Kabanata 47

I will meet the Soteiros this day. Hindi naman ito ang unang beses na nakaharap ko sila. They're also harmless and I have met more cunning people than them. Malaki man ang problema ko kay Etienne, labas naman dito ang kan'yang mga magulang. They were the sweetest despite of their genuine concern over my feelings for their son, hindi nila kailanman hinadlangan ang relasyon naming dalawa.

I bit my lower lip as I played with my pearl bracelet. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagtatahip-tahip ng dibdib ko dahil sa dumadaloy na kaba sa aking sistema. After that night, Etienne became more distant. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba natauhan siya o dahil mas naging malinaw sa kan'ya ang mga pinagdaanan ko.

It isn't easy for me to accept him again.

"Mama, galit ka ba kay papa?" tanong ni Leven habang inaayos ko ang sintas ng kan'yang sapatos.

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. "No, of course not. Okay naman kami ng papa mo, Leven. Bakit? May sinabi ba siya sa 'yo?"

Kung gaano ka-clingy noon si Etienne, ngayon naman ay sobrang ilap n'ya. May araw pa nga kung saan hindi n'ya inaangat ang kan'yang ulo para hindi magtagpo ang tingin namin. I feel guilty somehow yet deep inside me, I know that it was for the best. All I did want was a civil or casual relationship. Any more than that will only make things hard for us once again. We'll keep bringing the past mistakes we did that harmed the love that we had for each other.

Hindi lang naman kaming dalawa ang apektado kung sakali, Leven will also be torn between the both of us. Ayoko naman na lumaki na gano'n si Leven.

"Wala naman. Pero ang tahimik ni papa ngayon, dati kasi kinukwento n'ya sa akin ang love story n'yo. . ."

I sighed. Pinilit ko ang ngumiti at hinaplos ko ang tuhod ni Leven. "Ano ang kuwento n'ya?"

"Na may knight daw na nagligtas sa isang prince. . ."

"Princess?"

Leven slightly shook his head. "No, a prince. That prince was very lonely due to a witch's curse, making him feel there are monsters on his head but a knight helped him defeat the monsters. . . ang kaso lang ay hindi naparamdam ng prince na mahalaga 'yong knight sa kan'ya dahil pakiramdam n'ya magugulo lang n'ya ang buhay nito. . ."

My lips parted and I tried not to get emotional by stifling a sob. I know that our story is messy and anyone who would hear it will probably think that it can be resolved with a kiss or a form of truce. Pero paano nga ba nakaka-alpas sa mga kadenang nagpapaalala sa amin na ilang ulit na namin sinubukan pero sa huli ay pareho kaming nabibigo?

"May epal pa raw na dinosaur. . ."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Dinosaur?"

"Dinocaer! Roar!" Leven imitated the sound and giggled. Niyakap n'ya ako pagkatapos n'yang sabihin 'yon.

Binuhat ko na si Leven dahil naglalambing siya. He was already big and heavy, pero hindi pa rin ramdam ng bisig ko ang bigat n'ya. Pagkarating namin sa sala ay sinalubong kami ng dalawang pamilyar na tao.

Tita Ellise was wearing a white pleated dress while Tito Eije was in his white polo and black slacks. Wala sa kanilang mukha ang kanilang edad, they only look a bit older than us but they don't look like people in their fifties.

"Lavender!" Tita Ellise gasped. Nanglalaki ang mga mata n'ya nang makita na buhat-buhat ko si Leven.

Leven mirrored their expressions. He has the same amount of curiosity and genuine questioning in his eyes. Nagulat lang si Leven nang umiyak si Tita Ellise, she cried like she was wounded. Sa kan'yang pag-iyak ay lalo akong kinain ng guilt dahil sa ginawa ko at sa naging desisyon ko.

"I'm so s-sorry, you must have gone through a lot. I wasn't there f-for you. . ." paghingi ng paumanhin ni tita Ellise. She kept on crying and my heart warmed.

Akala ko magagalit siya.

Akala ko magagalit sila.

Tito Eije peered in my direction. His eyes expressed massive remorse as he adjusted his eyeglasses.

"We can't replace or pay for all the damages done in the past. But we're willing to cover everything in the future," ani Tito Eije.

Umiling-iling naman ako. "I can provide for my child."

"We can provide for our child," someone said from the staircase. Napalingon naman ako rito at nakitang pababa pa lang si Etienne.

He was wearing his usual black turtleneck shirt and beige pants. Kita ko rin ang namumuong eyebag sa kan'yang mga mata. He's probably not getting enough sleep. Napakagat ako ng aking pang-ibabang labi.

"I didn't know about this. I'm so sorry, Lavender." Mangiyak-ngiyak na saad ni Tita Ellise. "I k-know that my apology is already a little too late. Hindi naman nito mababawi ang nangyari noon. Please let me take care of m-my grandchild. P-pero maiintindihan k-ko rin kung ayaw mo. . ."

Her eyes were full of tears. Namumula na rin ang kan'yang ilong at pasinghot-singhot siya. She's always like this. Kahit no'ng bata kami ni Etienne, she always seem to be kind and a bit naive. Kaya nga hindi ako nagtaka sa pagiging malambing ni Etienne dahil malambing din ang nanay n'ya.

I made tita Ellise cry. Napayuko naman ako. Isa siya sa mga tinitingala kong nanay dahil kahit papaano no'ng panahon na nangungulila ako sa ina, she was there for me.

"It's okay," I cleared my throat. "Okay lang naman po kung aalagaan n'yo rin si Leven. B-balak na rin naman po namin magsama ni Etienne kaya. . ."

My mouth opened wide, hindi inakala ang mga salitang lumabas mula rito. Sinipat ko si Etienne na nakasalubong ang mga kilay at hindi rin makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

"Oh? Magsasama kayo? Are you —?" tulirong tanong ni tita Ellise, she moved her hand to her lips to suppress her surprise.

"Magtatabi na kayo sa kama, mama?" tanong ni Leven habang nanglalaki ang mga mata. Sumubo siya sa kan'yang pagkain at ngumuya ngunit hindi inaalis ang tingin sa akin. "Gagawa na kayo ng baby?"

"What baby?" tito Eije tilted his head.

"Baby? As in sanggol? Gagawa na agad ulit? Ha?" tita Ellise asked, almost slow-blinking.

"Hindi, ano, uhm. . ." I laughed because I clearly didn't know how to explain it to them. I tried to gather help from Etienne but he was as confused as those who were listening to me.

"We're not oka—"

"Plano p-pa lang naman po!" I stopped Etienne. Tinuro ko gamit ng aking labi si Leven na nakikinig. If Leven hears this, he might think that we're being forced to be together because of him. Ayoko naman na sisihin n'ya ang sarili n'ya.

"Are you sure? Will you stay here? For real? Kasi kung oo, can I also stay here?" Nagningning ang mga mata ni tita Ellise.

Tito Eije sighed softly. "Paano naman ako? Ellise, tayong dalawa na nga lang magkasama sa bahay."

Tita Ellise pouted and gently wiped away her tears. "Malaki ka naman na e."

Napangiti naman ako. Both of them clearly contributed to how Etienne acts now. He is the mixture of his parents.

"Bakit ba kayo naghiwalay? Did Etienne do something?" pangaakusa ni tita Ellise, she glared at her son.

Sumimsim naman si Etienne sa kan'yang inumin bago lumingon sa kan'yang ina. His eyes were listless, probably because of the situation.

"I —"

"We d-did a family planning po," agap ko. Lumingon si Etienne sa akin, his jaw clenching. Tinitigan ko lang siya pabalik.

"Family planning?" Tita Ellise asked.

Napapikit ako nang mariin. I can't let them think that what we have right now is beyond repair. Kapag gano'n kasi ay baka maapektuhan din si Leven. My decisions — our decisions rather would either break or make Leven.

As someone who grew in a broken family, I know that in the most cruel way. At kahit naiintindihan ko naman ang sitwasyon ng mama ko, ayoko na umabot pa sa gano'n si Leven. He's still young. . .

"Opo," I gulped. "Baka p-po kasi taon-taon akong b-buntis kung magkasama k-kami noon. Kaya po lumayo kami n-ni Leven."

Tita Ellise broadened her eyes. Nasamid naman si tito Eije at pumalakpak naman ang anak ko sa sobrang tuwa.

"Etienne," Tita Ellise veered her sight to her son. "Gano'n ka kasipag? I thought you were. . .a gentle child."

"Nagawa na siya ng gentle child, Ellise." Tito Eije threw a quick glance at Etienne.

Hindi ko naman magawang tingnan ang ekspresyon ni Etienne. I played with my utensils and softly prayed that time would move a bit faster than usual.

Ayokong harapin si Etienne.

Ayokong makita ang reaksyon n'ya dahil sa kagagahan ko. My face blanched as soon as it dawned on me that what I said only made Etienne look worse that how he really is.

"Etienne. . ." Tito Eije swallowed hard. "Di ba tinuruan kita? Gumamit ng uhm. . ."

"Ng ano?" Leven asked in curiosity.

"Ng balloon?" Tito Eije chuckled awkwardly. Namumula na siya hanggang sa kan'yang leeg.

"Papa! Gusto ko rin turuan mo ako ng balloon!" my son excitedly shouted.

Namutla naman si Etienne at kanina pa hindi makatingin nang diretso sa kan'yang mga magulang. I glance at him before taking my eyes off from his sight. Lalo lang akong nag-guilty.

Napakapa na lang ako sa aking sintido. This is the reason why you shouldn't sugarcoat things to kids however I don't even know how to tell Leven! Bakit ba kasi sa ganitong usapan kami napunta?!

"That's right," Etienne agreed, which made me glance at him. Tumingin din siya sa akin. "It was my fault why Lavender decided not to tell everyone about her pregnancy. Ako rin ang may kasalanan kung bakit ngayon n'yo lang nalaman ang tungkol kay Leven. . ."

"Is it really because you want her to be pregnant every year?!" Tita Ellise asked in shock.

Umiling si Etienne at namutla. "Well, I'm not gonna lie. . .that's quite the dream but I know motherhood isn't easy. Hindi ko naman pipilitin si Lavender na mag-anak kung ayaw n'ya. It will always be her choice."

Lumingon si Etienne kay Leven bago napabuntonghininga. Malungkot siyang ngumiti rito.

"Leven, I'm sorry. The truth was. . .pinabayaan ko ang mama mo noon. I was reckless as someone who got her pregnant. I wasn't there when she needed me the most while she was conceiving you. Mas naalagaan ka p-pa ng mga estranghero kaysa sa sarili mong ama, Leven. That's the truth that your mom won't tell you because she wants you to think highly of me."

Leven was quiet and he played with the napkin on the table, folding it little by little. Halata na prinoproseso pa ang sinasabi ng kan'yang ama.

"P'wede ka magalit sa akin, Leven. You can even hate me if you want. But please don't blame your mom, she did everything just to provide you a life where you won't feel incomplete. . ."

Etienne drew a deep breath before he smiled painstakingly. "Please don't force Lavy to be with me anymore. Okay na kami sa ganito, masaya na ako na pinagbigyan n'ya akong makasama si Leven. I'm sorry for ruining the night, but please let Lavy have her own peace of mind."

Hindi ko mapaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. My heart tumbled down my chest and I felt my stomach somersault because of his sudden declaration. I wanted to say that it was because I was finally free from explaining our situation but deep inside me, I was disappointed that it ended like this.

Tahimik naming tinapos ang pagkain. Tita Ellise wanted to stay but Tito Eije didn't let her. Inuuto pa nga ni Tito Eije na gagawa na lang sila ng bagong anak kung gustong-gusto n'yang mag-alaga.

"Ingat po kayo," I bid them goodbye at the gate.

"Babalik ako, Lavy!" Tita Ellise declared while waving her hand. "I'll be with you this time! I swear, I love you, anak! Please don't forget to kiss your son and my son good night for me!"

Humalakhak lang ako bago winagayway ang kamay ko habang tinatanaw ang kotse nilang paunti-unting nawawala dahil palayo na sila nang palayo sa amin.

Tumikhim ako nang makita si Etienne na pinapanood ako.

"Sa opisina ulit ako matutulog, you can ask help from the helpers if you need something. You can call Euan or Snyder if the helpers can't help —"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" patay malisya n'yang tanong.

I sighed. "Avoiding me."

"Hindi kita iniiwasan, Lavy. I'm just doing what needs to be done. I'm sorry for making you feel invalidated because of my actions. Napagisip-isip ko rin na hindi ko inisip na baka nasasaktan ka pa. I'm sorry, I'll try my best to. . .be Leven's father while supporting you in your own path."

He smiled, with the last strength he probably has. Ilang beses ko itong pinagisipan. I could cut this off and pretend that Etienne didn't exist anymore or I could try co-parenting with him without any romantic involvement.

Yet honestly, I know that during the years I was with Leven — I wouldn't settle with anyone else.

It will always be Etienne.

Ngumiti ako at lumapit sa kan'ya. I tiptoed and kissed him on his cheeks. Kita ko ang gulat sa kan'yang mukha.

I smiled. "Goodnight daw, sabi ni mama."

I walked towards the mansion and thought it through, it will take time for hearts to heal — yet it will still move forward to see the brighter days, slowly but surely.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜