards Snyder who looked confused, his eyebrows furrowing while his hands were in his pockets. Nakasuot siya ng isang puting polo shirt at beige na slacks. Ang buhok n'yang may kahabaan ay medyo maayos ang itsura ngayon. Siya siguro ang sumundo kay Leven mula sa Kumon nito.

"Saan ka galing, Leven?"

"Nagawa sila ng baby sa itaas," bulong ni Leven kay Snyder na rinig na rinig ko naman.

"Lavy?" Lumingon sa akin si Snyder.

I gasped and shook my head repeatedly. Kitang-kita ko ang pagiging judgemental ni Snyder dahil agad siyang ngumiwi.

"That's not t-true!"

Umiling-iling si Leven. "Nakapatong si Mama kay Pa—"

"Ang ulo ko lang! Leven!" I was panting because of the adrenaline pushing through my veins. "It's not what you think it is, Snyder!"

"Magkatabi sila sa kama!" giit ni Leven, ang mga maliliit na kamay ay nakakuyom pa.

"Sino ba nagtuturo sa 'yo ng mga gan'yan?" I frustratedly asked in the air.

The ending of that scene is Etienne and I got scolded by Snyder. Para kaming mga teenager na nahuling may ginagawang kababalaghan — in my defense, nothing really happened.

"Gumamit kayo?" Snyder crossed his arms across his chest. Sumandal pa siya sa isang pader habang tinititigan kami. Pinaakyat n'ya si Leven.

"Walang nangyari nga!" I said, nangangamatis na ang mga pisngi.

"Nothing happened, Snyder." Etienne sighed. "Saka mayroon na ako palagi sa wallet —"

"Etienne!" I flushed because of his statement.

"What?" Etienne groaned, his voice coming off as hoarse.

Napailing-iling sa amin si Snyder. Mukhang hindi pa rin convince na wala nga talagang nangyari.

Hindi nagtagal ay mas nasanay na ako sa pagiging malapit namin ni Etienne. Although our current situation is still not announced in the public, ramdam ko naman na unti-unti na kaming bumabalik ni Etienne sa dati. We were acting more than friends but less than lovers. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano ang mayroon sa aming dalawa.

Baka kasi kapag tinanong ko ay baka ma-pressure siya na kailangan ay may namamagitan sa aming dalawa. I really just want us to be civil because of Leven.

Yet as days pass, as the hands of time move, and as the day becomes night — I feel closer to him more than ever. Lalo na dahil pinapakita n'ya talaga ang pagmamahal sa anak namin.

"Kailan lalabas si baby sister ko?" Leven asked while his whole head was on my tummy.

"Walang baby, Leven." I laughed and enveloped him in a quick hug.

"Kailan mo lalagyan, Papa?" baling ni Leven kay Etienne na nasamid.

Umiling-iling si Etienne. "No plans. . ."

Ngumuso si Leven. "Bagal mo, Papa."

Iniwasan ko tingnan si Etienne dahil ayoko makita n'ya ang reaksyon ko. We're okay now, we act like a family. It's just we still have knots left untangled.

Isang araw ay may tumawag sa akin. It was from a familiar number, sinagot ko ito dahil may masama akong pakiramdam. My heart was thumping against my chest.

"Ate. . ." Mareena was crying in the other line. "Nag-a-away si Mommy at Daddy. . ."

"Is it because of the company?" I sighed and bit my fingernail. "I'm really trying, Mareena. Hindi lang talaga nagpapatalo si Kuya at saka si Etienne. I could try to at least give you a percent, but being the head would be difficult. Lalo na wala akong posisyon sa kompanya. . ."

She cried louder. "Daddy is cheating. . .nalaman ni Mommy. I don't know what to do anymore. Lalo silang nagkakagulo sa bahay. A-ate, I just want to go home. . . but I don't have a home to go to."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko habang naririnig ang paghikbi n'ya. This is why even if it's almost impossible, I'm still trying to get into the Reverios. Nahihirapan lang ako dahil malakas din talaga ang kapit ni Adren.

"And Mommy is making Ate Tatiana do things for the company. . ." Mareena sobbed, panic laced in her voice. "P-paano kung ako naman? What will I do? Papayag din b-ba ako? Magamit ni Mommy at Daddy?"

"Mareena, calm down. . ." I said. "Pupuntahan kita riyan, okay? We'll go far away from them."

Nagulat ako dahil sa may malakas akong narinig. Isang tunog ng paglapat ng isang kamay sa isang pisngi. My heart raced upon knowing what possibly happened on the other side.

"Nagsusumbong ka?! You brat! Pagkatapos kitang alagaan ay ganito ang igaganti mo sa akin?!" Dayanara's screams were heard on the line.

"Mommy —"

"Magsama kayo ng Papa mo! Sinira n'yo ang buhay ko! Sinira n'yo ako! Hinding-hindi ako papayag na magiging masaya kayo —"

The call was dropped. Lalong umakyat ang kaba at takot sa aking dibdib. I tried to dial the number again but there was no response anymore. I texted Etienne if he can at least trace where the call was from. Kailangan kong puntahan si Mareena ngayon. I have to save her. . .because I couldn't save Solstice before. I have to be there for Mareena.

"Etienne," I called through a phone call.

"Lavender? Nasaan ka?" tanong pabalik ni Etienne.

"Bahay."

"Good, stay there. May hinahanap kami."

He sounded agitated which made me frown. May alam din ba siya?

"Bakit?"

"Tatiana. . ." Etienne sighed. "She pushed Arrisea on the stairs."

My heart shattered. "What the?!"

"Nagkakagulo sila ngayon. Dayanara and Alfos did the company dirty but they were smart enough to make Tatiana the scapegoat. Hinahanap namin ngayon si Tatiana. May posibilidad din na baka gumanti siya sa mga Reverios, they really did pushed her on the dirt. Lahat ng atraso ng mga Reverio ay sa kan'ya nilalagay."

My mouth fell apart. Hindi ko alam paano ipoproseso ang mga nalaman ko. I know that she was going to be part of a bigger picture. Hindi ko lang inaasahan na ganito ang magiging role n'ya.

"Kamusta si Arrisea?" I asked, out of concern. I was pacing back and forth while listening to Etienne.

Hindi ako mapakali at hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging susunod kong hakbang.

"She's obviously not fine. . ." Etienne answered, hesitantly. "She was pregnant, Lavy. Wala pa kaming balita tungkol sa bata pero kanina pa umiiyak si Adren."

Nanginginig ako sa galit. I am a mother and I know how it feels when your child is in danger.

"Etienne," I let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay here."

I am trying to compose a proper plan in my head. Pero iniisip ko pa lang ang kalagayan ng mga kapatid ko ay natutuliro na rin ako. Mareena is in danger. Dayanara and Alfos are still making the same mistakes because they haven't learned a thing from their past. Adren is currently in distress because the love of his life is fighting for her life. Naiiyak na lang ako dahil sa mga kagagawan ni Alfos, wala rin silang pagsisisi kaya naman wala lang sa kanila kung may nadadamay na iba. Moreso, our own family is broken because of them.

I don't want that.

Apart from being a doctor, I discovered my long time dream today.

I want to build a family where we will always understand and love each other. Hindi ganitong klaseng pamilya. I want Leven and Etienne to experience the bond of a family that isn't broken.

I want them to have something that I couldn't have before.

"Lavy —"

Napangiti naman ako nang malungkot. "I have to fix their mess. Hindi ko hahayaan na mas dumami ang mga madamay dahil kay Dayanara. I should have done this a long time ago. Please just keep in mind that if something happens to me, mahal na mahal ko kayo ni Leven. . .I'll be back, I promise. We'll still build a family together."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜